More Dean and Sam angst for Christmas
He sat in the car and watched the rain.
He wasn't sure why it was raining like this in May but Dean was pretty sure it was a sign he wasn't supposed to be here. Dean hadn't talked to him since he got on the bus last fall and walked out of his life and that had been on purpose. Sam was a big boy and he had made his choice all by himself. He hadn't told John or Dean about his scholarship until after he had accepted it. Dad had been furious, screaming and yelling while he foamed at the mouth yelling at Sam. If you walk out the door don't bother coming back were the words that had been uttered and were a death knell on the Winchester family as a whole. Dean knew they had never been a family as it was defined by Webster or Arnold from Different Strokes or whatever short, black kid that defined words to people, but it had been a family to him and now it was gone.
This rain wasn't letting up.
Dean shifted in the driver's seat as he tried to figure out what he was going to do. Sam's class was going to let out in about ten minutes and it was time to shit or get off the pot. He had always heard California was supposed to be sunny all the time but in the last two days he had been wandering around Palo Alto it had been miserable boarding on catastrophic. He was expecting to see someone making a boat while everyone else lined up animals two by two just in case.
He was stalling.
Sam had stormed out of the motel room, grabbing his jacket and backpack in one hand as he slammed the door behind him. Dean had sat in the corner at the table in silence while they had fought. Normally he was the peace keeper in the family, part diplomat, part human shield when the two of them went at it. Dean had literally pulled Sam out of the room against his will to stop a fight from getting as bad as the one they just had but this time he had done nothing. John stood there and fumed, his nostrils flaring with anger as he glared at the door for a few minutes. If his anger was heat the door would have been a pile of ashes by now. It wasn't until Dean sighed that John even remembered he was still in the room.
“You going after him?” he asked Dean angrily.
Dean shrugged not looking up at his father. “Why? He made up his mind.”
John cursed under his breath as he walked over to the fridge and puled out a beer. “Well go unmake it.” he ordered. “Because he isn't going.”
Dean looked up at stared at his father with the most patient face he could muster. “You know he is right?” John looked like he was going to start yelling again but Dean cut him off. “I mean if you want to stomp around and snarl that's fine, but it's just us and we both know Sam is going to do whatever Sam wants to do. He always has and he always will. I can't make him do a damn thing so if you need to shout go for it. But I just want to get the truth out of the way upfront so we know what's real and what's fantasy.”
Dean watched John blink a couple times as he absorbed everything his son had just uttered. It was like watching someone go through the stages of death.
Denial. “That's bullshit Dean! He can't just walk out on us!!”
Anger. “God damnit! What the fuck is wrong with that boy?”
Bargaining. “You think if I promise to try and cut back on jobs he would reconsider?”
Depression. “Oh Jesus Dean...he can't be out there by himself! You don't know...”
And finally acceptance. With a heavy sigh he sat back in his chair. “Go find him and see if he's ok.” Dean got up, grabbing the keys off the table. “And Dean..” John said, stopping his son in mid step. “Make sure he has everything he needs ok?”
“Sure dad.” Dean said checking the time before he walked out the door. It was half past nine now, there wasn't a chance in Hell Dean was going to step foot back in this room before midnight. That gave John Winchester almost three hours to get tipsy, buzzed, drunk and shit faced before passing out, saving Dean the emotional fallout that was going to come with a proclamation like this.
“Nice car!”
Dean jerked way from the window as the strange girl smiled and waved at him before running off into the rain. He ran his hands through his hair as he tried not to berate himself too much for letting a civilian get so close without him even noticing. If that had been a thing...
Five minutes before the class got out.
Dean had found him at the diner down the street. He saw Sam in the window looking over the menu as the waitress waited for him to order and he broke into a grin. Sam was sweating it because he probably had maybe forty bucks on him and since he had just made his grand exit he wasn't sure if he was ever going back. Which would mean that forty bucks was all the money he had in the world. So as Dean walked in and sat across from him he was pretty sure Sam was about to order some soap and a glass of water and hope the waitress was going to bring crackers as well.
