The Pumpkin Pie Saga
This is an image heavy post, so I've included it behind a cut for you sensitive viewers.
Just to warn you, the following post contains graphic depictions of very real acts of violence against a young pumpkin. If you are weak of constitution (and fail your Fort throw), or prone to conditions of the heart, you may wish to click away.
Click any picture for more bigger.
When creating a masterpiece, the ingredients are the most important thing of all. For this experiment, I made sure to select only the youngest, freshest victim, and got to it within the shortest amount of time I was able.
ohgod why me?
My vorpal blade went snicker snack and with her hollowed out noggin I went galumphing back.
when does the hurting stop?
Now, see, it's possible, and even advisable for people to take all these wonderful little packets of protein, and clean them. From there, you can add things like salt, or butter and cinnamon and sugar, and roast them at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes or so, and you have a tiny little snack food for guests or friends.
blort
Yeah I fucking hate 'em so I tossed 'em.
From there, it puts the lotion on its sk pumpkin in the pot of boiling water, and lets it sit for about 30-45 minutes so it gets nice and soft.
bubble, bubble, toil and trouble!
I have to confess, my mom skinned the beast because my little empress decided that now would be a good time to scream at the top of her lungs about her lack of proper care.
though, shortly after taking this picture I danced around in a pumpkin skin suit
The next step was to add the rest of the ingredients. Hand picked by me based on a cautious weighing and measuring between what was on sale and what was not on sale, these are only the freshest of whatever was on sale that week and at the front of the shelf.
that white stuff ain't whipped cream or milk, its a seeecret
From there, we dump it all into the maw of the most horrific beast to ever grace a kitchen counter. The Black & Decker CRUSHMASTER! The actual blending was too terrible to film, so you get this shot taken from the Black and Decker website.
you shall all kneel before the Crushmaster
We put that mess in the fridge to keep cool, and then we can begin work on the exoskeleton. Most people use traditional dough, but my pie is too awesome to be confined to such banality. After much debate, the decision was made to go with a high impact "Cinnamon and Sugar Graham Cracker" chassis for maximum support and shock absorption. It's important to note that these graham crackers are pre-covered in sugar and cinnamon, it effects the results.
We who are about to die salute you
Proper application of a rolling pin and...
'nuff said
We combine the pwnt crackers with about 6 tablespoons of melted pure, all natural butter, and half a cup of sugar (remember that too.). From there we can pour the molten substance into the molding shell, or "Pan for Pies", and use a metal fork to carve and shape it's destiny as a virgin vessel for our pumpkin mixture.
FORK you, ha ha! ugh...
Once we've shaped the crust, we bake it at 350 degrees for about ten minutes. This is called pre-baking. Pre-baking is one of the dumbest terms known to man. It's not pre-fucking-baking, its BAKING. Pre-baking is everything you do up UNTIL you actually put the thing in the oven. Once you do that, its actually baking, geeze. Oh also all that sugar melted at this point and caramelized the crust.
Once the crust is done, and cooled, we can now complete the unholy fusion of hard stuff and goop. We slowly pour goop into the chassis (I hope you're writing these terms down, there will be a test.), making sure not to use too much. It doesn't rise like a cookie or a muffin due to a lack of yeast, but it will boil at some point, and we can't have any precious goop runoff,for fear of harming the little people that stoke the fires to keep my oven hot.
ia, ia, pumkinpie ftaghn!
And finally, after about an hour and fifteen minutes (which should have only been an hour but somebody decided that now would be an excellent time to poop all over herself.) we have the finished result. MAZEL TOV! A beautiful baby pie!
hail the victorious dead!
Now, the choice to circumcise is largely driven by cultural preference. Doctors say most parents choose circumcision because they want their sons to look like their fathers, or because they are worried that their sons might look different than other boys (Marcotty, 2006).
But cut we did, and the verdict? Babies are delicious, and go excellently with vanilla bean ice cream. The caramelized crust, completely unintentional, had a bizarre side effect of being completely awesome and I'm sure that somewhere an angel got its wings, men were healed and choirs sang out with every bite that was taken.
Hope you enjoyed, and let this be a warning to you. Never be a fucking pumpkin!
mikerankin: What did I miss?
Phobos: alien invasion
mikerankin: damn
Phobos: they almost took over too
mikerankin: Did you beat them with music?
