I Read Trash So You Don’t Have To: Ultra Romantic Edition!!
I've got the cold from hell and my head feels like a leaky pumpkin. Consequently, I've been reading a lot of trashy trash.
A Werewolf in Manhattan Vicki Lewis Thompson
Some books are bad in a good way; some books are bad in a hilarious way and some books are so bad that they can't be saved by their own mediocrity. Nothing in this book might have happened at all if the romantic lead bothered to jerk off.
Let me back up a little. Here we have our heroine who writes romance novels about werewolves. Unfortunately for her, even if she knows she's living in fantasy land, her were-creatures are so accurate that they've attracted the attention of the local pack who put her under surveillance to see where she's getting her intel. It sounds like there's a plot here: there isn't.
There is a boatload of terrible dialogue that's meant to be witty but, again, isn't, and a handful of lackluster characters who have absolutely no chemistry. There is also no tension to speak of. I have read books where people sat around a table talking with more tension than there is in this book.
On top of this there is the aggravating "genetic defect" the romantic lead has which forces him to change shapes when he's sexually frustrated. Which is often. He's worried about giving the game away to the girl of his dreams and the only solution is to get off or go furry and, alas, he never considers taking matters into his own hands. Not once.
So, my argument stands: this book never would have happened if the lead had bothered to jerk off.
Consequently, I didn't finish this one.
Kate Daniels Series Ilona Andrews
A long, long time ago, in one of the many media related conversations I have with my sister, I asked her, "So, what have you been reading?"
"Oh, you know, Patricia Briggs and Ilona Andrews."
I rolled my eyes. I take back the eyeroll now.
A few months later, I was perusing audiobooks and there Andrews was, so I downloaded the first book. I didn't love it immediately. It felt more like a TV pilot: introducing all of the characters and throwing up the foundation for the rest of the series and, while I liked it enough, it wasn't until the final chapter that I thought, "Oh, damn, I want to see what happens next."
It's a fun series with a lot of humor and action. I like the fact that no one pulls awesome swords that are awesome out of nowhere to smite the enemy even if sometimes they get a little crazy with the weapons love. And, for the most part, the characters make sense. Kate, for example, is a bundle of issues and kind of a bitch. She tends to kick things first and ask questions later and her mouth gets her into trouble more often than not, but these are all flaws she acknowledges. And I do like a heroine who can rescue herself.
I also like the pie-stealing hero with an anger management problem who has been known to glue Kate to chairs, the blind, vegetarian were-tiger who likes to drive fast cars, the pranking, devious were-hyenas, the vampire navigating necromancer with an eye for science, and the giant, black attack poodle.
Is this series a wealth of gorgeous prose and thought provoking insights? No. But it's funny, engaging and damned entertaining.
And, while I'm on that paranormal romance thing:
The Mercy Thompson Series Patricia Briggs
I've read the entire series (at least so far) and I still have no idea if I like it or not. I'm not sure what it is: the pacing, some of Mercy’s stupid choices--or it could be the love triangle.
I know that some people like the love triangle: I am not one of those people. Generally all most love triangles say to me is "I'm indecisive!" At that point, I've already stopped sympathizing with the heroine and that's maybe not what the writer intended when she threw the scenario out there.
So, because I can't stand the love triangle, I solve the problem by texting my sister frantically.
"PLZ TELL ME THIS LOVE TRIANGLE GETS RESOLVED IN A FAVORABLE MANNER. SOON."
"lol," says my sister.
"DON'T DO THIS TO ME," I text back, "I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING BURNING THIS SHIT."
"LOL," my sister replies unhelpfully.
And this, right here, is my biggest problem: the romantic situation is more compelling than most of the plot. The things I like about the Kate Daniels series, chiefly the fact that the plot is going somewhere and there are bigger issues than Kate’s own angst, never seem to get off the ground in the Mercy Thompson series. There are issues with various paranormal groups: the Fae, the werewolves, the vampires, but where are they going? Why do they seem like only a flash in the pan? Why do most of these political issues not make sense? Why do I care more about whether or not Mercy winds up with Adam or Sam?
So, do I like the series? Probably not so much, but it's hardly the worst thing I've read either.
Shopaholic Sophie Kinsella
If ever there was a book made for throwing, it's this one. I get that the book and the rest of the series are extremely popular, I just don't understand why.
I had read some of Kinsella's other books which were charming but generally unmemorable but this one-this one was memorable if only because I found myself so enraged by the heroine's stupidity that it's possible I might have been able to set things on fire with the power of my thoughts. I know that she's supposed to be charmingly dumb but, believe me, charming is not the word I would use for her embarrassing antics.
Maybe she eventually learned from her mistakes but I won't ever know because no power on earth could make me finish this book.
Mr. Impossible Loretta Chase
Of all of the Chase books I've read, I love Mr. Impossible the most and mostly it boils down to this: Rupert. I love Daphne too, she's smart and beans pursuing villains with rocks but, no, really I love Rupert. Mostly I love Rupert because he's secretly responsible even when he doesn't realize that's what's happening to him. He's all, "No, really, I'm a silly scoundrel-oh wait. I'm looking after a ship load of people! When did that happen?"
