(no subject)
I wrote this fic a while ago, for the One Piece kink meme, and realized quite suddenly that it desperately needed to be posted to this community:
Title: Rubbed the wrong way
Fandom: One Piece
Pairing: Zoro/Sanji
Rating: NC-17
Prompt: Sanji tries to prove he is not a slut. He fails. Utterly.
Comments: A dirty, dirty slut.
Zoro buried his face in a bottle of ale as Sanji talked. Why was Sanji talking? He was the only one there, and the dumbass cook couldn't POSSIBLY believe that he was paying attention.
The clatter of the last dish being successfully put away harmonized with the clang of Zoro's third empty bottle as it joined the others on the table.
Shit, that prissy moron had been talking since dinner. Zoro couldn't IMAGINE a subject which required that much verbalization. Knowing the cook, he was either going off on his favorite topic (girls, or to be more specific, cleavage) and all Zoro was missing was a lot of squiggly goo ala Love Cook, or he was ranting, and every other word that came out of his mouth had been 'shit' or 'fuck' and the point he was trying to get across could have been outlined in a few words if you cut out his pansy assed embroidering.
Zoro tuned in for a moment as he reached for the fourth bottle he'd laid out, to see if his hypothosis was correct.
"- I'd had sex with LUFFY-"
Now that didn't fit.
"Oi, Love cook" Zoro almost didn't want to start this, but couldn't let that one stand without explanation "What EXACTLY are you talking about?"
Sanji froze and slowly straightened from his task of relabeling jam jars that contained WHO knows what.
"The same thing I've been talking about since dinner, dipshit." he said, in the barely restrained voice of one who might crush Zoro small enough to fit in one of those jars, and label it MORON in large red letters if what he suspected was true, and the swordsman hadn't heard a word he'd said.
"Sex with Luffy?" Zoro asked, his confusion deepening.
"WHAT THE- GAH- NO! WHY WOULD I- ARE YOU- GODDAMN FUCKING MARIMO!"
Zoro genuinely could not tell if the flush on his cheek was from embarrassment or anger. Why on earth would a swordsman need to know something like that? So it was with an eye- roll of infinite patience that he turned to the twitching cook, who'd moved closer, and now stood with his hands outstretched as if trying not to strangle his crew-mate, and said-
"Spit it out, target-brow"
"If you had social skills beyond those of a WATER-GOING PLANT" gritted Sanji, through grinding molars "you'd know that I was TALKING about the Shit- faced, Mother humping, broken dicked FUCKTARD that YOU exposed me to when I went to get you from the GOD DAMNED SHITTY HOLE IN THE WALL BAR!"
Zoro thought he could count that as a win for his 'swearing till his point got lost in expletives' theory.
"Coulda just said that" he yawned, as he again pulled his ale towards him and gripped the cork in his teeth.
"I'VE BEEN SAYING IT SINCE DINNER YOU SHITTY MARIMO!"
"Whatever" Zoro spat the cork at him.
He remembered that guy, now that the shitty ass cook mentioned it. Che, like that'd been his fault. He'd just sat there and drunk as the Sanji waltzed right in, with airs surrounding him that he would be waltzing right out the moment he'd retrieved his misplaced idiot.
That was when the barmaid tripped.
Sanji caught her with a swirl and flutter of hearts, in the traditional romantic, sweeping dip.
"Oh" gasped the barmaid, as Sanji leaned in, princely form to be envied.
Until, of course, with a sickening crack, the tray the girl had dropped came crashing down on his head, with an angry boyfriend on the other side. Sanji dropped the girl. This did not go over well.
Zoro turned on his stool, drink in hand, casually ordering one last round as the two men went off on each other.
Really, the 'FUCKTARD' as Sanji called him had to have it handed to him. He could duke it out verbally with the foul talking sailor, and give the guy a run for his money. And he either sensed exactly what buttons to push, or he was just naturally everything that pissed off the blond. Zoro couldn't help it. He took some mental notes. That one look the cook's face made was FUNNY.
But for one reason or another, Sanji had come to get him, so they had to get going. Zoro finished off his grog, tipped the bar, and went up and started hauling the wordy bastard away by the suit collar, the latter still hollering insults at the barmaid's boyfriend, and gushing apologies for the dick-faced slob to the barmaid.
They neared the door, a final blow flying from the fucktard's corner.
"YOU'RE A SLUT, SHIT EATER!" screamed the fucktard "A COCKSUCKING WHIMPERING SLUT AND I BET YOUR CAPTAIN THERE'S HAULING YOU OFF TO PROVE ME RIGHT! WHY ARE YOU CHASING WHAT'S CLEARLY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE WHEN YOU LOOK SO MUCH LIKE A GIRL YOURSELF I'D ONLY BE AFRAID IF MARISSA HERE WERE A LESBIAN! GO BACK TO WHAT YOU KNOW AND CRAVE YOU FUCKING COCK MONGREL, AND TELL THAT FAIRY CAPTAIN OF YOURS TO SHOVE YOU ONE UP THE ASS FROM ME! NOT THAT YOU WON'T BE BEGGING FOR IT!"
Later, as Zoro dragged a seething Sanji through the hole the fucktard had made when he went through the brick wall of the bar, and into the street, he wondered why Sanji hadn't just done that from the start.
He said nothing though, since he'd gotten an extra beer from the deal, and why look a gift horse in the mouth?
Zoro hadn't thought much about the event since it happened earlier that day but-
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, YOU CRAP SWORDSMAN!" the kick caught him upside the head, and alcohol sprayed across the table as the contents of Zoro's mouth emptied.
"Oi, that was good alchohol-"
"I'M NOT TALKING FOR MY OWN BENEFIT, SO PAY ATTENTION, DUMBASS, IF YOU THINK YOUR BRAIN CAN HANDLE IT!"
"Coulda fooled me," grumbled the swordsman petulantly.
"ANYWAYS" barked the blond, snatching the bottle from the alcoholic swordsman, and holding it to the side, to keep the idiots head in this solar-system. "I was addressing some of the untrue claims THAT MAN was making," It sounded like he had rehearsed this, "because I wanted to make it _perfectly_ clear to someone even of _your_ brain capacity that NOTHING he was shouting about had any basis in fact-"
Zoro frowned in confusion "But you are a slut."
