Alicia's Fantasy
Title: Alicia's Fantasy
Author: variousflumps
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Spoilers: Up to 2x23
Rating: R
Summary: Someone's been hiding a fantasy...
Author's note: This takes place six months after Alicia gets a divorce. Oh, and ham sandwichgate never happened. Many, many thanks to sweetjamielee for the encouragement and for writing such wonderful Kalicia fics.
Alicia’s Fantasy
“You know what your problem is?” says Kalinda, pointing her drink stirrer at Alicia’s face.
“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”
“You worry too much.”
Alicia gives her the usual skeptical look. They are on their second drink already, and Kalinda wants to get the timing right. Alicia needs to be drunk enough to be at least potentially receptive; sober enough to make her own decisions.
“Don’t you ever want to just let go? Do something for the hell of it?”
“Like what, join the circus?”
“I mean sex.”
A far more skeptical look.
“You’re completely free and single, and you still won’t let yourself have any fun. How many men have asked you out now? Five? Six?”
Alicia looks embarrassed. “Seven,” she says. “There was a guy at the coffee place this morning.”
“Seven, then. And you haven’t said yes to a single one of them.”
“You want me to sleep with some guy from the coffee place?”
“Sure. If you want to. Did you want to?”
“No. He wouldn’t stop talking about bagels.”
“What about one of the other guys?”
“I don’t know Kalinda, I just don’t…if I wanted to, then maybe I would. I just don’t feel like I want to.”
“Okay. But there must be something that you want. Something that you’ve fantasized about for all these years.”
Alicia looks at her in surprise. “We’re talking about fantasies now?” She lowers her voice a little on the word ‘fantasies’. Kalinda tries not to smile.
“We are. You must have a fantasy. And this is the perfect time to act it out.”
“Kalinda…”
“Come on. It’s only me. You can tell. Tell me your deepest, darkest sexual fantasy.”
“Kalinda…” She’s looking over her shoulder, as if the guy ten feet away at the bar can hear every word.
“There must be something. You know what? I’ll think of something, and then you just say yes or no. Okay?”
“No.”
“How about…voyeurism?”
“What? No!”
“Threesomes?”
“No!”
“Exhibitionism?”
“No.”
“Sadomasochism?”
“No.”
“Hardcore bondage?”
That gets her a stern look.
“Softcore bondage?”
A slightly less stern look. And that’s interesting…Alicia looks away almost immediately. She files that reaction away to be analyzed later.
“Bestiality?”
“Kalinda!”
“I was just checking that you were paying attention. No sheep. Got it.”
Alicia’s smiling despite herself. This is the moment.
“Women?”
Alicia’s smile fades. She looks around the bar for a moment, then down at her drink. The longer the pause continues, the quicker Kalinda’s heart beats.
“What…exactly are we talking about here?”
“We’re talking about fantasies.”
“Every woman fantasizes about women at some point.”
“We’re talking about your fantasies.”
A pause.
“I’ve thought about it, like every other woman has.” She’s not making eye contact.
“How often have you thought about it?”
“I… I don’t know.”
She has to be careful here. Alicia is clearly out of her comfort zone, and she looks about ready to bolt. But then, subtlety about sex has never been Kalinda’s strong point.
“Does it turn you on to think about it?”
“Kalinda…” It’s said like a warning, like she’s dangerously close to the line. She knows she is, but there’s no way she can back away now. Maybe a change of tactic is in order though.
“You’re very beautiful.”
Alicia stares at her, as if no one had ever told her that before.
“I…thank you. But what’s that go to do with…” For a drop-dead gorgeous woman, she has a ridiculously tiny ego.
“You could have any woman you wanted. If you wanted.”
Alicia’s started to play with her napkin, folding the corners over, stroking the edges.“Thanks, but I really don’t think…that’s an option.”
“Why not?”
“Because…because I can’t just start dating women.”
“I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about sex. And you can do anything you want to do.”
“So, what? I’d go to a gay club and pick up a woman and take her home with me? You can see me doing that?”
Kalinda’s not surprised that Alicia would see finding a female lover as beyond her. She’s so conservative sometimes, so trapped in her proper little world. But there’s anger in the question too, a suggestion that Alicia is frustrated by her own boundaries and wants to escape them.
Time to lay her cards on the table.
“No. You’d come home with me.”
Alicia freezes. Stares at her. Takes a sip from her drink, then another. The bar feels like the quietest place Kalinda’s ever been in, and she’s sure that the thumping of her heart is audible. She waits for Alicia to respond, and promises herself that she won’t try to change her mind if she says no.
A minute passes. Alicia folds one corner of her napkin, unfolds it, smooths it down, sits still for a second, and then folds it again. Kalinda watches and waits.
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Say yes.”
Jesus, Kalinda thinks. I’ll be begging in a minute. Saying please.
A pause. Alicia folds another corner and stares at her handiwork. Kalinda can’t interpret the look on her face. She’s nervous, but beyond that, who knows.
“Why do you want me to say yes?”
That throws her a little. Isn’t it obvious? But that must be the point - Alicia wants to hear it. That tiny ego, again. She doesn’t quite believe that she’s desirable.
“Because I want you.”
Kalinda's heart is still hammering in her chest as she tries to keep her nerves from showing on her face. It feels…freeing, somehow, to finally say the words aloud, but at the back of her mind there’s fear too. There are very few things she’s afraid of, but losing Alicia’s friendship is definitely one of them.
Her bravery seems to have paid off though, as she’s earnt a deep breath from Alicia, an unconscious lick of the lips. Alicia’s not meeting her eyes, although that could be good or bad. Too soon to tell.
“I didn’t know. I mean, that you felt that way…about me.”
“Now you do.”
“Why didn’t you tell…” She stops. Because you were married. That one’s clear.
“I’ve never been with a woman.” Alicia’s thinking about it, imagining what they would do together, wondering what Kalinda would want. Kalinda feels a little light-headed, takes a sip of her drink. Which doesn’t help.
“I know.”
“So what if…I mean, what if I couldn’t…”
“You know what I’d want you to do?”
“What?”
“Nothing except come for me.”
Alicia looks up at her sharply, and for a horrible second Kalinda thinks she’s gone way too far. Until Alicia’s shock fades, and her expression changes to one of…desire. She knows desire when she sees it, and she’s just seen it on Alicia Florrick’s lovely face.
