(no subject)
Uh--Craig--hey, when you get back, mind stopping by my room for a few?
Need to see you.
Thanks.
Last night after Elijah's visit, I finally had some of that lovely dinner Craig had cooked for us, watched a bit of telly, and watched the clock, waiting for the right time to call Zid.
I called Oliver first--had to tell him all the latest news, tell him about the party--he was so buggered he couldn't make it, and we'd already had an idea of having a little night out for the Kiwis to take out the engaged couple and give their own little version of a sending off, so we made plans and chit chatted and what not.
Then I called Natalie. Told her everything; how I felt, how Saturday night turned out, what I want to do now.
She didn't take the news well.
Natalie's a passionate sort; one of the things I always liked about her. Part of me is hoping this is just another example of her passion, but if not . . . I don't know what I will do!
I tried saying it as gently as possible; you know--"I've been having a wonderful time in L.A., think I'll enjoy working with Vin Diesel (at which point she asked me if he were a top or bottom and we went into a whole description of just how much a top he is. She laughed and thought it was all very wonderful and that I should have taken pictures of my wrists to send her before the bruises faded. She's gotten into the dominant role a time or two herself--I think she would have liked to meet Vin to get pointers. Anyway. ) So then I tell her I went out with Bean and Viggo and Marton, that Viggo and Marton are together now and looking frighteningly settled in.
Then I said a little of my night with Bean. My impressions of him--how different he was than I expected. She started to get very quiet. Didn't go on about the details so much--more about his personality, our little chat about finding right matches. How's he's been hurt by his past relationships.
Then I let drop the bomb--Sean wasn't going to do anything with me unless it was exclusive.
And that I thought about it for a week, going over it, and decided that yes, I want to try it. About how I told him on the plane, and --eh--I spared her the details of the party, but basically said this was something I needed to go forward with. Which naturally means breaking with her.
I think it was about that point that she started screaming at me. I don't really remember what all she said, but I got the gist of it. Our arrangement's always been 'you can shag whom you want as long as it's physical only.' Not emotional. Which means I've broken the rules. Which makes me a 'cock-sucking, shit-for-brains, bloody bastard', and now she's saying I can kiss Hunter and her goodbye and if I bloody well want to live the rest of my life in L.A. that's fine with her because she'll bloody well be moving out as soon as she gets back. Over to her mate's place in Christchurch, I imagine. Bloody hell.
I don't know what to do; this was exactly what I feared. Well actually, it's worse than what I feared--she took it even worse than I thought, which just proves to me that perhaps she's been lying about her feelings all this time and led me to believe we were fine when perhaps she wanted a bit more. I don't know. I'm so confused--couldn't even tell you which hemisphere I'm in at the moment.
I lied awake in bed for much the night then, knowing I couldn't bring this up to Craig and Orli--nothing against Orlando, but I just don't feel comfortable looking a wreck in front of him especially sinces it's about his good mate Bean. I finally fell asleep just before dawn, and slept in.
Now I'm waiting for Craig.
I need a shoulder to cry on.
Need to see you.
Thanks.
Last night after Elijah's visit, I finally had some of that lovely dinner Craig had cooked for us, watched a bit of telly, and watched the clock, waiting for the right time to call Zid.
I called Oliver first--had to tell him all the latest news, tell him about the party--he was so buggered he couldn't make it, and we'd already had an idea of having a little night out for the Kiwis to take out the engaged couple and give their own little version of a sending off, so we made plans and chit chatted and what not.
Then I called Natalie. Told her everything; how I felt, how Saturday night turned out, what I want to do now.
She didn't take the news well.
Natalie's a passionate sort; one of the things I always liked about her. Part of me is hoping this is just another example of her passion, but if not . . . I don't know what I will do!
I tried saying it as gently as possible; you know--"I've been having a wonderful time in L.A., think I'll enjoy working with Vin Diesel (at which point she asked me if he were a top or bottom and we went into a whole description of just how much a top he is. She laughed and thought it was all very wonderful and that I should have taken pictures of my wrists to send her before the bruises faded. She's gotten into the dominant role a time or two herself--I think she would have liked to meet Vin to get pointers. Anyway. ) So then I tell her I went out with Bean and Viggo and Marton, that Viggo and Marton are together now and looking frighteningly settled in.
Then I said a little of my night with Bean. My impressions of him--how different he was than I expected. She started to get very quiet. Didn't go on about the details so much--more about his personality, our little chat about finding right matches. How's he's been hurt by his past relationships.
Then I let drop the bomb--Sean wasn't going to do anything with me unless it was exclusive.
And that I thought about it for a week, going over it, and decided that yes, I want to try it. About how I told him on the plane, and --eh--I spared her the details of the party, but basically said this was something I needed to go forward with. Which naturally means breaking with her.
I think it was about that point that she started screaming at me. I don't really remember what all she said, but I got the gist of it. Our arrangement's always been 'you can shag whom you want as long as it's physical only.' Not emotional. Which means I've broken the rules. Which makes me a 'cock-sucking, shit-for-brains, bloody bastard', and now she's saying I can kiss Hunter and her goodbye and if I bloody well want to live the rest of my life in L.A. that's fine with her because she'll bloody well be moving out as soon as she gets back. Over to her mate's place in Christchurch, I imagine. Bloody hell.
I don't know what to do; this was exactly what I feared. Well actually, it's worse than what I feared--she took it even worse than I thought, which just proves to me that perhaps she's been lying about her feelings all this time and led me to believe we were fine when perhaps she wanted a bit more. I don't know. I'm so confused--couldn't even tell you which hemisphere I'm in at the moment.
I lied awake in bed for much the night then, knowing I couldn't bring this up to Craig and Orli--nothing against Orlando, but I just don't feel comfortable looking a wreck in front of him especially sinces it's about his good mate Bean. I finally fell asleep just before dawn, and slept in.
Now I'm waiting for Craig.
I need a shoulder to cry on.