Sanji's eyes bugged out of his head "I AM A LADIES MAN. There is a difference, you fucking dumbass. I do not" here Sanji shivered "have sex with MEN. I wasn't entirely focused on what he was saying at the time, and assumed he meant LUFFY when he was screaming about me- ... about the very, very, very _wrong_ acts I allegedly preformed with my captain. It has come to my attention that he was talking about YOU, however he managed to mistake such a dumbass for my captain... actually never mind, I get it. Either way, I wanted to make it clear that NOTHING that man was saying was true, I AM NOT A FUCKING FAIRY, YOU GOT THAT RETARD? ESPECIALLY NOT FOR YOUR PANSY ASS"
Sanji was breathing heavily, apparently, even in retrospect the thought insulted him.
"So all this talking you've done, since I sat down here, was trying to convince me you don't like guys?"
"YES, and you better believe it marimo- head, cause I'm not gonna stand for anyone who thinks otherwise to continue living on this ship, got it, idiot?"
Zoro just stared at him, then abruptly grabbed his booze back, and shook his head, rolling his eyes.
Sanji's visible eye narrowed "Is that supposed to mean something, shit-swordsman?"
The shit swordsman in question snorted "Like anyone's gonna be convinced if you talk their ear off, target brow."
The eye narrowed further, the target brow in question curling that much tighter "You saying you don't believe me, asshole?"
"You want me to believe you that badly? I'm saying talk doesn't mean much to me, pansy ass cook. So if you really can't live without proving this to me, I'm gonna have to see some sort of action."
Sanji's face turned that ambiguous red again, "How about I kick your face in, that enough action for you Marimo?"
Zoro shrugged, hunkering down with his grog once again, already checking out of the conversation. "Your call, shitty-cook."
Sanji was gnawing on his lip. This sorta blister in his perfect image was going to grate at him until it drove him crazy. And he just KNEW Zoro'd bring it up again, that's what Zoro existed for. Rubbing Sanji the wrong way.
Finally Sanji pushed his chair back with a clatter, drawing Zoro, yet again, from his happy alcohol time with a glare.
"What the fuck do you want me to do, Marimo, fuck a girl in front of you?"
Zoro tipped the bottle up, seeming to ignore the cook, until the last of the booze burned a pleasant path down his esophagus. Cook wanted a lesson in action? Fine, maybe it'd make him that much less annoying, god knows it pissed Zoro off when the idiot just bantered on and never DID anything until everyone (Zoro) was good and bored.
He stood up, abruptly enough to make the cook jump, setting his last bottle down with the three others with a clink.
Sanji eyed him warily.
"What're you-" again with the talking. The man was beyond help. But Zoro would do his best. This was Zoro, it was up in the air whether he knew how to do anything but his best.
With a sudden move, he'd shoved the cook against the stove, one hand on the small of his back, the other pressing into his abs, pulling at the shirt tucked there. His mouth brushed Sanji's ear, as the cook stared wide eyed over Zoro's shoulder, too shocked to move.
"Don't respond" whispered the Swordsman challengingly, and immediately it was understood that this was the test.
The cook snorted and tried to keep his blaze confidence in such close contact, intentional intrusion of his space.
"As if I'd-" Sanji broke off with a yelp.
The swordsman had bitten his earlobe roughly, almost drawing blood.
"Fuck-"
"No talking" growled the swordsman into the smarting ear.
A silent glare was all that followed. It was a start. Normally the cook would have been loath to follow the green haired dumbass's commands, but he understood that this was a parameter, not a petty demand. And he was gonna beat the fucker, show him just how ridiculous it was to assume that HE, Sanji, the gentleman co-
Oh! That felt good.
Zoro had bent to the nape of Sanji's neck, curling his own neck over the other's shoulder, and was nipping and teasing the scruff that he found there. Slowly, he moved upwards, curling up behind the ear he'd tortured earlier, all the while pulling Sanji's dress shirt from his slacks and hiking it up to expose and run his hands over the limber hips.
As Zoro's lips got closer and closer to more sensitive flesh on Sanji's neck, creeping towards his upper jaw, biting became interchangeable with kissing, and every pant the swordsman gave ghosted close and fleetingly across slickened skin.
Sanji tried hard to suppress a shiver that cut through him from his shaken core. Zoro noticed, and considered ribbing the cook for already starting to break, but decided against it, since the cook would probably take any comments as permission to talk himself. Instead, he licked around the shell of Sanji's ear, and blew softly on it, producing another involuntary shiver.
Sanji didn't know what was wrong with him. It must be that the breath was cold, cause there is no way ZORO could be affecting him. He concentrated on that. This was ZORO. Not a gorgeous lady, his idiot lazy crewmate, who he fought with almost constantly.
Yeah, that's right he hated him. Hated his control in times when any human would be EXPECTED to show emotion. Loved pissing him off, drawing reaction from that stoic face and body with petty comments, loved riling the otherwise unrufflable man until they danced and fought, giving and taking, in each other's space, never letting up for a second, never letting the other have an inch.
Sanji swallowed hard, and Zoro's hand inched toward the waistline of his black slacks.
That's right, he HATED him.
Now, Sanji was trying hard to focus on the lips on his ear, anything but that hand that would dance lower, and caress it's way up again, leaving whether it's destination would be the heat between Sanji's legs or whether it would remain where it was, stroking the tense abs, a subject of debate.
Oh god, Sanji almost wanted it to dip below, and feel him out, in tentative confined touches, until Zoro couldn't stand the lack of leverage anymore, and ripped down his slacks to claim him there, until Sanji couldn't do a thing to stop him, even if he wanted to, and could only hold on and curse the asshole as he tried desperately not to come.
But that hand just palmed his stomach, in rougher and rougher strokes.
The other held him across his back, pressing their chests together, reminding the self proclaimed ladies man constantly that this was no buxom female.
A sudden move and Zoro bit the soft skin between his ear and jaw, dropping his hand to paw at the cooks ass.
A moan caught in Sanji's throat and turned into a gasp, his arms clutching at the edge of the stove for dear life. It was such a _Zoro_ thing to do, to try to catch him off guard, the bastard always wanted to embarrass him.
He closed his eyes and gulped. It wasn't going to work on him. His libido might be powerful, but he had standards.
He would't get hard for a pathetic swordsman who can't even take his nakama's word for something. Had to make them _prove_ themselves. Someone that simple did not turn him on. He wasn't attracted to the straightforward way of taking on the world, so different from his own, so free of complications. So god damn truthful.
That didn't make him think of how he might not be completely honest with himself, or the fact that sex with such a person would strip away all of that, and leave him base and wanting.
And it wouldn't make him hard. It wasn't making him hard, the rolling of his ass and subsequently, hips into a masculine pair of thighs was not why his cock was filling.
Sanji, without ever intending to, had begun rocking himself into Zoro, pushing off the stove he was braced against, and arching his back ever so slightly, jaw slack, panting silently.
He'd never been so into _anything_ with so little stimulation.
Zoro watched the cook with a strange look in his eyes. He hadn't expected Sanji to actually react to what he was doing. He'd been making a point, just a point, like any of the other crazy things he and Sanji did to prove each other wrong, and point out how they were being dumbasses.
Of course, he'd tried his damnedest to make Sanji fail. That was what he was supposed to do. I would be wrong to cut him any slack, this was SANJI the idiot love cook, who could kick anyone's ass if he wasn't thinking about it (cept maybe Zoro's), but somehow managed to fall on his own ass when he TRIED to be that badass shit-talking cook that he already was WITHOUT trying.
And so, Zoro put his all into the task of making Sanji react, and he should have known that the idiot would fail, the guy was practically MADE of fail.
What he never could have seen coming was his own... fascination with it. He was tuned to feel when Sanji reacted, to catch him in his slip ups, and as such felt every little tremble twitch and subtle shift the cook made. And it was... fascinating.
He'd tried to shake himself out of the trance he was falling into, shift position, and startle the cook at the same time, but the subsequent swallowed groan had gone straight to his own gathering heat.
He hadn't even been aware of his growing arousal till that point, and now it was all he could think of, that and the rolling of Sanji's hips into his own.
This wasn't supposed to have happened.
For a while, all there was was Zoro gripping Sanji's ass, grinding them together, their shared response and trickling silence. Even Zoro's mouth had stopped, and his throat bobbed wetly as he stared over Sanji's shoulder.
Then a gasp from the cook caught the swordsman off guard, and he rocked their hips together roughly, just as Sanji's hands leapt from the stove to Zoro's shoulders, gripping in desperation as he tried to hold on to his self control.
They both felt each other's hard on with their own through the cotton of their pants.
Sanji'd failed the test. But still neither of them moved, the air thick around them, nor did either meet the other's eye.
There was a shift in the air, some minute change of atmosphere, the barest catch of the eye, and then they were attacking each other's mouths, biting and consuming as if they were each other's oxygen, necessary for life. There was never any press of lips on lips, only this wild battle of tongues and wills, sliding against each other sinfully.
Sanji moaned, breaking the kiss and squeezed the swordsman's shoulders painfully has he bucked into his crewmate, any inhibitions gone with his defeat, as he lost himself in the feel of the other against him.
Zoro jerked lightly in the other's hold, then released Sanji and backed away from the frenzy, and the emotions it had caused to come tumbling out. This wasn't right. HE had no excuse to get so into this, HE wasn't the one who'd been licked and teased into arousal, all he'd done was watch.
Sanji's eyes held a lot of desperation, and just the slightest tinge of fear as he glared at the retreating figure.
"So, what, you inconsiderate bastard, you're just gonna leave me here like this?" It was as close as Sanji could get to asking him to come back.
Zoro stared back at the image Sanji cut, disheveled and hard, but still trying to be cool even after being so totally humiliated. With a final flick of his eyes over mussed hair and clothes, Zoro turned to the door with a shrug.
He had his own boundaries, after all.
"Oi!" called the cook almost desperately.
If Zoro'd only been in it for the test, to embarrass him from the start... and he'd lost it, in front of that island of a man... No, Zoro had to come back, to prove it HADN'T been just Sanji, there had been something there besides those rough hands on his stomach, and a teasing mouth on his neck.
"Guess this means you're a slut, Love Cook." Zoro sneered, clinging to his last chance to stay above the interaction, to escape untouched, "Can't say I'm all that surprised."
He reached for the handle of the galley door.
"Lock that door." Sanji's authoritative 'don't fuck around in my kitchen if you want to live' voice had somehow found it's way into the conversation, and Zoro, intrigued in spite of himself, turned, his hand halfway to it's goal.
"I know you're a slut, Sanji, but are you really gonna beg-"
"Finish that sentence and loose a testicle, fuck-ass marimo. And you're gonna need them both for what we're about to do."
"You think you can order me around, _love_ cook?" Zoro stared the other down, until Sanji glanced down Zoro's body (at what, Zoro did not want to think, lest his diminishing hard on return under the other's lustful gaze) and shrugged, in acquiescence.
Zoro grinned, victorious, and slightly relieved, turning back to the door, when-
"Tease."
The word had fangs that a sea king couldn't match, spat from the dirtiest mouth on the grandline, or anywhere else for that matter.
The moment Zoro paused could have been from shock at Sanji's master move, or the sudden surge of blood rushing from his head to between his legs. The world may never know which.
When Zoro got his head about him again, he smirked. Hell if the Love cook hadn't figured out the way the game worked for once.
"What's that you dirty slut?" Zoro abandoned the door one last time, flicking the bolt over as he turned to focus his attention on the object of his renewed arousal.
"You heard me fucker." Sanji sneered at the wall casting the barest of glances sideways at the hooked swoardsman, "Knew you wouldn't have the guts to take a chance that didn't have to do with those shitty metal sticks of yours. You fuck with me, and then leave us both hanging the moment it gets too mature for your underdeveloped little brain to handle. Didn't think you were one to run away."
Oh, that idiot blonde did not just go there.
Sanji was still staring at the other side of the room when Zoro grabbed him, whipped him around, and pounced.
"mmm, I'll show you, gah! A fucking tease you little sl-mmph"
They slid to the floor entangled in one another, mouths clashing in bouts of passion, hate and something else meeting into an intensity that neither could have predicted, Zoro pushing Sanji to the boards with a final THUMP as the latter squirmed beneath their gyrating hips.
But Sanji wasn't under any agreement this time, and he wouldn't stand for being dominated long.
With a twist that shouldn't have been possible for human hips, Sanji straddled Zoro, pushing a knee between his legs with a grunt of restrained longing.
One long in-sync thrust and Sanji was rocking his cock into the other's crotch, arching his back and swearing under his breath.
Zoro thought it was just about the sexiest thing he'd ever seen, and his cock agreed with a shallow pulse, even as it was given a thorough rub down.
That didn't stop him from grabbing those lean tensed shoulders as their owner's struggle to get off caused his eyes to close, and switching their positions once again.
This time they hit the leg of the table with a crash and a wince.
"Stop that, you dumbass Marimo" gritted Sanji his flush face scrunched in concentration. "Stay on the fucking top if you want just get... these... the... fuck... off!" The blond fisted Zoro's shirt as he spoke, leaving it very clear WHAT he wanted gone.
Zoro, took that as permission to rip Sanji's shirt off his back, pulling a loud "FUCK" from the blond, whether from further impatience or annoyance at ripping his shirt, Zoro didn't care.
He was too busy swirling his tongue around the most recently revealed skin, and listening to the tiny noises the cook made when he sucked a pink nub into his mouth.
"Mother fucking HELL you shitty swordsman FUCKER If you don't move any faster I'll think you really ARE a tease."
With an almighty yank, Sanji pulled Zoro's white shirt from his haramaki, and halfway over his head, tangling his arms in an awkward position.
As the green haired idiot sorted out that mess, he unfastened the haramaki, and dragged his nails over the bottom of Zoro's scar where it disappeared into his pants.
The swordsman hissed at the skin on skin contact, as he threw his shirt aside and figured while they were interrupted why not get rid of the rest of their impediments?
With two vicious yanks he divested the cook of his steel toed weapons, reaching up for the buckle of an expensive belt to find it already undone, and Sanji working on Zoro's own zipper, pushing black pants down built thighs.
A second later, they were naked and on each other once more, skin touching skin at every point now, nipples brushing nipples, hands brushing sides, cocks, oh god, cocks sliding knocking grinding against each other at an almost uncomfortable pace. Zoro was once again at the cook's throat, like a hunter claiming his pray.
Reaching between them, Sanji grasped both their lengths in one of his long- fingered hands, and squeezed.
Zoro jerked forward, attacking even more viciously at the other's neck, and leaving blemishes and bruises already developing.
"Ye-YES YOU FUCKER, ugh, fuck me" Sanji rambled, lost in the slow movement of his own hand, and Zoro's attentions.
Zoro bared his predatory grin, and dragged his hands roughly down Sanji's sweaty sides, feeling the slick smoothness of the other, and trying desperately not to beg Sanji to go faster, to stop his exploring touches and jerk them off. Who was the tease now?
And then he had a better idea, that solved the problem altogether.
His hand joined Sanji's on their dripping cocks, and he was startled by the yelp of indignant surprise the cook gave.
His grin grew wider.
With a swift move, he caught both of Sanji's hands and pinned them above his head.
"Aren't you only supposed to use your hands for cooking, shit cook?" he whispered, his lips brushing the blonds ear.
"I was just tenderizing meat you shithead" hissed the reply. "And if you don't let me go, I'll start tenderizing meat head, and I won't use my fucking hands."
Zoro gave a dark laugh, and rolled his hips, pressing their hard ons together, and watching as Sanji bit his lip.
"Think I can get you off without them?"
Sanji snorted "A fucking tease like you? UNNNUH!"
And Zoro was grinding against Sanji in earnest now, humping him into the floor until the boards creaked, complimenting the murmured swears and cries of pleasure that the blond emitted.
They arched into each other, both tense, striving towards a climax that seemed like it had been building since they met one another, had their first fight, all building, building to this moment, when they'd finally release all of that tension, and feel each other ah! there!
The slightly awkward rub of hard ons drew it out longer, driving them both on, never giving enough to send them over the edge, only rocking them higher.
"Tease" panted Sanji, spread out under the swordsman with his hands still pinned above him, completely vulnerable and at the mercy of his most hated crewmate.
"You know," sighed Zoro against his partner's lips, breathing in the noises and pants the other made with desperation, "For me to be a tease you have to want it. Are you enough of a slut to tell me you want it, Sanji?"
A high pitched noise came from deep in the cook's throat. "Shit..."
"I could stop right now," taunted the swordsman "If you don't. I know what your answer is anyway, this," he gave an extra hard thrust for emphasis, "is all you have to lose-"
"Fuck YOU!" shit, the swordsman was slowing down.
With wild eyes and jerky motions, Sanji struggled with his captor.
"FUCK, SHIT, OKAY, I WANT IT DAMNIT! NOW JUST MOVE ALREADY, GOD YOU STUBBORN ASS!"
Letting go of Sanji's hands, Zoro braced his elbows on either side of the wanton cook and thrust against him, as tight and as hard as he could.
Sanji clutched at Zoro's back, pulling him onto himself, feeling him move, run pleasure down his cock and into every corner of his body in trembling waves, mouth open in ecstasy, but no sound coming out.
The cook's lean muscles were tightening, he knew that he was close, felt his release coiled in the pleasure in his gut, and right when it became too much, and he thought he'd die if he didn't come, Zoro looked down at him with his own lustful glare. Sanji felt himself tremble at the sight of him, mouth hung open and watching him through slitted eyes above a subtle flush.
Their eyes locked, green on blue, and opening his mouth as if to cry out, Zoro let the barest whisper of a word escape them in a choked gasp...
"Slut"
The world crashed around the blond, reaching a crescendo the intensity was not prepared for, and somewhere in it all he distinguished teeth latching onto his shoulder, hot cum that was not his own splashing across his stomach and jerking twitching lurching member even as he painted the one above him with his own fluids.
He came down from his high contented, with a sated burn in his muscles, and a naked swordsman lapping lazily at the wound he had inflicted on the cook's collarbone when he came.
Silence trickled back, as the curled together under the table.
Despite himself, Sanji thought it felt nice.
Title: Rubbed the wrong way
Fandom: One Piece
Pairing: Zoro/Sanji
Rating: NC-17
Prompt: Sanji tries to prove he is not a slut. He fails. Utterly.
Comments: A dirty, dirty slut.
Zoro buried his face in a bottle of ale as Sanji talked. Why was Sanji talking? He was the only one there, and the dumbass cook couldn't POSSIBLY believe that he was paying attention.
The clatter of the last dish being successfully put away harmonized with the clang of Zoro's third empty bottle as it joined the others on the table.
Shit, that prissy moron had been talking since dinner. Zoro couldn't IMAGINE a subject which required that much verbalization. Knowing the cook, he was either going off on his favorite topic (girls, or to be more specific, cleavage) and all Zoro was missing was a lot of squiggly goo ala Love Cook, or he was ranting, and every other word that came out of his mouth had been 'shit' or 'fuck' and the point he was trying to get across could have been outlined in a few words if you cut out his pansy assed embroidering.
Zoro tuned in for a moment as he reached for the fourth bottle he'd laid out, to see if his hypothosis was correct.
"- I'd had sex with LUFFY-"
Now that didn't fit.
"Oi, Love cook" Zoro almost didn't want to start this, but couldn't let that one stand without explanation "What EXACTLY are you talking about?"
Sanji froze and slowly straightened from his task of relabeling jam jars that contained WHO knows what.
"The same thing I've been talking about since dinner, dipshit." he said, in the barely restrained voice of one who might crush Zoro small enough to fit in one of those jars, and label it MORON in large red letters if what he suspected was true, and the swordsman hadn't heard a word he'd said.
"Sex with Luffy?" Zoro asked, his confusion deepening.
"WHAT THE- GAH- NO! WHY WOULD I- ARE YOU- GODDAMN FUCKING MARIMO!"
Zoro genuinely could not tell if the flush on his cheek was from embarrassment or anger. Why on earth would a swordsman need to know something like that? So it was with an eye- roll of infinite patience that he turned to the twitching cook, who'd moved closer, and now stood with his hands outstretched as if trying not to strangle his crew-mate, and said-
"Spit it out, target-brow"
"If you had social skills beyond those of a WATER-GOING PLANT" gritted Sanji, through grinding molars "you'd know that I was TALKING about the Shit- faced, Mother humping, broken dicked FUCKTARD that YOU exposed me to when I went to get you from the GOD DAMNED SHITTY HOLE IN THE WALL BAR!"
Zoro thought he could count that as a win for his 'swearing till his point got lost in expletives' theory.
"Coulda just said that" he yawned, as he again pulled his ale towards him and gripped the cork in his teeth.
"I'VE BEEN SAYING IT SINCE DINNER YOU SHITTY MARIMO!"
"Whatever" Zoro spat the cork at him.
He remembered that guy, now that the shitty ass cook mentioned it. Che, like that'd been his fault. He'd just sat there and drunk as the Sanji waltzed right in, with airs surrounding him that he would be waltzing right out the moment he'd retrieved his misplaced idiot.
That was when the barmaid tripped.
Sanji caught her with a swirl and flutter of hearts, in the traditional romantic, sweeping dip.
"Oh" gasped the barmaid, as Sanji leaned in, princely form to be envied.
Until, of course, with a sickening crack, the tray the girl had dropped came crashing down on his head, with an angry boyfriend on the other side. Sanji dropped the girl. This did not go over well.
Zoro turned on his stool, drink in hand, casually ordering one last round as the two men went off on each other.
Really, the 'FUCKTARD' as Sanji called him had to have it handed to him. He could duke it out verbally with the foul talking sailor, and give the guy a run for his money. And he either sensed exactly what buttons to push, or he was just naturally everything that pissed off the blond. Zoro couldn't help it. He took some mental notes. That one look the cook's face made was FUNNY.
But for one reason or another, Sanji had come to get him, so they had to get going. Zoro finished off his grog, tipped the bar, and went up and started hauling the wordy bastard away by the suit collar, the latter still hollering insults at the barmaid's boyfriend, and gushing apologies for the dick-faced slob to the barmaid.
They neared the door, a final blow flying from the fucktard's corner.
"YOU'RE A SLUT, SHIT EATER!" screamed the fucktard "A COCKSUCKING WHIMPERING SLUT AND I BET YOUR CAPTAIN THERE'S HAULING YOU OFF TO PROVE ME RIGHT! WHY ARE YOU CHASING WHAT'S CLEARLY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE WHEN YOU LOOK SO MUCH LIKE A GIRL YOURSELF I'D ONLY BE AFRAID IF MARISSA HERE WERE A LESBIAN! GO BACK TO WHAT YOU KNOW AND CRAVE YOU FUCKING COCK MONGREL, AND TELL THAT FAIRY CAPTAIN OF YOURS TO SHOVE YOU ONE UP THE ASS FROM ME! NOT THAT YOU WON'T BE BEGGING FOR IT!"
Later, as Zoro dragged a seething Sanji through the hole the fucktard had made when he went through the brick wall of the bar, and into the street, he wondered why Sanji hadn't just done that from the start.
He said nothing though, since he'd gotten an extra beer from the deal, and why look a gift horse in the mouth?
Zoro hadn't thought much about the event since it happened earlier that day but-
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, YOU CRAP SWORDSMAN!" the kick caught him upside the head, and alcohol sprayed across the table as the contents of Zoro's mouth emptied.
"Oi, that was good alchohol-"
"I'M NOT TALKING FOR MY OWN BENEFIT, SO PAY ATTENTION, DUMBASS, IF YOU THINK YOUR BRAIN CAN HANDLE IT!"
"Coulda fooled me," grumbled the swordsman petulantly.
"ANYWAYS" barked the blond, snatching the bottle from the alcoholic swordsman, and holding it to the side, to keep the idiots head in this solar-system. "I was addressing some of the untrue claims THAT MAN was making," It sounded like he had rehearsed this, "because I wanted to make it _perfectly_ clear to someone even of _your_ brain capacity that NOTHING he was shouting about had any basis in fact-"
Zoro frowned in confusion "But you are a slut."