Alicia must know it too, as a blush is rising on her neck, and she’s staring once again at her drink. Check, thinks Kalinda. Your move.
She waits. Looks around, tries to give Alicia a little space to make her decision. She watches a man read his newspaper, and when he looks up and catches her eye she watches the bartender instead. She sneaks a look at Alicia, who is sitting stock still in her chair. You deserve so much pleasure, she thinks. Let me give it to you. Just for one night, just go after what you want and to hell with tomorrow.
Alicia raises her gaze. Kalinda’s heart races all over again.
“Okay,” says Alicia.
“Are you sure?”
For fuck’s sake, Kalinda thinks, what the Jesus H Christ did you say that for, don’t argue with the woman.
“Yes. But nervous.”
“Nerves are fine. I can help you with nerves.” Kalinda smiles at her, and Alicia tentatively smiles back. Kalinda wonders who is going to help her with her own nerves, whether she might be having a minor heart attack. Buries the thought. Says, “Let’s go.”
She leads Alicia outside and finds a cab. Out in the moonlight Alicia looks pale and scared, and they are silent in the car, staring out of opposite windows.
When they arrive at Kalinda’s apartment Alicia follows her to the elevator, which they share with two young guys who don’t bother to hide their stares. Kalinda wants to tell them that Alicia’s with her. She’s taken. She’s mine.
They reach Kalinda’s apartment. “You want a drink?”
“Um, no, thanks, I’m good.”
Alicia is looking round her place. Kalinda would usually hate this, someone gazing at her stuff, nosing around her space. She doesn’t hate it now.
But Alicia still looks scared.
“You want a safe word?”
“Sorry?”
“A safe word. You want one?” Kalinda grins at her, trying to lighten the mood, but Alicia’s face tells her that she thinks she’s making fun of her. Shit. She goes over to her, stands as close as she dares.
“Look, Alicia…there’s nothing that we could do tonight that I’ll enjoy if you’re not enjoying it too, okay? You say stop, and we stop. We won’t even start if you don’t want to. It’s your choice, I promise. Whatever you want.”
And that’s better, but she still looks tense. Again, maybe it’s time for a change of tactic. She takes a step closer to Alicia until she’s just a few inches away. She looks into her eyes, places her hand on Alicia’s cheek, leans forward, and kisses her gently on the mouth, once, twice, and on the third kiss she feels Alicia lean into her a little.
There’s absolute silence in the apartment, absolute quiet, except for the hammering of Kalinda’s heart. Alicia’s soft, and yielding, and so warm, and all Kalinda can think is Don’t ask me to stop, don’t ask me.
She kisses her again, a little harder this time, and Alicia leans in further. And again, harder still, brushing her tongue against Alicia’s lips, gaining entrance to her mouth, exploring. Alicia’s responding, softly, carefully, but she’s definitely responding.
Kalinda pulls back, a little out of breath. “More?”
Alicia nods slightly. Kalinda leans in again, and this time she feels Alicia’s hand sneak around her waist, and the other at the back of her neck. When she hears Alicia moan quietly for the first time she loses some of her self-control and lets loose a part of the passion she is feeling, pulling Alicia tighter to her body, and that earns her another moan.
They kiss, and kiss, and kiss. By the time they break away, they’re both breathless. It takes a few moments before Alicia opens her eyes, and when she does she looks more beautiful than Kalinda’s ever seen her before.
“More?”
Alicia nods. Kalinda takes her hand and leads her to the bedroom.
She turns on the bedside lamp, Alicia’s hand still in hers. Alicia takes a look around the room, but there’s not much to see - she likes minimalism and order, and there’s a large bed and a few bits of furniture and not much else.
“You have a nice place.”
“Not as nice as yours.”
Alicia smiles her thanks. Kalinda lets go of her hand, moves closer to her. Puts her fingers on the first button of her shirt. Looks at Alicia, asking for permission. When she gets a small nod, she slowly opens the button, and then the second, and the third.
“Kalinda?”
She stills her fingers. “Yes?”
“Did you start that conversation, tonight…did you start that so that we’d…end up here?”
“I...was hoping. Yes. Is that okay?”
“How did you know?”
“That you’d say yes?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t. Just hoped.”
“But you suspected.”
Kalinda smiles at her. Is Alicia worried that she’s been obvious in her attraction? She hasn’t, but Kalinda has been watching her so carefully for so long that she’s seen enough to at least hope.
“No. Not really. But like you said, it’s a very common fantasy.” She places her fingers on button number four, silently asks for permission again. Gets it. Opens all of the remaining buttons. She checks Alicia’s face.
“I’m still nervous.”
“Kissing seemed to help that last time. You think that might work again?”
“Maybe.”
She kisses Alicia once more, sliding her hand under the top of her shirt and slowly slipping it from her shoulders. When they pull apart she unbuttons her own shirt, takes it off and drops it on the floor. Her bra follows. She notices with affection that Alicia has shyly turned her eyes away and is studying her bedside table.
“Look at me. I want you to look.”
Alicia does, first into her eyes, and then at her breasts. There’s desire in her eyes, but also uncertainty. Kalinda swears to herself that before this night is out she will have made Alicia stop worrying, made her lose herself in pleasure.
She moves into Alicia again, reaching around her to unfasten her bra and slide it away from her body. She’s so beautiful. Kalinda kisses her on the lips, the neck, and works her way down her body until she can take a nipple in her mouth. Alice utters a small gasp as she does so, and another as she tenderly strokes the other nipple with her hand.
For a while she doesn’t feel like moving, until the start of a crick in her neck reminds her that they’d be more comfortable lying down. She undoes her skirt and consigns it to the floor with the rest of her clothes. Places a hand on the top of Alicia’s pants, undoes the button and then the zip, and slips them down Alicia’s legs for her to step out of.
They’re down to just panties, and Kalinda is struck with a longing to feel Alicia’s skin against her own. She takes her hand again and leads her until she is lying on the bed. She lies down right beside her, propped on one elbow, and then moves so that she is hovering just above Alicia’s body.
She feels a hand on her back pulling her down, and then there’s silkiness and velvet and a quiet moan in her ear and so much heat. Alicia has closed her eyes.
