Fic: Divine Intervention (1/10) For Lilafilly2!
Title: Divine Intervention (1/10)
Author: melindajane.
Pairing: Vam.
Rating: Totally NC-17
Summary: After God loses a bet with the devil, Bam Margera's life takes an interesting twist.
Disclaimer: I do not own people, specifically these people. I also don't make money on what these people didn't do. Are we square?
Warnings: Where do I start? I can't believe I'm about to type this, but mpreg. Seriously. I know, I know, I don't always support it either, but give it a shot. Total religious blasphemy. I'm not kidding on that one. If you're touchy about God and Jesus, I'm going to say that you won't want to read this. Lots of sex and awkward sex. Read at your own risk. Seriously. You might just want to skip this one.
Author's Notes: This story was written for Miss lilafilly2 for the vamidays fic swap. She asked for realistic mpreg. And while this chapter is not what she is looking for, I promise, I do get into the real stuff in the next nine chapters. I hope you like it, lady.
Also, I'm going to go ahead and use this for one of my prompts off of the epic table. This one is going to be #21 Labor. You can check the status of the table here.
And I swear, I'm going to shut up now, but just for clarification I've posted a few links within the story. Most of them are pictures, just so you can see what I was thinking when I wrote this. But a few of them are 'articles' to clarify religious and historical characters in case there is any confusion.
Divine Intervention
It's your regularly scheduled Friday night in Heaven. The saints head down to Pilgrim Hall and check out a show. Sometimes Mr. Rogers does improv comedy, sometimes Johnny Cash sings the blues, but if they're lucky, Janis Joplin grabs a bottle of Southern Comfort and tells the story about how she cheated her way into heaven. God does not attend these functions. It's not that he's too busy, it's not that he's bored, he just has other...arrangements.
Forget everything your mother told you. For just a moment, ignore what you've seen in the movies. And although it's impossible to block out, cut the strings of your religious education.
Balance. Good and evil exists in the world, and without evil, there would be no measure for goodness. God needs the devil just as much as the devil needs God. And although your priest refuses to entertain the idea, they have formed a friendly working relationship over the years.
On Friday nights, God and the devil meet on high ground to play a simple game of poker with a handful of lucky angels, saints, and sinners. It's invitation only for a reason. The stakes are high, not gold or magnificent baubles, but souls. The numbers in purgatory outnumber those in both heaven and hell. Much like Earth's prison system, there just isn't enough room for them all. It sounds cruel and fickle, but when their actions and virtue sit evenly on a scale, their fate is left up to a lucky hand.
God sits at the head of the table, and to his left, the angel Gabriel. They always whisper through the game to one another. Sometimes Jesus sits to the right hand of God, but only on special occasions. The truth is, Jesus is uptight. He had a hard job to complete. His pain and suffering was unmeasurable, and because of that, he does not always feel like playing with something as trivial as chance. He despises the idea of gambling in general. But sometimes, just sometimes, he becomes desperate enough for his father's attention that he makes an appearance. It was one of those nights.
Jesus turned his head to his father when he saw who sat next to him. Juan Diego. Although he doesn't like to judge, Jesus has never been a fan of the man. He discovered a fraud of a saint when he was drunk on pulque, erected a church, and converted a nation. He has the second best record for conversion other than Jesus himself. When he realized that he was jealous, his face fell to his hands in shame.
“Relax, son. I understand where you're coming from. You walked through hell to have people believe in me with mixed reviews. He got drunk and saw a pretty lady in the clouds and he managed to bring in the most devout followers. I can see why you would be a little pissed off.”
“Father,” Jesus said, shocked not only by his language, but also by the way he shrugged off the deadly sin. The poker game must have held some power over all of them.
“Easy. It's just a game, Jesus.”
Jesus nodded, but he refused to turn his head. He heard a snicker from the end of the table and it sent a chill down his spine. He would know that laugh anywhere. The devil.
“Lucifer, quit laughing at him or you'll scare him off. He never comes to play anymore. Especially after last time.”
The devil smirked and drummed his fingers against the table.
“He went all in on a measly pair of aces. I'm sorry, unlike him, I am not afraid to be smug.”
The table laughed and the devil slid his foot up a long leg. Lilith, the first wife of Adam, smiled warmly at him.
“Later, baby,” she whispered with her fingers already itching to be dealt the cards.
“Where's Henry The VIII?” God asked growing impatient with the table.
“Women trouble.” The devil grinned widely, quite obviously amused with his answer to the question.
“Alright. Everybody ready?”
