Not Even Breathing Room | Kris/Adam, NC17
(Originally posted 28th May 2009.)
Title: Not Even Breathing Room
Author: ilytheira
Pairings: Kradam (Kris/Adam)
Rating: NC17
Summary: 'See, you don't know what it is that makes well, isn't that kind of like cheating on me if he's having a bromance with Matt, too? run through your head [...], but you're dead-set on maiming whatever it is that makes you say it out loud.'
Notes: Written in response to the jealous!Kris prompt on kradam_ai, based on the night of Matt's elimination. Also, although Breathing Room occurs in the same timeline as One View, they are not part of the same series.
Disclaimer: Neither Kris nor Adam, nor any of the people featured below, belong to me. The title comes from Aerosmith's "Cryin'."
This fic is dedicated to onthepowerlines, because she's sweeter than butterscotch and cuter than a basket of puppies. :D Ilu, bb! ♥.
The picture referenced in the first few paragraphs can be found here.
If there were a mathematical equation to follow the number of times your visceral responses have fluctuated in the last five minutes, you probably wouldn't have been able to follow it. It wouldn't have mattered if Einstein himself had come back to life for the sole purpose of engraving the how and why of the equation into your head; it wouldn't have mattered if you were in possession of a capacity to learn and know and methodically properly expertly use the equation every now and then; hell, it wouldn't have mattered if you did get it on the first go.
No humanly possible number of square roots or exponents, of parentheses or equal signs, could have come close to describing the unexpected rise and fall of your blood as you watch him envelope Matt in a hug with those arms those arms you've trailed kisses down those arms those arms you've found yourself wrapped in those arms. You steady yourself at the sudden explosion of indignation towards Matt Matt, who you've thrown water balloons and disposable plates of pasta at Matt Matt, who you've stayed up 'til midnight with as you rearrange and transpose and rearrange some more Matt, and make sure you recover as Allison, ever a ball of sunshine, hugs you and hugs you and hugs you and exclaims "Oh!" so quietly that you are sure only you are meant to hear it.
You're sure that, for a moment, the slightly bothered look on Danny's face that you catch with your peripheral vision is mirrored on yours, but you're much more apt at hiding it, you've already got this skill honed since God-knows-when. You reel as your head spins for a second, then two, then three, as your brain rewinds and begins to go over Adam's lips Adam's lips, who've found their way across your jaw line more than once Adam's lips Adam's lips, who've certainly traced a path down to your navel multiple times Adam's lips pressing themselves against the stubble on Matt's cheek, and it's Allison again who has to pull you back, pull you back by pulling you into a group hug.
You stumble and throw your hand out for support, throw your hand and land it unknowingly on Matt's shoulder, Matt who takes it as a sign of you were great, man, you were great you're great you're gonna be bigger and better than ever, they love you they love you they love you, Matt who twists his body just so, who angles it so perfectly that as he drapes an arm around you, he's got an arm on Adam's shoulders, too, Adam's shoulders, dammit, and you let out a grunt of frustration under your breath as Danny splits you up and gives Matt one of those half-hearted half-assed one-armed hugs he seems to fall back on every week.
A haphazard grin makes its way onto your lips - you don't even know how it got there; maybe it's the result of you finding absolute amusement in Danny's expression as Matt disregards the one-handedness and throws both arms around him, or maybe it's your uncalled-for captivation with Allison's ability to snake over to Adam and your momentary transfixion at him hugging her - and it doesn't leave. You're glad for the distraction Danny becomes as he wedges himself between you and Matt, glad for the distraction on-screen Matt and Lil and Anoop become, but why the hell does Adam have to be in the same shot?
In fact, why the hell is Adam's hand on Matt's back a mere few centimeters away from your arm, so close and yet so far, close enough for you to adjust your hand just slightly, just enough for skin to brush against skin; too far much too far way too far for your hand to travel and not have it noticed why would Kris Allen have to move his hand so close to Adam Lambert's?
Why would Kris Allen even care bother to care why should Kris Allen even care-
-care about Adam Lambert's hand and its proximity to Matt Giraud's back why why why?
So, you settle for the agony and the unanswered questions. You settle for not reaching him, not reaching him, almost reaching him but not touching him not touching him not touching him, and it frustrates you that all Matt needs to do, all Matt has to do, all Matt does is shrug your hand off unintentionally, of course, unintentionally unintentionally you hope and pray that it's unintentionally, turn ever so slightly, and then it's arms around shoulders and hearty pats on the backs all over again.
You close your eyes and breathe breathe breathe and barely remember to keep the whole of your weight off of Allison as you lean into her. Her fingers become drumsticks and your back the drum as she creates a steady rhythm, and times like this, you think she's some sort of psychic or something because she always knows what to do and what to say and now you're just waiting for her sixth sense to kick in-
"Chill a little, why don't you?" she says exasperatedly under her breath. Her fingertips are gone from your back and she's crossed her arms and her elbow presses uncomfortably into your side, but you wait until it starts to really bother you before you shift somewhat to the left. "If anyone else saw you look at Matt like that, they'd've thought you were out to kill him or something."