“Feel good?” Kalinda asks, barely recognizing her own voice.
Without opening her eyes, Alicia nods. Kalinda doesn’t usually like to talk when she’s having sex, but she wants to hear Alicia’s pleasure as much as she wants to see it. She wants to be surrounded by her pleasure. Consumed.
She kisses Alicia gently on the mouth, and then starts to descend, kissing along the lovely line of her neck, between her breasts, and down to her stomach.
Everything about this night feels new, different. She’s keenly aware of what the biggest difference is for her, but there’s something else too. She usually sleeps with people who are so confident in bed, experienced and sure of themselves. Alicia’s nervous excitement seems so sexy in comparison - she’s trying to keep control, trying to rein herself in. Kalinda’s going to make her give up all of her control.
She licks Alicia’s belly button, her stomach, and then up to her breasts, spending long, long minutes just licking her nipples, with soft, teasing strokes of her tongue. She can’t see Alicia’s reactions, but she can hear them - she’s moving beneath her now, her breath quickened, and she’s moaning almost inaudibly.
Kalinda wants a louder moan. With her mouth still at Alicia’s breasts, torturing the now rock hard nipples, she reaches one hand down to brush against the inside of Alicia’s thigh, and then, when there’s no protest, the outside of her panties. When she cups her sex more firmly, her hand against the burning wetness that she finds there, she’s rewarded with the first proper, uninhibited moan of the night. She immediately wants another.
There are so many things that she would normally do to a lover, so many ways to make a woman come, but tonight she wants to play it safe. She takes her mouth away from Alicia’s breasts for long enough to see the wonderful sight of Alicia’s flushed face, half-lidded eyes and the rapid rise and fall of her chest. Unable to control herself, Kalinda kisses her deeply, and is thrilled when Alicia kisses back with equal passion.
She doesn’t know how long they kiss for. Alicia’s hands are on her back and in her hair, her legs are entwining with hers. When they eventually break the kiss Kalinda loses some of her own control, and removes Alicia’s panties. She has the presence of mind to make one last quick check of Alicia’s face, and all she sees is desire. She slides her fingers along Alicia’s entrance, and then slips inside, and the groan that comes from Alicia as a result turns her on so much she has to will herself to keep calm.
Slowly, gently, she touches Alicia, building a rhythm that is almost teasing in its gradual climb. Alicia begins to move her hips to meet her hand, press her head back into the pillow and arch her neck, and she doesn’t know where to look: she wants to watch Alicia’s hips and her face at the same time. Alicia’s eyes close again, and there are moans mixed with gasps mixed with groans.
On the next stroke she barely grazes Alicia’s clit with her thumb, and Alicia strains her hips to meet her hand. She uses a firmer touch then, an incrementally faster rhythm, and Alicia swears under her breath, a look of total, abandoned pleasure on her face. Kalinda continues touching her for long, delicious moments, watching her, memorizing everything. She’s as wet as her lover is, and Alicia has barely touched her.
When Alicia’s groans and movements show she’s close, Kalinda can’t resist stopping dead. She wants her to ask for it, beg for it. Give up all control and ask to be fucked.
And Alicia does without a pause, in a strained, desperate voice, “Please don’t stop, please, please,” and usually Kalinda would wait longer, usually she’d try to torture her lover a little, but she’s too impatient tonight, she’s so far gone herself. She restarts the rhythm, but faster this time, a little harder, and Alicia moans so loudly it makes Kalinda moan too from just the sound of it.
A few moments of this, a calm before the storm, and then Alicia throws her head back against the pillow, cries “Jesus, oh my God”, and shudders as she surrenders to her orgasm. Kalinda can’t tear her eyes away, can’t bear to take her hand away. It’s easily the best orgasm she’s ever given, the best she’s ever seen.
As Alicia’s breathing slowly returns to normal, Kalinda waits, in awe of her beauty, but also planning her next move. She has to taste Alicia tonight, she has to. If this is her only chance and she doesn’t take it she’ll never forgive herself.
Eventually Alicia opens her eyes and meets Kalinda’s gaze. Kalinda still has her hand between her legs, and is half-lying across her body.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” Alicia’s voice croaks, and she clears her throat and tries again. “Hi.”
Kalinda smiles widely at her. Alicia’s hair is wild on the pillow and she’s flushed and perspiring and gorgeous.
“You okay?”
Alicia nods, smiles tentatively. Kalinda can see a trace of nerves start to creep back into her eyes.
“You know what’s going to happen now?”
Alicia shakes her head.
“We’re going to rest for a little bit. And then, we’ll go again.” She grins at Alicia cheekily, and gets a proper full-blooded laugh in return for her confidence. Kalinda finds herself staring into her eyes for a little too long and starts a slow survey of her body in order to avoid her gaze. She finally removes her hand from between Alicia’s legs and hears a small “Oh” from Alicia. She wants to lick her fingers but restrains herself.
“Kalinda?”
“Mm?”
“Have you always…you know. I mean, since we first met, or…”
“Yep. Since we met.”
“Really?”
“Really. You know, for someone who’s been asked out seven times in six months you have a ridiculously small ego.”
Silence.
Kalinda looks up at Alicia’s face, and there’s such sadness there that she replays the comment in her head over and over. Surely that was a compliment?
“What is it?” she whispers. “What’s the matter?”
After a short silence, Alicia says, “When your husband decides that sleeping with a hooker is preferable to sleeping with you, it…changes you.”
Jesus, what an asshole, what a complete and total bastard. She wants to punch him in the face, stab a knife through his heart.
“Listen to me. Your ex-husband is insane. He didn’t have an affair, Alicia, he had a stupid little mid-life crisis.”
She can see that she hasn’t quite got through to her. She can’t bear the thought of her pain.
“Alicia…you were way too good for that guy. It was all about him, not you. If you were…”
“If I was what?”
“I…nothing.”
“Kalinda? What were you going to say?”
“It’s nothing.” She’s dismayed to see discomfort back on Alicia’s face, only worse this time, as if she thinks she’s being lied to. She decides that the only way out is brazen.
“I was going to say…if you were mine, I would never have wanted anyone else.” She summons up the cockiest, sexiest smile she can muster so that it’s clear that she’s only talking about sex, and is relieved to see a slow smile spread across Alicia’s lovely face.
“Is that right?”
“Mm-hmm.”
There’s quiet for a moment. Kalinda weighs her options, wonders whether Alicia will freak out if she tries to go down on her.
“What are you thinking about?” asks Alicia.
Usually Kalinda hates that question with a passion, and just avoids answering or lies. She doesn’t want to lie tonight.
“I was thinking about…what you might let me do to you next.”
Alicia’s eyes widen - she obviously wasn’t expecting such a direct answer. She should know better by now.
“I…uh…what I might let you do?”
“Yeah. I mean, we established that you have very strict limits on your fantasies…”
“What! That’s not true!”
“Yes it is. I can’t tie you up, I can’t spank you, I can’t bring in a friend to watch…there’s hardly anything left, Alicia.”
Alicia grins at her, a sparkle in her eye. “Those are not strict limits, and you know it. When have you ever done any of those things?”
Kalinda just raises an eyebrow. Alicia laughs.
“Okay, okay, you’re not a fair test. There are plenty of things we can do that don’t involve that kind of stuff.”
Kalinda pounces. “Like what?”
Alicia blushes, having fallen into the trap. “I…you know…lots of things.”
“Tell me something that you’d like me to do to you.”
“Kalinda…”
“Please, Alicia. I want to make you happy.”
Alicia looks at her curiously. Damn. But it’s only the truth. She holds Alicia’s gaze.
“Tell me something that you fantasized about doing with a woman.”
Alicia searches her eyes for a moment, takes a breath, and says, “Touching her. Touching you.”
That isn’t what Kalinda wants to hear. In every fantasy she’s ever had about Alicia, she’s the aggressor, always. She leaves her exhausted and satisfied and thoroughly fucked. She never thinks about anything else.
“That’s not what you want?” Shit, Alicia looks worried again. Kalinda has no idea how to get out of this one without making her feel rejected. She can’t bear to hurt her.
“Of course it is. But you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”
“I know. You might have to…guide me a little.”
“I can do that.”
Silence. Nobody moves. “You might have to get off me too.” Alicia smiles shyly at her, and Kalinda gives her a mock glare and moves so that she’s lying beside her. Her heart has begun to beat furiously, and her palms are sweating.
Alicia props herself on one elbow and looks down at her. She uses her left hand to trace a soft, gentle path from Kalinda’s face, to her neck, to her breastbone, to her stomach. Kalinda braces herself against the tenderness.
“You look a little nervous all of a sudden.”
“I don’t get nervous.”
“No?” She’s smiling.
“No.”
Alicia’s still tracing patterns on her body, gazing at her. She whispers, “You’re so soft,” in a tone of amazement, and Kalinda would usually laugh at that, make a joke about straight girls and their ignorance, but she’s finding it hard to breathe.
When Alicia leans down to kiss her neck, Kalinda knows with a horrible certainty that she is not about to be fucked. Alicia’s going to make love to her.
She’s kissing her again and again, featherlight kisses that she can hardly feel, and yet she can’t feel anything else. Now she’s kissing her on the mouth, sensuous, deep, slow. Now she’s kissing her breasts, her nipples. Kalinda’s so worked up from touching Alicia that she knows she’s not going to last long.
Alicia holds her gaze for a moment and whispers “Show me?” Kalinda takes her hand and guides it between her legs, and watches in fascination as Alicia’s eyes close at the feeling of her. The first few gentle strokes of her hand are timid and a little clumsy, and Kalinda guides her a little more, a little more, and then suddenly she’s right there, right there, and Kalinda cries out for the first time.
She can feel Alicia’s eyes on her as she breathes harder and harder and fails to stop the steady stream of moans that come from her throat. It’s just sex, she thinks, just missionary position, vanilla sex, and you’ve done this a thousand times.
“Kalinda. Look at me.”
So she does. Alicia looks so intensely at her that Kalinda swears she sees all of her secrets. Alicia’s gentle hand increases its speed, and she leans down to kiss her. She whispers in her ear “Kalinda, Kalinda,” kisses her tenderly on the cheek, smiles a radiant smile at her. It’s all too much, too much for her, and Kalinda comes helplessly, body arching, trying and failing to suppress a keening moan.
Alicia takes her hand away too soon. Kalinda keeps her eyes closed, panting, and then finds that she can’t resist when Alicia pulls her into her arms. She lies with her head on Alicia’s chest and listens to her heartbeat, and is grateful that they are both perspiring because the sweat hides her tears.
“That was easy,” says Alicia.
Kalinda can’t help it. She laughs. They both laugh. And then they sleep.
***
Kalinda wakes up in Alicia’s arms, wrapped securely in her embrace, and so she immediately gets up, and this wakes her sleepy lover.
Once they are both up, they are…quiet. Polite. Careful. She’s given Alicia towels and a spare toothbrush and coffee. Alicia seems fine; not relaxed, exactly, but definitely not panicking. Even a little happy, maybe, a little thrilled, as if she’s crossed off a fantasy from her list and feels proud of her bravery. Kalinda’s glad she could at least give her that.
Kalinda’s miserable.
She watches as Alicia drains the last few mouthfuls from her coffee mug and then washes it out, placing it carefully on the drainer. Low maintenance, she thinks. Easy to please. To live with. To...
Alicia says, “Well. I’d better make a move.” Kalinda nods, gets up, and walks her to the door.
“I…whatever happens, Kalinda…I mean…I had a lovely time last night.”
“Me too.” She forces a smile, and tries very hard not to flinch when Alicia kisses her softly on the cheek, and then, unexpectedly, tenderly, on the mouth.
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
And she’s gone.
Kalinda sits on the couch and drinks her coffee. She thinks about wetness and warmth and skin and moans. She thinks about the washed coffee mug on the drainer. She thinks about being touched.
The loud knock on the door makes her spill coffee down her shirt. Her first thought is that Alicia’s forgotten something - her bag, her phone. But she’d already checked the bedroom. It’s not that. Not that.
Her second thought is to hide. She sits silently, and waits to be left alone.
“Kalinda?”
She can’t ignore her. She stands up. Sits down again. Hates herself. Rubs the coffee stain and makes it worse. Stands up, walks ten feet, steels herself, and opens the door.