There were subtle nods and grunts and Juan Diego passed the pulque liberally around the table. Jesus refused to drink, but the rest of the party laughed and has a good time.
“I'm getting tired of this game. Same people, same consequences, same outcome. Why don't we change the stakes,” the devil offered. He folded his hands carefully over his cards, eager to keep them a secret. Lilith laughed playfully and Jesus rolled his eyes.
“What do you suggest,” God asked. He never saw a problem with their routine.
“I suggest we play another game on Earth. There are too many people heading to purgatory. Perhaps if we tip the scales and give them another miracle...”
Without a word, Jesus stood up and threw his cards at Gabriel. The angel bowed his head in shame. It broke his heart when he couldn't say anything to defend the boy that he sent into the crucifixion, but it wasn't his place.
“Come on, Jesus. You can't expect to have the limelight for eternity.”
God scowled at the devil, but he didn't intervene.
“I know that this is not going to be a wise decision, but what can I say? The world is ready for change. And you, Lucifer, are having the worst losing streak in over three hundred years.”
The devil smirked and Gabriel dealt the river card for the two of them with a shaking hand. In the end, God has a subtle grin and a full house. The devil had a straight flush and a blank face.
“Call.”
When the cards were flipped, the table gasped in response. God growled and thunder boomed across earth. Lilith cackled next to the smirking devil. Juan Diego crossed himself and watched Gabriel struggle for his next breath.
“Heaven help us now,” God said, but it didn't make any sense.
“You wouldn't go back on a bet now, would you?”
God simply shook his head in response, but when Gabriel moved his hands to shuffle the cards, he put his hands on top.
“The game is over. I believe we've all had enough chance for one evening.”
Sensing that she would be bored with the details of the arrangement, Lilith took Juan Diego to a party in Hell as God parted the clouds to look down on earth.
“What will you do,” Gabriel asked in his cherub-like voice. The devil put his arm around the boy's shoulders and pulled him in close.
“We will create the old story in a new way, old friend. You will play the same role.”
After an hour of searching the world, the devil stopped Earth from turning and looked into the sad blue eyes of what could have been an angel. At heart he was good, but somewhere he took the road less traveled by and lost his innocence. If he passed away, he'd probably end up in purgatory. The devil would hate to lose him in a game of cards.
“Behold. The mother of the anti-christ.”
In the distance, they heard Jesus weep.
“You can't be serious. I've never known the love of a woman, but even I know that is not a woman,” God said skeptically.
The devil laughed and brought them closer so they could look over the mess of a boy. Mid-twenties, five-o-clock-shadow, unruly hair, shit for brains best friend, stereotypical angsty music playing in the background, and a hand over his lower stomach. When he twitched on the floor to turn his head to the television, his arm slipped up to reveal a tattoo with the bastardization of the devil's mark.
“He's perfect,” the devil sighed.
“And who will carry this child,” God interrupted.
“He will,” the devil said with certainty.
“You can't possibly...”
God started to forbid it, but he immediately stopped himself. He realized that he had gotten into bed with the devil, metaphorically speaking of course, and now he was going to have to endure the consequences.
“You will ruin us all. You will rip the world apart. Wars, religious pilgrimages, the adoption of new faiths. You will kill everything we have worked up to.”
“It's time for a change, God. Who knows, maybe this will all work in your favor. I have no crystal ball.”
“Fair enough.”
The details were discussed regarding how they would watch and how they would intervene. They studied the boy who seemed to waver back and forth between arrogance only to stumble into near constant insecurity. He had a duality inside of him. As hard as it was for God to admit, he knew that it would be a fair fight. He submitted to Bam being the mother of the anti-christ. Still, he had questions that the devil left unanswered.
“And who will support him? He cannot possibly raise this child alone. Even Mary had Joseph. Who will hear that the holy....that the spirit grows inside, and love this child as his own?”
The devil concentrated momentarily, as if digging around the boy's thoughts before coming to an epiphany. He turned the world around again and zeroed in on a man standing in an airport. Tickets to America were in his hand. There was a smile on his face that warmed both of their hearts. He was a man by most standards, in his prime, and yet he had a childlike innocence on his face.
“He will take responsibility for the anti-christ. He will raise her as his own. If they can protect her from this secret, then things go unnoticed. We can continue to play this same card game for souls. But if they are exposed, and damn you God, I hope they are, then we are going to have the tournament of our lives.”
“A girl,” God gasped, as if the sex of the child was the thing that upset him the most. Jesus wept louder. The devil kisses God on the lips.
“We watch over a modern world. A world where a woman can do anything, where a man can kiss a man, and where with a simple surgery, the humans can redesign the only choice you get to make for them. So yes, a girl.”
“What does a man carrying the child of your devices prove,” God growled.
The devil shrugged in response and licked over his lips. “It proves that you are no longer almighty. Not only do you mistakes, not only can you be overruled, but the bottom line is that you are no longer constant.” The devil tried to be menacing, but he couldn't hold on to his seriousness. “It doesn't hurt that it really pisses you off.”
“I hate this, Lucifer. I hate you.”
“But nevertheless, this happens. This goes through. And you're going to send your sweetest angel to bring the news, just like you did last time. Aren't you?”
God nodded his head and pressed a kiss to Gabriel's forehead.
“You must obey, but you do not have to believe in his work. Remember that.”
Gabriel nodded with tears in his eyes. At the same moment, the devil slipped his hand into the young angel's. He squeezed in a way that is oddly reassuring, even if Gabriel was terrified about being the pawn in their ugly game.
“Everything comes down to luck, boy. Remember that.”
The game was over. Despite a terrible losing streak at the beginning, The devil took the house on God's turf. Gabriel learned that maybe God doesn't know everything. Still, just like his maker suggested, he decided to do his best not to believe in the mission, though he was bound to complete it.
“Heaven help us now,” Gabriel murmured as he continued to watch Brandon Margera, the man who was going to change the world.
TBC...
Extended Author's Notes.
Dear lilafilly2, I'm sure this is heading somewhere where you don't want it to go, but I promise that it does get a little better. I'll be posting the other nine chapters tomorrow. They're a little rough, but I promise to go back and fix them later. I think I bit off a little more than I could chew with this request. I meant to do right by you. So basically what I'm saying is that I had the best intentions when I decided to write you, what I've been fondly calling 'virgin birth' for over a month. I hope this doesn't offend you or weird you out. If it does, drop me a line and I can see if I can make you a new prezzie.
Also, this story has clearly driven me insane. Since starting this, I have gone to church for the first time in longer than I can remember (when somebody wasn't getting married or dead), I have had a dream where I cried blood tears like Christ, and I have seriously been waiting to be struck dead by lightening. Basically what I'm saying here is that...for once, I care about feedback. I really want to know if anybody at all out there enjoyed this.
And now I will quit it with the giant and probably unnecessary author's notes.
(Chapter 2)
Author: melindajane.
Pairing: Vam.
Rating: Totally NC-17
Summary: After God loses a bet with the devil, Bam Margera's life takes an interesting twist.
Disclaimer: I do not own people, specifically these people. I also don't make money on what these people didn't do. Are we square?
Warnings: Where do I start? I can't believe I'm about to type this, but mpreg. Seriously. I know, I know, I don't always support it either, but give it a shot. Total religious blasphemy. I'm not kidding on that one. If you're touchy about God and Jesus, I'm going to say that you won't want to read this. Lots of sex and awkward sex. Read at your own risk. Seriously. You might just want to skip this one.
Author's Notes: This story was written for Miss lilafilly2 for the vamidays fic swap. She asked for realistic mpreg. And while this chapter is not what she is looking for, I promise, I do get into the real stuff in the next nine chapters. I hope you like it, lady.
Also, I'm going to go ahead and use this for one of my prompts off of the epic table. This one is going to be #21 Labor. You can check the status of the table here.
And I swear, I'm going to shut up now, but just for clarification I've posted a few links within the story. Most of them are pictures, just so you can see what I was thinking when I wrote this. But a few of them are 'articles' to clarify religious and historical characters in case there is any confusion.
Divine Intervention
It's your regularly scheduled Friday night in Heaven. The saints head down to Pilgrim Hall and check out a show. Sometimes Mr. Rogers does improv comedy, sometimes Johnny Cash sings the blues, but if they're lucky, Janis Joplin grabs a bottle of Southern Comfort and tells the story about how she cheated her way into heaven. God does not attend these functions. It's not that he's too busy, it's not that he's bored, he just has other...arrangements.
Forget everything your mother told you. For just a moment, ignore what you've seen in the movies. And although it's impossible to block out, cut the strings of your religious education.
Balance. Good and evil exists in the world, and without evil, there would be no measure for goodness. God needs the devil just as much as the devil needs God. And although your priest refuses to entertain the idea, they have formed a friendly working relationship over the years.
On Friday nights, God and the devil meet on high ground to play a simple game of poker with a handful of lucky angels, saints, and sinners. It's invitation only for a reason. The stakes are high, not gold or magnificent baubles, but souls. The numbers in purgatory outnumber those in both heaven and hell. Much like Earth's prison system, there just isn't enough room for them all. It sounds cruel and fickle, but when their actions and virtue sit evenly on a scale, their fate is left up to a lucky hand.