"Look at Matt like what?" you answer, because you? Is she kidding? Why would you have any reason to direct your attention to Matt damn, can't you just - can't you just not be so, you know, Matt- and, wow. Now he's got you debating against yourself now there's a reason to direct your attention to Matt and Allison's staring at you like you've grown a second head (maybe a fifth one, you really don't know, you really can't tell because her eyes are narrowed and her forehead is wrinkled and she's just - you know, Allison).
Her gaze is all daggers before she sighs and shakes her head. "Kris," she says emphatically. "Sure, Matt and Adam have a bromance or whatever you're into calling it now going on, too, but please. Stop looking at him like you're gonna feed him to the sharks, okay? It's not like he's threatening to usurp your position or steal Adam or whatever's going on in your head."
See, you don't know what it is that makes well, isn't that kind of like cheating on me if he's having a bromance with Matt, too? run through your head (you're sure that whatever it was, it meant for it to be a joke, because, hey, you totally get it if it's a joke, you'd even laugh at it) but you're dead-set on maiming whatever it is that makes you say it out loud.
Alli's laughter just kind of distracts you from the whole holy shit, did I just say that holy shit, I just said that embarrassment, but it's not enough - not when Danny's looking back at you with a raised eyebrow and it hits you that oh shit, Danny Gokey heard that.
You're ready to crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of your life.
If there were a medical term explicitly for the hop skip jump your heart does when you see him (okay, so that's not technically right - when you see him with someone else is totally more appropriate), you probably wouldn't have been able to pronounce it. The foremost researcher on Adam Lambert-induced reactions heart does hop skip jump brain spins around and around palms begin to sweat warning, side effects may include dizziness and incoherence could come up to you right now tomorrow could've come up to you yesterday to explain that Adam Lambert is a drug that affects your peripheral nervous system and your conscious responses autonomic? somatic? touch touch touch sight smell feel feel sight sight smell hearing hearing touch and oh, oh, wait, it's definitely got something to do your heart rate, too, but it wouldn't have mattered. The medical term could be in Latin or Greek or Russian and it wouldn't matter, it could be in plain English and it wouldn't matter; you most likely wouldn't have cared.
There's a feeling that washes over you and whatever it is jealousy, maybe, jealousy, spite, no it's overprotectiveness, no it's jealousy, okay fine maybe it might be jealousy, it's got you in its grip and it doesn't want to let go. You're a table away from Matt and his family, a table away from where Adam and Allison are mingling with them, a step a fingertip a hair away from Adam who's got his back to you, who's got his arm around Matt and Allison. You don't even have to look to know that it's him; you don't know what it is, maybe every fiber in your being's been trained to respond to him whenever he's near, but something lets you know that it's him, and suddenly, Katy's plans about changing the curtains yeah, yeah, lavender? no, no, not lavender - not lavender, just as long as it's not white peach peach maybe peach? aren't so important. Her smile is bright and her eyes are wide in excitement - she's quite passionate about the peach curtains they're peach, right? not like, tangerine, because I, you know, I really don't want to step into the living room and see tangerine curtains - and you're smiling back at her (you can't even convince yourself) and nodding, but it's hard to pay attention to anything when Adam's a breath away and the heat radiating from his skin is making the hairs on your neck stand.
Dan's telling a story about a girl who'd fallen on the mat during cheer tryouts a year or two ago and you've heard the story at least three times so you know when to laugh (well, okay, no, that's a lie, your eyes are cast to the side and he's giving you that glare, and that's how you know when to laugh) and when to nod your head and when to say "Oh, God, that must've hurt! How long did her, uh-"
"-dislocated shoulder," your brother supplies, and you shoot him a dirty glare as he raises an eyebrow at you.
"-uh, dislocated shoulder," you continue, flushing redder than the ketchup smothering your fries, "yeah - so how long did it take to, you know, heal?"
Dan shakes his head at you there's disappointment in his eyes - you've dealt with that before - but there's also an impending question, and that's what you're afraid of and turns to Katy, who's just echoed your question, and he goes on about how they'd popped it back in the same day cringe, Kris, this is where you cringe but she'd had to wear a sling for at least a month to make sure she wouldn't stretch and hurt it again - or something like that. There's another sentence or two that comes after that, something about whether or not she'd made it or if she tried out again the year after, but it's all gibberish to you as Adam's laughter floats over and, "Oh, yeah. I love Matt - he's a great guy, y'know? Raised him well. He's awesome."
You tell yourself that you totally get what Adam means I love him like a brother like a brother like a brother love him like I love Neil, y'know and that your blood boiling just a little bit is a complete overreaction, that it's completely ridiculous for you to let this get under your skin, but then Adam and Matt are throwing "Love ya, man" back and forth and Alli's just giggling to the side and you want to turn and see the expression on her face, but then that'd mean turning around and seeing the - er, excellent example of camaraderie and you don't know if you could handle that with your state of mind and-
"Oh, no, that's Kris," you hear Adam say and you turn your head so fast, you wince at the small burst of sharp pain before you look up and he's looking down at you and Matt's just grinning widely.
"What about Kris?" you say slowly, suspiciously, because if there's one thing you're going to take away from Idol, it's to never trust Matt when he's got that expression on his face.
Matt's eyes flicker over to Adam, and Adam raises an eyebrow, but not before his eyes flicker to you, and he tilts his head slightly. "They wanted to know who spent all those long nights in the piano room with me," the shorter singer says with his Cheshire-cat grin and dammit, you should've expected something like that, "and Adam's never down for it, since he's always upstairs getting" - and you know Matt's going to say something, dammit, he's going to say something and Adam catches the glint in his eye, catches it and steps on Matt's foot and Matt winces - "his beauty sleep."
You stand up and glare at him, and beside him, Alli, who's nursing a quick gulp of Pepsi in her mouth, swallows her drink, makes a face, and then coughs once, twice, coughs again before she dissolves into giggles and she's leaning against Matt for support.
Danny, who'd been chatting with one of his sisters, looks up and calls out, "What's going on over there?" and Adam calls back, "Matt being Matt!" as if it explains everything, and apparently to Danny, it does because he simply shakes his head, wears a knowing smile on his face since when has Danny Gokey suddenly been in on all the looks and smiles, and then turns back when his sister asks about what's going on three tables away.
(No, no, like, seriously. Since when has Danny been in on all the looks and the smiles?)
You're the first one to scramble out of the black SUV as the vehicle comes to a complete stop and it's funny, really, it is, because you're tripping over yourself and Matt's the one who's got your arms in his grip and his hand on your chest to push you back up to stability. He's looking at you strangely he's trying to hide a laugh and you know too damn well that he can't oh, well, now he's just flat-out laughing at you. You can barely make out Allison's breathy "Ohmygodareyouokay?" and you barely catch Danny tilting his head down in amusement and you barely recognize Adam's "Kris, what happened?" and oh, hey, it's Adam, and he's gently peeling you away from Matt, who finds his stability in leaning against Danny you're surprised he's not doubled over yet.
You cough to buy yourself some time and you can feel your heartbeat pulsating in your throat. "Yeah - yeah, Alli, I'm - I'm good. I, uh" - and then you look at Adam and acknowledge him with a tip of your head but refuse to meet his eyes - "I, you know. Tripped. Got - er, I'm just tired and totally ready to go to bed?"
Matt snorts and the dirty glare you throw him is enough for Allison to pry him away from Danny and tug him inside. Danny gives you another one of those way to fuck up, man, now go fix it looks as he adjusts his glasses and wanders over to the SUV to get his jacket or something. They've all done this on purpose, of course, to leave you alone with Adam you're five hundred percent sure that Allison's behind all of this but you're having none of it, not when seconds ago you were almost eating dirt in front of his face, so you settle for turning your body away from him and going inside your Idol home, walking briskly toward the stairs that lead down to the basement.
Because of his long legs and fondness for lengthy strides, he catches up to you quickly and his hand's around your forearm, he's pulling you back pulling you back pulling you back, and he's turning you around so that you're facing him. "Hey, hey, hey." He tilts his head to the side in concern. "Not so fast, you. What's going on here?"
You open your mouth once and a small sound escapes your throat but you close it because no, no, it's - it's nothing seems so - stupid. You bite your lip, look away, and then look up at him and open your mouth again because you think you've got the perfect response down, but Allison, who bursts from the kitchen and pauses in mid-skip up the stairs, looks over and shouts, "He thinks you were too kissy-kissy, touchy-feely with Matt!"
It's loud enough that Matt hears the last two words of the sentence from the kitchen because he's poking his head through the entrance, and it's definitely loud enough for Danny because it leads to him saying, "Okay, okay, hold on, guys, lemme at least get to the kitchen before you do anything!" as he enters the mansion and closes the door behind him, jacket and one of his God-knows-how-many eyeglass cases in hand.
Allison throws you an innocent grin as she bounds up the stairs dammit, Allison, how the hell could you do that to me, Matt offers you nothing but a smug teeth-bearing grin dammit, Matt, this is all your fault, and Danny doesn't even look at you - there's a hint of a laugh spewing from his mouth though - dammit, Danny, why the hell are you involved in this in the first place.
"'Kissy-kissy, touchy-feely'?" he repeats as his eyes swivel to you slowly, his expression seemingly somewhere halfway between shocked and amused, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion and dear God, you're just begging for the tiles to open up and swallow you like, now. "With Matt? Really, Kris, you were-?"
You're blushing you hate it when you blush and you're stuttering, "Wha - no! N - no, of course not, why would I-" and all you're processing is gee, do you want to get any more obvious, Kristopher?
Adam laughs. "You're cute when you get caught," he offers, and you look away and give him a humph in response. You don't even have to look back to see the grin on his face; you can hear it in his voice. "You know I'm affectionate, doll."
You click your tongue against the roof of your mouth. "Like you'd ever kiss Danny on the cheek if he was eliminated."
"Well, like I'd ever kiss him, period, doll," he answers quickly, "but that's not the point. The point is - you were jealous of Matthew, weren't you, Kristopher?"
You look at him incredulously. "I was not jealous of Matthew, Adam Mitchel."
He snorts. "Kristopher Neil, please. You can't lie to me."
And okay, no, no, you really can't; not when he's looking at you with those vivid eyes, not when he's stepping closer and closer and closer to you, not when he's got you pinned against the wall with your wrists above your head-
"Okay, fine," you consent, and he smirks, "maybe a little."
