Drama and a Rant or Two
Hey everyone, I decided that I would start this entry with some good old fashioned Live Journal Drama Moments. I've just been thinking a lot about loyalty, and my personal set of values lately. Loyalty is something I've always wanted to count among the traits that defines me as a person. I want to know people can count on me in as many situations possible. I want over the top Boys over Flowers music playing and to hear a friend say to me "you're my most loyal and truest friend I've ever had." And this not just for my friends, but rather any aspect I want this to be a case, whether its when dealing with my family, my friends or even just the people I work with both at Six Flags and the kids I coach at Agawam. Sometimes this is hard. Sometimes it can be hard because to be loyal to one person may mean being disloyal to another friend. Hopefully I don't seem selfish in saying so but it is even harder than that when in being loyal to a friend, one must be disloyal to one's own feelings or emotions. Is there even a right choice in that situaion? The old saying is, and I have quoted this myself is that the most important person in your life is you. Meaning I should make sure I am happy before I worry about anyone else. But that doesn't work. How can I be happy if I know my actions are what is making somebody else unahppy? I suppose when I look deep down on myself, I put those I care about before me.(I know it doesn't always seem that way ;) And if they are happy and feeling good than my own happiness will take care of itself.
Recently I have been tested in the regards of loyalty as well as my personal values, and I'm not talking about just one occurance that you all are probably guessing right now, I'm talking about just a bunch of things going on. At every turn there are moments that I know could change the way things in my life are. But this is when I really follow in the belief that its not all of those little choices that model who a person is. Who a person is models how all of those little choices go.
These are also times I've learned when one must stand by one's heart. I accept and appreciate all advice I get from everyone I talk with and I will always ask for it, but I can't just take one person's perspective and go with it, its important that I can formulate my own decisions that are a result of many perspectives. Some people have looked at decisions I've made and they tell me I'm just running away, or making excuses and to those people I know they will never understand who I really am. They will never understand my motives for the way I live life, and those are people I know will never be the people who are closest to me. But there is no concrete way for society to say something is right or something is wrong. I don't criticize people in their values, I criticize mine. Though don't get me wrong if someone is doing something I disagree with.... you'll probably hear it. Seriously though I have control over but one person, so when looking at right and wrong its only perspective. I think I can say the people I'm with most, follow with what I believe(though perhaps in unique or different routes) but there will always be discrepencies even amongst my closest friends. I realize this now.
In one of my classes I have been reading an author who has a strong theme that's central in almost everything that she has written. To sum it up, I'll use the quote from Boondock Saints, "there is another kind of evil that we must fear the most, and that is the indifference of good men." Its a quote that always stuck with me. I'm not saying I'm about to go get some guns, grab Rob and go out doing some vigilante justice until I die, but that quote was just something I've always thought about and tried to adapt to my own values. Not to toot my own horn but recently with one of my choices I was praised by a friend and was told that there should be more people like me out there. But what I did should be the way it always is. It is something that I would say 90% of people would say that they themselves would do. It wasn't anything special and yet I know from how others are going about their own business, and from what I've heard from other people about the situation it isn't what those 90% of people would actually do.
So here I am, and I know that this choice was correct. The choice may not be correct for everyone, and in fact I envy those who can take the easier road. But I know that there was a time when I did walk the easier road, then only found myself lost. Once again the fork was in the road and the easier road once more almost grasped me but this time I did in fact take the harder route. I know now though, that this choice was correct...at least for me. I also know that in this instance, there are many people who don't even see the difference between the two paths. They don't even see a problem. Those are the people are truly wish I could be. They looked at the situation and asked me, "So what's the problem?"
As all of you know, I am FAR from perfect. I have made mistakes and will undoubtedly continue to do so. I have done things that go completely against the values I've tried to set for myself. As a result I have had countless long nights just asking the "what ifs" and telling myself that if I had the same set of choices I wouldn't make the same mistake. Many of these mistakes you all know, many are only within myself. But I will not let these mistakes detour me from my values. Exceptions cannot be allowed. I can't let mistakes open the flood gates for more mistakes but rather I have to learn from them and become more of the person that I will ideally be.
Though I do know that I am not my ideal self as there are things I would change. One thing I wouldn't chance though are my friends and my family. A person could not ask for a better group of people. This extends from my random cousins that I don't talk to except at family parties, my core group of people I seemingly talk to daily, all the way to the kids I talk to in one of my classes that I have just twice a week. Like I said, I'm not my ideal self, I have holes, but its these friends who fill those holes and help me through it all. The same events that test who I am, also test who my friends are.
There really isn't an overall thesis to all of this or I suppose a reason for any of you to read any of this but I just felt the need to write it all. If you haven't figured it out from knowing me...or from reading all of that, I'm weird, I guess I can leave it at that.
So a lot has happened since I've done a serious post. Baseball season has started... and I've lost interest already. There will be one thing to determine my level of interest in Baseball this season and that is the success or lack there of my fantasy baseball teams. If my teams are doing well for themselves or could potentially do well in the long run I will continue to watch maybe Sportscenter at least to keep up with the baseball news.
More importantly Westfield St. College continues to sadden me. Not so much the classes, granted I'm ready for summer but overall I don't have that many complaints. For taking six classes right now, I could have a lot more work than I actually do.(Though I still have a bunch) The school overall is simply as Ed from Shaun of the Dead would put it "......gay." So I still haven't confirmed it all yet but the crazy rumors and heresay are good enough for me. But anyways WSC was set to have Dane Cook come to our Spring Weekend thingy which would have been phenominal! But apparently communications got back to the school he would only do a performance in a building that could contain 1000-4000 people at least. So we have our state of the art Woodward Center which would be perfect. Unfortunately the school decides that this building can only be used for Athletic Events. So no Dane Cook. The Woodward Center is the first time in my life I've been able to be bitter at a school's atheletic department, its kind of exciting. Though I must say, even if I was involved with the athletics department I would still be appalled at missing Dane Cook because of such a reason. So last Friday I pick up "The Voice" which is the student paper on campus and there's a headline about Dane Cook and a story on page one.... THERE WAS NO DANE COOK STORY! Flippin idiots, gosh! There were two interesting articles though. One of which was one that talked about how our DC has failed six parts of the Health Inspection. Five of which being structural so they're going to have to close the DC for a few days or something to fix it up. During that time we can get our meals at 333 which is down the street a little bit. Its not a long walk, but inconvenient as all hell.
The next article I read was about the new dorms they're building. I admit I came very close to getting housing here because I was just like "WOW new dorms, out of my way jerkass!" But in the end Pat and I are going to be getting an apartment. And its a good thing because the new dorms aren't going to be done until late October(Assuming there are no further delays <--- and this was surely mentioned in the article) In the mean time this is all coming about two weeks after kids have paid room deposits and guarenteed housing in the new dorm next fall. The school is asking kids to commute for the first month and a half or if they live to far away they will be provided housing in one of our gyms(though not the Woodward center, thats only for athletic events) In this scenario the kids will all get a bed and a small space for the personal belongings but are asked only to bring the bare essentials. Also once intramurals start up they will all be asked to move their beds to the sides so people can play floor hockey and the such in their bedroom. They interviewed two kids. One was the typical and justifiably pissed off kid who is going to sue the school with his father dearest lawyer. The next person they interviewed was this girl who is on like school council and everything and said that since most of the people living in the new dorm were going to all be seniors. So she's looking forward to the experience of living in the gym as a good "bonding" experience with her fellow seniors. So sad! Yet so glad I'm not living there next year! Now no one can tell me the commute of living in the apartment will suck.....well I'd be commuting anyways!
Rant Over. Go Patriots.