Fic: Nuts (House/Wilson friendship, R)
Title: Nuts
Author: valerie_z
Rating: R for language
Pairing: House/Wilson friendship
Disclaimer: This is pretend.
House barged into Wilson's office to find Wilson sitting at his desk with his head in his hands.
"Bad day, honey?" House asked. He walked over to the couch and sat down. "I have just the thing. New strip club. They serve ribs."
Wilson looked up. His eyes were tired. "Rain check."
House frowned. "I don't think you heard me. Ribs. Boobies. Let's go."
Wilson rubbed his hand over his face. "I just...I'm not in the mood." He flipped a page in the chart in front of him.
House lunged forward and snatched the chart away. William Brown, 10 years old, advanced leukemia. He rolled his eyes. "Did it ever occur to you that, if you're going to get weepy over every dying kid, oncology might not be the best specialty?" He dropped the file back on the desk and returned to the couch. "How about massage therapy instead? Fewer fatalities. I'll even let you practice on me."
"If your shoulder hurts, go to PT," Wilson said without looking up.
"My shoulder doesn't hurt," House snapped. "My eyes hurt. Because it's been days since they've seen boobies. Come with me to the strip club."
"Go alone."
"Yeah, because a solitary aging crippled guy at a strip club just screams 'winner'. I need your dashing good looks to attract the girls." He paused. "I also need your money."
Wilson sighed and looked up from the file. "It's not that Billy's dying. I know kids die from cancer. But he's just so miserable. He was raised by his great aunt, who's not well enough to visit, so he's all alone. He doesn't participate in any of the activities in the pediatric ward. He just sleeps and watches TV. I've never even seen him smile." Wilson closed Billy's file and placed it on the pile next to him. "I'm not going out tonight, House."
"Fine." House hoisted himself up off the couch. "But I don't see why you're so worked up over someone who's just moody and antisocial."
"Yes, I have no idea why I'd be drawn to such a person," Wilson said ironically.
"Very funny," House replied as he headed to the door. "But the next time you see your sad dying kid, ask him if his mother was a hooker named Tiffany."
***
The next morning on his rounds, Wilson was headed to Billy Brown's room when he heard the unusual sound of children talking and...was that gunshots?
He found Billy kneeling on his bed with another young cancer patient named Sarah next to him. They were holding Xbox controllers and playing Halo on the television mounted on the wall. Wilson watched in surprise as Billy laughed and said, "I just shot another alien!"
"Cool," Sarah said. "His blood went like, everywhere."
Wilson approached the bed. "Hi, Sarah. Billy, you look well. Did your great aunt bring you that game?"
"No," Billy said as he continued playing. "Dr. House did."
Wilson's eyes widened. "Dr. House?" He scanned the room to see if there was anything damaged or missing, but other than a stack of comic books on the nightstand, it looked normal. "Did Dr. House do anything else? Did he take any of your blood or...or touch your nurse?"
Billy paused the game and turned to face Wilson. "He just gave me the Xbox and taught me some riddles. Want to hear one?"
Wilson took a seat next to the bed. "Uh...sure."
"What do you call a nut on a wall?" Billy asked.
"A walnut?" Wilson replied.
"Right!" Billy said with a big smile. "And what do you call a nut on a chest?"
"A chestnut."
"And what do you call nuts on your chin?"
There was a split second when Wilson realized this wasn't going to end well.
Billy leaned forward and shouted, "Nothin', 'cause my dick's in your mouth!" Billy rolled backwards on the bed in hysterical laughter, and Sarah soon joined him.
Wilson stood up. "That's not a very nice joke. You probably shouldn't repeat that in front of...." He trailed off as he realized that Billy and Sarah were laughing too much to even hear him. He gave Billy's chart a cursory glance and then left the room.
***
In the Diagnostics conference room, House was erasing his whiteboard and wrapping up a speech to his employees. "So I think this case has taught us a valuable lesson about what you can catch when you have sex with the wrong people. Which reminds me of a poem. There once was a man named Dave/who kept a dead whore in a cave/she had only one tit/and smelled worse than shit/but think of the money Dave saved."
All four of the fellows groaned audibly.