If there were a meaningful definition just for the way he looks at you lets his gaze ghost over you touches you lets his breath speak in pretty whispers on your skin speaks to you lets his voice become the only pool you'd willingly drown yourself in, you probably wouldn't have believed it.
You and him him and you him and what he does to you? It's - undefinable.
Hey, no! you're not going to carry me up anywhere you're not going to, hey, wait! okay, who do you think you are-
False resentment false indignation false anything when it comes to Adam never works never works never works, not when he's nipping at your ear or running his tongue up your earlobe, especially not when his lips are on yours, his lips are on yours, his tongue is in your mouth and you're moaning and oh, God-
And then he's teasing you with that damn smile of his, that damn smile of his, brightness in his eyes as he trails a hand across your jaw, lets it run over your abdomen and he even has the nerve to playfully tug on your boxers, to let his hand skim over your erection oh, God, touch me there yes please dear God before he drags it back up your stomach, back up to your neck and he's letting his fingers loiter above your collarbone across your collarbone his fingertips like a butterfly on your shoulder-
"If I'd known" - he adjusts himself so that he is straddling your hips, looking down at you with a raised eyebrow and a slightly smug look in his eyes and damn, you hate how even smugness becomes sexy seductive alluring when it's splayed across his face - "I mean, really, Kristopher, if I'd known-"
"-don't you 'Kristopher' me," you bite out and he just chuckles.
"Kristopher." And he enunciates every damn syllable and you hate the fact that everything he says sounds like a song sounds like a song sounds like a siren's song if you're going to be dragged down to your death, Adam's voice Adam's voice Adam's siren song giving in to Adam's siren song is the best option sounds like heaven and you know it. "If I'd have known Matthew would have brought out this side of you, I should've kissed him when he was saved."
You and him him and you him and what he does to you? It's - undefinable.
You shake your head and stare at him incredulously. You blink, and he looks at you and he blinks, and he lets a low laugh rumble in his throat. It sends a shiver down your spine a simple look from him would send shivers down your spine; must be a remote control or something, a sort of 'press here to send shivers down Kris Allen's spine' button that he abuses and abuses, that you would let him abuse and abuse and you begin to breathe hard. You have to tear your eyes away from him as he leans down to nuzzle your neck, and you're just barely able to contain a whimper as his teeth gently nip at your skin. You clamp your eyes shut and feel the blood rush down, and your mouth is slightly open, and oh, God he's tracing the teeth marks he's made with his tongue, letting it glide over your skin. This time, you succumb to releasing a moan, and you feel his lips smile against your chest as he moves down down down and fuck-oh, God he's got his mouth around your right nipple and he's pulling on it gently with his teeth and breath is caught in your throat it's the best form of asphyxiation yes oh oh oh, and the next thing you know, he's blowing gently and the cold air makes you arch your back.
He pulls back and then his hand is on your biceps, fingers lazily drawing flowers and hearts and he's drawing KA for goodness' sake, and he just shakes his head with a smile. He drags his fingers up to your shoulder, draws it down draws it down and holy-he's got your left nipple in between his thumb and his middle finger and he's twisting it ever so gently and you're writhing beneath him. He lets out what sounds like a purr (of course Adam Lambert purrs) as you buck your hips up and you press against his thigh, and the next thing you know he does it at such an inhuman speed, it's bound to be a record his fingers are gently tapping on your trapped erection and even the lightest of feathery touches elicit a moan from you. You're breathing even harder now, not quite yet at panting okay, very close to panting-okay, now you're panting and fuck, how does he move so fast, he's holding himself up with one hand as the other pulls your boxers down to your knees and then-
"Oh," and your back is so arched it begins to hurt, but he's stroking you gently, lethargically, and dear God, he's got his thumb pressed to the tip of your erection and he's massaging it and oh, the pressure feels so good and you're thrusting your hips and then the warmth is gone and what the-
"Why" - your brain is scrambling to find the right words, your breath comes in short, uneven gasps, and you're just going crazy, it's an Olympian effort to even talk, you can't take the feeling that's pooling in your stomach, you need release - "why the hell did you-"
And in Adam Lambert fashion, he doesn't let you finish, Adam Lambert is the epitome of actions speak louder than words as his mouth engulfs your length - you're not even going to wonder about how he'd shimmied down there so fast - and oh oh oh, his tongue is pressed against the base of your length, is torturously beginning an upward path, he's letting his tongue cricle your head and oh oh oh you're staring up at the ceiling, you're biting down so hard on your bottom lip that you begin to taste blood, your neck is taut, you're seeing stars, your body's tighter than any bowstring oh oh dear God oh you can't handle it anymore-"Oh, fuck"-and he's fucking humming and the vibrations are driving you insane and "Oh, fu-oh, oh, oh, oh-"
You and him him and you him as he releases your length from his mouth and he's stroking it and he says "Kristopher Neil Allen" in a breathless moan and you've got yes, yes, yes, oh God, yes, Adam Adam Adam on your lips and he's looking up at you with those eyes those eyes those eyes and you tilt your head back Adam Adam Adam oh God Adam?
It's undefinable.
(Time to make him say oh God yes yes yes Kris oh oh yes oh, fuck, Kris, yes.)
Title: Not Even Breathing Room
Author: ilytheira
Pairings: Kradam (Kris/Adam)
Rating: NC17
Summary: 'See, you don't know what it is that makes well, isn't that kind of like cheating on me if he's having a bromance with Matt, too? run through your head [...], but you're dead-set on maiming whatever it is that makes you say it out loud.'
Notes: Written in response to the jealous!Kris prompt on kradam_ai, based on the night of Matt's elimination. Also, although Breathing Room occurs in the same timeline as One View, they are not part of the same series.
Disclaimer: Neither Kris nor Adam, nor any of the people featured below, belong to me. The title comes from Aerosmith's "Cryin'."
This fic is dedicated to onthepowerlines, because she's sweeter than butterscotch and cuter than a basket of puppies. :D Ilu, bb! ♥.
The picture referenced in the first few paragraphs can be found here.
If there were a mathematical equation to follow the number of times your visceral responses have fluctuated in the last five minutes, you probably wouldn't have been able to follow it. It wouldn't have mattered if Einstein himself had come back to life for the sole purpose of engraving the how and why of the equation into your head; it wouldn't have mattered if you were in possession of a capacity to learn and know and methodically properly expertly use the equation every now and then; hell, it wouldn't have mattered if you did get it on the first go.
No humanly possible number of square roots or exponents, of parentheses or equal signs, could have come close to describing the unexpected rise and fall of your blood as you watch him envelope Matt in a hug with those arms those arms you've trailed kisses down those arms those arms you've found yourself wrapped in those arms. You steady yourself at the sudden explosion of indignation towards Matt Matt, who you've thrown water balloons and disposable plates of pasta at Matt Matt, who you've stayed up 'til midnight with as you rearrange and transpose and rearrange some more Matt, and make sure you recover as Allison, ever a ball of sunshine, hugs you and hugs you and hugs you and exclaims "Oh!" so quietly that you are sure only you are meant to hear it.
You're sure that, for a moment, the slightly bothered look on Danny's face that you catch with your peripheral vision is mirrored on yours, but you're much more apt at hiding it, you've already got this skill honed since God-knows-when. You reel as your head spins for a second, then two, then three, as your brain rewinds and begins to go over Adam's lips Adam's lips, who've found their way across your jaw line more than once Adam's lips Adam's lips, who've certainly traced a path down to your navel multiple times Adam's lips pressing themselves against the stubble on Matt's cheek, and it's Allison again who has to pull you back, pull you back by pulling you into a group hug.
You stumble and throw your hand out for support, throw your hand and land it unknowingly on Matt's shoulder, Matt who takes it as a sign of you were great, man, you were great you're great you're gonna be bigger and better than ever, they love you they love you they love you, Matt who twists his body just so, who angles it so perfectly that as he drapes an arm around you, he's got an arm on Adam's shoulders, too, Adam's shoulders, dammit, and you let out a grunt of frustration under your breath as Danny splits you up and gives Matt one of those half-hearted half-assed one-armed hugs he seems to fall back on every week.
A haphazard grin makes its way onto your lips - you don't even know how it got there; maybe it's the result of you finding absolute amusement in Danny's expression as Matt disregards the one-handedness and throws both arms around him, or maybe it's your uncalled-for captivation with Allison's ability to snake over to Adam and your momentary transfixion at him hugging her - and it doesn't leave. You're glad for the distraction Danny becomes as he wedges himself between you and Matt, glad for the distraction on-screen Matt and Lil and Anoop become, but why the hell does Adam have to be in the same shot?
In fact, why the hell is Adam's hand on Matt's back a mere few centimeters away from your arm, so close and yet so far, close enough for you to adjust your hand just slightly, just enough for skin to brush against skin; too far much too far way too far for your hand to travel and not have it noticed why would Kris Allen have to move his hand so close to Adam Lambert's?
Why would Kris Allen even care bother to care why should Kris Allen even care-
-care about Adam Lambert's hand and its proximity to Matt Giraud's back why why why?
So, you settle for the agony and the unanswered questions. You settle for not reaching him, not reaching him, almost reaching him but not touching him not touching him not touching him, and it frustrates you that all Matt needs to do, all Matt has to do, all Matt does is shrug your hand off unintentionally, of course, unintentionally unintentionally you hope and pray that it's unintentionally, turn ever so slightly, and then it's arms around shoulders and hearty pats on the backs all over again.
You close your eyes and breathe breathe breathe and barely remember to keep the whole of your weight off of Allison as you lean into her. Her fingers become drumsticks and your back the drum as she creates a steady rhythm, and times like this, you think she's some sort of psychic or something because she always knows what to do and what to say and now you're just waiting for her sixth sense to kick in-
"Chill a little, why don't you?" she says exasperatedly under her breath. Her fingertips are gone from your back and she's crossed her arms and her elbow presses uncomfortably into your side, but you wait until it starts to really bother you before you shift somewhat to the left. "If anyone else saw you look at Matt like that, they'd've thought you were out to kill him or something."
