post-coital tristesse
post-coital tristesse
/ romance, hurt/comfort / krishan / pg13
lu han knows that kris is anxious and afraid of the dark. it's one of the reasons why kris likes to keep him around after sex. another is common courtesy.
/ romanticized anxiety / 1332
after sex, kris asks lu han to stay and his answer is the same every night.
“of course.” lu han says. he does so with a small smile and a reassuring squeeze of kris' hand. kris' palm is sweaty in his but he’s used to it and okay with the stickiness between their fingers.
“thank you.” kris replies, leaning down to press a kiss to lu han’s forehead.
lu han hums in response and pretends he can’t feel kris' heart beating at what seems to be like five hundred beats a minute. he’s familiar with the feeling of the thumping against his skin and finds it endearing from time to time. other nights, he uses it as an aid to get him asleep, counting the single beats of kris' pulse until he is lulled into a dream.
but for some reason, tonight feels different and he doesn’t know how the rapid rhythm of kris' heart makes him feel. he busies himself by getting out of bed and turning the light off.
“i can’t see you,” kris says. he can hear a bit of rustling. “come back to bed quickly, please.”
“it’s dark, i don’t think either of us can see each other,” lu han tries a laugh and carefully steps his way to kris' bed. a miniscule amount of light seeps through the window’s curtain and it guides lu han towards the other man. “where are you?”
lu han’s knees bump against the edge of the mattress and then he feels a warm, almost shaky hand brushing against his thighs. his breath hitches and his heart skips half a beat. he reaches down and takes the hand in his. kris' raspy, post-sex voice is deep as he says, “it’s too dark.'
“i know.” lu han replies, carefully getting into the bed, knees first. kris reaches over after a beat of hesitation and pulls lu han down so they can rest side by side and stare up at the ceiling together.
“i’m a little scared tonight,” kris says, timid. “i don’t know why.”
“just tonight?” lu han asks.
lu han knows that kris is anxious and afraid of the dark. it's one of the reasons why kris likes to keep him around after sex. another is common courtesy.
"you know what i mean." kris says, the volume of his voice fading down into a silence.
"i know." lu han says for the second time.
they're like that for a while, lying under a copious amount of blankets. the only parts of their bodies that touch are their upper arms. the ceiling is boring to stare at, but neither of them want to be the first to say something.
and then kris runs his fingertips against the back of lu han's hand slowly, the touch as light as a feather. lu han presses his thumb against the side of kris' wrist, reassuring him with a quiet, "i'm right here, you're okay. it's okay."
lu han knows that the dark isn't the only thing kris is afraid of. he knows that the list goes on. kris is also afraid of spiders, mice, and clowns. and then there are the other fears that aren't as easily categorized, like kris' fear of commitment, his fear of dying, and his fear of being alone.
"i know,” kris leans down and presses kisses all over lu han’s face. “thank you. sorry. i don’t know why i’m like this tonight. i’ll be quiet now, sorry.”
“no, it’s okay,” lu han’s voice is quiet and soothing and tired. “you can talk about it if you want, i don’t really mind.”
“sorry.” kris repeats. this is when lu han realizes that it’s more than just the dark he’s afraid of tonight, so he shifts slightly to sling both his arms around the trunk of kris' body. he puts his cheek to kris' chest and hears the lub-dub of the latter’s heart, loud and fast.
“what’s wrong?” lu han asks, his voice quiet. kris' body shakes a bit as he exhales and lu han knows that, at this point, kris is holding back tears. “hey, hey, it’s okay. don’t worry. it’s okay.”
lu han doesn’t know what it is and he doesn’t know if it actually is okay, but he continues to mumble these words as kris begins to cry. he doesn’t know what to do, so he stays still, words continuing to pour out of his mouth and onto the blanket with kris’ tears.
“it’s not okay,” kris chokes out between a few, quiet sobs. this isn’t the first time that lu han has ever seen kris cry and he know it won’t be the last but the sight and sound is often too much for him to handle and he sometimes begins to cry himself. “sorry, i don’t know why i’m suddenly like this.”
kris sniffles and lu han pats his back gently, cheek stuck to the skin above kris' heart. “it’s okay. take deep breaths. i’m right here, i’m holding you, you’ll be okay.”
“thank you, sorry,” kris exhales, still trembling. lu han feels the quiet vibrations of kris' tenor voice against his cheek. “thank you, i love you a lot.”
lu han’s breath hitches and he feels tears he didn’t know he had begin to pool at the edges of his eyes. “don’t say that,” lu han mumbles. “you don’t mean that.”
lu han is strong, so, even when he really, really wants to, he doesn’t cry, but every time kris pulls this card, he can’t help himself.
“yes, i do,” kris replies. “i mean it a lot and you know it.”
lu han shakes his head and closes his eyes with a deep breath, his own body shaking. “i know, i know. sorry. it’s okay. don’t worry.”
“i’m sorry,” kris says again. “i can’t.. i can’t stop fucking apologizing but i haven’t even told you why i’m apologizing.”
“why are you apologizing, then?” lu han pats kris on the back.
“i,” kris begins. he pauses when his voice cracks at the end of the syllable and then he lets out another choked out sob. “i’m sorry that i’m stupid and afraid of commitment and i can’t give you what you want.”
“shut up,” lu han says, lips now pressed against kris’ skin. “shut up, shut up, shut up.”
the thing about kris and lu han is that they’re neither friends nor lovers. they’re too much to be friends with benefits but not enough to be dating one another. they both love each other very much but they don’t know where it comes from. it’s all very muddy and sometimes they wish it could be different but they’re both resistant to change so they ignore the situation until there’s a night like this, when they both feel broken and tired and frustrated and all they want to do is melt into each other.
“i’m sorry, i know you don’t like it when i tell you that, but i just needed to say it.” kris’ words are rapid and panicked and lu han knows how much of kris’ energy this is taking, so all he does is put his lips to kris’ skin and give him kisses that are a little salty and laced with tears. they’re wet and sloppy but this is all lu han give to him for now.
“stop apologizing,” lu han says, voice quiet and subdued by both his and kris’ tears. “it’s okay. i love you, too. go to sleep. it’s okay. crying makes you tired.”
“okay,” kris says, hiccuping slightly. “okay. sorry. i’m being stupid.”
“you are being stupid,” lu han repeats as some lu han-type of reassurance. “it’s okay. everyone is stupid sometimes. i love you. goodnight.”
“i love you, too. goodnight.”
they lie there for a little while. lu han waits for kris to fall asleep before he lets himself listen to kris’ heartbeat, now at a regular resting pace. he assures himself that everything is okay and then falls asleep.
/ romance, hurt/comfort / krishan / pg13
lu han knows that kris is anxious and afraid of the dark. it's one of the reasons why kris likes to keep him around after sex. another is common courtesy.
/ romanticized anxiety / 1332
after sex, kris asks lu han to stay and his answer is the same every night.
“of course.” lu han says. he does so with a small smile and a reassuring squeeze of kris' hand. kris' palm is sweaty in his but he’s used to it and okay with the stickiness between their fingers.
“thank you.” kris replies, leaning down to press a kiss to lu han’s forehead.
lu han hums in response and pretends he can’t feel kris' heart beating at what seems to be like five hundred beats a minute. he’s familiar with the feeling of the thumping against his skin and finds it endearing from time to time. other nights, he uses it as an aid to get him asleep, counting the single beats of kris' pulse until he is lulled into a dream.
but for some reason, tonight feels different and he doesn’t know how the rapid rhythm of kris' heart makes him feel. he busies himself by getting out of bed and turning the light off.
“i can’t see you,” kris says. he can hear a bit of rustling. “come back to bed quickly, please.”
“it’s dark, i don’t think either of us can see each other,” lu han tries a laugh and carefully steps his way to kris' bed. a miniscule amount of light seeps through the window’s curtain and it guides lu han towards the other man. “where are you?”
lu han’s knees bump against the edge of the mattress and then he feels a warm, almost shaky hand brushing against his thighs. his breath hitches and his heart skips half a beat. he reaches down and takes the hand in his. kris' raspy, post-sex voice is deep as he says, “it’s too dark.'
“i know.” lu han replies, carefully getting into the bed, knees first. kris reaches over after a beat of hesitation and pulls lu han down so they can rest side by side and stare up at the ceiling together.
“i’m a little scared tonight,” kris says, timid. “i don’t know why.”
“just tonight?” lu han asks.
lu han knows that kris is anxious and afraid of the dark. it's one of the reasons why kris likes to keep him around after sex. another is common courtesy.
"you know what i mean." kris says, the volume of his voice fading down into a silence.
"i know." lu han says for the second time.
they're like that for a while, lying under a copious amount of blankets. the only parts of their bodies that touch are their upper arms. the ceiling is boring to stare at, but neither of them want to be the first to say something.
and then kris runs his fingertips against the back of lu han's hand slowly, the touch as light as a feather. lu han presses his thumb against the side of kris' wrist, reassuring him with a quiet, "i'm right here, you're okay. it's okay."
lu han knows that the dark isn't the only thing kris is afraid of. he knows that the list goes on. kris is also afraid of spiders, mice, and clowns. and then there are the other fears that aren't as easily categorized, like kris' fear of commitment, his fear of dying, and his fear of being alone.
"i know,” kris leans down and presses kisses all over lu han’s face. “thank you. sorry. i don’t know why i’m like this tonight. i’ll be quiet now, sorry.”
“no, it’s okay,” lu han’s voice is quiet and soothing and tired. “you can talk about it if you want, i don’t really mind.”
“sorry.” kris repeats. this is when lu han realizes that it’s more than just the dark he’s afraid of tonight, so he shifts slightly to sling both his arms around the trunk of kris' body. he puts his cheek to kris' chest and hears the lub-dub of the latter’s heart, loud and fast.
“what’s wrong?” lu han asks, his voice quiet. kris' body shakes a bit as he exhales and lu han knows that, at this point, kris is holding back tears. “hey, hey, it’s okay. don’t worry. it’s okay.”
lu han doesn’t know what it is and he doesn’t know if it actually is okay, but he continues to mumble these words as kris begins to cry. he doesn’t know what to do, so he stays still, words continuing to pour out of his mouth and onto the blanket with kris’ tears.
“it’s not okay,” kris chokes out between a few, quiet sobs. this isn’t the first time that lu han has ever seen kris cry and he know it won’t be the last but the sight and sound is often too much for him to handle and he sometimes begins to cry himself. “sorry, i don’t know why i’m suddenly like this.”
kris sniffles and lu han pats his back gently, cheek stuck to the skin above kris' heart. “it’s okay. take deep breaths. i’m right here, i’m holding you, you’ll be okay.”
“thank you, sorry,” kris exhales, still trembling. lu han feels the quiet vibrations of kris' tenor voice against his cheek. “thank you, i love you a lot.”
lu han’s breath hitches and he feels tears he didn’t know he had begin to pool at the edges of his eyes. “don’t say that,” lu han mumbles. “you don’t mean that.”
lu han is strong, so, even when he really, really wants to, he doesn’t cry, but every time kris pulls this card, he can’t help himself.
“yes, i do,” kris replies. “i mean it a lot and you know it.”
lu han shakes his head and closes his eyes with a deep breath, his own body shaking. “i know, i know. sorry. it’s okay. don’t worry.”
“i’m sorry,” kris says again. “i can’t.. i can’t stop fucking apologizing but i haven’t even told you why i’m apologizing.”
“why are you apologizing, then?” lu han pats kris on the back.
“i,” kris begins. he pauses when his voice cracks at the end of the syllable and then he lets out another choked out sob. “i’m sorry that i’m stupid and afraid of commitment and i can’t give you what you want.”
“shut up,” lu han says, lips now pressed against kris’ skin. “shut up, shut up, shut up.”
the thing about kris and lu han is that they’re neither friends nor lovers. they’re too much to be friends with benefits but not enough to be dating one another. they both love each other very much but they don’t know where it comes from. it’s all very muddy and sometimes they wish it could be different but they’re both resistant to change so they ignore the situation until there’s a night like this, when they both feel broken and tired and frustrated and all they want to do is melt into each other.
“i’m sorry, i know you don’t like it when i tell you that, but i just needed to say it.” kris’ words are rapid and panicked and lu han knows how much of kris’ energy this is taking, so all he does is put his lips to kris’ skin and give him kisses that are a little salty and laced with tears. they’re wet and sloppy but this is all lu han give to him for now.
“stop apologizing,” lu han says, voice quiet and subdued by both his and kris’ tears. “it’s okay. i love you, too. go to sleep. it’s okay. crying makes you tired.”
“okay,” kris says, hiccuping slightly. “okay. sorry. i’m being stupid.”
“you are being stupid,” lu han repeats as some lu han-type of reassurance. “it’s okay. everyone is stupid sometimes. i love you. goodnight.”
“i love you, too. goodnight.”
they lie there for a little while. lu han waits for kris to fall asleep before he lets himself listen to kris’ heartbeat, now at a regular resting pace. he assures himself that everything is okay and then falls asleep.