Author: variousflumps
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Spoilers: Up to 2x23
Rating: R
Summary: Someone's been hiding a fantasy...
Author's note: This takes place six months after Alicia gets a divorce. Oh, and ham sandwichgate never happened. Many, many thanks to sweetjamielee for the encouragement and for writing such wonderful Kalicia fics.
Alicia’s Fantasy
“You know what your problem is?” says Kalinda, pointing her drink stirrer at Alicia’s face.
“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”
“You worry too much.”
Alicia gives her the usual skeptical look. They are on their second drink already, and Kalinda wants to get the timing right. Alicia needs to be drunk enough to be at least potentially receptive; sober enough to make her own decisions.
“Don’t you ever want to just let go? Do something for the hell of it?”
“Like what, join the circus?”
“I mean sex.”
A far more skeptical look.
“You’re completely free and single, and you still won’t let yourself have any fun. How many men have asked you out now? Five? Six?”
Alicia looks embarrassed. “Seven,” she says. “There was a guy at the coffee place this morning.”
“Seven, then. And you haven’t said yes to a single one of them.”
“You want me to sleep with some guy from the coffee place?”
“Sure. If you want to. Did you want to?”
“No. He wouldn’t stop talking about bagels.”
“What about one of the other guys?”
“I don’t know Kalinda, I just don’t…if I wanted to, then maybe I would. I just don’t feel like I want to.”
“Okay. But there must be something that you want. Something that you’ve fantasized about for all these years.”
Alicia looks at her in surprise. “We’re talking about fantasies now?” She lowers her voice a little on the word ‘fantasies’. Kalinda tries not to smile.
“We are. You must have a fantasy. And this is the perfect time to act it out.”
“Kalinda…”
“Come on. It’s only me. You can tell. Tell me your deepest, darkest sexual fantasy.”
“Kalinda…” She’s looking over her shoulder, as if the guy ten feet away at the bar can hear every word.
“There must be something. You know what? I’ll think of something, and then you just say yes or no. Okay?”
“No.”
“How about…voyeurism?”
“What? No!”
“Threesomes?”
“No!”
“Exhibitionism?”
“No.”
“Sadomasochism?”
“No.”
“Hardcore bondage?”
That gets her a stern look.
“Softcore bondage?”
A slightly less stern look. And that’s interesting…Alicia looks away almost immediately. She files that reaction away to be analyzed later.
“Bestiality?”
“Kalinda!”
“I was just checking that you were paying attention. No sheep. Got it.”
Alicia’s smiling despite herself. This is the moment.
“Women?”
Alicia’s smile fades. She looks around the bar for a moment, then down at her drink. The longer the pause continues, the quicker Kalinda’s heart beats.
“What…exactly are we talking about here?”
“We’re talking about fantasies.”
“Every woman fantasizes about women at some point.”
“We’re talking about your fantasies.”
A pause.
“I’ve thought about it, like every other woman has.” She’s not making eye contact.
“How often have you thought about it?”
“I… I don’t know.”
She has to be careful here. Alicia is clearly out of her comfort zone, and she looks about ready to bolt. But then, subtlety about sex has never been Kalinda’s strong point.
“Does it turn you on to think about it?”
“Kalinda…” It’s said like a warning, like she’s dangerously close to the line. She knows she is, but there’s no way she can back away now. Maybe a change of tactic is in order though.
“You’re very beautiful.”
Alicia stares at her, as if no one had ever told her that before.
“I…thank you. But what’s that go to do with…” For a drop-dead gorgeous woman, she has a ridiculously tiny ego.
“You could have any woman you wanted. If you wanted.”
Alicia’s started to play with her napkin, folding the corners over, stroking the edges.“Thanks, but I really don’t think…that’s an option.”
“Why not?”
“Because…because I can’t just start dating women.”
“I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about sex. And you can do anything you want to do.”
“So, what? I’d go to a gay club and pick up a woman and take her home with me? You can see me doing that?”
Kalinda’s not surprised that Alicia would see finding a female lover as beyond her. She’s so conservative sometimes, so trapped in her proper little world. But there’s anger in the question too, a suggestion that Alicia is frustrated by her own boundaries and wants to escape them.
Time to lay her cards on the table.
“No. You’d come home with me.”
Alicia freezes. Stares at her. Takes a sip from her drink, then another. The bar feels like the quietest place Kalinda’s ever been in, and she’s sure that the thumping of her heart is audible. She waits for Alicia to respond, and promises herself that she won’t try to change her mind if she says no.
A minute passes. Alicia folds one corner of her napkin, unfolds it, smooths it down, sits still for a second, and then folds it again. Kalinda watches and waits.
“I don’t know what to say to that.”
“Say yes.”
Jesus, Kalinda thinks. I’ll be begging in a minute. Saying please.
A pause. Alicia folds another corner and stares at her handiwork. Kalinda can’t interpret the look on her face. She’s nervous, but beyond that, who knows.
“Why do you want me to say yes?”
That throws her a little. Isn’t it obvious? But that must be the point - Alicia wants to hear it. That tiny ego, again. She doesn’t quite believe that she’s desirable.
“Because I want you.”
Kalinda's heart is still hammering in her chest as she tries to keep her nerves from showing on her face. It feels…freeing, somehow, to finally say the words aloud, but at the back of her mind there’s fear too. There are very few things she’s afraid of, but losing Alicia’s friendship is definitely one of them.
Her bravery seems to have paid off though, as she’s earnt a deep breath from Alicia, an unconscious lick of the lips. Alicia’s not meeting her eyes, although that could be good or bad. Too soon to tell.
“I didn’t know. I mean, that you felt that way…about me.”
“Now you do.”
“Why didn’t you tell…” She stops. Because you were married. That one’s clear.
“I’ve never been with a woman.” Alicia’s thinking about it, imagining what they would do together, wondering what Kalinda would want. Kalinda feels a little light-headed, takes a sip of her drink. Which doesn’t help.
“I know.”
“So what if…I mean, what if I couldn’t…”
“You know what I’d want you to do?”
“What?”
“Nothing except come for me.”
Alicia looks up at her sharply, and for a horrible second Kalinda thinks she’s gone way too far. Until Alicia’s shock fades, and her expression changes to one of…desire. She knows desire when she sees it, and she’s just seen it on Alicia Florrick’s lovely face.
Alicia must know it too, as a blush is rising on her neck, and she’s staring once again at her drink. Check, thinks Kalinda. Your move.
She waits. Looks around, tries to give Alicia a little space to make her decision. She watches a man read his newspaper, and when he looks up and catches her eye she watches the bartender instead. She sneaks a look at Alicia, who is sitting stock still in her chair. You deserve so much pleasure, she thinks. Let me give it to you. Just for one night, just go after what you want and to hell with tomorrow.
Alicia raises her gaze. Kalinda’s heart races all over again.
“Okay,” says Alicia.
“Are you sure?”
For fuck’s sake, Kalinda thinks, what the Jesus H Christ did you say that for, don’t argue with the woman.
“Yes. But nervous.”
“Nerves are fine. I can help you with nerves.” Kalinda smiles at her, and Alicia tentatively smiles back. Kalinda wonders who is going to help her with her own nerves, whether she might be having a minor heart attack. Buries the thought. Says, “Let’s go.”
She leads Alicia outside and finds a cab. Out in the moonlight Alicia looks pale and scared, and they are silent in the car, staring out of opposite windows.
When they arrive at Kalinda’s apartment Alicia follows her to the elevator, which they share with two young guys who don’t bother to hide their stares. Kalinda wants to tell them that Alicia’s with her. She’s taken. She’s mine.
They reach Kalinda’s apartment. “You want a drink?”
“Um, no, thanks, I’m good.”
Alicia is looking round her place. Kalinda would usually hate this, someone gazing at her stuff, nosing around her space. She doesn’t hate it now.
But Alicia still looks scared.
“You want a safe word?”
“Sorry?”
“A safe word. You want one?” Kalinda grins at her, trying to lighten the mood, but Alicia’s face tells her that she thinks she’s making fun of her. Shit. She goes over to her, stands as close as she dares.
“Look, Alicia…there’s nothing that we could do tonight that I’ll enjoy if you’re not enjoying it too, okay? You say stop, and we stop. We won’t even start if you don’t want to. It’s your choice, I promise. Whatever you want.”
And that’s better, but she still looks tense. Again, maybe it’s time for a change of tactic. She takes a step closer to Alicia until she’s just a few inches away. She looks into her eyes, places her hand on Alicia’s cheek, leans forward, and kisses her gently on the mouth, once, twice, and on the third kiss she feels Alicia lean into her a little.
There’s absolute silence in the apartment, absolute quiet, except for the hammering of Kalinda’s heart. Alicia’s soft, and yielding, and so warm, and all Kalinda can think is Don’t ask me to stop, don’t ask me.
She kisses her again, a little harder this time, and Alicia leans in further. And again, harder still, brushing her tongue against Alicia’s lips, gaining entrance to her mouth, exploring. Alicia’s responding, softly, carefully, but she’s definitely responding.
Kalinda pulls back, a little out of breath. “More?”
Alicia nods slightly. Kalinda leans in again, and this time she feels Alicia’s hand sneak around her waist, and the other at the back of her neck. When she hears Alicia moan quietly for the first time she loses some of her self-control and lets loose a part of the passion she is feeling, pulling Alicia tighter to her body, and that earns her another moan.
They kiss, and kiss, and kiss. By the time they break away, they’re both breathless. It takes a few moments before Alicia opens her eyes, and when she does she looks more beautiful than Kalinda’s ever seen her before.
“More?”
Alicia nods. Kalinda takes her hand and leads her to the bedroom.
She turns on the bedside lamp, Alicia’s hand still in hers. Alicia takes a look around the room, but there’s not much to see - she likes minimalism and order, and there’s a large bed and a few bits of furniture and not much else.
“You have a nice place.”
“Not as nice as yours.”
Alicia smiles her thanks. Kalinda lets go of her hand, moves closer to her. Puts her fingers on the first button of her shirt. Looks at Alicia, asking for permission. When she gets a small nod, she slowly opens the button, and then the second, and the third.
“Kalinda?”
She stills her fingers. “Yes?”
“Did you start that conversation, tonight…did you start that so that we’d…end up here?”
“I...was hoping. Yes. Is that okay?”
“How did you know?”
“That you’d say yes?”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t. Just hoped.”
“But you suspected.”
Kalinda smiles at her. Is Alicia worried that she’s been obvious in her attraction? She hasn’t, but Kalinda has been watching her so carefully for so long that she’s seen enough to at least hope.
“No. Not really. But like you said, it’s a very common fantasy.” She places her fingers on button number four, silently asks for permission again. Gets it. Opens all of the remaining buttons. She checks Alicia’s face.
“I’m still nervous.”
“Kissing seemed to help that last time. You think that might work again?”
“Maybe.”
She kisses Alicia once more, sliding her hand under the top of her shirt and slowly slipping it from her shoulders. When they pull apart she unbuttons her own shirt, takes it off and drops it on the floor. Her bra follows. She notices with affection that Alicia has shyly turned her eyes away and is studying her bedside table.
“Look at me. I want you to look.”
Alicia does, first into her eyes, and then at her breasts. There’s desire in her eyes, but also uncertainty. Kalinda swears to herself that before this night is out she will have made Alicia stop worrying, made her lose herself in pleasure.
She moves into Alicia again, reaching around her to unfasten her bra and slide it away from her body. She’s so beautiful. Kalinda kisses her on the lips, the neck, and works her way down her body until she can take a nipple in her mouth. Alice utters a small gasp as she does so, and another as she tenderly strokes the other nipple with her hand.
For a while she doesn’t feel like moving, until the start of a crick in her neck reminds her that they’d be more comfortable lying down. She undoes her skirt and consigns it to the floor with the rest of her clothes. Places a hand on the top of Alicia’s pants, undoes the button and then the zip, and slips them down Alicia’s legs for her to step out of.
They’re down to just panties, and Kalinda is struck with a longing to feel Alicia’s skin against her own. She takes her hand again and leads her until she is lying on the bed. She lies down right beside her, propped on one elbow, and then moves so that she is hovering just above Alicia’s body.
She feels a hand on her back pulling her down, and then there’s silkiness and velvet and a quiet moan in her ear and so much heat. Alicia has closed her eyes.