“Two bacon greasers and double cheese.” Dean said grabbing the menu out of Sam's hands. “Chocolate shake for me diet coke with Midol for my friend.” He gave the girl a grin as she took the menu and left shaking her head. “Oh I'm sorry.” Dean said to Sam. “Were you going to get something too?”
Sam's face grew impassive as he shifted in the booth. “Forget it Dean, I'm going to college.”
Dean shrugged as he looked around the diner. “Then go, I'm just here to eat.”
“I mean it.” Sam repeated, his voice not sounding so sure.
Dean looked back at his brother. “So do I. I'm hungry.”
The waitress put their drinks down and told them their food would be out in a few. Dean pulled the glass closer to him. “Oh baby where have you been all my life?”
Sam shook his head. “Only you could make drinking a milkshake pervy.”
Dean took a long drag of the shake, his face practically glowing in pleasure. “It's my lips. Seriously they make anything sexual.”
Sam sighed as he forced himself to look away as Dean gave him a smirk.
They sat in silence for a few minutes waiting for their food and not having the conversation. It was a pretty common conversation for the two of them and neither one was ready to repeat it again right now.
“How can you do this to him?”
“Do what Dean? Live my life?”
“He's sacrificed everything for us Sam, we owe him!”
“When do we get a life Dean? When is our turn?”
“There are guys who would kill for our life! No school, shoot things, free money!”
“It's not a life Dean!”
“It's a hell of a life Sam!”
“NOT FOR ME!!”
They just skipped that part and just went straight for the silent part.
The waitress put their plates down and asked if they needed something else. Dean nodded as he began to pound some ketchup out on his plate. “I am going to need two slices of pie, apple if you have it.” She nodded and began to turn away when Dean asked Sam. “Did you want dessert?” She laughed for a second before it began to dawn on her Dean wasn't joking.
“Can I get a sundae?” Sam asked sheepishly. “Caramel sauce?” The waitress gave both of them a long stare before she nodded and walked away mumbling.
They both devoured the burgers and fries without a word between them. They had spent most of their lives in the middle of some argument or fight and they had both learned quickly that there was no argument that couldn't wait for a meal to get back to. After about ten minutes she came to check on them and was mildly shocked to find both plates completely clean. “I'll...get your desserts.” she said clearing the table.
“You're going to need more socks.” Dean said after she had left.
It took Sam about thirty seconds to actually understood what Dean had said. “Huh?”
“You only have like three good pairs of socks and trust me, that's fine on Monday but by Friday you smell like a wet werewolf that has been dead a few days.” Dean commented looking over at the waitress serve his pie.
“I have more than three pairs of socks.” Sam shot back.
Dean nodded without looking back at him. “Yeah but you only have three pairs that actually match and don't have a hole bigger than my fist in them. You do not want to be the kid who has shitty socks trust me. People talk.”
Sam stared at Dean for almost a minute before he spoke. “You're not going to try to talk me out of it?”
Dean glanced over at him shaking his head. “Why bother? You have your mind made up and I just don't have the energy to tilt at that windmill.”
He could see Sam make a shocked reaction before saying. “Wow, I didn't think you'd be ok with this.”
Dean's stare became hard as his eyes seem to darken. “I am not the least bit ok with this, I just said I am not into the mood to argue with you about it.” When the waitress brought their desserts to the table the smile was back in place and his eyes seemed to almost twinkle as he winked ad thanked her but Sam could still see the real Dean lurking right below the surface.
When she left Dean rubbed his hands together as he grabbed his fork. “You know that burger meant nothing right sweetheart? I could never stray from you.”
Sam rolled his eyes as Dean began to devour his pie.
“If you want to talk about it...” Sam began but Dean held a hand up, one finger out to shush him.
“If you want to just take off and ditch me that's fine Sam. But do NOT screw up my pie trying to make yourself feel better about it.” He sounded like he was joking, his tone almost jovial but Sam knew better as he closed his mouth and began to take a small bite of his sundae.