God sits at the head of the table, and to his left, the angel Gabriel. They always whisper through the game to one another. Sometimes Jesus sits to the right hand of God, but only on special occasions. The truth is, Jesus is uptight. He had a hard job to complete. His pain and suffering was unmeasurable, and because of that, he does not always feel like playing with something as trivial as chance. He despises the idea of gambling in general. But sometimes, just sometimes, he becomes desperate enough for his father's attention that he makes an appearance. It was one of those nights.
Jesus turned his head to his father when he saw who sat next to him. Juan Diego. Although he doesn't like to judge, Jesus has never been a fan of the man. He discovered a fraud of a saint when he was drunk on pulque, erected a church, and converted a nation. He has the second best record for conversion other than Jesus himself. When he realized that he was jealous, his face fell to his hands in shame.
“Relax, son. I understand where you're coming from. You walked through hell to have people believe in me with mixed reviews. He got drunk and saw a pretty lady in the clouds and he managed to bring in the most devout followers. I can see why you would be a little pissed off.”
“Father,” Jesus said, shocked not only by his language, but also by the way he shrugged off the deadly sin. The poker game must have held some power over all of them.
“Easy. It's just a game, Jesus.”
Jesus nodded, but he refused to turn his head. He heard a snicker from the end of the table and it sent a chill down his spine. He would know that laugh anywhere. The devil.
“Lucifer, quit laughing at him or you'll scare him off. He never comes to play anymore. Especially after last time.”
The devil smirked and drummed his fingers against the table.
“He went all in on a measly pair of aces. I'm sorry, unlike him, I am not afraid to be smug.”
The table laughed and the devil slid his foot up a long leg. Lilith, the first wife of Adam, smiled warmly at him.
“Later, baby,” she whispered with her fingers already itching to be dealt the cards.
“Where's Henry The VIII?” God asked growing impatient with the table.
“Women trouble.” The devil grinned widely, quite obviously amused with his answer to the question.
“Alright. Everybody ready?”
There were subtle nods and grunts and Juan Diego passed the pulque liberally around the table. Jesus refused to drink, but the rest of the party laughed and has a good time.
“I'm getting tired of this game. Same people, same consequences, same outcome. Why don't we change the stakes,” the devil offered. He folded his hands carefully over his cards, eager to keep them a secret. Lilith laughed playfully and Jesus rolled his eyes.
“What do you suggest,” God asked. He never saw a problem with their routine.
“I suggest we play another game on Earth. There are too many people heading to purgatory. Perhaps if we tip the scales and give them another miracle...”
Without a word, Jesus stood up and threw his cards at Gabriel. The angel bowed his head in shame. It broke his heart when he couldn't say anything to defend the boy that he sent into the crucifixion, but it wasn't his place.
“Come on, Jesus. You can't expect to have the limelight for eternity.”
God scowled at the devil, but he didn't intervene.
“I know that this is not going to be a wise decision, but what can I say? The world is ready for change. And you, Lucifer, are having the worst losing streak in over three hundred years.”
The devil smirked and Gabriel dealt the river card for the two of them with a shaking hand. In the end, God has a subtle grin and a full house. The devil had a straight flush and a blank face.
“Call.”
When the cards were flipped, the table gasped in response. God growled and thunder boomed across earth. Lilith cackled next to the smirking devil. Juan Diego crossed himself and watched Gabriel struggle for his next breath.
“Heaven help us now,” God said, but it didn't make any sense.
“You wouldn't go back on a bet now, would you?”
God simply shook his head in response, but when Gabriel moved his hands to shuffle the cards, he put his hands on top.
“The game is over. I believe we've all had enough chance for one evening.”
Sensing that she would be bored with the details of the arrangement, Lilith took Juan Diego to a party in Hell as God parted the clouds to look down on earth.
“What will you do,” Gabriel asked in his cherub-like voice. The devil put his arm around the boy's shoulders and pulled him in close.
“We will create the old story in a new way, old friend. You will play the same role.”
After an hour of searching the world, the devil stopped Earth from turning and looked into the sad blue eyes of what could have been an angel. At heart he was good, but somewhere he took the road less traveled by and lost his innocence. If he passed away, he'd probably end up in purgatory. The devil would hate to lose him in a game of cards.
“Behold. The mother of the anti-christ.”
In the distance, they heard Jesus weep.
