oh hi.
i mean, it's not like there's nothing happening. there's been plenty happening.
i feel like i've misplaced part of myself for the last six months or so, and i think it's because i got happy. i was wandering around in a different skin that was new, and comfortable, and didn't carry with it a prerequisite of intensive, critical, introspection. i think i may have even gained a small amount of confidence - it's amazing how that happens when you're not constantly beating yourself up for stupid shit that's all in your head.
what i find troubling is that it's like i've forgotten how to write, and i think it's from being in such a shitty rut for so long. it's so frustrating because i feel like i'm only good at expressing myself when i'm unhappy. when i'm depressed, i can tell you precisely how many shades of unhappy i am - but get me to a point where everything's good and all i can say is 'everything's... great. no complaints. mmmmyep.' i feel like i can only express 'happiness', or positive things, when i present them in juxtaposition with loss, or emptiness, or self-loathing, and really, i feel like that's cheating. that's making finding an extra quarter in the change return of the soda machine seem like a divine gift from on high because when posed against, say, a disfiguring car crash, yes a free quarter seems really rad. actually, who am i kidding... i get really excited about free quarters. but whatever anyway, what i'm getting at is that only feeling like i can write in one mood makes me feel like a one trick pony - a bummed out pony that no one wants to hang out with, at that. i feel like i need to learn to write again, and i feel like i need to regain my fluency in the language of written word, and i'm not totally sure how to do that but it's what i want. i will try. it's not that i don't like what i write when i'm down - it's more that i don't want to slip into old habits and patterns. basically, the last few months have felt like trying to feng shui myself from the inside - replace this negative thought with a bamboo plant, change the angle of the discouragement to reflect encouragement. as soon as i figure out how to hang some later heaven bagua maps in there, i'm set. so yeah, overall things have been good.
wildfire was this past weekend, and i learned a lot. i really do learn much better from other people. i took a class in flow and i really found it very helpful, as was the class in stalls and stops. i have a lot to work on, more than enough to keep me busy til fall. it's such an inspiration to be around so many talented people, i had put learning new things on hold for awhile and now i feel encouraged and just plain psyched. stalls are such a neat way to punctuate things, i look forward to using them more. and, you know. continuing to work on flow.
my darling meghan will be here in a couple weeks from LA, and i can't WAIT to see her. i like the occasions of the assemblage of the old crew. staying up til 2 in the morning with those girls still feels illicit, like we're gonna be in sooooooooooooooooo much trouble when our moms find out, ohmigod! it's the late-night muffled giggling, it has magical powers. i'm sure of it.
i feel like i've misplaced part of myself for the last six months or so, and i think it's because i got happy. i was wandering around in a different skin that was new, and comfortable, and didn't carry with it a prerequisite of intensive, critical, introspection. i think i may have even gained a small amount of confidence - it's amazing how that happens when you're not constantly beating yourself up for stupid shit that's all in your head.
what i find troubling is that it's like i've forgotten how to write, and i think it's from being in such a shitty rut for so long. it's so frustrating because i feel like i'm only good at expressing myself when i'm unhappy. when i'm depressed, i can tell you precisely how many shades of unhappy i am - but get me to a point where everything's good and all i can say is 'everything's... great. no complaints. mmmmyep.' i feel like i can only express 'happiness', or positive things, when i present them in juxtaposition with loss, or emptiness, or self-loathing, and really, i feel like that's cheating. that's making finding an extra quarter in the change return of the soda machine seem like a divine gift from on high because when posed against, say, a disfiguring car crash, yes a free quarter seems really rad. actually, who am i kidding... i get really excited about free quarters. but whatever anyway, what i'm getting at is that only feeling like i can write in one mood makes me feel like a one trick pony - a bummed out pony that no one wants to hang out with, at that. i feel like i need to learn to write again, and i feel like i need to regain my fluency in the language of written word, and i'm not totally sure how to do that but it's what i want. i will try. it's not that i don't like what i write when i'm down - it's more that i don't want to slip into old habits and patterns. basically, the last few months have felt like trying to feng shui myself from the inside - replace this negative thought with a bamboo plant, change the angle of the discouragement to reflect encouragement. as soon as i figure out how to hang some later heaven bagua maps in there, i'm set. so yeah, overall things have been good.
wildfire was this past weekend, and i learned a lot. i really do learn much better from other people. i took a class in flow and i really found it very helpful, as was the class in stalls and stops. i have a lot to work on, more than enough to keep me busy til fall. it's such an inspiration to be around so many talented people, i had put learning new things on hold for awhile and now i feel encouraged and just plain psyched. stalls are such a neat way to punctuate things, i look forward to using them more. and, you know. continuing to work on flow.
my darling meghan will be here in a couple weeks from LA, and i can't WAIT to see her. i like the occasions of the assemblage of the old crew. staying up til 2 in the morning with those girls still feels illicit, like we're gonna be in sooooooooooooooooo much trouble when our moms find out, ohmigod! it's the late-night muffled giggling, it has magical powers. i'm sure of it.