They lapsed into silence again as they finished their food. When Dean was done he slid the plates away from him and took a deep satisfied breath as he leaned back in the booth. “So much better.”
“Is that what you think?” Sam asked after a few seconds.
“That the pie was good?” Dean asked raising an eyebrow. “Defiantly.”
“Dean I'm taking about...” he began but Dean talked over him.
“I know what you meant Sam and yeah I did.”
They lapsed into silence again as the waitress came back and cleared their dishes. “Coffee?” she asked.
“Please.” Dean said looking over at Sam who nodded. “Make it two.”
As soon as she was out of earshot Sam leaned in towards Dean. “I am not ditching you Dean.”
“Aren't you?” Dean responded casually. “What would you call it?”
“Having a life.” Sam said sounding sad.
“Well nice to know you didn't have a life with me.” Dean said leaning back into the booth, still not looking across the table.
“That's not what I meant.” Sam argued.
“Why didn't you ask me Sam?” Dean asked locking eyes with Sam. “Why didn't you even tell me about it?” Sam said nothing. “Because it didn't matter what I thought right? I have absolutely no bearing in your life whatsoever and that is the way you want it.” Dean's voice still wasn't harsh or angry which seemed to make it even worse to Sam for some reason. He talked casually and conversationally as if the topic was no more important than the weather or a sport's score. “Did you even think about how it would make me feel? You made sure I would have no time to think about it at all.”
Sam jerked back a little in surprise. “Think about it? Think about what Dean? What is there to think about? I want to go to college, I want to go to Stanford and dad doesn't want me to go. So what is there to think about?” he laughed nervously. “I mean what were you going to do? Come with me?”
Sam happened to look up at that very instant and saw the look that flashed across Dean's face for half a second. A second later and he would have missed it, the conversation would have been over and Sam would have been none the wiser. But as it was he had seen it and Sam felt the booth seem to double in size as he felt himself shrink inside.
Dean might have come along.
The thought had never passed Sam's mind that his brother would want to give up his life as a hunter for anything much less him. The idea of him and Dean sharing an apartment off campus, with his scholarship money and Dean getting a job as a mechanic they could actually find a new way of living. He could have shown Dean there was another way of surviving outside of the backseat and motels...maybe he could show his brother what he had been trying to explain to him the whole time. That their life was screwed up and that there was something very appealing in the normalcy of an average life.
Sam might have been able to save Dean.
But just as sudden as it had occurred the look passed. Dean looked up and smiled at the waitress as she set their coffee down. “Can we get the check too sweetie?” She smiled back and set the bill down. “Whenever you're ready.” she said smiling back.
“Dean, you know if you want to...” Sam began to say but Dean slammed his hand down on the table, making the coffee jump and spill out violently. Sam jerked back as he watched Dean slowly compose himself.
“I want to drink my coffee, pay my bill and then take you to Wally Mart to grab some socks.” he said in the most emotionless voice Sam had ever head his brother use. “That Sam, is what I want. Nothing more, nothing less. So drink your fucking coffee and try to figure out what kind of socks you want.” He looked up, his eyes burning with barely concealed anger. “Got it?”
Sam stared for a hard second as he felt Dean spiral away from him, as if there was an earthquake that had cracked the floor beneath them and each one of them was on separate sides. Sam could imagine his brother falling away from, and there was nothing he could do about it. Instead he just nodded as Dean began to open packets of sugar and dumped them into his cofee.
“Good.” Dean said, not looking up again.
It was the last time they had talked about it.
The doors opened and Dean looked up as people began pouring out of the building. He turned the car off as he began to unbuckle his seatbelt.
Sam was the tenth one out the door, there was a pretty girl next to him as they seemed lost in conversation. They both laughed and began to run towards another building, Dean saw Sam grab her hand as they raced the rain.
Dean watched them disappear into the campus, it was almost five minutes before he moved again.
With deliberate moves he looked away, took the wrapped present off his lap and tossed it in the backseat. “Happy birthday Sam.” he said to himself as he started the Impala. He waited for the people to get out of the way before he drove away.