"In other words, if you'd searched her home better, we could've solved this case yesterday. And that's why you're all idiots," he concluded. He dropped the eraser on the floor and turned around. "Any questions?"
Kutner raised his hand. "Why are you mean?"
"I meant about the patient," House replied.
The door opened and Wilson walked in swiftly, his mouth pulled into a tight line. "Did you teach my 10 year-old terminal cancer patient a joke about teabagging?" he shouted.
"I had to," House said somberly. "He's my son."
"What?" Thirteen said.
Wilson's mouth fell open. "He is?"
House rolled his eyes. "No, you idiot. Do you really think I have unprotected sex with hookers and make illegitimate cancer babies?"
"I honestly wouldn't be surprised," Foreman muttered.
"You wouldn't go to a strip club with me until little Billy Tumor laughed," House explained. "Now he's laughing. So let's go to the strip club already."
"You..." Wilson said. "You brought happiness into the life of a terminally ill little boy...for strippers?"
"And ribs," House pointed out.
Wilson sighed. "Why am I surprised?" he said softly.
House reached out to pat him on the shoulder comfortingly. "Because you're an idiot." He pointed back toward the conference table. "You four, test our patient and make sure the infection's cleared before you discharge her."
Kutner, Thirteen, Foreman, and Taub all stood up and exited the room.
"And you," House said, whirling around to face Wilson. "Hit the lobby ATM and then get singles from the cafeteria."
"I'll meet you at my car at five," Wilson said.
***
The next morning, House walked into Billy Brown's room, whistling a tune he'd heard at the strip club the night before. Billy was sitting in his bed and reading a comic book.
"Hi, Dr. House," Billy said when he spotted him.
House sat in a chair next to the bed. "Hey, kid. Ready to get your ass kicked in one-on-one mode?"
Billy grinned. "I've been practicing. I'm gonna blow your head off with a rocket."
House raised an eyebrow. "Bring it, bitch."
Billy gathered the controllers, handed one to House, and waited as the system booted up.
House leaned back in the chair and popped a Vicodin. "So Billy, you want to learn a poem?"
Author: valerie_z
Rating: R for language
Pairing: House/Wilson friendship
Disclaimer: This is pretend.
House barged into Wilson's office to find Wilson sitting at his desk with his head in his hands.
"Bad day, honey?" House asked. He walked over to the couch and sat down. "I have just the thing. New strip club. They serve ribs."
Wilson looked up. His eyes were tired. "Rain check."
House frowned. "I don't think you heard me. Ribs. Boobies. Let's go."
Wilson rubbed his hand over his face. "I just...I'm not in the mood." He flipped a page in the chart in front of him.
House lunged forward and snatched the chart away. William Brown, 10 years old, advanced leukemia. He rolled his eyes. "Did it ever occur to you that, if you're going to get weepy over every dying kid, oncology might not be the best specialty?" He dropped the file back on the desk and returned to the couch. "How about massage therapy instead? Fewer fatalities. I'll even let you practice on me."
"If your shoulder hurts, go to PT," Wilson said without looking up.
"My shoulder doesn't hurt," House snapped. "My eyes hurt. Because it's been days since they've seen boobies. Come with me to the strip club."
"Go alone."
"Yeah, because a solitary aging crippled guy at a strip club just screams 'winner'. I need your dashing good looks to attract the girls." He paused. "I also need your money."
Wilson sighed and looked up from the file. "It's not that Billy's dying. I know kids die from cancer. But he's just so miserable. He was raised by his great aunt, who's not well enough to visit, so he's all alone. He doesn't participate in any of the activities in the pediatric ward. He just sleeps and watches TV. I've never even seen him smile." Wilson closed Billy's file and placed it on the pile next to him. "I'm not going out tonight, House."
"Fine." House hoisted himself up off the couch. "But I don't see why you're so worked up over someone who's just moody and antisocial."
"Yes, I have no idea why I'd be drawn to such a person," Wilson said ironically.
"Very funny," House replied as he headed to the door. "But the next time you see your sad dying kid, ask him if his mother was a hooker named Tiffany."
