Haunting (Part 6a)

[vampiremadonna]

Title: Haunting
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A tragic end leads to a new beginning...
N.B: Please refer to end of previous chapter before proceeding.


The following weeks were heaven and hell for Jaejoong.

Every day with Yunho was a miracle to him, a gift that he would treasure forever. But it was also a reminder that he didn’t have forever, that in fact his days were numbered.

After that night, everything seemed to fall into place. They’d been building up to it for a while and although those words had yet to be spoken, he knew, without being told, what was in Yunho’s heart. He’d wanted nothing more in the world than to have Yunho return his feelings and yet now that he did…it terrified him.

The time he spent with Yunho, talking to him, making love, simply being with him, were the best moments of his existence, but the more he yearned to be with Yunho, the harder he fought to stay with him, the worse his pain became. It had gotten to the point where he disappeared more often than he was there in the living world, too weak to maintain visibility for extended periods like he used to. And when the pain came, he no longer had the refuge of the darkness that used to swamp him. Instead, he would lay writhing on the ground, if he moved at all, choking on sobs as tears streamed down his face, mouth agape in shocked anguish. During those times, when he longed for nothing more than release from the agony that gripped him, he could sense his father’s presence. He was always there when he went to the other side, hidden in the shadows but there nonetheless. He said nothing, though, and Jaejoong never called out to him because he knew, he knew, that the minute he did, that would be the end of it. Of him, of his life with Yunho, of everything. He couldn’t say goodbye yet. Not to Yunho.

So he bore the pain, smiled through the lingering effects of it when he did manage to return to Yunho. Yunho wasn’t stupid, however, and he could see the questions growing in his eyes. It was only a matter of time before he voiced them and when he did, Jaejoong had no idea what he would do.

Yunho walked through the hallway, a silly smile on his face.

He couldn’t remember a time in his life when he’d felt so relaxed and carefree. He’d finally gathered his courage and faced his coaches, informing them of his decision to decline the scholarship offers and attend a Korean university instead. As he’d predicted, Coach Park had been disappointed but understanding. He’d even offered to handle Coach Baek for him but he’d felt that the least he could do was inform the man of his decision personally. Coach Baek had not appreciated his efforts, however, and had promptly informed him that he was no longer welcome on the team. Before Jaejoong, that might have stung, but after everything he’d experienced in the past couple of months and having new dreams and aspirations, the Coach’s words left nary a dent in his armor.

In addition to settling one of the biggest crises of his life, his school projects were also about done, thanks in large part to the help of his genius boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

Three months ago he would’ve socked anyone who accused him of being gay, much less dating another guy, but now he felt nothing but joy associated with the word. Jaejoong being his boyfriend made him his. They hadn’t spoken about the status of their relationship per se but there was no one else that either of them wanted, and there would never be as far as he was concerned. He was positive that Jaejoong felt the same way. Besides, Jaejoong was technically dead and his dying thinking of him automatically tied them together. It was a bond that he assumed was unbreakable and the thought comforted him.

Speaking of his boyfriend, where had he run off to now?

“Hey, are you deaf?”

Yunho stopped walking and turned around to see Himchan jogging towards him.

“I’ve been calling your name, dumbo. Didn’t you hear me?” the boy asked, coming to a stop behind Yunho.

Yunho grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, my mind was miles away.”

“Clearly.” Himchan gave him a strange look.

“What?”

“What’s going on with you? And don’t tell me nothing,” he interrupted when Yunho opened his mouth to speak. “I feel like I haven’t seen or talked to you in ages. You don’t eat with us anymore, you hardly reply to my texts and when you do, they’re monosyllabic answers. You didn’t even tell me that you’d left the team.”

“Technically, I was kicked off,” Yunho clarified wryly.

“Whatever. These are things best friends tell each other, things best friends do. Unless we’re no longer…”

Yunho’s eyes widened in surprise. “No, not at all. I…”

Truthfully, he’d been too busy exploring his relationship with Jaejoong to put any effort into maintaining his other relationships. His friend would occasionally cross his mind, particularly during school since they had classes together, and he’d tell himself that he needed to make time for him. But then the bell would ring and Jaejoong would appear and they’d disappear into the greenhouse where they could be together without anyone thinking he’d lost his marbles and was talking to thin air. Jaejoong was his life now and sometimes it was hard to remember that he’d had an entirely different one before he’d come along.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I’ve been meaning to catch up with you, it’s just that…Things are kinda weird right now.”