He swore to himself he would never come back here again.
He wasn't sure why it was raining like this in May but Dean was pretty sure it was a sign he wasn't supposed to be here. Dean hadn't talked to him since he got on the bus last fall and walked out of his life and that had been on purpose. Sam was a big boy and he had made his choice all by himself. He hadn't told John or Dean about his scholarship until after he had accepted it. Dad had been furious, screaming and yelling while he foamed at the mouth yelling at Sam. If you walk out the door don't bother coming back were the words that had been uttered and were a death knell on the Winchester family as a whole. Dean knew they had never been a family as it was defined by Webster or Arnold from Different Strokes or whatever short, black kid that defined words to people, but it had been a family to him and now it was gone.
This rain wasn't letting up.
Dean shifted in the driver's seat as he tried to figure out what he was going to do. Sam's class was going to let out in about ten minutes and it was time to shit or get off the pot. He had always heard California was supposed to be sunny all the time but in the last two days he had been wandering around Palo Alto it had been miserable boarding on catastrophic. He was expecting to see someone making a boat while everyone else lined up animals two by two just in case.
He was stalling.
Sam had stormed out of the motel room, grabbing his jacket and backpack in one hand as he slammed the door behind him. Dean had sat in the corner at the table in silence while they had fought. Normally he was the peace keeper in the family, part diplomat, part human shield when the two of them went at it. Dean had literally pulled Sam out of the room against his will to stop a fight from getting as bad as the one they just had but this time he had done nothing. John stood there and fumed, his nostrils flaring with anger as he glared at the door for a few minutes. If his anger was heat the door would have been a pile of ashes by now. It wasn't until Dean sighed that John even remembered he was still in the room.
“You going after him?” he asked Dean angrily.
Dean shrugged not looking up at his father. “Why? He made up his mind.”
John cursed under his breath as he walked over to the fridge and puled out a beer. “Well go unmake it.” he ordered. “Because he isn't going.”
Dean looked up at stared at his father with the most patient face he could muster. “You know he is right?” John looked like he was going to start yelling again but Dean cut him off. “I mean if you want to stomp around and snarl that's fine, but it's just us and we both know Sam is going to do whatever Sam wants to do. He always has and he always will. I can't make him do a damn thing so if you need to shout go for it. But I just want to get the truth out of the way upfront so we know what's real and what's fantasy.”
Dean watched John blink a couple times as he absorbed everything his son had just uttered. It was like watching someone go through the stages of death.
Denial. “That's bullshit Dean! He can't just walk out on us!!”
Anger. “God damnit! What the fuck is wrong with that boy?”
Bargaining. “You think if I promise to try and cut back on jobs he would reconsider?”
Depression. “Oh Jesus Dean...he can't be out there by himself! You don't know...”
And finally acceptance. With a heavy sigh he sat back in his chair. “Go find him and see if he's ok.” Dean got up, grabbing the keys off the table. “And Dean..” John said, stopping his son in mid step. “Make sure he has everything he needs ok?”
“Sure dad.” Dean said checking the time before he walked out the door. It was half past nine now, there wasn't a chance in Hell Dean was going to step foot back in this room before midnight. That gave John Winchester almost three hours to get tipsy, buzzed, drunk and shit faced before passing out, saving Dean the emotional fallout that was going to come with a proclamation like this.
“Nice car!”
Dean jerked way from the window as the strange girl smiled and waved at him before running off into the rain. He ran his hands through his hair as he tried not to berate himself too much for letting a civilian get so close without him even noticing. If that had been a thing...
Five minutes before the class got out.
Dean had found him at the diner down the street. He saw Sam in the window looking over the menu as the waitress waited for him to order and he broke into a grin. Sam was sweating it because he probably had maybe forty bucks on him and since he had just made his grand exit he wasn't sure if he was ever going back. Which would mean that forty bucks was all the money he had in the world. So as Dean walked in and sat across from him he was pretty sure Sam was about to order some soap and a glass of water and hope the waitress was going to bring crackers as well.