“You can't be serious. I've never known the love of a woman, but even I know that is not a woman,” God said skeptically.
The devil laughed and brought them closer so they could look over the mess of a boy. Mid-twenties, five-o-clock-shadow, unruly hair, shit for brains best friend, stereotypical angsty music playing in the background, and a hand over his lower stomach. When he twitched on the floor to turn his head to the television, his arm slipped up to reveal a tattoo with the bastardization of the devil's mark.
“He's perfect,” the devil sighed.
“And who will carry this child,” God interrupted.
“He will,” the devil said with certainty.
“You can't possibly...”
God started to forbid it, but he immediately stopped himself. He realized that he had gotten into bed with the devil, metaphorically speaking of course, and now he was going to have to endure the consequences.
“You will ruin us all. You will rip the world apart. Wars, religious pilgrimages, the adoption of new faiths. You will kill everything we have worked up to.”
“It's time for a change, God. Who knows, maybe this will all work in your favor. I have no crystal ball.”
“Fair enough.”
The details were discussed regarding how they would watch and how they would intervene. They studied the boy who seemed to waver back and forth between arrogance only to stumble into near constant insecurity. He had a duality inside of him. As hard as it was for God to admit, he knew that it would be a fair fight. He submitted to Bam being the mother of the anti-christ. Still, he had questions that the devil left unanswered.
“And who will support him? He cannot possibly raise this child alone. Even Mary had Joseph. Who will hear that the holy....that the spirit grows inside, and love this child as his own?”
The devil concentrated momentarily, as if digging around the boy's thoughts before coming to an epiphany. He turned the world around again and zeroed in on a man standing in an airport. Tickets to America were in his hand. There was a smile on his face that warmed both of their hearts. He was a man by most standards, in his prime, and yet he had a childlike innocence on his face.
“He will take responsibility for the anti-christ. He will raise her as his own. If they can protect her from this secret, then things go unnoticed. We can continue to play this same card game for souls. But if they are exposed, and damn you God, I hope they are, then we are going to have the tournament of our lives.”
“A girl,” God gasped, as if the sex of the child was the thing that upset him the most. Jesus wept louder. The devil kisses God on the lips.
“We watch over a modern world. A world where a woman can do anything, where a man can kiss a man, and where with a simple surgery, the humans can redesign the only choice you get to make for them. So yes, a girl.”
“What does a man carrying the child of your devices prove,” God growled.
The devil shrugged in response and licked over his lips. “It proves that you are no longer almighty. Not only do you mistakes, not only can you be overruled, but the bottom line is that you are no longer constant.” The devil tried to be menacing, but he couldn't hold on to his seriousness. “It doesn't hurt that it really pisses you off.”
“I hate this, Lucifer. I hate you.”
“But nevertheless, this happens. This goes through. And you're going to send your sweetest angel to bring the news, just like you did last time. Aren't you?”
God nodded his head and pressed a kiss to Gabriel's forehead.
“You must obey, but you do not have to believe in his work. Remember that.”
Gabriel nodded with tears in his eyes. At the same moment, the devil slipped his hand into the young angel's. He squeezed in a way that is oddly reassuring, even if Gabriel was terrified about being the pawn in their ugly game.
“Everything comes down to luck, boy. Remember that.”
The game was over. Despite a terrible losing streak at the beginning, The devil took the house on God's turf. Gabriel learned that maybe God doesn't know everything. Still, just like his maker suggested, he decided to do his best not to believe in the mission, though he was bound to complete it.
“Heaven help us now,” Gabriel murmured as he continued to watch Brandon Margera, the man who was going to change the world.
TBC...
Extended Author's Notes.
Dear lilafilly2, I'm sure this is heading somewhere where you don't want it to go, but I promise that it does get a little better. I'll be posting the other nine chapters tomorrow. They're a little rough, but I promise to go back and fix them later. I think I bit off a little more than I could chew with this request. I meant to do right by you. So basically what I'm saying is that I had the best intentions when I decided to write you, what I've been fondly calling 'virgin birth' for over a month. I hope this doesn't offend you or weird you out. If it does, drop me a line and I can see if I can make you a new prezzie.
Also, this story has clearly driven me insane. Since starting this, I have gone to church for the first time in longer than I can remember (when somebody wasn't getting married or dead), I have had a dream where I cried blood tears like Christ, and I have seriously been waiting to be struck dead by lightening. Basically what I'm saying here is that...for once, I care about feedback. I really want to know if anybody at all out there enjoyed this.
And now I will quit it with the giant and probably unnecessary author's notes.
(Chapter 2)