Short Story - Blood Red Gaze

[varillus]

So this is my 2 page short story for ma writing class. Don't know why i post it here but so be it. For it has been written. Also, critisism expected.

It is called "Blood Red Gaze"

She lay, staring at the sun, on her back, with her eyes closed, underneath a grand willow tree. She opens her beautiful blood red eyes. The boredom gnawed at her

Comments

[hareki]

Awesome, it's finished.

Okay, now I'll go read the rest. xD

[hareki]

Ha ha, no lie, if I dream about a creepy red-eyed angel tonight, I am blaming you. =D (which, would be awesome [love horror O_O] <3)

Oh and on the way home, I was thinking about that sentence. 'Feminine' would work, too, rather then female. =3

[muddyhandprint]

I like the storm girl. Imagery was pretty good. I think I enjoyed this, all in all-
AND [not but] parts of your grammar still make me want to hit my head against something. I think it's getting better than the last stuff I read, though.

Are you switching verb tenses on purpose? If so... why? If not... I really wish I had a thick red pen and a paper copy.

But meh. /end grammar nazi-ing

I would be unopposed to reading more.

[teishoku]

Second~

I don't really want to add to the hot air already building up in your head, but you definitely have a way with catching a person's attention.

The second up there was agreeing with Jenelle... The tense switching kept distracting me from the actual story itself.

^___^ Awesome job though~~

[varillus]

Thank you editor, i tried to keep the story in present tense but my traditional writing is in past so i ended up switching without thinking of it. I went through it and tried to change it but i must have missed a few.

If you must i can give you a paper copy, but i dont see how it could be any fun :P.

[thiefqueenriyo]

This story shows that you are slightly more female than male.

http://bookblog.net/gender/genie.php