“Two bacon greasers and double cheese.” Dean said grabbing the menu out of Sam's hands. “Chocolate shake for me diet coke with Midol for my friend.” He gave the girl a grin as she took the menu and left shaking her head. “Oh I'm sorry.” Dean said to Sam. “Were you going to get something too?”
Sam's face grew impassive as he shifted in the booth. “Forget it Dean, I'm going to college.”
Dean shrugged as he looked around the diner. “Then go, I'm just here to eat.”
“I mean it.” Sam repeated, his voice not sounding so sure.
Dean looked back at his brother. “So do I. I'm hungry.”
The waitress put their drinks down and told them their food would be out in a few. Dean pulled the glass closer to him. “Oh baby where have you been all my life?”
Sam shook his head. “Only you could make drinking a milkshake pervy.”
Dean took a long drag of the shake, his face practically glowing in pleasure. “It's my lips. Seriously they make anything sexual.”
Sam sighed as he forced himself to look away as Dean gave him a smirk.
They sat in silence for a few minutes waiting for their food and not having the conversation. It was a pretty common conversation for the two of them and neither one was ready to repeat it again right now.
“How can you do this to him?”
“Do what Dean? Live my life?”
“He's sacrificed everything for us Sam, we owe him!”
“When do we get a life Dean? When is our turn?”
“There are guys who would kill for our life! No school, shoot things, free money!”
“It's not a life Dean!”
“It's a hell of a life Sam!”
“NOT FOR ME!!”
They just skipped that part and just went straight for the silent part.
The waitress put their plates down and asked if they needed something else. Dean nodded as he began to pound some ketchup out on his plate. “I am going to need two slices of pie, apple if you have it.” She nodded and began to turn away when Dean asked Sam. “Did you want dessert?” She laughed for a second before it began to dawn on her Dean wasn't joking.
“Can I get a sundae?” Sam asked sheepishly. “Caramel sauce?” The waitress gave both of them a long stare before she nodded and walked away mumbling.
They both devoured the burgers and fries without a word between them. They had spent most of their lives in the middle of some argument or fight and they had both learned quickly that there was no argument that couldn't wait for a meal to get back to. After about ten minutes she came to check on them and was mildly shocked to find both plates completely clean. “I'll...get your desserts.” she said clearing the table.
“You're going to need more socks.” Dean said after she had left.
It took Sam about thirty seconds to actually understood what Dean had said. “Huh?”
“You only have like three good pairs of socks and trust me, that's fine on Monday but by Friday you smell like a wet werewolf that has been dead a few days.” Dean commented looking over at the waitress serve his pie.
“I have more than three pairs of socks.” Sam shot back.
Dean nodded without looking back at him. “Yeah but you only have three pairs that actually match and don't have a hole bigger than my fist in them. You do not want to be the kid who has shitty socks trust me. People talk.”
Sam stared at Dean for almost a minute before he spoke. “You're not going to try to talk me out of it?”
Dean glanced over at him shaking his head. “Why bother? You have your mind made up and I just don't have the energy to tilt at that windmill.”
He could see Sam make a shocked reaction before saying. “Wow, I didn't think you'd be ok with this.”
Dean's stare became hard as his eyes seem to darken. “I am not the least bit ok with this, I just said I am not into the mood to argue with you about it.” When the waitress brought their desserts to the table the smile was back in place and his eyes seemed to almost twinkle as he winked ad thanked her but Sam could still see the real Dean lurking right below the surface.
When she left Dean rubbed his hands together as he grabbed his fork. “You know that burger meant nothing right sweetheart? I could never stray from you.”
Sam rolled his eyes as Dean began to devour his pie.
“If you want to talk about it...” Sam began but Dean held a hand up, one finger out to shush him.
“If you want to just take off and ditch me that's fine Sam. But do NOT screw up my pie trying to make yourself feel better about it.” He sounded like he was joking, his tone almost jovial but Sam knew better as he closed his mouth and began to take a small bite of his sundae.