"Look at Matt like what?" you answer, because you? Is she kidding? Why would you have any reason to direct your attention to Matt damn, can't you just - can't you just not be so, you know, Matt- and, wow. Now he's got you debating against yourself now there's a reason to direct your attention to Matt and Allison's staring at you like you've grown a second head (maybe a fifth one, you really don't know, you really can't tell because her eyes are narrowed and her forehead is wrinkled and she's just - you know, Allison).
Her gaze is all daggers before she sighs and shakes her head. "Kris," she says emphatically. "Sure, Matt and Adam have a bromance or whatever you're into calling it now going on, too, but please. Stop looking at him like you're gonna feed him to the sharks, okay? It's not like he's threatening to usurp your position or steal Adam or whatever's going on in your head."
See, you don't know what it is that makes well, isn't that kind of like cheating on me if he's having a bromance with Matt, too? run through your head (you're sure that whatever it was, it meant for it to be a joke, because, hey, you totally get it if it's a joke, you'd even laugh at it) but you're dead-set on maiming whatever it is that makes you say it out loud.
Alli's laughter just kind of distracts you from the whole holy shit, did I just say that holy shit, I just said that embarrassment, but it's not enough - not when Danny's looking back at you with a raised eyebrow and it hits you that oh shit, Danny Gokey heard that.
You're ready to crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of your life.
If there were a medical term explicitly for the hop skip jump your heart does when you see him (okay, so that's not technically right - when you see him with someone else is totally more appropriate), you probably wouldn't have been able to pronounce it. The foremost researcher on Adam Lambert-induced reactions heart does hop skip jump brain spins around and around palms begin to sweat warning, side effects may include dizziness and incoherence could come up to you right now tomorrow could've come up to you yesterday to explain that Adam Lambert is a drug that affects your peripheral nervous system and your conscious responses autonomic? somatic? touch touch touch sight smell feel feel sight sight smell hearing hearing touch and oh, oh, wait, it's definitely got something to do your heart rate, too, but it wouldn't have mattered. The medical term could be in Latin or Greek or Russian and it wouldn't matter, it could be in plain English and it wouldn't matter; you most likely wouldn't have cared.
There's a feeling that washes over you and whatever it is jealousy, maybe, jealousy, spite, no it's overprotectiveness, no it's jealousy, okay fine maybe it might be jealousy, it's got you in its grip and it doesn't want to let go. You're a table away from Matt and his family, a table away from where Adam and Allison are mingling with them, a step a fingertip a hair away from Adam who's got his back to you, who's got his arm around Matt and Allison. You don't even have to look to know that it's him; you don't know what it is, maybe every fiber in your being's been trained to respond to him whenever he's near, but something lets you know that it's him, and suddenly, Katy's plans about changing the curtains yeah, yeah, lavender? no, no, not lavender - not lavender, just as long as it's not white peach peach maybe peach? aren't so important. Her smile is bright and her eyes are wide in excitement - she's quite passionate about the peach curtains they're peach, right? not like, tangerine, because I, you know, I really don't want to step into the living room and see tangerine curtains - and you're smiling back at her (you can't even convince yourself) and nodding, but it's hard to pay attention to anything when Adam's a breath away and the heat radiating from his skin is making the hairs on your neck stand.
Dan's telling a story about a girl who'd fallen on the mat during cheer tryouts a year or two ago and you've heard the story at least three times so you know when to laugh (well, okay, no, that's a lie, your eyes are cast to the side and he's giving you that glare, and that's how you know when to laugh) and when to nod your head and when to say "Oh, God, that must've hurt! How long did her, uh-"
"-dislocated shoulder," your brother supplies, and you shoot him a dirty glare as he raises an eyebrow at you.
"-uh, dislocated shoulder," you continue, flushing redder than the ketchup smothering your fries, "yeah - so how long did it take to, you know, heal?"
Dan shakes his head at you there's disappointment in his eyes - you've dealt with that before - but there's also an impending question, and that's what you're afraid of and turns to Katy, who's just echoed your question, and he goes on about how they'd popped it back in the same day cringe, Kris, this is where you cringe but she'd had to wear a sling for at least a month to make sure she wouldn't stretch and hurt it again - or something like that. There's another sentence or two that comes after that, something about whether or not she'd made it or if she tried out again the year after, but it's all gibberish to you as Adam's laughter floats over and, "Oh, yeah. I love Matt - he's a great guy, y'know? Raised him well. He's awesome."
You tell yourself that you totally get what Adam means I love him like a brother like a brother like a brother love him like I love Neil, y'know and that your blood boiling just a little bit is a complete overreaction, that it's completely ridiculous for you to let this get under your skin, but then Adam and Matt are throwing "Love ya, man" back and forth and Alli's just giggling to the side and you want to turn and see the expression on her face, but then that'd mean turning around and seeing the - er, excellent example of camaraderie and you don't know if you could handle that with your state of mind and-
"Oh, no, that's Kris," you hear Adam say and you turn your head so fast, you wince at the small burst of sharp pain before you look up and he's looking down at you and Matt's just grinning widely.
"What about Kris?" you say slowly, suspiciously, because if there's one thing you're going to take away from Idol, it's to never trust Matt when he's got that expression on his face.
Matt's eyes flicker over to Adam, and Adam raises an eyebrow, but not before his eyes flicker to you, and he tilts his head slightly. "They wanted to know who spent all those long nights in the piano room with me," the shorter singer says with his Cheshire-cat grin and dammit, you should've expected something like that, "and Adam's never down for it, since he's always upstairs getting" - and you know Matt's going to say something, dammit, he's going to say something and Adam catches the glint in his eye, catches it and steps on Matt's foot and Matt winces - "his beauty sleep."
You stand up and glare at him, and beside him, Alli, who's nursing a quick gulp of Pepsi in her mouth, swallows her drink, makes a face, and then coughs once, twice, coughs again before she dissolves into giggles and she's leaning against Matt for support.
Danny, who'd been chatting with one of his sisters, looks up and calls out, "What's going on over there?" and Adam calls back, "Matt being Matt!" as if it explains everything, and apparently to Danny, it does because he simply shakes his head, wears a knowing smile on his face since when has Danny Gokey suddenly been in on all the looks and smiles, and then turns back when his sister asks about what's going on three tables away.
(No, no, like, seriously. Since when has Danny been in on all the looks and the smiles?)
You're the first one to scramble out of the black SUV as the vehicle comes to a complete stop and it's funny, really, it is, because you're tripping over yourself and Matt's the one who's got your arms in his grip and his hand on your chest to push you back up to stability. He's looking at you strangely he's trying to hide a laugh and you know too damn well that he can't oh, well, now he's just flat-out laughing at you. You can barely make out Allison's breathy "Ohmygodareyouokay?" and you barely catch Danny tilting his head down in amusement and you barely recognize Adam's "Kris, what happened?" and oh, hey, it's Adam, and he's gently peeling you away from Matt, who finds his stability in leaning against Danny you're surprised he's not doubled over yet.
You cough to buy yourself some time and you can feel your heartbeat pulsating in your throat. "Yeah - yeah, Alli, I'm - I'm good. I, uh" - and then you look at Adam and acknowledge him with a tip of your head but refuse to meet his eyes - "I, you know. Tripped. Got - er, I'm just tired and totally ready to go to bed?"
Matt snorts and the dirty glare you throw him is enough for Allison to pry him away from Danny and tug him inside. Danny gives you another one of those way to fuck up, man, now go fix it looks as he adjusts his glasses and wanders over to the SUV to get his jacket or something. They've all done this on purpose, of course, to leave you alone with Adam you're five hundred percent sure that Allison's behind all of this but you're having none of it, not when seconds ago you were almost eating dirt in front of his face, so you settle for turning your body away from him and going inside your Idol home, walking briskly toward the stairs that lead down to the basement.
Because of his long legs and fondness for lengthy strides, he catches up to you quickly and his hand's around your forearm, he's pulling you back pulling you back pulling you back, and he's turning you around so that you're facing him. "Hey, hey, hey." He tilts his head to the side in concern. "Not so fast, you. What's going on here?"
You open your mouth once and a small sound escapes your throat but you close it because no, no, it's - it's nothing seems so - stupid. You bite your lip, look away, and then look up at him and open your mouth again because you think you've got the perfect response down, but Allison, who bursts from the kitchen and pauses in mid-skip up the stairs, looks over and shouts, "He thinks you were too kissy-kissy, touchy-feely with Matt!"
It's loud enough that Matt hears the last two words of the sentence from the kitchen because he's poking his head through the entrance, and it's definitely loud enough for Danny because it leads to him saying, "Okay, okay, hold on, guys, lemme at least get to the kitchen before you do anything!" as he enters the mansion and closes the door behind him, jacket and one of his God-knows-how-many eyeglass cases in hand.
Allison throws you an innocent grin as she bounds up the stairs dammit, Allison, how the hell could you do that to me, Matt offers you nothing but a smug teeth-bearing grin dammit, Matt, this is all your fault, and Danny doesn't even look at you - there's a hint of a laugh spewing from his mouth though - dammit, Danny, why the hell are you involved in this in the first place.
"'Kissy-kissy, touchy-feely'?" he repeats as his eyes swivel to you slowly, his expression seemingly somewhere halfway between shocked and amused, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion and dear God, you're just begging for the tiles to open up and swallow you like, now. "With Matt? Really, Kris, you were-?"
You're blushing you hate it when you blush and you're stuttering, "Wha - no! N - no, of course not, why would I-" and all you're processing is gee, do you want to get any more obvious, Kristopher?
Adam laughs. "You're cute when you get caught," he offers, and you look away and give him a humph in response. You don't even have to look back to see the grin on his face; you can hear it in his voice. "You know I'm affectionate, doll."
You click your tongue against the roof of your mouth. "Like you'd ever kiss Danny on the cheek if he was eliminated."
"Well, like I'd ever kiss him, period, doll," he answers quickly, "but that's not the point. The point is - you were jealous of Matthew, weren't you, Kristopher?"
You look at him incredulously. "I was not jealous of Matthew, Adam Mitchel."
He snorts. "Kristopher Neil, please. You can't lie to me."
And okay, no, no, you really can't; not when he's looking at you with those vivid eyes, not when he's stepping closer and closer and closer to you, not when he's got you pinned against the wall with your wrists above your head-
"Okay, fine," you consent, and he smirks, "maybe a little."