Himchan frowned. “Weird?”

Yunho blushed. Bad choice of words. “Um…There are just things going on, you know. First, I had to sort out what to do about the scholarships and I also had projects to wrap up but now that’s all over and done with. I can finally breathe easy.”

“Is that it?” Himchan asked skeptically.

“Yeah, pretty much. I’ve been seeing…”

Oh, shit.

Himchan’s eyebrows swooped up into his bangs. “Seeing…someone?”

Yunho’s blush deepened. He hadn’t meant to blurt it out but perhaps a part of him had been longing to share his good news with someone. There wasn’t anyone he could really talk to about his relationship with Jaejoong, not even Himchan though he was the only person he trusted enough to mention it to.

“Um…yeah. I’ve been seeing someone.”

“I knew it!”

Yunho frowned slightly. “What?”

Himchan smiled. “Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal. New love and whatnot. People tend to get really absorbed in the beginning stages of a new relationship.”

Yunho smiled slightly. It was true, he supposed.

“So…who is she? Anyone I know?” Himchan’s curiosity was evident.

Yunho took a deep breath. It was the moment of truth.

“He. Not she.”

Himchan’s eyes went completely blank, like his mind shut down for a second while it tried to absorb that piece of information.

“I see…”

There was a moment of tense silence before Himchan spoke again.

“Are you happy?”

Yunho smiled shyly. “Deliriously.”

Himchan nodded, a small smile settling on his lips. “Then I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks.”

“So…When can I meet him?”

Surprised, Yunho fumbled for a response. “Um…he went away for a bit but…uh…he’ll be back soon. Maybe then?”

Himchan nodded again. “Cool. I look forward to it.”

They chatted some more as they walked to their next class and Yunho was relieved to discover that their friendship hadn’t suffered any during his absence. Himchan was still the nicest person he’d ever known and he treasured their friendship. He made a mental note to not let too much time pass before they saw each other again.

Later that night, Yunho paced around his room, eyes occasionally drifting over to the clock on his bedside table.

Where is he?

He hadn’t seen Jaejoong all day. He’d been there when he’d woken up and he’d seen him off to school but when his first period started, Jaejoong had disappeared. He’d thought nothing of it since he’d taken to doing that when Yunho was in school and it helped Yunho concentrate more when Jaejoong wasn’t there distracting him with how beautiful and desirable he was. But when lunch had arrived and he’d gone to their spot - as he now thought of the greenhouse - he hadn’t shown up. He’d waited, even past the lunch period and into his afternoon class, but to no avail.

As blissfully happy as he sometimes thought he was, there was one spot marring the perfection of his euphoria, one cloud in an otherwise clear blue sky.

Jaejoong was keeping something from him.

He didn’t know what but he knew that it had to be something big, otherwise he would have told him. They were extremely honest and open with each other and that was something he strove to maintain in their relationship but for a while now, he’d felt like he was being purposely kept in the dark about something incredibly important, something that could possibly change both their lives.

There was also the fact that Jaejoong was…fading.

He didn’t know how to describe it exactly. He was still there, still as solid as he’d ever been, and yet…there seemed to be less to him. Like he was lighter somehow. When he touched him, he still felt the same, but when he looked at him, it was like he was gradually, infinitesimally slowly, fading away. Like someone was erasing him shade by shade. Sometimes he would blink and think that he was just seeing things. Jaejoong was there. He could still see and touch him so clearly he wasn’t going anywhere, right? But then he’d dreamt that Jaejoong did indeed fade before his very eyes and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He’d woken on a scream, breathing hard, sweat dotting his brow. Jaejoong had been there, one of the few times in recent memory that he’d stuck around all night, and had held him, asking him what had happened. But he couldn’t tell him, couldn’t speak the words because he was too afraid that his nightmare might become a reality. So he’d kissed him instead and tried to drown his horror in their union. So long as they could be together like that, nothing would ever come between them.

A crash interrupted his thoughts and brought his pacing to a halt.

