(no subject)
TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER = BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up
and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature
has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only
company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the
month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from
now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband
likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the
human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK
is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings
me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi
pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
"Have a Happy Period."
Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain
really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above
sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak
girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in
your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze
of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just
have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more
sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the
Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? - Or are you just
picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons