[Fic] Kradam -- Give in to Me, NC-17

[vanya_elda]

Title: Give in to Me
Fandom: American Idol
Characters: Kris Allen and Adam Lambert
Prompt: Hurt/Comfort. Aftermath of a tragic accident where Katy dies, car accident, possibly drunk driving. Kris blames himself for whatever reason. He's become emotionally numb, hasn't been able to mourn or cry and wants to feel something again. He wants Adam to fuck him, he wants it to be painful. Afterward, Kris breaks down and finally cries and mourns. Adam comforts him, your call if they have sex again, this time gentle and loving.
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 7040
Warnings: Biting, Fingering, Epic amounts of angst
Beta Readers: yuppielawyer, janescott, boston_princess
Notes: For ai_kinkmeme’s Kink Meme #1. This may become a multi-chapter? I don't know. What do y'all think?



Give in to Me

This is not how Adam expected this evening to play out.

Kris had not been answering or returning his calls, or calls from anyone else - the latter of which, Adam had no knowledge of until Kim called and tearfully asked Adam to check on her son. It made Adam’s blood run cold to think that Kris could be… He didn’t know what to think, actually. The lack of communication with Kris gave Adam nothing to work with. So, when he arrived at Kris’s Malibu home, Adam was prepared for both the best and worst receptions - but not this.

They’re on the couch, and Kris is straddling him.

Moments before, Kris had been sitting across from Adam, in stony silence, as Adam gently prodded Kris for some sort of reaction to Katy’s recent death. Abruptly, Kris lunged and Adam gasped, and well… Now, they are in some weird limbo - between wrestling and making out - that Adam is too flustered to discern.

Adam leans back and pushes Kris away, but Kris is persistent. He puts some muscle behind the kiss, and he manages to keep himself resolutely pressed against Adam. After giving a few more suggestive nudges of protest, Adam’s had his fill. “Kris, stop!,” he snaps as he roughly shoves Kris, who lands with a heavy thud on the floor, just missing the coffee table.

Kris’s glare is vehement; his breathing is ragged. “I thought you’d understand.”

This is ridiculous. “Kris, I love you, but this isn’t the time-“

“Don’t,” Kris interjects as he climbs to his feet. “Just don’t even go there, Adam.”

“This isn’t going to work,” Adam says pointedly. “You need to grieve, Kris.”

Kris looks like he’s chewing on his retort. His neck tenses with anger. “You don’t know what I need,” he spits out.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Adam says, desperately.

“Yes, it was!,” Kris shouts. Adam winces as Kris goes into a tirade. “I was driving. I should’ve paid better attention. I got her killed!”

Adam is at a loss for words. He feels helpless. Kris is one of his best friends. He wants to help, but everything he does makes things worse. It’s frustrating. It’s heart-breaking.

“I just…” Kris pauses to drag his teeth over his bottom lip. He throws out his hands. “I just wanted to be with someone who cares, someone who can make me care.” His hands fall and he shakes his head in defeat. “This is stupid. I’m sorry I wasted your time. You know the way out.”

Adam is on his feet as Kris turns away. “Kris!” The name comes out a little shriller than he intends, but it accomplishes his goal - Kris halts and glances back. The glowering look coupled with Kris’s exhausted posture cuts Adam’s resolve.

“Okay,” Adam says quietly as he approaches Kris, He knows he’ll probably regret this later. “Okay,” he repeats, with a reassuring nod.

Kris doesn’t move. He looks apprehensive, and there is still resentment in his eyes. Adam drags Kris into a tight hug that makes Kris go stiff. The embrace is half-heartedly returned.

“If all you’re going to do is hug me-“ Kris says, testy. Adam cuts him off by pulling him up for a kiss, which is gentle and open-mouthed.

Kris earnestly pants. He grabs at either side of Adam’s face with tense fingers. He clings to keep himself on his toes. Adam is unable to lose himself in the kiss as a pang of worry rocks through him - there’s the taste of stale alcohol on Kris’s tongue.

Wincing, Adam pulls back. Kris chases his mouth, but Adam arches out of reach and stumbles backward, breaking their hold. Kris releases Adam as he heaves for breath.

“I’m not stopping,” Adam says quietly. The hurt look in Kris’s tired eyes becomes guarded. “I just need to…sit.”

Adam holds his hand out to Kris as he backs himself over to the couch. He feels dizzy, but really, it’s Kris who needs to sit down. The unwashed and fatigued appearance is difficult to miss. Adam knows that Kris isn’t the cleanest of people, but the dark circles under Kris’s sunken eyes, in addition to the overall haggard look of him, go beyond laziness.

Kris pounces before Adam is seated, and their heads and bodies collide as they hit the couch. Adam awkwardly catches Kris in his arms as he sees stars from the knock to his temple. Kris slams a hungry kiss onto his mouth as Adam fists a hand in the back of Kris’s rumpled t-shirt, making Kris hiss for breath. Kris shifts his weight to straddle Adam and lean into Adam’s chest. In turn, Adam shifts to put distance between his knees as his jeans become increasingly uncomfortable.

Pain pounds in Adam’s head as his pulse ramps up. The kisses that Kris plants on him are sloppy and heavy; each one making Adam gasp. Kris is needy to a point that it’s sickening. Hands rove Adam’s upper body to grip, pinch, and massage his flesh. His head lolls back against the couch as Kris’s mouth finds his neck and eagerly nibbles.

“For fuck’s sake, Kris!,” Adam whines desperately.

Kris’s response is to awkwardly grind his hips against Adam’s abdomen, which Adam ignores - well, refuses to acknowledge. Kris makes a noise of frustration. His fingers claw under Adam’s charcoal grey shirt and rake across Adam’s back, making Adam pant. This is moving too fast.

Bewildered, Adam tentatively places a hand to the back of Kris’s neck. “Are you really that horny?”

“Yes,” Kris half-snarls against Adam’s throat. His bony hips rock against Adam before he slides his weight down to sit in Adam’s lap.

Adam eyes flutter closed, and he grips the nape of Kris’s neck. He stutters a breath when the crotch of Kris’s jeans catches on his belt buckle. Kris wiggles free and continues rubbing their bodies together. Want and arousal slowly lull Adam into dizziness. Kris hisses when Adam suddenly grabs the backs of his skinny thighs. Adam forces Kris’s hips to stall, but yelps and loosens his grip, when Kris bites down on the crook of his neck.

“I don’t believe you,” Adam edges out. Now, both his head and neck are aching. And he’s getting a hard-on. Great. “This is just you not knowing how to deal.”

“Shut up.”

“Kris-“ Adam winces and groans. Kris just sat down, squarely, on his groin.

Kris’s hands scramble to find the back of the couch. He pushes himself away and stares intently at Adam’s face. His mouth hangs open as he breathes. It’s all Adam can do to keep himself from laughing out of panic, when Kris snaps, “Are we going to have sex, or not?”

“No,” Adam says quickly before his voice becomes stern. “It’s not happening.”

Kris glares. “I want you.”

Adam releases Kris and sighs. “No, you don’t.” And he thought this was ridiculous ten minutes ago? Wrong.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I know you. You don’t avoid things and now, you are, and…” Adam pauses to fix Kris with an incisive frown. “Everything about this is wrong. It’s not healthy.”

Kris jerks himself backward to reel away and sit on Adam’s knees. He’s upset. He looks like he might take a swing at Adam, just for good measure.

“Screw you!,” Kris huffs, voice hoarse and hurt. “I didn’t invite you in to be the voice-of-reason.”

“And I didn’t come here to fuck!”

Kris’s eyes narrow. His breathing is erratic. There’s a struggle between pain, anger, confusion, and want in his expression. Adam doesn’t know whether to hug him or shake him.

“Fine,” Kris finally spits out. He gives Adam’s chest a shove as he stands up, off the couch. “If you won’t, then I’ll just - I’ll just pay someone who will.”

Adam feels his stomach knot with immediate concern. He’d like to think that Kris is being sarcastic, but the desperation in Kris’s voice makes Adam doubt his immediate assumption.

“No, you won’t,” Adam says firmly, drawing a peevish glance from Kris. “I would never let you do that, and you wouldn’t even know where to look.”

“I can find out.”

“Kris, just stop.”

When Adam stands, Kris quickly backs away. He trips over the edge of the coffee table, which sends him teetering off balance and stumbling. Adam catches up to him and seizes an elbow, before Kris can fall into a glass display case, which houses some awards and framed wedding photographs.

“Let go of me,” Kris growls. He tugs on his arm, but is met with strong resistance from Adam. “Let go of me!”

Adam feels as though he’s at his wit’s end. This downward spiral is sick and sad, yet inevitable. Kris’s inability to deal with Katy’s death has made him nonfunctional to a possible point of no return. And it’s killing Adam to know that this post traumatic stress response has likely been stewing for the entirety of the two months since the accident. Something should have been done sooner. Adam doesn’t want to think about where Kris would be, now, if Kim hadn’t called.

“I’m not going anywhere, Kris,” Adam snaps. He tightens his grip on Kris’s bony wrists. They wrestle until Adam is hugging Kris back to himself. “So, calm down and tell me what you really want.”

Kris makes three more futile attempts to yank away from Adam. When it doesn’t work, he drops his head back to Adam’s chest with an exhausted sigh. “I just,” Kris begins, frustrated and grouchy. “I’m done, okay? I’m done.”

Adam frets his brow. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific.”

“Fine.” Kris heaves a sigh. “Would you let go of me, please?”

“Not until you tell me what you’re thinking.”

Adam grimaces as Kris struggles in his arms. Risking a bashed nose, he brushes a kiss into Kris’s oily hair. “Stop,” he whispers against Kris’s ear. He’s relieved when Kris settles down.

“I don’t - I don’t want any more regrets,” Kris stammers. “I have too many and you’re, kind of, one of them, and when - when you showed up here today, it got me thinking.”

Baffled into silence, Adam tightens their embrace. Kris’s breathing becomes shaky.

“I can’t keep going like this,” he says quietly. “You don’t even know many times I’ve considered doing something - something to really hurt myself.”

Adam’s breath catches. His hold on Kris’s wrists relents in favor of a comforting embrace. His face finds Kris cheek, where he lets out something short of a soft sob. “Don’t do that,” Adam whispers. “Don’t you ever do that, Kris.”

Kris tilts his face away. He shakes his head against Adam’s shoulder. “You don’t know, Adam. You just don’t. I haven’t even cried, okay? Not since - not since that night.” Adam can feel Kris swallow, and in a sidelong glance, sees his eyes close. “I’m just…numb. I’m numb. And - and I just want to be with you.”

Adam considers his words carefully. This is killing him, inside and out. “We don’t have to have sex for that. You don’t - you shouldn’t be giving yourself to me so soon.” If ever…

With something short of a growl, Kris muscles himself out of Adam’s hold and turns. He pounds his fists against Adam’s front. “You don’t get it! I’m not just asking you for sex. I’m not giving myself to you! I want you to be with me. Right now.” His fingers bite into Adam’s shirt. “I want hands on me. I want to not care about anyone else. I want to be sweaty and groaning. I want fingers grabbing for mine as I lose it.” Adam feels a pang when Kris urgently tugs. “I want to remember what it’s like to ache all over for someone so I’ll stop hating myself and trying to forget her!”

Kris relents on his hold. “You asked me what I want?,” there’s an upturn in his voice, like he’s echoing Adam’s previous question. “Well, I want you, Adam.” He drops his forehead to Adam’s chest. “Please.”

Adam’s eyes slip closed as a confusing wave of apprehension and desire hits him. Taking advantage of Kris is the last thing he wants to do, but Kris is so far gone that Adam realizes comfort and connection are all he has to offer. He knows he could never hope to replace Katy. He’ll likely be no more than second best. But Katy is gone. She’s not coming back. She’s not going to save Kris from this misery.

Sliding his hands up Kris’s toned back to clutch tightly at Kris’s shoulders, Adam waits for Kris to meet his gaze. He cups Kris’s face, rubbing the soft skin of his thumb over some cheek stubble. “I don’t want you to regret this,” Adam says, giving Kris a chance to back out.

Kris seizes Adam’s wrists with a needy squeeze. “I won’t,” he says, gaze unblinking. “Kiss me.”

There’s a pause as Adam ponders the consequences, but he can no longer stand the tension. His pulse flutters behind his ears as he upturns the face in his hands. He pulls a slow kiss from Kris’s lips. A hungry noise escapes Kris. Adam’s wrists go cold as fingers dive for the hem of his shirt. Short nails and calloused fingertips trail over his body before hesitantly gripping the beltline of his jeans. Adam gently bites down on Kris’s full, bottom lip. He slips out of his jacket and lets it fall haplessly to the floor. Adam’s hands come back to Kris’s face as Kris shoves his tongue up into Adam’s mouth. The bitter taste of Kris’s tongue lessens.

Walking backward, Kris tugs at Adam’s jeans as he leads them to a hallway. Adam pushes Kris up against the nearest wall. Kris squirms in protest. He calms when Adam digs a hand underneath his t-shirt to pull it up over his sinewy arms, and off of his shaggy head. Kris lazily bumps back into the wall as Adam plants kisses on his throat. His hips arch forward and he groans when Adam’s tongue wiggles underneath his chin.

“Guest room,” Kris gasps. He arches, again, as Adam sucks on the sensitive, jutting corner of his jaw. “It’s on the left.”

Adam wraps his lips to that same spot and sucks until Kris’s hands are earnestly climbing his back. After weakly smiling into Kris’s neck, Adam pulls away and retreats down the hall. He slides off his shirt, one arm at a time. Kris hungrily watches him undress before giving chase.

Adam murmurs in approval when their bare chests and bellies press together. He drops his belt, which hits the hardwood floor with a loud clunk. His boots and socks lay forgotten behind them. Kris’s lips find the top of his breast bone; it makes his breath catch.

“Easy,” Adam hisses in pain when Kris jerks around the front of his jeans, popping buttons and yanking on the zipper. He’s gone commando and each tug feels like a punch to his groin. Kris mumbles an apology against Adam’s chest. Adam takes Kris’s hand into his own and moves them into the guest room.

The sight of the room is unsettling. There’s a heap of discarded clothing in one corner, near the windows, and sheets of the bed are already rumpled. A picture frame is face-down on a study table. The hooks on the walls are bare. Is this where Kris has been sleeping?

Adam grunts in surprise when his skin-tight jeans are seized and roughly pulled off of his hips. Strong arms wrap his waist and hot, urgent lips rove over his shoulder blades. Eyelids sliding to half-mast, Adam savors Kris’s warmth and touches before kicking away his jeans.

“We’re going to need a condom,” Adam says quietly to the room and puts a hand to Kris’s wrist. He can feel Kris’s clothed hard-on against his hip.

Kris’s lips stall. “You don’t have to use one." His deep voice vibrates against Adam’s back, which sends a buzz straight through Adam’s stomach to his dick.

Well…that answers the question of “who is fucking who?”

“Yes, I do. If I end up hurting you, and things are messy…“

Kris sighs and drops his face to Adam’s shoulder. “They’re in the bedroom.” A pause. “The other bedroom,” he clarifies. “I’ll…wait here.”

Weird. Adam’s brow raises, but he doesn’t ask why Kris wants him to go. “Just straight down the hall, right?”

Adam tries to recall the grand tour he received during a prior visit. Kris and Katy had bought the place, and then held a house warming party on their three-year anniversary, around five months ago.

Kris nuzzles Adam’s back as he nods. “The night stand." He clings until Adam moves away.

If possible, the master bedroom is more unsettling than the guest room. It looks…untouched. The bed is made. The pillows are fluffed. It’s impeccably clean, the pictures and knick-knacks are in their places, and the air smells vaguely stagnant when Adam opens the door. So, Kris has been living out of the guest room for a while.

Well, that’s depressing, to say the least.

Adam grimaces. His naked body gets a sudden chill as he retrieves what he’s come for.

Grey Calvin Klein boxer-briefs, socks, and a second pair of jeans are lying in the guest room doorway when Adam returns. Kris is lying on the bed, with his feet on the floor, as he slowly and methodically strokes himself. Dumbstruck, Adam meets his smoldering gaze and sheepishly grins. Kris mutters a wanton, “C’mere,” and Adam’s chest aches. Even with the exhaustion in Kris’s eyes, Adam always wants to feel this unsubtly desired by him.

Adam sets the box of condoms and small vial of KY Silk to the bedside table. He feels Kris’s gaze on him and swallows slowly, trying to forget the sight of the other bedroom, before he turns. Sitting down on the bed, he makes a move toward Kris. Adam is quickly met with a kiss when Kris pushes up on his elbows. Adam smiles against Kris’s mouth and runs his tongue beneath Kris’ lower lip. Kris’s chin tips away with his gasp. Adam leans down and breathes on Kris’s neck as Kris relaxes back to the sheets. Brushing his hand down the sparse trail of curly hair on Kris’s abdomen, Adam rests his hand on Kris’s hardening dick and curls his fingers. Kris whimpers against his cheek.

“You’re sure?,” Adam asks gently.

Kris responds by reaching up to grasp a handful of Adam’s thick hair. “Yes, yes, yes…” His whispers are needy, fleeting.

Their kisses are deep and hurried. Kris is pressed back into the mattress. Adam pulls and drags his hand over Kris. He pauses on every sixth or seventh pass to nuzzle the crease of Kris’s head with his thumb; Kris’s breath catches, every time. Adam feels the cool air of the room ghosting over his back as his body warms with arousal. His hand is soon slick with pre-come, and Kris is whispering incoherently.

Adam stalls his work. His lips press to Kris’s mouth for a brief moment, and puts his hand to Kris’s heaving chest. Kris whines and makes a grab for his arm when he slips away. Adam quickly turns his head, in hopes that Kris won’t hear his shaky breathing. Adam, honestly, cannot believe this is happening. He winces when Kris startles him with a hug from behind.

“Come back,” Kris mutters against his neck, making Adam ache all over. “I want this.”

Wow. Adam can’t help the slightly bewildered laugh. Kris’s urgency makes his heartbeat thud in his head, his throat, his fingers…everywhere. He pulls a condom out of its box and tears it open. Kris suddenly reaches around Adam and walks fingertips along Adam’s erection. Adam’s breath hitches and he groans.

Okay. There has been enough hesitation and foreplay. They need to fuck before one or both of them pops in anticipation.

Turning the condom over in his fingers to check for imperfections, Adam leans back against Kris. Lips press down on Adam’s shoulder and hands grip gently at his hairy chest. Kris’s nasalized breathing sends a thrill up Adam’s spine as he rolls the condom down his length.

“Is it too small?” Kris’s deadpanned mumble puts a smile on Adam’s face.

With a passing chuckle, Adam assures him, “It’s fine,” and tugs lightly on the head of the condom.

“Lay down,” Adam adds with a sigh. “We’re going to go slow from here.”

Kris frowns against his skin. “I don’t want to go slow.” Hips thrust a hard dick against Adam’s back.

Adam winces. “You’ll thank me later, Kris.”

“Maybe,” Kris says under his breath as he slips away to lie down and snuggle himself against the outside of Adam’s thigh.

Reaching down to cup Kris’s face, Adam slowly shakes his head. “You’ll see,” he whispers as Kris kisses his knee.

Kris watches as Adam opens the bottle of lubricant, and dumps a small amount onto his fingers. The bottle is snapped shut and sat back to the bedside table. Adam rubs his fingers together to warm the fluid. He shifts to face Kris and with his clean hand, pulls the knee of Kris’s top leg into his lap. Kris’s fingers anxiously knot in the sheets.

Making a noise of discomfort, Kris bucks when Adam tenderly presses two fingers down his crack. Adam puts a reassuring hand to Kris’s shoulder and breathes out a shushing sound. Kris’s breath stutters as Adam slowly massages him open. Over a minute passes before Adam slips one finger inside of Kris.

“Oh!” Kris’s yelp is weak. He buries his face into a pillow. His body quakes with each stroke as Adam’s fingers gently pull and rub him loose.

Nuzzling Kris’s neck with the back of his hand, “I know,” Adam whispers empathetically. “I know.” Kris is panting when he lifts his face. “You’ll be okay,” Adam quietly promises him.

Kris mouths a few soundless words before edging out, “Let’s just do it.”

“Mmm, no. Wait just a little longer,” Adam mutters. He grips Kris’s shoulder as an anticipatory measure before slipping in a second finger.

Flinching, Kris grunts and squirms. “Now,” he demands. “Now, Adam, now…” His voice dies off with each word as he strains to breathe.

If Adam wasn’t so concerned for Kris’s wellbeing, he would be enjoying this a little more. Kris is hot and quivering to his touch. As Adam curls and slightly scissors his fingers, Kris blindly gropes for him. Adam murmurs appreciatively when fingers knead the meat of his thigh. He brushes the fingers of his free hand over Kris’s pink lips. Kris nips and holds onto a knuckle; Adam’s breath catches.

Suddenly, Kris is rolling his lower body away from Adam’s touch. He kisses the fingertips still grazing his mouth before reaching out to sweep his palm over Adam’s erection. Kris bites down on his lower lip. He meets Adam’s gaze with pleading eyes. Adam feels a compassionate pang in his chest for what seems like the hundredth time that evening.

Adam swallows over the lump that buoys up in this throat. He ignores the hesitation knotting in his gut. “Scoot over,” he whispers. Kris obliges and makes room for Adam to lie down.

Moving slowly, Adam slides on the sheets to drop his head onto a pillow. He puts a hand to Kris’s hip and polishes the edge of Kris’s pelvic bone with his thumb. Kris whimpers and drags himself closer to Adam. An arm digs to hook around Adam’s neck and the other presses into Adam’s ribs. Kris pulls himself upward to hungrily find Adam’s lips. The movement has Kris’s knee nuzzling against Adam’s hip. Their erections touch, making Kris murmur. The shudder of Kris’s lips makes Adam briefly wish to have them on his dick, but for now, that will just have to be a daydream.

“Roll onto your other side,” Adam says against the side of Kris’s mouth. He nudges the hip in his hand. Kris pulls back and his tired expression screws up in confusion.

“Why?,” Kris mumbles. “I want you on top of me.”

Adam hangs his head, and he sighs. “I’m not going to be able to handle looking into your face, if…” you do what I think you’re going to do.

Kris looks mildly offended. “If?”

“I get the feeling,” Adam says as he meets Kris’s gaze with his unblinking one, “that you’re going to push me to fuck you harder than I intend to.”

Shame fills Kris’s eyes before he rolls away from Adam. Grabbing Kris into a hug, Adam pulls Kris back to his chest. Kris clutches at his fingers, hard. Adam winces when he feels Kris’s wedding ring dig into his knuckle. He puts his mouth to the nape of Kris’s neck. “I’m going to take care of you, Kris.”

Kris shifts as his head droops forward, straining to place a kiss on Adam’s fingers. “I know,” he quietly replies.

Sliding his hand out of Kris’s clasp, Adam rubs a hand over Kris’s hip. His fingers slip to knead the tension out of the small of Kris’s back. Adam frowns when Kris shivers. “We don’t have to do this.”

There is the sound of Kris licking his lips before he sidles himself backward to rub against Adam. “If you stall any longer, we’re both going to be limp,” Kris deadpans.

Adam pushes himself up on an elbow to stare down at Kris. He wants to see Kris’s reaction when he says, “This isn’t going to work if you don’t trust me.”

Kris twists his upper body toward Adam. “I do,” he replies. His eyes slide to look side-long at Adam before he earnestly reaches back and rests a hand on Adam’s hip.

“Then, relax.”

There’s resignation in Kris’s eyes when he closes them. He takes a deep, slow breath that heaves his flushed chest. Adam’s free hand presses to the thin, hairy trail on Kris’s abdomen. He leans in to grab Kris’s lips with his own, and breathes Kris into deep kiss, which Kris eagerly returns.

Kris’s breath catches when Adam pumps his erection, twice, before reaching down to grip the back of his skinny thigh. Kris groans when Adam presses quick, messy kisses to his cheek, temple, ear, and neck. Adam moves Kris’s top leg forward. Kris groans, again, as Adam’s cock nuzzles against the sensitive skin behind his sack. Adam watches Kris’s chest jerk with stuttering breaths as he swirls his dick around. He stays his hand when his head catches on Kris’s hole.

“Do it,” Kris edges out and turns his face away, into a pillow.

Adam presses his head inside - eliciting a muffled, strangled cry from Kris. The elbow holding up Adam slips and his face falls against Kris’s hair. Short nails bite and scratch his hip. Kris shudders with each of his quick and shallow breaths. Adam holds himself rock still as he kisses the back of Kris’s neck, which is just as oily as Kris’s hair.

“More,” Kris blurts before he has even calmed.

Tentatively, Adam pushes in a little further, which even makes him wince thanks to Kris’s tight, virginal ass. Kris groans and arches as he clenches around Adam. His legs writhe in the sheets, brushing the calloused soles of his feet against Adam’s shins.

“Shhh,” Adam coos against the back of Kris’s ear. He stalls Kris’s kicking leg with a firm hand. “Breathe, baby, breathe.”

An exhale puffs out of Kris, along with a moan. The hand leaves Adam’s hip to fist in the fitted sheet. Kris calms, and the tension in his ass relents. Adam slowly moves against Kris with subtle, upward rolls of hips that never push him inside of Kris more than a couple inches. Kris groans with each thrust. Adam pushes up on his elbow. Kris murmurs in approval when Adam licks the hard-cut corner of his jaw.

Kris’s breathing becomes labored. Adam assumes he is nearing climax until Kris suddenly shimmies and scrambles backward to force Adam further inside.

“Damn it,” Adam hisses. He grips at Kris’s abdomen and his fingers tense in anger.

Even though he knows Kris wants this to be rough, Adam hoped he could keep it tame. But that plan is, now, shattered, and he is terrified that the sudden move was injurious. Kris doesn’t seem to care, though. He’s already squirming to push himself further onto Adam’s erection - his face contorted in pain. Adam pants and quietly grunts. His body is filled with uncontrollable want, but his chest aches as he dumbly watches Kris grind against him.

This is too much.

Adam grips Kris’s ass with a steady hand. He struggles to hold Kris still for several seconds before Kris’s efforts finally stall.

“What?,” Kris hoarsely rages, spitting the question back over his shoulder as he heaves for breath. “Why the hell are you stopping?”

“You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Oh, shut up! Seriously!” Kris beats his fist against the bed. “I don’t care if I can’t walk tomorrow”

Adam flinches like he’s been slapped. He’s angry with himself for letting his attraction override his judgment. Feeling guilty for leaving Kris hanging, he presses a kiss to Kris’s rigid shoulder. It pains him Kris doesn’t react. He’s glad he can’t see more than the profile of the glare that’s on Kris’s face.

“Kris, this is not how you want to remember your first time.”

“Whatever.”

“You said you trust me,” Adam points out, with another shoulder kiss. “Let me love you. Let me make love to you. Please.”

Kris concedes with a sigh. He relaxes and turns himself further away from Adam, but Adam catches him and pulls him right back. Kris doesn’t put up a struggle and somehow, the apathy hurts Adam more than if Kris had literally thrown an elbow into his gut.

Comprising, Adam fucks Kris, slow and deep. He hides his face in the sweaty crook of Kris’s neck to avoid the temptation of peeking at Kris’s expression. Kris’s body has gone limp and his breathing is shallow. Adam rolls his hips against Kris’s toned ass. His breath stops each time their bodies rub together.

Kris covers the hand on his chest. His fingers dig to lace with Adam’s, and Adam wills himself to ignore the ring scratching against his skin. Letting out a loud moan, Kris arches back. Adam tilts his head out of the way to avoid a whack to his face. Kris’s face is scrunched up in concentration. He whines and nods wildly when Adam whispers, “Almost there?” Adam is mildly startled when Kris’s eyes immediately flutter open. Kris lets out a pained shout as he clenches. Adam’s thrusting stalls. Kris tightens his grip on the fingers in his hand; his mouth hangs agape.

With a relieved sigh, Adam kisses Kris’s jaw and clings tightly to Kris’s chest. It does cross his mind that he’s not quite close enough for an orgasm, but right now, it seems frivolous. He’s too worried about Kris’s health and stability to care. And his entire body goes limp in remorse when Kris hollowly grunts, “Let go.”

“Kris,” Adam quietly begins. He’s rudely cut off when Kris’s shoulder collides with his chin.

Kris struggles free of Adam’s hold. He can’t seem to get away fast enough as he slides off the bed - well, almost. Kris stops at the edge and sits up. He keeps his back to Adam. Wounded, Adam watches as Kris leans forward to drop his face into his hands. His narrow shoulders begin to shudder and soon, Adam hears the devastated sobs. The sounds make Adam’s pulse throb, which stings every joint in his body.

After flexing his, now, aching fingers, Adam moves across the bed - dodging the smear of Kris’s come - to place a hand on Kris’s back. Kris flinches and jerks away from the touch. Adam woefully frowns, but doesn’t hug Kris like he intended. He’s certain he would receive a bashed face in that fight. Sighing, Adam takes a seat next to Kris, on the edge of the bed. He knows he can’t relate to whatever is going on inside of Kris’s head, right now, and resigns himself to waiting for Kris to let him in.

It takes a few minutes, but eventually, Kris’s lifts his face. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly.

Adam’s brow knits. “For what?”

Kris tosses him a red, puffy-eyed look of disbelief. “If my shoulder still hurts, so does your face.”

Well, that’s true…

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Adam replies with a shake of his head. He cautiously places a hand on the nape of Kris’s neck. He’s relieved when it’s not smacked away. “Are you all right?,” he asks in a gentle, concerned tone.

Sniffing, Kris rubs at his eyes and glances away. “Nope,” he quips and bites down on his lower lip. His eyes close when Adam squeezes the back of his neck. “I feel…like crap.”

“You kind of smell like it, too,” Adam adds with a reassuring massage against the base of Kris’s neck.

Kris’s lips twitch, but he doesn’t smile. He sighs and it’s pained. “No, I mean, I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Kris doesn’t pull out of Adam’s hold, but he looks uncomfortable. “It’s like - it’s like I’m cheating on her, you know?,” he stammers. It stings.

Adam lets his hand fall to the bed. He chews his lip. He thought he couldn’t possibly feel worse about himself, tonight, but he was wrong. This is a new low.

Fresh tears are sliding down old tracks when Kris abruptly lunges and clings at Adam. “I should’ve died,” he chokes out against Adam’s collarbone. “Why didn’t I die? I want myself to die.”

Adam feels sick with despair. Grief is sad to see, but the end result of two months of brewed grief is outright ugly. He awkwardly wraps his arms around Kris. His eyes burn; his throat is painfully dry and tight. “I don’t want you to die, Kris.” His tone is quiet and aggrieved. “There are a lot of people who wouldn’t want you to die.”

Kris hiccups a sob. He hugs Adam to the point that Adam can’t breathe. Adam is strangely grateful - it keeps him from crying. “Nope,” Kris says with a slow shake of his head. Adam thinks Kris is agreeing until he adds, “Not if they’d been there.”

Adam doesn’t want to say it - he’s panicked and beyond uncomfortable - but inevitably prompts, “If they had been where?”

“It was so stupid,” Kris confesses. “I was stupid. We were - we were arguing about names and I - I didn’t see him run the light. I should’ve seen him run that light! It’s my fault they’re gone!”

Kris is yelling and shaking and weeping, and Adam can do nothing but sit there and hold him. He’s also not making a whole lot of sense, but Adam knows he’s talking about the night that Katy was killed. A drunk hit the passenger side of their car at just over 50 mph. The driver was still in a coma. Katy didn’t even make it to the hospital. Kris managed to squeak by with a concussion and a dislocated shoulder. It chills Adam to the core to think about, and he shivers.

“She was pregnant. K-Katy was pregnant with our daughter.”

Adam is crying, now. He never knew - no, no one knew that Katy had been pregnant. Well, maybe Kris’s family knows, but Adam did not, until now. It was a sucker punch, slap to the face, and kick to the balls - all at once.

“And that’s not the worst of it.”

Oh my God, how could this get any worse?

“That’s - that’s the last memory Katy has of me,” Kris stammers through his strangling tears. “That’s the last memory I have of her - us fighting, and me telling her to shut up until the kid is born. And then I saw the headlights.” Kris sobs and shakes his head. “She didn’t scream. She didn’t have time to scream.”

Kris crumples forward and collapses against Adam’s chest as he weeps uncontrollably. His face is hot and slobbery on Adam’s skin. Adam clutches Kris and buries his own tear-stained face into Kris’s hair. Breathing in the mixed scent of hair oil, sweat, and the musk of sex, Adam slowly wills himself to not break down. Kris needs him to not break down.

Slowly, Adam’s heart rate nears normal, but he still wants to vomit. Kris has been sitting on this for two months. Adam’s only known for two minutes and he already considers the thought of drinking himself into a stupor to be the best fucking idea, ever. It terrifies him to think that Kris has needed to talk himself down from the same, precarious ledge and done so, repeatedly.

Adam rests his temple to the top of Kris’s head. He blinks wildly before whispering, “Katy knew you loved her, Kris. Everyone could see that you loved her.” He swallows thickly. “And Katy, she’ll always know. She’ll always know that you love her.”

Kris stutters a whimper, and Adam massages his back. With some gentle and nearly unintelligible whispers, Adam convinces Kris to lie down. He knows that Kris desperately needs to get some sleep. Adam uses the already stained sheet to wipe Kris’s abdomen and thighs clean to a point that he’s no longer sticky to the touch. The sheet is then rolled up and tossed away, along with Adam’s condom. Adam sits up to look for the bed’s top blanket. He knowingly winces when Kris possessively grips his wrist.

“Don’t go,” Kris croaks, suddenly sounding like he’s had a ten-year smoking habit.

Adam twists his hand to hold onto Kris’s fingers as he bends and stretches forward to reach for the blanket, which is lying on the floor. He gropes at the air until his fingertips catch on the soft fabric, and he greedily tugs it back to his chest. Letting go of Kris’s hand, Adam turns to throw out the blanket. He gives it a couple flaps so it flutters over Kris. Lifting up an edge, Adam climbs back into the bed. Kris’s arms encircle his hips before he even lies down.

Sighing, Adam settles his head onto a pillow and trades stares with Kris. He hesitantly reaches out to wipe away the remaining traces of tears beneath Kris’s cried-raw eyes. Kris blinks before moving forward to softly kiss Adam’s lips. Adam recoils in shock. Kris’s throat bobs as he timidly swallows.

“That was a thank you,” Kris mumbles.

Adam rests his hand on Kris’s shoulder, which is peeking out from beneath the warm blanket. “For what?,” he asks.

Kris gives him a meek smile. “For listening,” he replies with a shrug.

“I want you to know that I’m always here.” Adam cups Kris’s face.

Kris nods. “For everything.”

Adam murmurs when Kris leans away to kiss his fingertips. “What was that one for?,” Adam asks, rubbing his thumb against Kris’s bottom lip, which always seems to be asking to be bitten.

“Because you’re staying.”

A tender smile crosses Adam’s face. “I’d never walk away from you.”

When Kris kisses his thumb and then his wrist, Adam simply arches one eyebrow.

“For…” Kris timidly chews on his words before saying, “reminding me why I need to live.”

There’s a pang in Adam’s chest that makes his eyes prickle. “I love you, Kris,” he quietly gasps. “I have always loved you.”

Kris’s eyes close and he stutters a breath. “Adam, promise me something,” he whispers and licks his lips.

In response, Adam drags the back of his hand down the stubble on Kris’s cheek and presses his palm to the tight muscle of Kris’s neck.

“Don’t,” Kris’s eyes open, “let me forget her.” He pauses. “Never let me forget her, and no matter what happens to us after today, never let me forget this.”

Adam futilely tries to blink back his tears. “I won’t.”

“And one more thing…” Kris sidles himself forward until their foreheads are touching. His breathing is steady, but Adam can feel the pulse fluttering in his neck. Kris’s eyes flit over Adam’s face. “Kiss me so I know you really want this.”

Blinking, Adam stares at Kris’s mouth as he tries to process the last two hours. He realizes just how much Kris is asking for, right now, and the burden that tomorrow will bring. An ironic smile cracks on Adam’s face as tears trail down his cheeks. Adam slowly shakes his head and leans in to flick his tongue against Kris’s lips. Kris’s hands claw into the flesh of Adam’s back as Adam pulls several rough and breathy kisses out of him.

“Damn, Kris,” Adam whispers when he pauses for breath. He bunches his fingers in the hair at the back of Kris’s head. “I don’t know how, but you’re making me cry and turning me on at the same time.”

Kris gives him a sleepy grin. “Isn’t that why you love me?”

“Oh, babe,” Adam says with a chuckle, “that’s why everyone loves you.” He uses his knuckle to itch underneath Kris’s chin. “Now, get some sleep, so I can wake up with you in my arms.”

“That’s only going to happen if I sleep like a rock.”

Adam exaggeratedly widens his eyes. “You’re going to sleep like…” His voice trails off. Saying “the dead” would be the worst possible word choice. It doesn’t matter, though. Kris’s eyes have already slipped closed.

“Adam?,” Kris’s deep voice prompts seconds after Adam has declared him comatose.

“Hmm?”

Kris snuggles down into the bed and sighs. “Nothing,” Kris murmurs. “I just wanted to hear your voice one more time.”

Soon, Kris’s breathing becomes shallow. Adam slowly pulls out the arm underneath him and folds into Kris’s chest, lacing their fingers together. He’s exhausted, but he can’t help willing himself to stay awake to watch for hints of nightmares as Kris sleeps. Kris never so much as twitches in the twenty minutes it takes for Adam to drift off, too.