the ghost of you
Title: The ghost of you
Author: vans_girl18
Pairings: Zack/Brian
Disclaimer: Not real, rawr rawr rawr!!!
Brian,
It’s been three hundred and sixty seven days, four hours and twenty nine minutes since you left me. Not that you had a choice, you were stolen away from me, weren’t you, my beautiful beautiful angel. You were too perfect for this ugly ungrateful world. Too perfect for me, even though you always said that it were I who was too perfect for you. How many times did we argue over that? So many precious moments, precious minutes with you, wasted. If I’d have known what little time we had, I would have never had wasted do much. I’d have looked into your eyes more often, told you how beautiful you are, told you how much I loved you. I would have savoured every touch, every moment we had together. But I didn’t, because I thought we had forever together. How wrong I was.
The first months were the worst. Of my entire life ever. I just didn’t know what to do, who to go to, why you had to go. I blamed myself; I should have fought harder to keep you, and shown you more that I loved you. Then I blamed everyone else, especially those who knew you longer than I had. I was bitter, very bitter. But the guys were great, putting up with me bitching at them, looking after me, even when they were clearly hurting. Attempting to build their lives up again. Mat says hey. He’s missing you, more than he’ll admit, but you can see that cant you. He wants his best friend back, we all do. I want my lover back. Nothings quite right without you here, but I guess you can see that too.
I was telling Matt about the day you told me. He asked how I reacted. I don’t think badly quite sums it up do you? That day is one of several that are burned into my head. I remember everything. It was a sunny day, no clouds in the sky. We had gotten up late, and gone for a swim. We’d lain around drying off, when we remembered your appointment at the doctors. You hurried off, taking the car, and I’d tidied around the house. I fixed up lunch, a simple pasta salad, perfect for hot days. I heard the car pull up, and the door slam. I vividly remember you walking in the door, your eyes red and bloodshot. I knew something was seriously wrong. The way you couldn’t look me in the eyes said it all. We stood there, looking at each other for what felt like an eternity until you choked out my name and fell to the floor sobbing. My heart broke. Our lives changed.
Your mum is still in touch, she comes around once a week for lunch - my cooking’s got better in case you’re worried. Anyway... mat helps, a lot. Like always. He’s been amazing, since... you know. I wasn’t sure his moving in was going to work, and we’ve had some horrific arguments. Mainly my fault. But he knew I couldn’t be alone, he’d promised you hadn’t he? He told me that there was no way he was breaking that promise to you. So I guess I have you to thank, you always did put people before yourself. Even at the worst time in your life, you were thinking about me. I am the luckiest person ever. Thank-you.
Back to that day, when I joined you on the floor, asking you if you were okay. You eyes were haunting, dark, hollow, lifeless and lacking that cheeky sparkle they usually contained. My hands were shaking against your own, moving to wipe away the tears that were steadily streaming down your face. Tucking your hair behind your ears, from your face. I kissed your temple, and you squeezed your eyes shut, wrapping your arms tightly around me and whispering the word that brought our seemingly perfect worlds crashing down around us. “Cancer”
I can laugh looking back; to all the times I had to drag you to the appointments, holding your shaking hands, pulling you close, reassuring you that every things going to be okay. I can laugh, but it’s a dark bitter laugh, far from the happy chuckle I used to share with you. Don’t you think the time went by far too fast? From that first appointment, to the definite diagnosis, to the start of the chemotherapy. It all feels like a blur. You hated the chemo, it made you so ill, so tired, so depressed and you lost your prized hair. I remember the day you smiled after chemo. The only time you smiled after chemo. I told you that I would shave my head, so we could be bald together, get through this together. I told you that if you wanted to stop the chemotherapy then I would support you, and I know you didn’t want to have to go through that, but you stuck with it, so we had the most amount of time together possible. You went though that, for me.
Terminal. That’s what the doctor told us. Four weeks maximum. You never did like to conform did you? You hung on for seven weeks, seven weeks in which we tried to do everything you wanted to do. We visited family, places we’d been once and shared amazing memories. You told me we were creating memories so I wouldn’t have to be sad when you went. I told you that they were for the both of us. The end had to come some time, we all knew it. And we all knew it that day.
You had been in hospital for a week, because we couldn’t manage at home, you needed more and more help and more and more pain relief and medication. Your breathing was worsening, and you needed oxygen most of the time, even when you were just laid down. Everyone was there, our families had been there in the morning, and they had said their goodbyes, leaving us to it. The guys were around your bed, doing anything to avoid saying goodbye. You were trying to so hard to hide the tears and the amount of pain you were feeling, but everyone knew. They left us alone for a while, and you released the tears. You sobbed into my shoulder confessing your fears. Telling me that you didn’t want to die, you didn’t want to leave, that you loved me and that this wasn’t fair. I could hear your breaths becoming shallower and you gripped my hand tighter, knowing. You tried your best to smile, but the tears prevented it reaching your eyes. You tried to say goodbye but I silenced you, with my lips upon yours and wiped away your tears. “It's not goodbye baby, it’s just see you later”
When you died, my heart shattered and mat told me that I let out the most horrific scream. I didn’t even realise I had opened my mouth. Everyone rushed in, asking but already knowing. We’d just lost the most amazing person ever, and our lives would never be the same again. I apologised, to everyone. I felt like I was to blame, and I hung onto your lifeless body for as long as I could. When they took you away, I felt broken, incomplete, useless. It was my job to defend you, and I was letting some woman take you away. Take my love away, the most important person in my life. I couldn’t stop shaking, mat tried to get me to sit down, but I couldn’t, I had to ring your mum, and get her to tell your family, and I had to phone my family. And tell them all. I had to tell our friends, and arrange everything. Mat and Jimmy told me to sit down and breathe. But breathing didn’t seem necessary without you around. Nothing did.
I miss you so fucking much, every time I think of you, my heart aches. I’m never going to forget you, and it’s always going to hurt, but it’s going to get easier to live, to get on. It's not fair though, it’s not fair that you had to leave me here, it’s not fair that we can’t live happily ever after. But I will love you forever more, and I look forward to seeing you again, experiencing everything I miss so much. Your eyes, your touch, your scent, you lips, your love. I want you to know something that I wish I had got to tell you before you died. You changed my whole life, for the better. You never knew it, but you changed me as a person so much. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you. I never thought anyone would love me, or show me as much unconditional love as you have. You have shown me the good side of life, after an age of concentrating on the bad. You took my hand, and gave me hope. And for that I cannot thank you enough. You’re very special, and I’m so privileged you were in my life. I love you baby. I always will.
Forever yours
Zack
Author: vans_girl18
Pairings: Zack/Brian
Disclaimer: Not real, rawr rawr rawr!!!
Brian,
It’s been three hundred and sixty seven days, four hours and twenty nine minutes since you left me. Not that you had a choice, you were stolen away from me, weren’t you, my beautiful beautiful angel. You were too perfect for this ugly ungrateful world. Too perfect for me, even though you always said that it were I who was too perfect for you. How many times did we argue over that? So many precious moments, precious minutes with you, wasted. If I’d have known what little time we had, I would have never had wasted do much. I’d have looked into your eyes more often, told you how beautiful you are, told you how much I loved you. I would have savoured every touch, every moment we had together. But I didn’t, because I thought we had forever together. How wrong I was.
The first months were the worst. Of my entire life ever. I just didn’t know what to do, who to go to, why you had to go. I blamed myself; I should have fought harder to keep you, and shown you more that I loved you. Then I blamed everyone else, especially those who knew you longer than I had. I was bitter, very bitter. But the guys were great, putting up with me bitching at them, looking after me, even when they were clearly hurting. Attempting to build their lives up again. Mat says hey. He’s missing you, more than he’ll admit, but you can see that cant you. He wants his best friend back, we all do. I want my lover back. Nothings quite right without you here, but I guess you can see that too.
I was telling Matt about the day you told me. He asked how I reacted. I don’t think badly quite sums it up do you? That day is one of several that are burned into my head. I remember everything. It was a sunny day, no clouds in the sky. We had gotten up late, and gone for a swim. We’d lain around drying off, when we remembered your appointment at the doctors. You hurried off, taking the car, and I’d tidied around the house. I fixed up lunch, a simple pasta salad, perfect for hot days. I heard the car pull up, and the door slam. I vividly remember you walking in the door, your eyes red and bloodshot. I knew something was seriously wrong. The way you couldn’t look me in the eyes said it all. We stood there, looking at each other for what felt like an eternity until you choked out my name and fell to the floor sobbing. My heart broke. Our lives changed.
Your mum is still in touch, she comes around once a week for lunch - my cooking’s got better in case you’re worried. Anyway... mat helps, a lot. Like always. He’s been amazing, since... you know. I wasn’t sure his moving in was going to work, and we’ve had some horrific arguments. Mainly my fault. But he knew I couldn’t be alone, he’d promised you hadn’t he? He told me that there was no way he was breaking that promise to you. So I guess I have you to thank, you always did put people before yourself. Even at the worst time in your life, you were thinking about me. I am the luckiest person ever. Thank-you.
Back to that day, when I joined you on the floor, asking you if you were okay. You eyes were haunting, dark, hollow, lifeless and lacking that cheeky sparkle they usually contained. My hands were shaking against your own, moving to wipe away the tears that were steadily streaming down your face. Tucking your hair behind your ears, from your face. I kissed your temple, and you squeezed your eyes shut, wrapping your arms tightly around me and whispering the word that brought our seemingly perfect worlds crashing down around us. “Cancer”
I can laugh looking back; to all the times I had to drag you to the appointments, holding your shaking hands, pulling you close, reassuring you that every things going to be okay. I can laugh, but it’s a dark bitter laugh, far from the happy chuckle I used to share with you. Don’t you think the time went by far too fast? From that first appointment, to the definite diagnosis, to the start of the chemotherapy. It all feels like a blur. You hated the chemo, it made you so ill, so tired, so depressed and you lost your prized hair. I remember the day you smiled after chemo. The only time you smiled after chemo. I told you that I would shave my head, so we could be bald together, get through this together. I told you that if you wanted to stop the chemotherapy then I would support you, and I know you didn’t want to have to go through that, but you stuck with it, so we had the most amount of time together possible. You went though that, for me.
Terminal. That’s what the doctor told us. Four weeks maximum. You never did like to conform did you? You hung on for seven weeks, seven weeks in which we tried to do everything you wanted to do. We visited family, places we’d been once and shared amazing memories. You told me we were creating memories so I wouldn’t have to be sad when you went. I told you that they were for the both of us. The end had to come some time, we all knew it. And we all knew it that day.
You had been in hospital for a week, because we couldn’t manage at home, you needed more and more help and more and more pain relief and medication. Your breathing was worsening, and you needed oxygen most of the time, even when you were just laid down. Everyone was there, our families had been there in the morning, and they had said their goodbyes, leaving us to it. The guys were around your bed, doing anything to avoid saying goodbye. You were trying to so hard to hide the tears and the amount of pain you were feeling, but everyone knew. They left us alone for a while, and you released the tears. You sobbed into my shoulder confessing your fears. Telling me that you didn’t want to die, you didn’t want to leave, that you loved me and that this wasn’t fair. I could hear your breaths becoming shallower and you gripped my hand tighter, knowing. You tried your best to smile, but the tears prevented it reaching your eyes. You tried to say goodbye but I silenced you, with my lips upon yours and wiped away your tears. “It's not goodbye baby, it’s just see you later”
When you died, my heart shattered and mat told me that I let out the most horrific scream. I didn’t even realise I had opened my mouth. Everyone rushed in, asking but already knowing. We’d just lost the most amazing person ever, and our lives would never be the same again. I apologised, to everyone. I felt like I was to blame, and I hung onto your lifeless body for as long as I could. When they took you away, I felt broken, incomplete, useless. It was my job to defend you, and I was letting some woman take you away. Take my love away, the most important person in my life. I couldn’t stop shaking, mat tried to get me to sit down, but I couldn’t, I had to ring your mum, and get her to tell your family, and I had to phone my family. And tell them all. I had to tell our friends, and arrange everything. Mat and Jimmy told me to sit down and breathe. But breathing didn’t seem necessary without you around. Nothing did.
I miss you so fucking much, every time I think of you, my heart aches. I’m never going to forget you, and it’s always going to hurt, but it’s going to get easier to live, to get on. It's not fair though, it’s not fair that you had to leave me here, it’s not fair that we can’t live happily ever after. But I will love you forever more, and I look forward to seeing you again, experiencing everything I miss so much. Your eyes, your touch, your scent, you lips, your love. I want you to know something that I wish I had got to tell you before you died. You changed my whole life, for the better. You never knew it, but you changed me as a person so much. I never thought I could love someone as much as I love you. I never thought anyone would love me, or show me as much unconditional love as you have. You have shown me the good side of life, after an age of concentrating on the bad. You took my hand, and gave me hope. And for that I cannot thank you enough. You’re very special, and I’m so privileged you were in my life. I love you baby. I always will.
Forever yours
Zack