I Take The Parts That I Remember And Stitch Them Back Together (an Elena meta)
I've been trying to write a coherent Elena meta about what's going on with the OT3 lately, but turns out that coherent has left this bar. And yet I still want to discuss, so let me throw some random TVD thoughts at you, and also rant about fandom and predictions for the finale. Basically, I have a few questions. Yes, some of them are rhetorical.
I honestly meant to make a post about Stefan, and somehow I managed to talk about everything BUT Stefan. I also managed to make everything about Elena, with some Damon on the side. I'm still the worst shipper in the world, and also I have unpopular opinions. Consider yourselves warned.
No owls happen in this post. Sorry about that.
1. Why is it suddenly so necessary for Elena to choose a Salvatore?
In 3x21, Elena openly explains why she doesn't want to make a choice. If she chooses one of the boys, she loses the other, and Elena can't lose any more people. She needs them both. She needs their friendship, their support, their help. She needs them to be there for her. And yet, for some reason, she believes that if she pursues one of them romantically, she will lose the other's friendship. At the same time, she believes she's obliged to choose, because she's stringing them along. What the hell, show?
Elena Gilbert is not a spoiled brat who can't decide who should be her prom date. She is a single woman who happens to have two lovestruck idiots in her life. She never gave neither of them any false hope. She never cheated on neither of them. She was never dishonest about her feelings or plans. It's THEM who decided to fall in love with her. It's THEM who decided that from now on, Elena Gilbert will be a fucking crux of their lives. So how come that nurturing their feelings is now Elena's responsibility? The show is picturing Elena as feeling obliged to make a choice. She doesn't want to, but she thinks she should. How is that right?
The narrative is guilt-tripping Elena into declaring herself, into prioritizing the Salvatores' emotional well-being over her own. Her legit abandonment issues are voiced, but ignored. Let's get it straight: the narrative doesn't blame Elena for wanting to have a romantic relationship with both of the brothers. It blames Elena for NOT wanting to have any romantic relationship at the moment! Elena is traumatized and depressed, she can't deal with loss, she really has bigger problems than her nonexistent sex life. But no. She's not allowed to keep their friendship and their support in the time of crisis, because they both happen to be in love with her, and the show somehow decided it was her problem.
I can't even begin to explain how infuriating I find this. I understand that Elena's behavior is perfectly in character; she is the kind of person who takes too much responsibility, the kind of person who blames herself for everything that happens around her. But there are ways of keeping Elena in character and NOT catering to blatant misogyny. Why didn't we get a scene in which Elena talks to Bonnie about this mess and Bonnie tells her to think about herself? Why can't Jeremy say something? The only character who showed Elena some respect in 3x21 was Damon (not that Jeremy doesn't respect Elena's issues - he just didn't really get a chance to interact with HER about it). Because he backed off. The second he heard Elena say I can't bear the thought of losing one of you, he backed off. We'll call you from the road. Damon removed himself from a conversation that was clearly uncomfortable for Elena, and hinted to her that it's ok, THEY'll be in touch, she doesn't have to worry about this stuff now. Guys, if Damon Salvatore suddenly becomes the poster boy for respecting agency, there's something seriously wrong with your show. Just saying.
Speaking of Damon...
2. Why is Damon/Elena fandom so determined to see Damon “chosen” by Elena?
The more I think about it, the more I come to a conclusion that Elena choosing Damon in the finale would be the worst thing that could happen to this ship.
I know that TVD loves parallels. Damon is the boy who never gets chosen, and I'll always choose you. It would be neat if she “chose” him now, and a parallel with the 2x01 scene would look cool on tumblr gifsets. But let's take a good look on the situations, because things have changed lately.
Elena doesn't want to choose. She is basically guilt-tripped into choosing a Salvatore, she is victimized by the (imposed) necessity to choose. And Damon recognizes it. Damon understands her abandonment issues, he's very reluctant to promise Stefan he would leave town if Elena chooses Stefan, and he certainly doesn't expect her to make any kind of choice. In 3x19, the only thing Damon was interested in after Elena almost had him against a pillar was whether or not she had any feelings for him. He didn't even ask about Stefan, because Stefan is NOT an issue between Damon and Elena.