Sanji's eyes bugged out of his head "I AM A LADIES MAN. There is a difference, you fucking dumbass. I do not" here Sanji shivered "have sex with MEN. I wasn't entirely focused on what he was saying at the time, and assumed he meant LUFFY when he was screaming about me- ... about the very, very, very _wrong_ acts I allegedly preformed with my captain. It has come to my attention that he was talking about YOU, however he managed to mistake such a dumbass for my captain... actually never mind, I get it. Either way, I wanted to make it clear that NOTHING that man was saying was true, I AM NOT A FUCKING FAIRY, YOU GOT THAT RETARD? ESPECIALLY NOT FOR YOUR PANSY ASS"
Sanji was breathing heavily, apparently, even in retrospect the thought insulted him.
"So all this talking you've done, since I sat down here, was trying to convince me you don't like guys?"
"YES, and you better believe it marimo- head, cause I'm not gonna stand for anyone who thinks otherwise to continue living on this ship, got it, idiot?"
Zoro just stared at him, then abruptly grabbed his booze back, and shook his head, rolling his eyes.
Sanji's visible eye narrowed "Is that supposed to mean something, shit-swordsman?"
The shit swordsman in question snorted "Like anyone's gonna be convinced if you talk their ear off, target brow."
The eye narrowed further, the target brow in question curling that much tighter "You saying you don't believe me, asshole?"
"You want me to believe you that badly? I'm saying talk doesn't mean much to me, pansy ass cook. So if you really can't live without proving this to me, I'm gonna have to see some sort of action."
Sanji's face turned that ambiguous red again, "How about I kick your face in, that enough action for you Marimo?"
Zoro shrugged, hunkering down with his grog once again, already checking out of the conversation. "Your call, shitty-cook."
Sanji was gnawing on his lip. This sorta blister in his perfect image was going to grate at him until it drove him crazy. And he just KNEW Zoro'd bring it up again, that's what Zoro existed for. Rubbing Sanji the wrong way.
Finally Sanji pushed his chair back with a clatter, drawing Zoro, yet again, from his happy alcohol time with a glare.
"What the fuck do you want me to do, Marimo, fuck a girl in front of you?"
Zoro tipped the bottle up, seeming to ignore the cook, until the last of the booze burned a pleasant path down his esophagus. Cook wanted a lesson in action? Fine, maybe it'd make him that much less annoying, god knows it pissed Zoro off when the idiot just bantered on and never DID anything until everyone (Zoro) was good and bored.
He stood up, abruptly enough to make the cook jump, setting his last bottle down with the three others with a clink.
Sanji eyed him warily.
"What're you-" again with the talking. The man was beyond help. But Zoro would do his best. This was Zoro, it was up in the air whether he knew how to do anything but his best.
With a sudden move, he'd shoved the cook against the stove, one hand on the small of his back, the other pressing into his abs, pulling at the shirt tucked there. His mouth brushed Sanji's ear, as the cook stared wide eyed over Zoro's shoulder, too shocked to move.
"Don't respond" whispered the Swordsman challengingly, and immediately it was understood that this was the test.
The cook snorted and tried to keep his blaze confidence in such close contact, intentional intrusion of his space.
"As if I'd-" Sanji broke off with a yelp.
The swordsman had bitten his earlobe roughly, almost drawing blood.
"Fuck-"
"No talking" growled the swordsman into the smarting ear.
A silent glare was all that followed. It was a start. Normally the cook would have been loath to follow the green haired dumbass's commands, but he understood that this was a parameter, not a petty demand. And he was gonna beat the fucker, show him just how ridiculous it was to assume that HE, Sanji, the gentleman co-
Oh! That felt good.
Zoro had bent to the nape of Sanji's neck, curling his own neck over the other's shoulder, and was nipping and teasing the scruff that he found there. Slowly, he moved upwards, curling up behind the ear he'd tortured earlier, all the while pulling Sanji's dress shirt from his slacks and hiking it up to expose and run his hands over the limber hips.
As Zoro's lips got closer and closer to more sensitive flesh on Sanji's neck, creeping towards his upper jaw, biting became interchangeable with kissing, and every pant the swordsman gave ghosted close and fleetingly across slickened skin.
Sanji tried hard to suppress a shiver that cut through him from his shaken core. Zoro noticed, and considered ribbing the cook for already starting to break, but decided against it, since the cook would probably take any comments as permission to talk himself. Instead, he licked around the shell of Sanji's ear, and blew softly on it, producing another involuntary shiver.
Sanji didn't know what was wrong with him. It must be that the breath was cold, cause there is no way ZORO could be affecting him. He concentrated on that. This was ZORO. Not a gorgeous lady, his idiot lazy crewmate, who he fought with almost constantly.
Yeah, that's right he hated him. Hated his control in times when any human would be EXPECTED to show emotion. Loved pissing him off, drawing reaction from that stoic face and body with petty comments, loved riling the otherwise unrufflable man until they danced and fought, giving and taking, in each other's space, never letting up for a second, never letting the other have an inch.
Sanji swallowed hard, and Zoro's hand inched toward the waistline of his black slacks.
That's right, he HATED him.
Now, Sanji was trying hard to focus on the lips on his ear, anything but that hand that would dance lower, and caress it's way up again, leaving whether it's destination would be the heat between Sanji's legs or whether it would remain where it was, stroking the tense abs, a subject of debate.
Oh god, Sanji almost wanted it to dip below, and feel him out, in tentative confined touches, until Zoro couldn't stand the lack of leverage anymore, and ripped down his slacks to claim him there, until Sanji couldn't do a thing to stop him, even if he wanted to, and could only hold on and curse the asshole as he tried desperately not to come.
But that hand just palmed his stomach, in rougher and rougher strokes.
The other held him across his back, pressing their chests together, reminding the self proclaimed ladies man constantly that this was no buxom female.
A sudden move and Zoro bit the soft skin between his ear and jaw, dropping his hand to paw at the cooks ass.
A moan caught in Sanji's throat and turned into a gasp, his arms clutching at the edge of the stove for dear life. It was such a _Zoro_ thing to do, to try to catch him off guard, the bastard always wanted to embarrass him.