Phobos: turns out they had a vital weakness to a plentiful resource on our planet, bullets.
Just to warn you, the following post contains graphic depictions of very real acts of violence against a young pumpkin. If you are weak of constitution (and fail your Fort throw), or prone to conditions of the heart, you may wish to click away.
Click any picture for more bigger.
When creating a masterpiece, the ingredients are the most important thing of all. For this experiment, I made sure to select only the youngest, freshest victim, and got to it within the shortest amount of time I was able.
ohgod why me?
My vorpal blade went snicker snack and with her hollowed out noggin I went galumphing back.
when does the hurting stop?
Now, see, it's possible, and even advisable for people to take all these wonderful little packets of protein, and clean them. From there, you can add things like salt, or butter and cinnamon and sugar, and roast them at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes or so, and you have a tiny little snack food for guests or friends.
blort
Yeah I fucking hate 'em so I tossed 'em.
From there, it puts the lotion on its sk pumpkin in the pot of boiling water, and lets it sit for about 30-45 minutes so it gets nice and soft.
bubble, bubble, toil and trouble!
I have to confess, my mom skinned the beast because my little empress decided that now would be a good time to scream at the top of her lungs about her lack of proper care.
though, shortly after taking this picture I danced around in a pumpkin skin suit
The next step was to add the rest of the ingredients. Hand picked by me based on a cautious weighing and measuring between what was on sale and what was not on sale, these are only the freshest of whatever was on sale that week and at the front of the shelf.
that white stuff ain't whipped cream or milk, its a seeecret
From there, we dump it all into the maw of the most horrific beast to ever grace a kitchen counter. The Black & Decker CRUSHMASTER! The actual blending was too terrible to film, so you get this shot taken from the Black and Decker website.
you shall all kneel before the Crushmaster
We put that mess in the fridge to keep cool, and then we can begin work on the exoskeleton. Most people use traditional dough, but my pie is too awesome to be confined to such banality. After much debate, the decision was made to go with a high impact "Cinnamon and Sugar Graham Cracker" chassis for maximum support and shock absorption. It's important to note that these graham crackers are pre-covered in sugar and cinnamon, it effects the results.
We who are about to die salute you
Proper application of a rolling pin and...
'nuff said
We combine the pwnt crackers with about 6 tablespoons of melted pure, all natural butter, and half a cup of sugar (remember that too.). From there we can pour the molten substance into the molding shell, or "Pan for Pies", and use a metal fork to carve and shape it's destiny as a virgin vessel for our pumpkin mixture.
FORK you, ha ha! ugh...
Once we've shaped the crust, we bake it at 350 degrees for about ten minutes. This is called pre-baking. Pre-baking is one of the dumbest terms known to man. It's not pre-fucking-baking, its BAKING. Pre-baking is everything you do up UNTIL you actually put the thing in the oven. Once you do that, its actually baking, geeze. Oh also all that sugar melted at this point and caramelized the crust.
Once the crust is done, and cooled, we can now complete the unholy fusion of hard stuff and goop. We slowly pour goop into the chassis (I hope you're writing these terms down, there will be a test.), making sure not to use too much. It doesn't rise like a cookie or a muffin due to a lack of yeast, but it will boil at some point, and we can't have any precious goop runoff,for fear of harming the little people that stoke the fires to keep my oven hot.
ia, ia, pumkinpie ftaghn!
And finally, after about an hour and fifteen minutes (which should have only been an hour but somebody decided that now would be an excellent time to poop all over herself.) we have the finished result. MAZEL TOV! A beautiful baby pie!
hail the victorious dead!
Now, the choice to circumcise is largely driven by cultural preference. Doctors say most parents choose circumcision because they want their sons to look like their fathers, or because they are worried that their sons might look different than other boys (Marcotty, 2006).
But cut we did, and the verdict? Babies are delicious, and go excellently with vanilla bean ice cream. The caramelized crust, completely unintentional, had a bizarre side effect of being completely awesome and I'm sure that somewhere an angel got its wings, men were healed and choirs sang out with every bite that was taken.
Hope you enjoyed, and let this be a warning to you. Never be a fucking pumpkin!
mikerankin: What did I miss?
Phobos: alien invasion
mikerankin: damn
Phobos: they almost took over too
mikerankin: Did you beat them with music?
Phobos: turns out they had a vital weakness to a plentiful resource on our planet, bullets.