Damon and Elena are close friends now, and friendship is not something you develop instead of a sexual relationship. Friendship is essential, and it doesn't matter how many times people maul each other's mouths in a motel hallway. And if my friend told me that they're pursuing me romantically because they're afraid that otherwise they'd lose my friendship, and they're too miserable to deal with losing anyone now, I would tell them to kindly go and fuck themselves. And if, on the other hand, I felt obliged to start sleeping with my friend in order to not lose their friendship and support, I would feel so hurt and betrayed that after a while I wouldn't even be able to have a civil conversation with that person.
Damon seems to understand this; at least his behavior in 3x21 (namely: openly avoiding the question of Elena's choice, not pressuring her in any way, waving the whole thing off) indicates that he does. Narratively speaking, Damon/Elena is a ship about brutal honesty, about growing up and embracing the truth about the self, about painful, extreme self-awareness and risky independence. This forced choice is everything Damon/Elena are not: it's about violating the self, giving up freedom for the sake of safety, sacrificing Elena's growing up arc in order to make Damon into some twisted Cinderella figure. Within the story, we would get some creepy love story based on romanticized emotional abuse and terrible, not addressed co-dependence. Which means that their story would be either terribly written, or over after five episodes. It ruins Elena's arc and doesn't further Damon's.
I ship D/E because it avoids labels. Damon and Elena is a contrast to Elena's obsessive What does it say about me? Well, when they're together, they don't care about that. Elena can jump Damon's bones completely out of the blue and not even ask what it says about her. The most intimate scene they ever shared was looking at each other in the dark. They are by definition casual and ambiguous, they avoid easy solutions. Their story is a patchwork of things taken from different narratives, and they make for themselves only. That's the best thing about them. They can do whatever suits them... as long as they do it out of genuine want and need.
So right now Elena can sleep with Damon just to relieve the tension. She can tell him to get lost with his inappropriate feelings, because she only wants his friendship. She can not say a word and just ignore the whole “choice” issue and let things develop naturally. What she can't do is tell Damon she loves him out of fear of losing his friendship and support. As 3x19 showed us, D/E is about WANT. The minute it becomes about MUST or SHOULD, it stops being D/E.
I can't believe I just wrote a post about how I need D/E to be functional and not abusive in order to be true to its own narrative...
I honestly meant to make a post about Stefan, and somehow I managed to talk about everything BUT Stefan. I also managed to make everything about Elena, with some Damon on the side. I'm still the worst shipper in the world, and also I have unpopular opinions. Consider yourselves warned.
No owls happen in this post. Sorry about that.
1. Why is it suddenly so necessary for Elena to choose a Salvatore?
In 3x21, Elena openly explains why she doesn't want to make a choice. If she chooses one of the boys, she loses the other, and Elena can't lose any more people. She needs them both. She needs their friendship, their support, their help. She needs them to be there for her. And yet, for some reason, she believes that if she pursues one of them romantically, she will lose the other's friendship. At the same time, she believes she's obliged to choose, because she's stringing them along. What the hell, show?
Elena Gilbert is not a spoiled brat who can't decide who should be her prom date. She is a single woman who happens to have two lovestruck idiots in her life. She never gave neither of them any false hope. She never cheated on neither of them. She was never dishonest about her feelings or plans. It's THEM who decided to fall in love with her. It's THEM who decided that from now on, Elena Gilbert will be a fucking crux of their lives. So how come that nurturing their feelings is now Elena's responsibility? The show is picturing Elena as feeling obliged to make a choice. She doesn't want to, but she thinks she should. How is that right?
The narrative is guilt-tripping Elena into declaring herself, into prioritizing the Salvatores' emotional well-being over her own. Her legit abandonment issues are voiced, but ignored. Let's get it straight: the narrative doesn't blame Elena for wanting to have a romantic relationship with both of the brothers. It blames Elena for NOT wanting to have any romantic relationship at the moment! Elena is traumatized and depressed, she can't deal with loss, she really has bigger problems than her nonexistent sex life. But no. She's not allowed to keep their friendship and their support in the time of crisis, because they both happen to be in love with her, and the show somehow decided it was her problem.