“Feel good?” Kalinda asks, barely recognizing her own voice.
Without opening her eyes, Alicia nods. Kalinda doesn’t usually like to talk when she’s having sex, but she wants to hear Alicia’s pleasure as much as she wants to see it. She wants to be surrounded by her pleasure. Consumed.
She kisses Alicia gently on the mouth, and then starts to descend, kissing along the lovely line of her neck, between her breasts, and down to her stomach.
Everything about this night feels new, different. She’s keenly aware of what the biggest difference is for her, but there’s something else too. She usually sleeps with people who are so confident in bed, experienced and sure of themselves. Alicia’s nervous excitement seems so sexy in comparison - she’s trying to keep control, trying to rein herself in. Kalinda’s going to make her give up all of her control.
She licks Alicia’s belly button, her stomach, and then up to her breasts, spending long, long minutes just licking her nipples, with soft, teasing strokes of her tongue. She can’t see Alicia’s reactions, but she can hear them - she’s moving beneath her now, her breath quickened, and she’s moaning almost inaudibly.
Kalinda wants a louder moan. With her mouth still at Alicia’s breasts, torturing the now rock hard nipples, she reaches one hand down to brush against the inside of Alicia’s thigh, and then, when there’s no protest, the outside of her panties. When she cups her sex more firmly, her hand against the burning wetness that she finds there, she’s rewarded with the first proper, uninhibited moan of the night. She immediately wants another.
There are so many things that she would normally do to a lover, so many ways to make a woman come, but tonight she wants to play it safe. She takes her mouth away from Alicia’s breasts for long enough to see the wonderful sight of Alicia’s flushed face, half-lidded eyes and the rapid rise and fall of her chest. Unable to control herself, Kalinda kisses her deeply, and is thrilled when Alicia kisses back with equal passion.
She doesn’t know how long they kiss for. Alicia’s hands are on her back and in her hair, her legs are entwining with hers. When they eventually break the kiss Kalinda loses some of her own control, and removes Alicia’s panties. She has the presence of mind to make one last quick check of Alicia’s face, and all she sees is desire. She slides her fingers along Alicia’s entrance, and then slips inside, and the groan that comes from Alicia as a result turns her on so much she has to will herself to keep calm.
Slowly, gently, she touches Alicia, building a rhythm that is almost teasing in its gradual climb. Alicia begins to move her hips to meet her hand, press her head back into the pillow and arch her neck, and she doesn’t know where to look: she wants to watch Alicia’s hips and her face at the same time. Alicia’s eyes close again, and there are moans mixed with gasps mixed with groans.
On the next stroke she barely grazes Alicia’s clit with her thumb, and Alicia strains her hips to meet her hand. She uses a firmer touch then, an incrementally faster rhythm, and Alicia swears under her breath, a look of total, abandoned pleasure on her face. Kalinda continues touching her for long, delicious moments, watching her, memorizing everything. She’s as wet as her lover is, and Alicia has barely touched her.
When Alicia’s groans and movements show she’s close, Kalinda can’t resist stopping dead. She wants her to ask for it, beg for it. Give up all control and ask to be fucked.
And Alicia does without a pause, in a strained, desperate voice, “Please don’t stop, please, please,” and usually Kalinda would wait longer, usually she’d try to torture her lover a little, but she’s too impatient tonight, she’s so far gone herself. She restarts the rhythm, but faster this time, a little harder, and Alicia moans so loudly it makes Kalinda moan too from just the sound of it.
A few moments of this, a calm before the storm, and then Alicia throws her head back against the pillow, cries “Jesus, oh my God”, and shudders as she surrenders to her orgasm. Kalinda can’t tear her eyes away, can’t bear to take her hand away. It’s easily the best orgasm she’s ever given, the best she’s ever seen.
As Alicia’s breathing slowly returns to normal, Kalinda waits, in awe of her beauty, but also planning her next move. She has to taste Alicia tonight, she has to. If this is her only chance and she doesn’t take it she’ll never forgive herself.
Eventually Alicia opens her eyes and meets Kalinda’s gaze. Kalinda still has her hand between her legs, and is half-lying across her body.
“Hi.”
“Hi.” Alicia’s voice croaks, and she clears her throat and tries again. “Hi.”
Kalinda smiles widely at her. Alicia’s hair is wild on the pillow and she’s flushed and perspiring and gorgeous.
“You okay?”
Alicia nods, smiles tentatively. Kalinda can see a trace of nerves start to creep back into her eyes.
“You know what’s going to happen now?”
Alicia shakes her head.
“We’re going to rest for a little bit. And then, we’ll go again.” She grins at Alicia cheekily, and gets a proper full-blooded laugh in return for her confidence. Kalinda finds herself staring into her eyes for a little too long and starts a slow survey of her body in order to avoid her gaze. She finally removes her hand from between Alicia’s legs and hears a small “Oh” from Alicia. She wants to lick her fingers but restrains herself.
“Kalinda?”
“Mm?”
“Have you always…you know. I mean, since we first met, or…”
“Yep. Since we met.”
“Really?”
“Really. You know, for someone who’s been asked out seven times in six months you have a ridiculously small ego.”
Silence.
Kalinda looks up at Alicia’s face, and there’s such sadness there that she replays the comment in her head over and over. Surely that was a compliment?
“What is it?” she whispers. “What’s the matter?”
After a short silence, Alicia says, “When your husband decides that sleeping with a hooker is preferable to sleeping with you, it…changes you.”
Jesus, what an asshole, what a complete and total bastard. She wants to punch him in the face, stab a knife through his heart.
“Listen to me. Your ex-husband is insane. He didn’t have an affair, Alicia, he had a stupid little mid-life crisis.”
She can see that she hasn’t quite got through to her. She can’t bear the thought of her pain.
“Alicia…you were way too good for that guy. It was all about him, not you. If you were…”
“If I was what?”
“I…nothing.”
“Kalinda? What were you going to say?”
“It’s nothing.” She’s dismayed to see discomfort back on Alicia’s face, only worse this time, as if she thinks she’s being lied to. She decides that the only way out is brazen.
“I was going to say…if you were mine, I would never have wanted anyone else.” She summons up the cockiest, sexiest smile she can muster so that it’s clear that she’s only talking about sex, and is relieved to see a slow smile spread across Alicia’s lovely face.
