(no subject)
Hmm
As I was putting my crumpled yet clean clothes away a few minutes ago, I was fairly certain about what I was going to write/rant about. Mainly, me being pissed off with the world. Well, no that's not quite true, the whole point I think, is that I'm pissed off with myself, and I need to wake up and realise it's me and not the world.
So, my life. I have a job, which while I'm not perfect at, I am improving. I share a flat, which while isn't mine, is fairly cheap and there's lots going for it. I have my friends, who care about me, and I them. I have my girlfriend, who though I haven't been seeing for a massive amount of time, I get on amazingly well with. I am alive.
It could be argued then, that I have a lot to be grateful for. In the grander respect of the world. I have all those things going for me, and I should be content.
What if I'm not?
Should I feel bad because there are things that I want to change?
My job. My health. My appearance. My finances. My abilities. My knowledge. My location. My mind.
A person moans about something they would like to change with their life, a person states something they would like to change, or even ponders out loud. Should that person shut up and stop moaning? No. Should that person shut up and stop moaning if they can do something about the particular thing they're moaning about? Yes. In my opinion, yes. I've always been a firm believer that if someone can make a change to something they're not happy with, they should. No two ways about it. And so I realise, with great dismay, that I am the world's biggest hypocrite.
I moan about being stuck in a shitty customer service role instead of being a programmer, like i've always wanted to. What have I done about it? Nothing of note. I studied my A-Levels, and I messed up because I played too many computer games and didn't do my homework properly. I somehow got into university, and I reafirmed to myself that this was what I wanted to do. I didn't pay attention in classes, I slacked on my assignments, I got drunk too much and played too many computer games. Having left uni with a 2:1, somehow, I started temping to get a bit of money, but it rolled on and 1 and a half years later, I am still there, albeit in a permanent position. In that period, I've managed to scrape by with little money, drinking to excess a lot of the time, not learning how to drive, not getting anywhere with my chosen career, forgetting the computer knowledge that I used to have, being over 2 stone underweight, not saving anything for the future, being unfit, and generally screwing around with my life.
Now, that is quite the little rant, and it could be said that I am just moaning about how I want things to be better. If I saw that, I might be inclined to think, 'Stop your bitching and do something about it', and to that I would have said that I can't. There's this stopping me from doing that, and there's that stopping me from doing this. It would be too easy to name something or someone that's got in the way of every little thing that I would change. But that would be wrong. It is all me. Yes there are external influences, but it is all me who decides how life goes.
I am underweight because I have an eating problem.
I never have any energy because I have a sleeping problem.
I fucked up my A-Levels because I have an attention problem.
I am in a shared house, and I can't drive, because I have a problem saving money.
I am unhealthy because i've spent most of my life sat in front of the TV or computer.
I have problems with the council and with the estate agents and with bill companies because I have a memory problem.
I have lived most of my life in a small bubble because I used to have a problem with trying new things.
I have numerous physical scars and many gaps in my memory because I have a drinking problem.
I scrape by every month, owing my sister money, because I have a problem budgeting my money and sticking to it.
I am in a job I hate because I have a problem applying myself.
The things which I consider to be my problems. All my problems, and things which are down to me to correct, and in theory, I should be able to. But I don't know if I can. No excuses, and no lame reasons why I can't change this or that. I just don't know if I can.
Now, it may be that the only reason I've even typed that is because I've had a bad day; being hassled by chavs coming home, having troubles with various organisations, housemates being stressy with me, me really wanting a hug but not being able to have one, and to top it off some arsehole company starting roadworks at 11pm, but I think it's all true anyway. I don't really want to read back over what I've typed as I'll probably just delete it all.
As I was putting my crumpled yet clean clothes away a few minutes ago, I was fairly certain about what I was going to write/rant about. Mainly, me being pissed off with the world. Well, no that's not quite true, the whole point I think, is that I'm pissed off with myself, and I need to wake up and realise it's me and not the world.
So, my life. I have a job, which while I'm not perfect at, I am improving. I share a flat, which while isn't mine, is fairly cheap and there's lots going for it. I have my friends, who care about me, and I them. I have my girlfriend, who though I haven't been seeing for a massive amount of time, I get on amazingly well with. I am alive.
It could be argued then, that I have a lot to be grateful for. In the grander respect of the world. I have all those things going for me, and I should be content.
What if I'm not?
Should I feel bad because there are things that I want to change?
My job. My health. My appearance. My finances. My abilities. My knowledge. My location. My mind.
A person moans about something they would like to change with their life, a person states something they would like to change, or even ponders out loud. Should that person shut up and stop moaning? No. Should that person shut up and stop moaning if they can do something about the particular thing they're moaning about? Yes. In my opinion, yes. I've always been a firm believer that if someone can make a change to something they're not happy with, they should. No two ways about it. And so I realise, with great dismay, that I am the world's biggest hypocrite.
I moan about being stuck in a shitty customer service role instead of being a programmer, like i've always wanted to. What have I done about it? Nothing of note. I studied my A-Levels, and I messed up because I played too many computer games and didn't do my homework properly. I somehow got into university, and I reafirmed to myself that this was what I wanted to do. I didn't pay attention in classes, I slacked on my assignments, I got drunk too much and played too many computer games. Having left uni with a 2:1, somehow, I started temping to get a bit of money, but it rolled on and 1 and a half years later, I am still there, albeit in a permanent position. In that period, I've managed to scrape by with little money, drinking to excess a lot of the time, not learning how to drive, not getting anywhere with my chosen career, forgetting the computer knowledge that I used to have, being over 2 stone underweight, not saving anything for the future, being unfit, and generally screwing around with my life.
Now, that is quite the little rant, and it could be said that I am just moaning about how I want things to be better. If I saw that, I might be inclined to think, 'Stop your bitching and do something about it', and to that I would have said that I can't. There's this stopping me from doing that, and there's that stopping me from doing this. It would be too easy to name something or someone that's got in the way of every little thing that I would change. But that would be wrong. It is all me. Yes there are external influences, but it is all me who decides how life goes.
I am underweight because I have an eating problem.
I never have any energy because I have a sleeping problem.
I fucked up my A-Levels because I have an attention problem.
I am in a shared house, and I can't drive, because I have a problem saving money.
I am unhealthy because i've spent most of my life sat in front of the TV or computer.
I have problems with the council and with the estate agents and with bill companies because I have a memory problem.
I have lived most of my life in a small bubble because I used to have a problem with trying new things.
I have numerous physical scars and many gaps in my memory because I have a drinking problem.
I scrape by every month, owing my sister money, because I have a problem budgeting my money and sticking to it.
I am in a job I hate because I have a problem applying myself.
The things which I consider to be my problems. All my problems, and things which are down to me to correct, and in theory, I should be able to. But I don't know if I can. No excuses, and no lame reasons why I can't change this or that. I just don't know if I can.
Now, it may be that the only reason I've even typed that is because I've had a bad day; being hassled by chavs coming home, having troubles with various organisations, housemates being stressy with me, me really wanting a hug but not being able to have one, and to top it off some arsehole company starting roadworks at 11pm, but I think it's all true anyway. I don't really want to read back over what I've typed as I'll probably just delete it all.