I can't even begin to explain how infuriating I find this. I understand that Elena's behavior is perfectly in character; she is the kind of person who takes too much responsibility, the kind of person who blames herself for everything that happens around her. But there are ways of keeping Elena in character and NOT catering to blatant misogyny. Why didn't we get a scene in which Elena talks to Bonnie about this mess and Bonnie tells her to think about herself? Why can't Jeremy say something? The only character who showed Elena some respect in 3x21 was Damon (not that Jeremy doesn't respect Elena's issues - he just didn't really get a chance to interact with HER about it). Because he backed off. The second he heard Elena say I can't bear the thought of losing one of you, he backed off. We'll call you from the road. Damon removed himself from a conversation that was clearly uncomfortable for Elena, and hinted to her that it's ok, THEY'll be in touch, she doesn't have to worry about this stuff now. Guys, if Damon Salvatore suddenly becomes the poster boy for respecting agency, there's something seriously wrong with your show. Just saying.
Speaking of Damon...
2. Why is Damon/Elena fandom so determined to see Damon “chosen” by Elena?
The more I think about it, the more I come to a conclusion that Elena choosing Damon in the finale would be the worst thing that could happen to this ship.
I know that TVD loves parallels. Damon is the boy who never gets chosen, and I'll always choose you. It would be neat if she “chose” him now, and a parallel with the 2x01 scene would look cool on tumblr gifsets. But let's take a good look on the situations, because things have changed lately.
Elena doesn't want to choose. She is basically guilt-tripped into choosing a Salvatore, she is victimized by the (imposed) necessity to choose. And Damon recognizes it. Damon understands her abandonment issues, he's very reluctant to promise Stefan he would leave town if Elena chooses Stefan, and he certainly doesn't expect her to make any kind of choice. In 3x19, the only thing Damon was interested in after Elena almost had him against a pillar was whether or not she had any feelings for him. He didn't even ask about Stefan, because Stefan is NOT an issue between Damon and Elena.
Damon and Elena are close friends now, and friendship is not something you develop instead of a sexual relationship. Friendship is essential, and it doesn't matter how many times people maul each other's mouths in a motel hallway. And if my friend told me that they're pursuing me romantically because they're afraid that otherwise they'd lose my friendship, and they're too miserable to deal with losing anyone now, I would tell them to kindly go and fuck themselves. And if, on the other hand, I felt obliged to start sleeping with my friend in order to not lose their friendship and support, I would feel so hurt and betrayed that after a while I wouldn't even be able to have a civil conversation with that person.
Damon seems to understand this; at least his behavior in 3x21 (namely: openly avoiding the question of Elena's choice, not pressuring her in any way, waving the whole thing off) indicates that he does. Narratively speaking, Damon/Elena is a ship about brutal honesty, about growing up and embracing the truth about the self, about painful, extreme self-awareness and risky independence. This forced choice is everything Damon/Elena are not: it's about violating the self, giving up freedom for the sake of safety, sacrificing Elena's growing up arc in order to make Damon into some twisted Cinderella figure. Within the story, we would get some creepy love story based on romanticized emotional abuse and terrible, not addressed co-dependence. Which means that their story would be either terribly written, or over after five episodes. It ruins Elena's arc and doesn't further Damon's.
I ship D/E because it avoids labels. Damon and Elena is a contrast to Elena's obsessive What does it say about me? Well, when they're together, they don't care about that. Elena can jump Damon's bones completely out of the blue and not even ask what it says about her. The most intimate scene they ever shared was looking at each other in the dark. They are by definition casual and ambiguous, they avoid easy solutions. Their story is a patchwork of things taken from different narratives, and they make for themselves only. That's the best thing about them. They can do whatever suits them... as long as they do it out of genuine want and need.
So right now Elena can sleep with Damon just to relieve the tension. She can tell him to get lost with his inappropriate feelings, because she only wants his friendship. She can not say a word and just ignore the whole “choice” issue and let things develop naturally. What she can't do is tell Damon she loves him out of fear of losing his friendship and support. As 3x19 showed us, D/E is about WANT. The minute it becomes about MUST or SHOULD, it stops being D/E.
I can't believe I just wrote a post about how I need D/E to be functional and not abusive in order to be true to its own narrative...