“Is that right?”
“Mm-hmm.”
There’s quiet for a moment. Kalinda weighs her options, wonders whether Alicia will freak out if she tries to go down on her.
“What are you thinking about?” asks Alicia.
Usually Kalinda hates that question with a passion, and just avoids answering or lies. She doesn’t want to lie tonight.
“I was thinking about…what you might let me do to you next.”
Alicia’s eyes widen - she obviously wasn’t expecting such a direct answer. She should know better by now.
“I…uh…what I might let you do?”
“Yeah. I mean, we established that you have very strict limits on your fantasies…”
“What! That’s not true!”
“Yes it is. I can’t tie you up, I can’t spank you, I can’t bring in a friend to watch…there’s hardly anything left, Alicia.”
Alicia grins at her, a sparkle in her eye. “Those are not strict limits, and you know it. When have you ever done any of those things?”
Kalinda just raises an eyebrow. Alicia laughs.
“Okay, okay, you’re not a fair test. There are plenty of things we can do that don’t involve that kind of stuff.”
Kalinda pounces. “Like what?”
Alicia blushes, having fallen into the trap. “I…you know…lots of things.”
“Tell me something that you’d like me to do to you.”
“Kalinda…”
“Please, Alicia. I want to make you happy.”
Alicia looks at her curiously. Damn. But it’s only the truth. She holds Alicia’s gaze.
“Tell me something that you fantasized about doing with a woman.”
Alicia searches her eyes for a moment, takes a breath, and says, “Touching her. Touching you.”
That isn’t what Kalinda wants to hear. In every fantasy she’s ever had about Alicia, she’s the aggressor, always. She leaves her exhausted and satisfied and thoroughly fucked. She never thinks about anything else.
“That’s not what you want?” Shit, Alicia looks worried again. Kalinda has no idea how to get out of this one without making her feel rejected. She can’t bear to hurt her.
“Of course it is. But you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”
“I know. You might have to…guide me a little.”
“I can do that.”
Silence. Nobody moves. “You might have to get off me too.” Alicia smiles shyly at her, and Kalinda gives her a mock glare and moves so that she’s lying beside her. Her heart has begun to beat furiously, and her palms are sweating.
Alicia props herself on one elbow and looks down at her. She uses her left hand to trace a soft, gentle path from Kalinda’s face, to her neck, to her breastbone, to her stomach. Kalinda braces herself against the tenderness.
“You look a little nervous all of a sudden.”
“I don’t get nervous.”
“No?” She’s smiling.
“No.”
Alicia’s still tracing patterns on her body, gazing at her. She whispers, “You’re so soft,” in a tone of amazement, and Kalinda would usually laugh at that, make a joke about straight girls and their ignorance, but she’s finding it hard to breathe.
When Alicia leans down to kiss her neck, Kalinda knows with a horrible certainty that she is not about to be fucked. Alicia’s going to make love to her.
She’s kissing her again and again, featherlight kisses that she can hardly feel, and yet she can’t feel anything else. Now she’s kissing her on the mouth, sensuous, deep, slow. Now she’s kissing her breasts, her nipples. Kalinda’s so worked up from touching Alicia that she knows she’s not going to last long.
Alicia holds her gaze for a moment and whispers “Show me?” Kalinda takes her hand and guides it between her legs, and watches in fascination as Alicia’s eyes close at the feeling of her. The first few gentle strokes of her hand are timid and a little clumsy, and Kalinda guides her a little more, a little more, and then suddenly she’s right there, right there, and Kalinda cries out for the first time.
She can feel Alicia’s eyes on her as she breathes harder and harder and fails to stop the steady stream of moans that come from her throat. It’s just sex, she thinks, just missionary position, vanilla sex, and you’ve done this a thousand times.
“Kalinda. Look at me.”
So she does. Alicia looks so intensely at her that Kalinda swears she sees all of her secrets. Alicia’s gentle hand increases its speed, and she leans down to kiss her. She whispers in her ear “Kalinda, Kalinda,” kisses her tenderly on the cheek, smiles a radiant smile at her. It’s all too much, too much for her, and Kalinda comes helplessly, body arching, trying and failing to suppress a keening moan.
Alicia takes her hand away too soon. Kalinda keeps her eyes closed, panting, and then finds that she can’t resist when Alicia pulls her into her arms. She lies with her head on Alicia’s chest and listens to her heartbeat, and is grateful that they are both perspiring because the sweat hides her tears.
“That was easy,” says Alicia.
Kalinda can’t help it. She laughs. They both laugh. And then they sleep.
***
Kalinda wakes up in Alicia’s arms, wrapped securely in her embrace, and so she immediately gets up, and this wakes her sleepy lover.
Once they are both up, they are…quiet. Polite. Careful. She’s given Alicia towels and a spare toothbrush and coffee. Alicia seems fine; not relaxed, exactly, but definitely not panicking. Even a little happy, maybe, a little thrilled, as if she’s crossed off a fantasy from her list and feels proud of her bravery. Kalinda’s glad she could at least give her that.
Kalinda’s miserable.
She watches as Alicia drains the last few mouthfuls from her coffee mug and then washes it out, placing it carefully on the drainer. Low maintenance, she thinks. Easy to please. To live with. To...
Alicia says, “Well. I’d better make a move.” Kalinda nods, gets up, and walks her to the door.
“I…whatever happens, Kalinda…I mean…I had a lovely time last night.”
“Me too.” She forces a smile, and tries very hard not to flinch when Alicia kisses her softly on the cheek, and then, unexpectedly, tenderly, on the mouth.
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
And she’s gone.
Kalinda sits on the couch and drinks her coffee. She thinks about wetness and warmth and skin and moans. She thinks about the washed coffee mug on the drainer. She thinks about being touched.
The loud knock on the door makes her spill coffee down her shirt. Her first thought is that Alicia’s forgotten something - her bag, her phone. But she’d already checked the bedroom. It’s not that. Not that.
Her second thought is to hide. She sits silently, and waits to be left alone.
“Kalinda?”
She can’t ignore her. She stands up. Sits down again. Hates herself. Rubs the coffee stain and makes it worse. Stands up, walks ten feet, steels herself, and opens the door.