They lapsed into silence again as they finished their food. When Dean was done he slid the plates away from him and took a deep satisfied breath as he leaned back in the booth. “So much better.”
“Is that what you think?” Sam asked after a few seconds.
“That the pie was good?” Dean asked raising an eyebrow. “Defiantly.”
“Dean I'm taking about...” he began but Dean talked over him.
“I know what you meant Sam and yeah I did.”
They lapsed into silence again as the waitress came back and cleared their dishes. “Coffee?” she asked.
“Please.” Dean said looking over at Sam who nodded. “Make it two.”
As soon as she was out of earshot Sam leaned in towards Dean. “I am not ditching you Dean.”
“Aren't you?” Dean responded casually. “What would you call it?”
“Having a life.” Sam said sounding sad.
“Well nice to know you didn't have a life with me.” Dean said leaning back into the booth, still not looking across the table.
“That's not what I meant.” Sam argued.
“Why didn't you ask me Sam?” Dean asked locking eyes with Sam. “Why didn't you even tell me about it?” Sam said nothing. “Because it didn't matter what I thought right? I have absolutely no bearing in your life whatsoever and that is the way you want it.” Dean's voice still wasn't harsh or angry which seemed to make it even worse to Sam for some reason. He talked casually and conversationally as if the topic was no more important than the weather or a sport's score. “Did you even think about how it would make me feel? You made sure I would have no time to think about it at all.”
Sam jerked back a little in surprise. “Think about it? Think about what Dean? What is there to think about? I want to go to college, I want to go to Stanford and dad doesn't want me to go. So what is there to think about?” he laughed nervously. “I mean what were you going to do? Come with me?”
Sam happened to look up at that very instant and saw the look that flashed across Dean's face for half a second. A second later and he would have missed it, the conversation would have been over and Sam would have been none the wiser. But as it was he had seen it and Sam felt the booth seem to double in size as he felt himself shrink inside.
Dean might have come along.
The thought had never passed Sam's mind that his brother would want to give up his life as a hunter for anything much less him. The idea of him and Dean sharing an apartment off campus, with his scholarship money and Dean getting a job as a mechanic they could actually find a new way of living. He could have shown Dean there was another way of surviving outside of the backseat and motels...maybe he could show his brother what he had been trying to explain to him the whole time. That their life was screwed up and that there was something very appealing in the normalcy of an average life.
Sam might have been able to save Dean.
But just as sudden as it had occurred the look passed. Dean looked up and smiled at the waitress as she set their coffee down. “Can we get the check too sweetie?” She smiled back and set the bill down. “Whenever you're ready.” she said smiling back.
“Dean, you know if you want to...” Sam began to say but Dean slammed his hand down on the table, making the coffee jump and spill out violently. Sam jerked back as he watched Dean slowly compose himself.
“I want to drink my coffee, pay my bill and then take you to Wally Mart to grab some socks.” he said in the most emotionless voice Sam had ever head his brother use. “That Sam, is what I want. Nothing more, nothing less. So drink your fucking coffee and try to figure out what kind of socks you want.” He looked up, his eyes burning with barely concealed anger. “Got it?”
Sam stared for a hard second as he felt Dean spiral away from him, as if there was an earthquake that had cracked the floor beneath them and each one of them was on separate sides. Sam could imagine his brother falling away from, and there was nothing he could do about it. Instead he just nodded as Dean began to open packets of sugar and dumped them into his cofee.
“Good.” Dean said, not looking up again.
It was the last time they had talked about it.
The doors opened and Dean looked up as people began pouring out of the building. He turned the car off as he began to unbuckle his seatbelt.
Sam was the tenth one out the door, there was a pretty girl next to him as they seemed lost in conversation. They both laughed and began to run towards another building, Dean saw Sam grab her hand as they raced the rain.
Dean watched them disappear into the campus, it was almost five minutes before he moved again.
With deliberate moves he looked away, took the wrapped present off his lap and tossed it in the backseat. “Happy birthday Sam.” he said to himself as he started the Impala. He waited for the people to get out of the way before he drove away.
He swore to himself he would never come back here again.