If there were a meaningful definition just for the way he looks at you lets his gaze ghost over you touches you lets his breath speak in pretty whispers on your skin speaks to you lets his voice become the only pool you'd willingly drown yourself in, you probably wouldn't have believed it.
You and him him and you him and what he does to you? It's - undefinable.
Hey, no! you're not going to carry me up anywhere you're not going to, hey, wait! okay, who do you think you are-
False resentment false indignation false anything when it comes to Adam never works never works never works, not when he's nipping at your ear or running his tongue up your earlobe, especially not when his lips are on yours, his lips are on yours, his tongue is in your mouth and you're moaning and oh, God-
And then he's teasing you with that damn smile of his, that damn smile of his, brightness in his eyes as he trails a hand across your jaw, lets it run over your abdomen and he even has the nerve to playfully tug on your boxers, to let his hand skim over your erection oh, God, touch me there yes please dear God before he drags it back up your stomach, back up to your neck and he's letting his fingers loiter above your collarbone across your collarbone his fingertips like a butterfly on your shoulder-
"If I'd known" - he adjusts himself so that he is straddling your hips, looking down at you with a raised eyebrow and a slightly smug look in his eyes and damn, you hate how even smugness becomes sexy seductive alluring when it's splayed across his face - "I mean, really, Kristopher, if I'd known-"
"-don't you 'Kristopher' me," you bite out and he just chuckles.
"Kristopher." And he enunciates every damn syllable and you hate the fact that everything he says sounds like a song sounds like a song sounds like a siren's song if you're going to be dragged down to your death, Adam's voice Adam's voice Adam's siren song giving in to Adam's siren song is the best option sounds like heaven and you know it. "If I'd have known Matthew would have brought out this side of you, I should've kissed him when he was saved."
You and him him and you him and what he does to you? It's - undefinable.
You shake your head and stare at him incredulously. You blink, and he looks at you and he blinks, and he lets a low laugh rumble in his throat. It sends a shiver down your spine a simple look from him would send shivers down your spine; must be a remote control or something, a sort of 'press here to send shivers down Kris Allen's spine' button that he abuses and abuses, that you would let him abuse and abuse and you begin to breathe hard. You have to tear your eyes away from him as he leans down to nuzzle your neck, and you're just barely able to contain a whimper as his teeth gently nip at your skin. You clamp your eyes shut and feel the blood rush down, and your mouth is slightly open, and oh, God he's tracing the teeth marks he's made with his tongue, letting it glide over your skin. This time, you succumb to releasing a moan, and you feel his lips smile against your chest as he moves down down down and fuck-oh, God he's got his mouth around your right nipple and he's pulling on it gently with his teeth and breath is caught in your throat it's the best form of asphyxiation yes oh oh oh, and the next thing you know, he's blowing gently and the cold air makes you arch your back.
He pulls back and then his hand is on your biceps, fingers lazily drawing flowers and hearts and he's drawing KA for goodness' sake, and he just shakes his head with a smile. He drags his fingers up to your shoulder, draws it down draws it down and holy-he's got your left nipple in between his thumb and his middle finger and he's twisting it ever so gently and you're writhing beneath him. He lets out what sounds like a purr (of course Adam Lambert purrs) as you buck your hips up and you press against his thigh, and the next thing you know he does it at such an inhuman speed, it's bound to be a record his fingers are gently tapping on your trapped erection and even the lightest of feathery touches elicit a moan from you. You're breathing even harder now, not quite yet at panting okay, very close to panting-okay, now you're panting and fuck, how does he move so fast, he's holding himself up with one hand as the other pulls your boxers down to your knees and then-
"Oh," and your back is so arched it begins to hurt, but he's stroking you gently, lethargically, and dear God, he's got his thumb pressed to the tip of your erection and he's massaging it and oh, the pressure feels so good and you're thrusting your hips and then the warmth is gone and what the-
"Why" - your brain is scrambling to find the right words, your breath comes in short, uneven gasps, and you're just going crazy, it's an Olympian effort to even talk, you can't take the feeling that's pooling in your stomach, you need release - "why the hell did you-"
And in Adam Lambert fashion, he doesn't let you finish, Adam Lambert is the epitome of actions speak louder than words as his mouth engulfs your length - you're not even going to wonder about how he'd shimmied down there so fast - and oh oh oh, his tongue is pressed against the base of your length, is torturously beginning an upward path, he's letting his tongue cricle your head and oh oh oh you're staring up at the ceiling, you're biting down so hard on your bottom lip that you begin to taste blood, your neck is taut, you're seeing stars, your body's tighter than any bowstring oh oh dear God oh you can't handle it anymore-"Oh, fuck"-and he's fucking humming and the vibrations are driving you insane and "Oh, fu-oh, oh, oh, oh-"
You and him him and you him as he releases your length from his mouth and he's stroking it and he says "Kristopher Neil Allen" in a breathless moan and you've got yes, yes, yes, oh God, yes, Adam Adam Adam on your lips and he's looking up at you with those eyes those eyes those eyes and you tilt your head back Adam Adam Adam oh God Adam?
It's undefinable.
(Time to make him say oh God yes yes yes Kris oh oh yes oh, fuck, Kris, yes.)