His father’s voice was muffled but he could hear him, knew that he was yelling at his mother again. He didn’t need to hear his words to know what he was saying. He always said the same thing.

You worthless, cunt. I don’t know why I married you. I should never have listened to my parents. If not for the wealth and prestige that came with being affiliated with your father’s fucking company, I never would have agreed. You’ve done nothing but make me miserable for the past twenty years. You’re fucking useless, worthless piece of shit. You’re not even good in the sack. The one thing you did right was giving me a son but he’s your child, not mine. I should just divorce you but I can’t, can I? Your loving father would crush me. If only he knew what he raised. God, I fucking hate you.

Yunho’s teeth clenched just thinking about it. His mother was a beautiful, intelligent woman who had made sacrifices in order to be the perfect wife for his father. She’d had a career once, a successful one at that, but his father had wanted a trophy housewife so she had quit her job and dedicated her life to making him look good. On the surface, and certainly in the family portrait that hung on the living-room wall, they were a very attractive family: handsome, surrounded by classic signs of wealth and good breeding.. He’d inherited equal amounts of his parents’ good looks, which he didn’t always appreciate since he hated seeing any part of his father reflected back at him when he looked in the mirror.

Sometimes he’d think back and wonder where it had all gone wrong. They’d been happy once, a long time ago but it still counted for something. He didn’t know what had changed to cause his father to become so bitter. He’d wondered if perhaps something had happened that they hadn’t told him about since he’d been a child at the time. It didn’t matter now, though. It was simply too late. After years of listening to his father berate his mother, of seeing his mother force smiles and hide her pain for his benefit, he wanted nothing more than for her to walk away from him. He would get a job to take care of them if he had to, though he knew that he wouldn’t need to. His mother was still financially set in her own right thanks to trusts from her father and grandparents’ estates. She had the means to free herself, but not the will.

There was another crash and Yunho decided that he’d had enough. This time, he wasn’t just going to stand by while his father demolished his mother’s self esteem like the knick-knacks he was breaking.

He stalked towards the door and reached for the knob.

“Yunho-ah?”

He paused, hand clenched around the doorknob. His mother’s voice was soft but he could hear her.

“Yunho-ah… Daddy’s feeling sick again so don’t…don’t come out, okay?”

Sick. That’s what she called it when he came home in his drunken rages. There was nothing sick about it. His alcoholism wasn’t some disease that had befallen him and if by chance it had been, he did nothing to make himself better. Instead he steeped himself in drink and whores and took pleasure in coming home to his wife and rubbing it in her face while he ate away at her already low self-esteem.

His mother was a key factor in his decision to stay in Korea. He couldn’t leave her with this man to fend for herself and he knew that she’d never come with him. Sometimes he hated her for being so powerless. The power was hers for the taking if only she had the strength to do it.

“Yun…”

Jaejoong appeared, holding his breath as he watched Yunho lay his head against the warm polished wood of his door. He heard him take a deep breath and release it on a sigh, his hand still curled tightly around the doorknob. He knew that it took all Yunho had not to confront his father.

He’d been privy to only one fight since he’d started haunting Yunho. Yunho had looked embarrassed and had avoided his eyes for a while after, neither one saying anything. Even now that they were as close as two people could be, even though he told Jaejoong everything, his family was the only area that seemed to be off limits. He never mentioned his parents and though on several occasions it had been on the tip of his tongue to ask, Jaejoong held back.

He slipped through the door to the other side and watched Mrs. Jung tenderly stroke the glossy finish on her son’s door. There were tears in her eyes, on her cheeks, and though her husband still ranted and raved in the background, her concentration seemed focused on the door in front of her.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I’m sorry that I failed you.”

In his mind’s eye, Jaejoong pictured them both, mother and son, on either side of the door, each needing the other, both wanting to protect but neither one really succeeding.

It broke his heart.

As the days wore on, Yunho’s perfect life became increasingly less so.

Everything was as it had been and as it should be but the situation with Jaejoong was rapidly degrading, even though Jaejoong still wouldn’t admit it. He wanted to shake him, to demand to know what was going on. Where was he disappearing to and why? Why was he looking sick, growing more pale and drawn with each passing day? He was already dead. Ghosts couldn’t get sick, could they? And if they did, what could they do about it? Everything in his life, everything he could have ever wanted outside of his troubled home, was more than he could ever hope for. But the person who had given him all that, the person who brought it all together, was leaving him.

