Diary-uh

[vaguelyweird]

I want to be honest with myself about myself. My private diary entries are so over wrought, over thought, and never the feeling that wants to burst out, that I feel over and over. Perhaps I can only express it without words. Maybe that is why I cry so much

Comments

[russiandude]

I used to keep a small private (paper) journal a while back because I thought it would be a good idea. I remembering finding it some years later and it was telling just how "closed" it was. I was not really willing to put the raw stuff in there and I when I ever try to write anything private to myself, I am still too controlling to really let it out as it is. There is something at the back of my mind that worries about whether what I am writing sounds dumb. Sometimes I distract myself from writing the truth by wondering if in 100 years someone discovers my private writings, this is what I want them to find. Certainly there is something dangerous about putting private things down into writing, and more so on the internet (the danger of being discovered that is). Or at least that excuse seems to worry me enough to prevent me from doing it very often.

I don't know about what you should do, but let me know if you figure it out.

[gumimeg]

you know, i think as long as we know that either we or someone else will read it, i don't know if you can be totally honest (not talking about you only - people in general :) ). People want to look back and think well of themselves and want others to think the same thoughts.

I spell check and scrutinize my grammar so people won't think i'm a total idiot. I don't write the crazy stuff (like my dream last night - Francis Schaeffer was in it, but moderate sexual themes too...) because i don't want to freak people out.

If only i knew people (including myself) would read it, maybe then i'd be more real? Then again, I wouldn't be able to look back...

[vaguelyweird]

so maybe if i just said things out loud, to no one, unrecorded, i could say what i feel? or if i typed words into nowhere... hmm i think the crucial thing (for me) is the lack of articulation -- to the point where i could express myself better doing nothing directly relevant.

[mukuro_]

Back in my super stressed out high school days, I started taking long showers. I was a hard-core diary writer, but I would read back on older diary entries and just feel embarrassed by what I had written. I also tried as best as I could to talk to my high school friends about all the stuff I was feeling, but it never felt entirely satisfying. The thing that always tended to relax me a bit was taking my sweet time in the shower or bath. I was an environmentalist back then already, but I temporarily indulged in a little bit of water wastage to just be alone with my thoughts. I would hop into the shower and just let my mind wander. I tried not to judge myself for whatever thoughts went through my head or judge my own body (which happened a lot during high school) or judge myself for wasting water (which still happens sometimes). If I wanted to cry, the running water would hide the sound and wash the tears. If I wanted to talk to myself or rehearse something important I wanted to say, I would practice saying those words aloud.

from Stu: emotionally constipated?

[anonymous]

My heart resonates and aches at the same time. I often feel this groaning within that I can't put words to. Even now, I don't feel completely free and clear to flow with words to express my response. But still, I feel the desire to respond