I do not, however, love the ending of the book. It's more of a vehicle to introduce the rest of the series, which is also enjoyable (although the rest of the series doesn't take place in Egypt with slightly mangled Arabic even if there are tomb robbers of another variety.)
Garasu no Kamen (The Glass Mask)
Garasu no Kamen is a crazy soap opera that's been around for decades and was revived sometime recently with the promise of an actual ending. It's been referenced in dozens of places and it's even spawned its own J-drama and at least two anime series. It's actually pretty hilariously terrible but I'm addicted anyway.
There is so much DRAMA and there's no way to talk about this series without getting all hand wavy and using caps to illustrate my inexplicable addiction to its badness and yet I have read 45 volumes and will, probably, stick with it until the end.
But it's like a black comedy. It's so silly. I imagine dramatic swells of music and maybe someone's wearing that sweater that the heroine wore in I'm Sorry, I Love You and then they all miss each other crossing the street in opposite directions while searching in a haze of melancholic longing. I DON'T KNOW.
All I'm saying is it's that kind of soap opera.
Mairelon the Magician Patricia C. Wrede
I have a copy of this book from the nineties. I got it at one of those school reading fairs when I was living in Jordan and, while it may not have seen as many countries as I have, it's come close. The book is so battered it's falling apart but I keep picking it up and reading it over and over and then shaking my fist because no one seems to carry it anywhere.
It was recently re-released with its sequel as A Matter of Magic, so, of course, I had to read it again.
This book is one of my ultimate comfort reading books. It's got fun characters, magic that has rules, and fun, engaging mystery plots. No matter how many times I read these books, they never get old. I'm sure at least some of that is nostalgia, the rest is because they're fun.
False Colors Alex Beecroft
Far be it from me to be underwhelmed by a novel featuring gay naval officers in the 1760s-with pirates, no less--but, while I like the novel well enough, it does sort of fizzle out toward the back half. With all of the major conflicts behind them (court martial, torture, pirates, giant men who call themselves "Sweet Bess," the requisite ultra religious upbringing) it's up to John and Alfie to sort themselves out and own up to their feelings for each other but, you know, they carry on for a few more chapters in denial about the how real whose feelings are and whatnot. At which point I start tearing out my hair and screaming, "Oh for god's sake, he just bribed and blackmailed your way out of a hanging! How much more proof do you need?"
But maybe that's just me.
A Werewolf in Manhattan Vicki Lewis Thompson
Some books are bad in a good way; some books are bad in a hilarious way and some books are so bad that they can't be saved by their own mediocrity. Nothing in this book might have happened at all if the romantic lead bothered to jerk off.
Let me back up a little. Here we have our heroine who writes romance novels about werewolves. Unfortunately for her, even if she knows she's living in fantasy land, her were-creatures are so accurate that they've attracted the attention of the local pack who put her under surveillance to see where she's getting her intel. It sounds like there's a plot here: there isn't.
There is a boatload of terrible dialogue that's meant to be witty but, again, isn't, and a handful of lackluster characters who have absolutely no chemistry. There is also no tension to speak of. I have read books where people sat around a table talking with more tension than there is in this book.
On top of this there is the aggravating "genetic defect" the romantic lead has which forces him to change shapes when he's sexually frustrated. Which is often. He's worried about giving the game away to the girl of his dreams and the only solution is to get off or go furry and, alas, he never considers taking matters into his own hands. Not once.
So, my argument stands: this book never would have happened if the lead had bothered to jerk off.
Consequently, I didn't finish this one.
Kate Daniels Series Ilona Andrews
A long, long time ago, in one of the many media related conversations I have with my sister, I asked her, "So, what have you been reading?"
"Oh, you know, Patricia Briggs and Ilona Andrews."
I rolled my eyes. I take back the eyeroll now.
A few months later, I was perusing audiobooks and there Andrews was, so I downloaded the first book. I didn't love it immediately. It felt more like a TV pilot: introducing all of the characters and throwing up the foundation for the rest of the series and, while I liked it enough, it wasn't until the final chapter that I thought, "Oh, damn, I want to see what happens next."
It's a fun series with a lot of humor and action. I like the fact that no one pulls awesome swords that are awesome out of nowhere to smite the enemy even if sometimes they get a little crazy with the weapons love. And, for the most part, the characters make sense. Kate, for example, is a bundle of issues and kind of a bitch. She tends to kick things first and ask questions later and her mouth gets her into trouble more often than not, but these are all flaws she acknowledges. And I do like a heroine who can rescue herself.
I also like the pie-stealing hero with an anger management problem who has been known to glue Kate to chairs, the blind, vegetarian were-tiger who likes to drive fast cars, the pranking, devious were-hyenas, the vampire navigating necromancer with an eye for science, and the giant, black attack poodle.