Someway, somehow, Jaejoong was dying and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

It was imperative to him that Jaejoong be the one to mention to, that Jaejoong come clean and finally fill him in, but as day blurred into day and Jaejoong continued to fade, Yunho became anxious, so filled with fear that he lost his appetite and couldn’t sleep, too afraid that Jaejoong would disappear while he slumbered, never to return.

If Jaejoong noticed his plight, he said nothing. How could he when it would force him to admit the truth, which he clearly did not want to do.

Yunho sank deeper and deeper into depression, though he tried as best he could to keep it to himself. When Jaejoong was with him, which he couldn’t help but notice was steadily decreasing, he plastered a bright smile on his face and acted like nothing was amiss. Only when they made love, which also became infrequent, did he allow some of his desperation to escape, clinging to Jaejoong like it was the last time they would ever be together. For all he knew, it might very well be.

It was these thoughts and these feelings that ultimately led him to thinking about what he could do. He couldn’t prevent whatever was happening to Jaejoong but he couldn’t imagine his life without him either. The new life that he’d dreamt for himself was built entirely upon his relationship with Jaejoong. He’d never allowed himself to wonder how long Jaejoong would stay with him. He’d taken it for granted that they had no limit. Jaejoong was already dead and he had so many more years left. And when he did eventually die, they would just be together in the next life. That was how it was supposed to be. He could never in a million years have foreseen the predicament that he currently found himself in and his desperation and depression led him to only one logical conclusion.

At the end of the day that he’d had this epiphany, he sat at the desk in his room, alone as was the norm now, staring fixedly at a blank piece of paper, his hand gripping a pen so hard and for so long that his knuckles had turned white, his fingers locking around the stem. In the background, he could hear his parents building up to another lovely tussle. They weren’t loud yet, well not as loud as they were going to be in an hour or so, but their voices, his father’s especially, cemented his decision. The reminder made it that much easier for him to commit.

Taking a deep breath, he scrawled one line before setting the pen down.

He stood, grabbed his jacket and headed for his bedroom door.

He wasn’t surprised when they didn’t notice him leave. Once they started, his father shouting, his mother begging him to calm down, promising that she would do better, they seemed to forget that he even existed.

As he walked out the front door, he didn’t look back.

Jaejoong was dizzy when he finally solidified.

Becoming visible, and even disappearing, were becoming harder for him as the days wore on. He was growing weaker every day and he just couldn’t muster the strength anymore. Yet he couldn’t stay away. Yunho was everything, he was his reason for being. If he couldn’t be here with him then he might as well fade into nothing.

Which he was, he thought.

He’d finally decided to come clean with Yunho tonight. He couldn’t continue lying to him. He didn’t know how much time they had left and because of that, Yunho needed to know so that if the day came where he disappeared and he didn’t come back, at least he would know why. Their days together were numbered and he needed to prepare him for the inevitable.

He took a moment to center himself before looking around. He was surprised to find Yunho’s room empty.

As he’d grown weaker, he could no longer maintain his invisible presence in the living world so he’d been forced to go there, the real there, a place of nothingness yet somewhere that he knew there were others like him, those desperately clinging to life with the last bits of spiritual energy they had left. That was where he’d been spending his days, in darkness surrounded by others’ desperation as he suffered in silence for the love that was slowly killing him.

It was agonizing seeing Yunho’s worry, knowing that he wasn’t as ignorant as Jaejoong had hoped he would be. But what could he say? He’d tried to avoid having that conversation, telling himself that if he rested more and spent less time with Yunho while he did trivial things like go to school and sleep, his form would re-energize and things would become easier again. Deep down he’d known that it was a crock of bull, he was simply deceiving himself because admitting the truth was too painful.

His time with Yunho was nearing its end and it was time to say goodbye.

He’d been in the dark, wallowing in self-pity, when he’d heard a particularly eerie, blood-curdling moan. He didn’t know what it was or who it had come from but the moan went on and on and seemed to increase in volume which, in pitch blackness, was terrifying in and of itself. He realized then and there that he didn’t want that for himself. That poor soul, whoever it was, was probably in the last vestiges of its spiritual life and when that life ran out, it would disappear into nothing, as if it had never been. If he stayed with Yunho, if he continued to forge a place for himself in a world that was no longer his, that would be his fate.