He closed his eyes and gulped. It wasn't going to work on him. His libido might be powerful, but he had standards.
He would't get hard for a pathetic swordsman who can't even take his nakama's word for something. Had to make them _prove_ themselves. Someone that simple did not turn him on. He wasn't attracted to the straightforward way of taking on the world, so different from his own, so free of complications. So god damn truthful.
That didn't make him think of how he might not be completely honest with himself, or the fact that sex with such a person would strip away all of that, and leave him base and wanting.
And it wouldn't make him hard. It wasn't making him hard, the rolling of his ass and subsequently, hips into a masculine pair of thighs was not why his cock was filling.
Sanji, without ever intending to, had begun rocking himself into Zoro, pushing off the stove he was braced against, and arching his back ever so slightly, jaw slack, panting silently.
He'd never been so into _anything_ with so little stimulation.
Zoro watched the cook with a strange look in his eyes. He hadn't expected Sanji to actually react to what he was doing. He'd been making a point, just a point, like any of the other crazy things he and Sanji did to prove each other wrong, and point out how they were being dumbasses.
Of course, he'd tried his damnedest to make Sanji fail. That was what he was supposed to do. I would be wrong to cut him any slack, this was SANJI the idiot love cook, who could kick anyone's ass if he wasn't thinking about it (cept maybe Zoro's), but somehow managed to fall on his own ass when he TRIED to be that badass shit-talking cook that he already was WITHOUT trying.
And so, Zoro put his all into the task of making Sanji react, and he should have known that the idiot would fail, the guy was practically MADE of fail.
What he never could have seen coming was his own... fascination with it. He was tuned to feel when Sanji reacted, to catch him in his slip ups, and as such felt every little tremble twitch and subtle shift the cook made. And it was... fascinating.
He'd tried to shake himself out of the trance he was falling into, shift position, and startle the cook at the same time, but the subsequent swallowed groan had gone straight to his own gathering heat.
He hadn't even been aware of his growing arousal till that point, and now it was all he could think of, that and the rolling of Sanji's hips into his own.
This wasn't supposed to have happened.
For a while, all there was was Zoro gripping Sanji's ass, grinding them together, their shared response and trickling silence. Even Zoro's mouth had stopped, and his throat bobbed wetly as he stared over Sanji's shoulder.
Then a gasp from the cook caught the swordsman off guard, and he rocked their hips together roughly, just as Sanji's hands leapt from the stove to Zoro's shoulders, gripping in desperation as he tried to hold on to his self control.
They both felt each other's hard on with their own through the cotton of their pants.
Sanji'd failed the test. But still neither of them moved, the air thick around them, nor did either meet the other's eye.
There was a shift in the air, some minute change of atmosphere, the barest catch of the eye, and then they were attacking each other's mouths, biting and consuming as if they were each other's oxygen, necessary for life. There was never any press of lips on lips, only this wild battle of tongues and wills, sliding against each other sinfully.
Sanji moaned, breaking the kiss and squeezed the swordsman's shoulders painfully has he bucked into his crewmate, any inhibitions gone with his defeat, as he lost himself in the feel of the other against him.
Zoro jerked lightly in the other's hold, then released Sanji and backed away from the frenzy, and the emotions it had caused to come tumbling out. This wasn't right. HE had no excuse to get so into this, HE wasn't the one who'd been licked and teased into arousal, all he'd done was watch.
Sanji's eyes held a lot of desperation, and just the slightest tinge of fear as he glared at the retreating figure.
"So, what, you inconsiderate bastard, you're just gonna leave me here like this?" It was as close as Sanji could get to asking him to come back.
Zoro stared back at the image Sanji cut, disheveled and hard, but still trying to be cool even after being so totally humiliated. With a final flick of his eyes over mussed hair and clothes, Zoro turned to the door with a shrug.
He had his own boundaries, after all.
"Oi!" called the cook almost desperately.
If Zoro'd only been in it for the test, to embarrass him from the start... and he'd lost it, in front of that island of a man... No, Zoro had to come back, to prove it HADN'T been just Sanji, there had been something there besides those rough hands on his stomach, and a teasing mouth on his neck.
"Guess this means you're a slut, Love Cook." Zoro sneered, clinging to his last chance to stay above the interaction, to escape untouched, "Can't say I'm all that surprised."
He reached for the handle of the galley door.
"Lock that door." Sanji's authoritative 'don't fuck around in my kitchen if you want to live' voice had somehow found it's way into the conversation, and Zoro, intrigued in spite of himself, turned, his hand halfway to it's goal.
"I know you're a slut, Sanji, but are you really gonna beg-"
"Finish that sentence and loose a testicle, fuck-ass marimo. And you're gonna need them both for what we're about to do."
"You think you can order me around, _love_ cook?" Zoro stared the other down, until Sanji glanced down Zoro's body (at what, Zoro did not want to think, lest his diminishing hard on return under the other's lustful gaze) and shrugged, in acquiescence.
Zoro grinned, victorious, and slightly relieved, turning back to the door, when-
"Tease."
The word had fangs that a sea king couldn't match, spat from the dirtiest mouth on the grandline, or anywhere else for that matter.
The moment Zoro paused could have been from shock at Sanji's master move, or the sudden surge of blood rushing from his head to between his legs. The world may never know which.
When Zoro got his head about him again, he smirked. Hell if the Love cook hadn't figured out the way the game worked for once.
"What's that you dirty slut?" Zoro abandoned the door one last time, flicking the bolt over as he turned to focus his attention on the object of his renewed arousal.
"You heard me fucker." Sanji sneered at the wall casting the barest of glances sideways at the hooked swoardsman, "Knew you wouldn't have the guts to take a chance that didn't have to do with those shitty metal sticks of yours. You fuck with me, and then leave us both hanging the moment it gets too mature for your underdeveloped little brain to handle. Didn't think you were one to run away."
Oh, that idiot blonde did not just go there.
Sanji was still staring at the other side of the room when Zoro grabbed him, whipped him around, and pounced.
"mmm, I'll show you, gah! A fucking tease you little sl-mmph"
They slid to the floor entangled in one another, mouths clashing in bouts of passion, hate and something else meeting into an intensity that neither could have predicted, Zoro pushing Sanji to the boards with a final THUMP as the latter squirmed beneath their gyrating hips.