Is this series a wealth of gorgeous prose and thought provoking insights? No. But it's funny, engaging and damned entertaining.
And, while I'm on that paranormal romance thing:
The Mercy Thompson Series Patricia Briggs
I've read the entire series (at least so far) and I still have no idea if I like it or not. I'm not sure what it is: the pacing, some of Mercy’s stupid choices--or it could be the love triangle.
I know that some people like the love triangle: I am not one of those people. Generally all most love triangles say to me is "I'm indecisive!" At that point, I've already stopped sympathizing with the heroine and that's maybe not what the writer intended when she threw the scenario out there.
So, because I can't stand the love triangle, I solve the problem by texting my sister frantically.
"PLZ TELL ME THIS LOVE TRIANGLE GETS RESOLVED IN A FAVORABLE MANNER. SOON."
"lol," says my sister.
"DON'T DO THIS TO ME," I text back, "I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING BURNING THIS SHIT."
"LOL," my sister replies unhelpfully.
And this, right here, is my biggest problem: the romantic situation is more compelling than most of the plot. The things I like about the Kate Daniels series, chiefly the fact that the plot is going somewhere and there are bigger issues than Kate’s own angst, never seem to get off the ground in the Mercy Thompson series. There are issues with various paranormal groups: the Fae, the werewolves, the vampires, but where are they going? Why do they seem like only a flash in the pan? Why do most of these political issues not make sense? Why do I care more about whether or not Mercy winds up with Adam or Sam?
So, do I like the series? Probably not so much, but it's hardly the worst thing I've read either.
Shopaholic Sophie Kinsella
If ever there was a book made for throwing, it's this one. I get that the book and the rest of the series are extremely popular, I just don't understand why.
I had read some of Kinsella's other books which were charming but generally unmemorable but this one-this one was memorable if only because I found myself so enraged by the heroine's stupidity that it's possible I might have been able to set things on fire with the power of my thoughts. I know that she's supposed to be charmingly dumb but, believe me, charming is not the word I would use for her embarrassing antics.
Maybe she eventually learned from her mistakes but I won't ever know because no power on earth could make me finish this book.
Mr. Impossible Loretta Chase
Of all of the Chase books I've read, I love Mr. Impossible the most and mostly it boils down to this: Rupert. I love Daphne too, she's smart and beans pursuing villains with rocks but, no, really I love Rupert. Mostly I love Rupert because he's secretly responsible even when he doesn't realize that's what's happening to him. He's all, "No, really, I'm a silly scoundrel-oh wait. I'm looking after a ship load of people! When did that happen?"
I do not, however, love the ending of the book. It's more of a vehicle to introduce the rest of the series, which is also enjoyable (although the rest of the series doesn't take place in Egypt with slightly mangled Arabic even if there are tomb robbers of another variety.)
Garasu no Kamen (The Glass Mask)
Garasu no Kamen is a crazy soap opera that's been around for decades and was revived sometime recently with the promise of an actual ending. It's been referenced in dozens of places and it's even spawned its own J-drama and at least two anime series. It's actually pretty hilariously terrible but I'm addicted anyway.
There is so much DRAMA and there's no way to talk about this series without getting all hand wavy and using caps to illustrate my inexplicable addiction to its badness and yet I have read 45 volumes and will, probably, stick with it until the end.
But it's like a black comedy. It's so silly. I imagine dramatic swells of music and maybe someone's wearing that sweater that the heroine wore in I'm Sorry, I Love You and then they all miss each other crossing the street in opposite directions while searching in a haze of melancholic longing. I DON'T KNOW.
All I'm saying is it's that kind of soap opera.
Mairelon the Magician Patricia C. Wrede
I have a copy of this book from the nineties. I got it at one of those school reading fairs when I was living in Jordan and, while it may not have seen as many countries as I have, it's come close. The book is so battered it's falling apart but I keep picking it up and reading it over and over and then shaking my fist because no one seems to carry it anywhere.
It was recently re-released with its sequel as A Matter of Magic, so, of course, I had to read it again.
This book is one of my ultimate comfort reading books. It's got fun characters, magic that has rules, and fun, engaging mystery plots. No matter how many times I read these books, they never get old. I'm sure at least some of that is nostalgia, the rest is because they're fun.
False Colors Alex Beecroft
Far be it from me to be underwhelmed by a novel featuring gay naval officers in the 1760s-with pirates, no less--but, while I like the novel well enough, it does sort of fizzle out toward the back half. With all of the major conflicts behind them (court martial, torture, pirates, giant men who call themselves "Sweet Bess," the requisite ultra religious upbringing) it's up to John and Alfie to sort themselves out and own up to their feelings for each other but, you know, they carry on for a few more chapters in denial about the how real whose feelings are and whatnot. At which point I start tearing out my hair and screaming, "Oh for god's sake, he just bribed and blackmailed your way out of a hanging! How much more proof do you need?"
But maybe that's just me.