He’d sat and thought about how to approach Yunho for what seemed like forever but finally decided that there was no easy way to go about it. Yunho wanted and deserved his honesty and he needed to be man enough to give it.

Now, as he stood in Yunho’s bedroom wondering where the boy in question had disappeared to, his courage began to dwindle. It was late, he told himself, and perhaps waiting until tomorrow would be better.

Yunho’s parents’ raised voices reached his ears and he sighed. Perhaps Yunho had gone for a walk. He did that sometimes, to get away from the noise and violence.

Jaejoong glanced around the room one last time and was about to fade out when his eyes fell on the page on the desk beneath the only light on in the room: the desk lamp. It was like a beacon, calling to him, and he heeded it, walking slowly towards it with a strange sense of foreboding. He picked the page up and read:

It’s the only way.

Jaejoong frowned. What did that mean? What was the only way?

He thought hard, trying to decipher if it had a special meaning to his and Yunho’s relationship but nothing popped. But as he stood there, panic grew within him. Instinct told him that he had to find Yunho and fast.

He raced out of the house into the street, picking a direction at random and running as fast as he could. His chest hurt and his head began to ache but he couldn’t stop. Something was pulling him, calling to him, telling him that he needed to move faster or else it would be too late.

He didn’t know how long he ran but he started to recognize the surroundings. He was near the school, about a block from the crosswalk where he d…

Jaejoong froze, eyes going wide as reality hit.

“No,” he gasped, fear clogging his throat like a living organism. “No, no, no.”

He took off again, running as if his life depended on it. Because it did, it totally did.

“Yunho!” he screamed as he ran. “Yunho!”

He kept calling his name as he raced around the corner. He didn’t stop when he saw him, didn’t slow down until he was abreast of him.

“Yunho, what are you doing?” he screamed, reaching out for the boy.

His heart skipped a beat when his hand passed right through him.

“No, not now. Please, God, not now,” he cried.

Yunho stood on the pavement of the crosswalk, waiting. Because of the time of night, the street was clear so he had to wait for an oncoming vehicle before he could do what he was clearly determined to do. As he stood before him, screaming his name, Jaejoong saw no fear or doubt in Yunho’s eyes, only resignation. He had made up his mind and there was no turning back for him.

In the distance, Jaejoong heard the car before he saw it. It wasn’t unusual for cars to speed on deserted roads but the sound of the approaching engine growing ever louder in his ears sent him into a panic. He willed himself to calm down, forced his mind to concentrate so that he could appear in front of Yunho and put an end to this insanity.

It can’t end like this, he thought desperately. Not Yunho, please God, not like this.

It was his fault, it was all his fault.

The car lights beamed brightly, illuminating the entire street and Jaejoong saw Yunho take a deep breath before he started to step forward.

Everything seemed to move in slow-motion. His heart stopped, visions of Yunho splattered all over the street filling his mind, his mouth open and frozen around Yunho’s name. No, his mind screamed. This wasn’t happening. It had to be a dream.

But just as Yunho’s foot landed on the street, he threw himself at him with every ounce of energy he could muster and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt himself come up against the solid, warm wall of Yunho’s chest.

They tumbled backward, falling to the ground with an umf.

“Jaejoong, what… what are you doing?” Yunho stood up, brushing himself off as he looked down at Jaejoong, annoyance shining in his eyes.

“You can’t do this,” Jaejoong pleaded, climbing to his feet. “Yunho, please.”

Yunho smiled gently. “It’s the only way we can be together. I know that now.”

Jaejoong shook his head. “No, you don’t understand.”

Yunho frowned. “What don’t I understand?”

It won’t end well.

Jaejoong smiled mirthlessly, tears filling his eyes. His father had been right all along. His selfishness had almost cost Yunho his life.

“We can’t be together,” he said softly. “I’m dead and you’re alive and…”

“I know that,” Yunho interjected. “I was about to fix that problem when you interrupted me.”

Jaejoong shook his head sadly. “It doesn’t work that way.”