But Sanji wasn't under any agreement this time, and he wouldn't stand for being dominated long.
With a twist that shouldn't have been possible for human hips, Sanji straddled Zoro, pushing a knee between his legs with a grunt of restrained longing.
One long in-sync thrust and Sanji was rocking his cock into the other's crotch, arching his back and swearing under his breath.
Zoro thought it was just about the sexiest thing he'd ever seen, and his cock agreed with a shallow pulse, even as it was given a thorough rub down.
That didn't stop him from grabbing those lean tensed shoulders as their owner's struggle to get off caused his eyes to close, and switching their positions once again.
This time they hit the leg of the table with a crash and a wince.
"Stop that, you dumbass Marimo" gritted Sanji his flush face scrunched in concentration. "Stay on the fucking top if you want just get... these... the... fuck... off!" The blond fisted Zoro's shirt as he spoke, leaving it very clear WHAT he wanted gone.
Zoro, took that as permission to rip Sanji's shirt off his back, pulling a loud "FUCK" from the blond, whether from further impatience or annoyance at ripping his shirt, Zoro didn't care.
He was too busy swirling his tongue around the most recently revealed skin, and listening to the tiny noises the cook made when he sucked a pink nub into his mouth.
"Mother fucking HELL you shitty swordsman FUCKER If you don't move any faster I'll think you really ARE a tease."
With an almighty yank, Sanji pulled Zoro's white shirt from his haramaki, and halfway over his head, tangling his arms in an awkward position.
As the green haired idiot sorted out that mess, he unfastened the haramaki, and dragged his nails over the bottom of Zoro's scar where it disappeared into his pants.
The swordsman hissed at the skin on skin contact, as he threw his shirt aside and figured while they were interrupted why not get rid of the rest of their impediments?
With two vicious yanks he divested the cook of his steel toed weapons, reaching up for the buckle of an expensive belt to find it already undone, and Sanji working on Zoro's own zipper, pushing black pants down built thighs.
A second later, they were naked and on each other once more, skin touching skin at every point now, nipples brushing nipples, hands brushing sides, cocks, oh god, cocks sliding knocking grinding against each other at an almost uncomfortable pace. Zoro was once again at the cook's throat, like a hunter claiming his pray.
Reaching between them, Sanji grasped both their lengths in one of his long- fingered hands, and squeezed.
Zoro jerked forward, attacking even more viciously at the other's neck, and leaving blemishes and bruises already developing.
"Ye-YES YOU FUCKER, ugh, fuck me" Sanji rambled, lost in the slow movement of his own hand, and Zoro's attentions.
Zoro bared his predatory grin, and dragged his hands roughly down Sanji's sweaty sides, feeling the slick smoothness of the other, and trying desperately not to beg Sanji to go faster, to stop his exploring touches and jerk them off. Who was the tease now?
And then he had a better idea, that solved the problem altogether.
His hand joined Sanji's on their dripping cocks, and he was startled by the yelp of indignant surprise the cook gave.
His grin grew wider.
With a swift move, he caught both of Sanji's hands and pinned them above his head.
"Aren't you only supposed to use your hands for cooking, shit cook?" he whispered, his lips brushing the blonds ear.
"I was just tenderizing meat you shithead" hissed the reply. "And if you don't let me go, I'll start tenderizing meat head, and I won't use my fucking hands."
Zoro gave a dark laugh, and rolled his hips, pressing their hard ons together, and watching as Sanji bit his lip.
"Think I can get you off without them?"
Sanji snorted "A fucking tease like you? UNNNUH!"
And Zoro was grinding against Sanji in earnest now, humping him into the floor until the boards creaked, complimenting the murmured swears and cries of pleasure that the blond emitted.
They arched into each other, both tense, striving towards a climax that seemed like it had been building since they met one another, had their first fight, all building, building to this moment, when they'd finally release all of that tension, and feel each other ah! there!
The slightly awkward rub of hard ons drew it out longer, driving them both on, never giving enough to send them over the edge, only rocking them higher.
"Tease" panted Sanji, spread out under the swordsman with his hands still pinned above him, completely vulnerable and at the mercy of his most hated crewmate.
"You know," sighed Zoro against his partner's lips, breathing in the noises and pants the other made with desperation, "For me to be a tease you have to want it. Are you enough of a slut to tell me you want it, Sanji?"
A high pitched noise came from deep in the cook's throat. "Shit..."
"I could stop right now," taunted the swordsman "If you don't. I know what your answer is anyway, this," he gave an extra hard thrust for emphasis, "is all you have to lose-"
"Fuck YOU!" shit, the swordsman was slowing down.
With wild eyes and jerky motions, Sanji struggled with his captor.
"FUCK, SHIT, OKAY, I WANT IT DAMNIT! NOW JUST MOVE ALREADY, GOD YOU STUBBORN ASS!"
Letting go of Sanji's hands, Zoro braced his elbows on either side of the wanton cook and thrust against him, as tight and as hard as he could.
Sanji clutched at Zoro's back, pulling him onto himself, feeling him move, run pleasure down his cock and into every corner of his body in trembling waves, mouth open in ecstasy, but no sound coming out.
The cook's lean muscles were tightening, he knew that he was close, felt his release coiled in the pleasure in his gut, and right when it became too much, and he thought he'd die if he didn't come, Zoro looked down at him with his own lustful glare. Sanji felt himself tremble at the sight of him, mouth hung open and watching him through slitted eyes above a subtle flush.
Their eyes locked, green on blue, and opening his mouth as if to cry out, Zoro let the barest whisper of a word escape them in a choked gasp...
"Slut"
The world crashed around the blond, reaching a crescendo the intensity was not prepared for, and somewhere in it all he distinguished teeth latching onto his shoulder, hot cum that was not his own splashing across his stomach and jerking twitching lurching member even as he painted the one above him with his own fluids.
He came down from his high contented, with a sated burn in his muscles, and a naked swordsman lapping lazily at the wound he had inflicted on the cook's collarbone when he came.
Silence trickled back, as the curled together under the table.
Despite himself, Sanji thought it felt nice.