***
The next morning on his rounds, Wilson was headed to Billy Brown's room when he heard the unusual sound of children talking and...was that gunshots?
He found Billy kneeling on his bed with another young cancer patient named Sarah next to him. They were holding Xbox controllers and playing Halo on the television mounted on the wall. Wilson watched in surprise as Billy laughed and said, "I just shot another alien!"
"Cool," Sarah said. "His blood went like, everywhere."
Wilson approached the bed. "Hi, Sarah. Billy, you look well. Did your great aunt bring you that game?"
"No," Billy said as he continued playing. "Dr. House did."
Wilson's eyes widened. "Dr. House?" He scanned the room to see if there was anything damaged or missing, but other than a stack of comic books on the nightstand, it looked normal. "Did Dr. House do anything else? Did he take any of your blood or...or touch your nurse?"
Billy paused the game and turned to face Wilson. "He just gave me the Xbox and taught me some riddles. Want to hear one?"
Wilson took a seat next to the bed. "Uh...sure."
"What do you call a nut on a wall?" Billy asked.
"A walnut?" Wilson replied.
"Right!" Billy said with a big smile. "And what do you call a nut on a chest?"
"A chestnut."
"And what do you call nuts on your chin?"
There was a split second when Wilson realized this wasn't going to end well.
Billy leaned forward and shouted, "Nothin', 'cause my dick's in your mouth!" Billy rolled backwards on the bed in hysterical laughter, and Sarah soon joined him.
Wilson stood up. "That's not a very nice joke. You probably shouldn't repeat that in front of...." He trailed off as he realized that Billy and Sarah were laughing too much to even hear him. He gave Billy's chart a cursory glance and then left the room.
***
In the Diagnostics conference room, House was erasing his whiteboard and wrapping up a speech to his employees. "So I think this case has taught us a valuable lesson about what you can catch when you have sex with the wrong people. Which reminds me of a poem. There once was a man named Dave/who kept a dead whore in a cave/she had only one tit/and smelled worse than shit/but think of the money Dave saved."
All four of the fellows groaned audibly.
"In other words, if you'd searched her home better, we could've solved this case yesterday. And that's why you're all idiots," he concluded. He dropped the eraser on the floor and turned around. "Any questions?"
Kutner raised his hand. "Why are you mean?"
"I meant about the patient," House replied.
The door opened and Wilson walked in swiftly, his mouth pulled into a tight line. "Did you teach my 10 year-old terminal cancer patient a joke about teabagging?" he shouted.
"I had to," House said somberly. "He's my son."
"What?" Thirteen said.
Wilson's mouth fell open. "He is?"
House rolled his eyes. "No, you idiot. Do you really think I have unprotected sex with hookers and make illegitimate cancer babies?"
"I honestly wouldn't be surprised," Foreman muttered.
"You wouldn't go to a strip club with me until little Billy Tumor laughed," House explained. "Now he's laughing. So let's go to the strip club already."
"You..." Wilson said. "You brought happiness into the life of a terminally ill little boy...for strippers?"
"And ribs," House pointed out.
Wilson sighed. "Why am I surprised?" he said softly.
House reached out to pat him on the shoulder comfortingly. "Because you're an idiot." He pointed back toward the conference table. "You four, test our patient and make sure the infection's cleared before you discharge her."
Kutner, Thirteen, Foreman, and Taub all stood up and exited the room.
"And you," House said, whirling around to face Wilson. "Hit the lobby ATM and then get singles from the cafeteria."
"I'll meet you at my car at five," Wilson said.
***
The next morning, House walked into Billy Brown's room, whistling a tune he'd heard at the strip club the night before. Billy was sitting in his bed and reading a comic book.
"Hi, Dr. House," Billy said when he spotted him.
House sat in a chair next to the bed. "Hey, kid. Ready to get your ass kicked in one-on-one mode?"
Billy grinned. "I've been practicing. I'm gonna blow your head off with a rocket."
House raised an eyebrow. "Bring it, bitch."
Billy gathered the controllers, handed one to House, and waited as the system booted up.
House leaned back in the chair and popped a Vicodin. "So Billy, you want to learn a poem?"