(no subject)
Ah, yes. Alicia is home. She came home on Friday before Christmas weekend. As usual, the first day we got along. But now, I want to rip her face off. She's a complete asshole, and there is no adjusting for it. I can't even attempt to change my schedule to avoid her - she's everywhere. She's like the fuckin' asian bird flu.
What is better is that she's going to be coming home in May. She's going to have her associates degree, and has decided that she can't afford to go to school anymore. My mom says that it's not going to happen, but honestly there is no godly way that she can say no to Alicia.
I just... hate her attitude. Everything is a battle. Every word out of her mouth is condescending. She doesn't know how to give encouragement. She doesn't understand what it means to be supportive. She is an awful, horrible person. If Alicia and I were to go separate ways, I'd miss very little about her. Very little. She will never tell me that she loves me unless I provoke her in some kind of hysterical breakdown that I have about how cruel she is. She feels that being mean to people is "honest". She doesn't think twice about being nasty, and has no regret. My mother insists that my sister regrets some of the decisions she's made in the past, but I am sure that she is a psychotic sociopath. I mean, when she was four she killed kittens. That's not normal, by any stretch of the imagination.
Christmas Eve was fine. No one got retarded drunk. I stayed in my cousin's room most of the time, avoiding everyone. When my mom asked why I wasn't present for the festivities, I made up some bullshit excuse about not feeling well. I really didn't have much of an excuse - I just didn't feel like being there. I know that I've been off my meds for a while now, but I've been so fucking busy. That is probably the reason I get these awful boughts of anger. Like, awful screaming, punching rages. I used to get them when I was younger - and I'd never remember what I said during them. I'd go off, freaking out about stuff. Usually little stuff. But I've no paitence. And it will take two weeks until I do have patience. It's better to just hide out during that time than to potentially upset someone.
I can't wait until Alicia leaves. I wish it was me leaving. I wish I was the one getting on the plane and flying down south.
A week or so back, I had flipped out on my mom. I finally lost my patience and told her what I thought of Alicia and the entire situation surrounding my family. I called Alicia selfish, and awful. I told mom that I couldn't stand her. My mom said I had to tell her - but when? When she comes home for the holidays? Oh, won't I be the happy asshole if I do that. You see, the difference between Alicia and I is that I give a shit about how people feel, even those I dislike. There was a time when I wanted nothing more than to have a healthy relationship with Alicia - but she's about as worthy of that as my father. No, wait. My father has been trying a lot harder than Alicia so fuck her.
I remember when I lived with Bess, crying to Alicia about how I didn't understand her; How two children from the same life could be so different. I told her all I wanted was her love, and affection. I see her laugh at everything her friends say, but me? I'm an idiot. She doesn't think I'm amusing, at all. Other people find me witty and shit, but Alicia? It just doesn't matter. She makes me so EMO, I want to rip her face off.
I come from a family that doesn't hug me. A crazy mother who dwells on everything I've done wrong in my life and forgets what day it is. A sister that is a sociopathic slut from hell. A father that has been absent through anything that he should have been present for, and present for shit that didn't matter. The last person that I remember snuggling with me, and giving me any sort of real affection was my grandmother - and she died when I was 12 years old. I've tried to overcome my past - but some things, I just can't. And when Alicia is home, it's a huge bleeding ulcer of a reminder of my life.