Taemins Game

[usakpopluvr]

Rating:NC-17
pairing TopTaeminxJonghyun
genre PWP SHAMEFUL SMUT
Summary umm contiuned from Drabble after lots of encouragemet I am finally able to actually write this damn thing.

...."You deserve to be punished~."

Comments

[maxxshineelove]

'he has not idea what cumming i mean coming' made me laugh!
you should continue!!!! i want to know what happens!!
good job!!!!!!

Continue This!^^

[mickota]

This is the one you want an opinion on, correct?
Before I start, I will apologize ahead of time if I offend you in anyway.(I'm a harsh critic.) Please do not be angry with me? :D

Hmm, first I think a template or a guideline would be nice. Like a format so the reader does not get confused with who is talking verbally and when the character's are thinking.
If it's written in first person, I do not recommend using Italic for what is happening, rather save that for thoughts.
Some people, in my opinion, will look away from the screen because the slanted writing is annoying.
Um, this is an unbeta? Spellcheck :P (that thing is my weapon xD)
Unless you do not want to, it's fine. (Grammar errors are just a pet peeve of mine so you can ignore me ke ke ke).

If you end up deciding to write more, I will be happy to give advice...if you want. I feel like I've just made an enemy TT.TT I'm sorry if I sounded too cruel!!! >.Um, it's your journal so feel free to delete this and ignore me? heh, heh

Re: Continue This!^^

[usakpopluvr]

wahhh thank u thank u thank u i really need that and made just he oppitsite since i was wondering could you have more than one beta and if you can would you be willing to bi mine!
yeah and i was wondering for when a differnet person talks would have to like skip 2 lines or something idkkkk first time and how amny words do you need for it be a actual story and should you plan ahead or just go withit tehn would yous use the italic words for stuff that is said will a differetn tone or actions IDFK HELPPPP!

Re: Continue This!^^

[mickota]

Ack! You're so cute! >wI think you can have as many editors as you wish (as long as others do not get jealous :P

Re: Continue This!^^

[usakpopluvr]

WAHHHHH thanks you that wass sooooooooooo helpful will you do the honors of being my beta kkekekek it sounds like i am trying to marry you blahhhh
SOOOOO! what exactly do betas do as in you do i write everything and you make the changes cuz thabe just fine as it it s still my eork
OHHHS AND i write them down in a journal first i ahve my friend read it tgen telll what i should od next ten add me own twist and what i did above be a darbble idkkkkkkk but how do i get to you for it to betaed idekkkkk!

[slickcaffeine]

i'm coming ! ^^ since i've read the first of this drabble, i put my opinion there, mind it ? ;)

for the first, it will be good if you made this fic more neat, baby, know what i mean ? :) your idea was nice, but it maybe can't be expressed if there was some confusing terms up here and there, so you can solve that with:
- add some words after dialogue, example : "hey hyung!" taemin let out a smile while greet his beloved Jonghyun, "mind to play with me?" so then we know if that's taemin the one who's talking :)
- if you want to write the character talking while thinking, don't take it too much, but you can apply this at the line that needed to ~ take as POV of the character if you want to apply the character talking while thinking :)

then, about typos and grammar, i think you should check it too, to make your fic more good and everyone can enjoy it happily ^^

that's all about my opinion, maybe it works for you, but i really am sorry if it kinda bother you >< fighting dear ! <3

[dehchan]

Your writing is more than horrendous. It is physically painful to read what you've typed. I don't know if it's because you're using an iphone or just because...you suck at writing but whoever betas your fanfics needs to be shot. In the face. Twice. How old are you? Have you taken a proper English class? You weren't specific on where they were and I'm not sure if they were in a dressing room, a water park, or the Amazon. You change POV way too much. Do you read other people's fanfics? Because this is a cry for help. This isn't even a smut. If you wanted to write a smut without going into detail about the actual sexual act then this is not the way to do it. There are millions of other ways you could have written this and each one would have been a step up from this disgrace. I don't mean to sound rude or anything but this is the kind of critique you've asked for writing this.

[mickota]

Tsk. That is pretty uncalled for. New writers need criticism, but, you went a little over the top with the insults. Have you seen the recent journal's this user has posted? I suggest you read final cuts next time.
Oh, and I disagree.
I do not need to be shot in the face more than once, much less twice. I'm an awesome beta.

[dehchan]

Actually I have read the most recent one. I read that one before I read this one. And my comment still applies. The author jumps pov way too much. The sentence structure is extremely confusing and the overall story/paragraph/whatever you wish to call it, is not pleasing to the eyes. The use of profanity in the story should be taken out if it's going to be censored. Use of such language can really help push a scene like that along but if its written using asterisks(*) then it just becomes something comedic. If you think what I said was uncalled for then let me tell you something, that is a critique. I didn't sugarcoat it cause there was no point in doing such a thing

[mickota]

Nah, I don't need that. I still stand by what I said. Asterisks were added on my part, they could have been changed if the author wanted. I do point things out; however, other than obvious flaws, I do not see it as my place to tell someone to change their writing style. I apologize for my future actions if you decide to read new drabbles that are not to your liking.

Part 1 of my Critique, since it was too long to post in one post.

[heinne]

You know, I honestly sat and thought about whether I wanted to critique you or not after your comments with dehchan

Part 2 of my Critique, since it was too long to post in one post.

[heinne]

Now that you are familiar with the formal definition of a critique, I want you to reread your comments above mine. Note that in the definition it says "critical evaluation". This means that someone will be straightforward and honest about how they define or feel about your work. You cussed dehchan out for their critique. I am sure I will get hell for mine, but let me tell you that a critique is NOT "omg this fic is so gewd!" No, a critique is a judgment of your work, and when you ask for critiques you should know from the start that some critiques may not be what you want to hear. Just because dehchan said what she said doesn't mean she was being rude. I mean, can you hear her voice saying that? No. Therefore, you cannot assume that she is being rude. Just because she was honest, you attacked her. I am being honest, will you attack me too? I have no doubt you will not like half of what I am saying, but that is just part of getting a critique. I am telling you what feelings your fiction has invoked in me, and telling you how to improve

Re: Part 2 of my Critique, since it was too long to post in one post.

[usakpopluvr]

see this is what I wanted not some person insulting me and yeah I know that. went off on the other person those comments just realkyyyyyyy made me feel bad about my self soo I fumed out and didn't think before I talked I am srry for all that I have offenede and thank you thank you SOOOOOO much for commenting on this but since I am very very new I would like to not feel like shit just comment on why. need to fix or ya like but do rat me out and I know that it is very stupid to have a smut as my first Story but. feel like I can't really write a normal story idkkkkkk but for sum odd reason I just feel more cmfortable with smu idk it s in my nature
ps my typng sucks to bgin with on an iPod it crap and I knoow English very fine. just chose. not to use it but I must in school I feel that I don't need to and it is provend that speing does t count soooooooooooooooooooon thank and jeep comment I always need but try not to make me want to cry plz thankz

Re: Part 2 of my Critique, since it was too long to post in one post.

[heinne]

If you are typing on an iPhone, you can do the auto-correct and choose the correct spelling, or let it do it for you. Honestly, there is still no reason for this kind of bad grammar and spelling. I cannot understand half of what you just said to me. If you know English fine, then you should use it. I don't care that you use it in school, because so do I. There is no reason. Stop making excuses.

And you know what? If my critique makes you want to cry, then you need to stop writing this instant, because otherwise you will never learn and grow. You should not let critiques hurt you. Let them teach you, and take what others have to say to learn how you can best improve your writing skills.

And you're welcome. I'm only trying to help, so don't cry on me now! c: