That biannual report
Again... or some such...
Hey there. I realize that as I looked through my friends list that I have an eclectic group reading this. And while I am comfortable with certain subjects, you are not. I was going to split my post into two, but then I realize I couldn't do that well. If this starts getting on your nerves or you don't like it, stop. It will be better for you.
This post is the train wreck that contains content that will offend you. You. Not someone else. If you get offended, or didn't want to know it, you have only yourself to blame.
So here we go...
I am doing well. I am recovering.
Work: I became a manager of the section two weeks after I separated from Nikki. Only in the last month have I felt I was adding value rather than being a deficit. I thought I knew what it would be like but I was wrong. I was completely wrong.
People are fragile, more fragile than I thought. I have made close friends and yet I don't know if I have because of what I have learned. Perhaps I always had a sanitary wall in my interactions with my friends (yes, you) that prevented any true depth to intimacy or knowledge of issues. Sure, I read your live journal and I know you somewhat but after realizing how much my employees come to me and talk about what is going on in their lives, I realize that either they do not have friends, I am slightly unapproachable in real life or I have placed the hat of father figure as well as manager.
The first phase was resentment among the other responsible engineers. I used to be the go to guy for any answer about any work related item. Then when it was announced I got resentment from those that were nominally my peers at least in job description.
Now things have settled down and they realize I still know quite a bit and they can come to me. And I can help. I still would like a little bit of verbal respect but I guess that is to much to ask forth. But generally they defer to my decisions.
Why? What really changed? A title. Words. Function was there but suddenly, the relationship changed and I was the outsider.
But now that they have begun to open up, it's like a freaking flood gate. I have one guy telling me about his divorce, health issues and work. I have one ME (manufaturing engineer or lead engineer) telling me about her divorce, her problems at home and the dysfunctional problems she faces. I have one RE (responsible engineer) telling me about her boyfriend, his kids and her dog...
But this is in addition to the work stuff. What is weird is I am younger than thirteen of the fourteen people in the section. I have access to the HR information and had to analyze it for merit increases and show a deficit in the mage engineer pay scale.
I have had those 'talks' to people. Shape up or else. Or your violent behavior in the workplace is unacceptable. Or the HR talks. Fuck. It is fucking shameful the adult work ethic. AND I realize I am not normal.
I have never felt so fucking detached from humanity as I do when I walk into work. I put on a modified Samuel Ward persona (as an allegory not an actual fictitious personality). Invulnerable and detached but supportive and caring shepherd. Mean when I need to be but unfeeling in the core. Why?
My focussed changed. I used to work my ass off on my projects. Get work done. Now my manager drills into my head that I am to get others to get work done. So I observe, help, step in, encourage, tease, bait, guilt or praise. I now watch what my coworkers do.
And, I find others lacking. Lacking in drive, focus, attention, skills or emotional stability. I am such a fucking hypocrite. Like my life is a ball of sunshine. But holy shit in comparison to my average employee I have my act together.
And I have one of the best sections if our management reports are correct. We do more for less. Not quite as well as before but still better than most.
I use more of the loathsome skills I learned in the Camarilla than ever. I have plotted what to look for in different people so as to when I will need to step in. Person X is laughing shrilly again = something is wrong in her personal life; she has an opening at 11am= I will step in and find out what is going on; then be her cathartic release. Then she might finish the DAPM tooling fixture on time.
And that is work. I am being overly negative and exaggerate slightly as I write this but that is my choice and style. And... then as I am writing the sections below, I have had two meetings in my office with Engineers yelling at each other. Sweet. At least I was calm on the outside.
Family-
I have begun seeing my family again but sometimes it depresses me. A vivid image is when I went over for dinner a few weeks ago. My brother and his wife had another two friends over who are wine stewards (there is some fancy name but it eludes me). So lo and behold, everyone got drunk except my neice (19) and me. I left early. While this is not a common occurrence it does seem more and more often that one of my brothers or inlaws will get inebriated. This does not help me but my very nice and oblivious family does not understand. I feel like it is a cycle that we are in. Some weird in grained response to how we were raised.
Friends-
I guess I have three compartments to fit my friends into. Gamers. BDSM. Work. My work friends are at work. There are about 5. At arms length. Where it is safe at this conservative aerospace company.
Gamer friends are the majority. I see them often trying to fill my nights so as not to be alone. Gosh. I am so emotionally healthy. So I have game nights three nights a week and an odd game here and there. I have various levels to these friends. Most of them are at the 'hey, let's game and delve into another world so we don't have to look at this one.'
I still don't have that tight social group I see for other activities each week. I feel like I may already spread my time each week thin for this lack of alone time. Which I should probably use for working on my wonderful happy go lucky attitude.
I feel no ties to where I live. It is convenient for work but that's it. And now, with work, I don't feel like I need to stay with space systems L anymore. In a year or two, I can go anywhere and be an engineering manager. Anywhere.
Why stay here? Why stay anywhere? What is the purpose of staying in any one place. I work to live so I live where I work but I don't want that anymore. Though i couldn't tell you what I want.
Wade visited and it showed me that I lack something in my friend department. The urge to move to Seattle or Atlanta so as to have a better network of closer friends is strong. But in some ways feels like a lie or promised land where magically my problems will not be solved.
My big vacation plans for this year is Dragoncon. Visit Brad and Wade before it and then go to Dragon Con. Hang out, be a geek and return home. Burningman is lost to me. While Rommel and Lahontan are still dear to me, to many bad memories with Nikki, sickness and the Temple of Atonement.
I have also reconnected with some friends through phone. Drifted apart through mutual apathy or mutual negligence. (Why yes, some of you would be in that category. At least we participate together. Yeah Team.) But the calls help. Speaking with friends. I still have one person I haven't called but promised to.
Oh yeah, and I lurk and read your live journal. Seeing what is going in your life to give meaning whether I am normal or not. My current estimation is that none of us are normal.
Gaming-
My roleplaying games are going very well. My Monday night D&D game that I have been running the longest is about to end the campaign. They have 3 more adventures to go before everything ends. Joe might run a World of Darkness game or I might run a champions game.
Tuesday night is Champions over at Ted's. I really like it and I am glad I reconnected with Ted and Jon. The group is fun.
Wednesday and Friday night go play (under BDSM below)
Once or twice a month on Saturday I have another Champions/Rockband group. Fun. Light hearted. Or NERO. Or another boffer LARP. Or the Camarilla. I fill it with safe activities that are enjoyable. And I mean emotionally safe. Certainly not physically as I have also gotten injuries during these past times.
Sunday night is about to be with Graham, Charles, Hallie and TC. We are discussing game possibilities now. I will miss gaming with Matt S but I am sure I will visit Seattle and run something with him in it. Why? because I want to and I think he does as well. And Miguel. And Doug. And others.
I am playing Hordes and Warmachine and am enjoying it. I have gotten off MMO RPG's because they just frustrate me now. I want people around and not a screen. I want voices over text.
Bdsm-
I have been playing more than I have in years. First, I went an saw a professional in November named Miranda, and she and I became friends. She left the professional side in January and recently has been seeing me for fun and play (March and April). That is going well. We play at a higher level than I do with past girlfriends (in general) but certainly not extreme. It is weird that I have developed a close relationship with Miranda that isn't boyfriend/girlfriend. She has a strong relationship with a boy her own age... And that is really why we are close but not right for each other. Age and commitment. We are great friends but she is much younger and finding her way. But she also is giving me good advice. I don't know why I can open up with her more than most of you...
Is my closeness because I have been her submissive? Letting go of all veneer of propriety and civilized behavior. Or can I be intimate with those I don't feel threatened by. Weirdly, questions like this go through my mind.
When Miranda left the professional realm I started getting the itch to try it again in February. So I went to another professional place where I met Savannah. Great sessions. Completely different and once again made a friend. Except this time there was a price tag attached. As in, I am fairly confident she wants a sugar daddy. And I don't want to be one. I like her. She is nice and we scene great together. I noticed that the play ratcheted up into the medium category. Single tales, extreme positions, marks, bruises and... more extreme submission.
So in April, I looked for professional dominatrix number 3. I tried to find the most exclusive and best one SF had to offer. I came up with four names that had advertisements (7 if I cold called.) I worked those numbers down to two. Flipped a coin and called a woman named Devonia. My first session was intense. But I am going to borrow a quote from her on her live journal. "I had two amazing sessions with a very experienced player, the first of which ended with me locking him in chastity. The second was cathartic, long, complex, and spanned everything from..." The first session ended with me giving her the keys to my manhood and spending a week devoted to her. It ended 8 days later and definitely pushed my envelope of play. Both for the week of chastity and that second scene. I see her again Friday.
I have grown slightly obsessed with Devonia and hoping time will cool down irrational thoughts and outrageous fantasies. Is it another cycle of falling for someone because it is more comfortable to be in a relationship than without? Or is my mind looking for any outlet for intimacy, companionship and equality. Or I could really just like her.
Why? Why see professionals? I can play on a level I can't play on otherwise. I feel like exposing my throat to a woman and be validated in my existence as a good human male. I want the connection of intimacy that I used to have with Nikki but not with her poison. And sometimes I achieve a sense of that intimacy when I am submissive.
Besides the professionals, I have played with some friends. So far one night of play and back to the usual friendship.
Oh yeah, my bed frame that I designed and had built is finally in. It took two years to design and one year to build. Wade helped me assemble it we had come down from Atlanta to visit. There are a few glitches with the head board and the foot board but it looks awesome. I also have my friends climbing around on it like a jungle gym. (Except with less deflection.) It is like a dungeon bed but actually more structurally sound and more modular. Now I am waiting for the box and mattress to come in. Then I will be sleeping in a bed. Whoa. How grownup.
I put in the swivel hoist rings last night and look forward when Miranda comes over next... heh, suspension is fun.
Health-
So after the separation and divorce proceedings, my mental health has improved. Of course, I have developed some sort of sexual dysfunction but my emotions are better. Let me try that again, I am getting better emotionally. More stable, happier and more centered. I can spend time by myself and not feel like shit. However, I have an issue in the bedroom. I can get hard and excited but I have a very difficult time getting to the finish. My BDSM friends have helped but the two times in a non bdsm scene I have tried to finish has not gone well at all. Masturbation is difficult as well unless I employ severe toys to get me in a bottom mood then I have a good chance. However, I almost had a wet dream recently and that's a good sign. I came very close which hasn't happened in years.
Besides my mental health my physical health is improving. I have been eating better and less. I have been exercising more. I am in a 'biggest loser' weight contest at work where we compete each week to see who has lost the most weight. I am in second place. The goal is to drop 30 lbs by July 4th. I am 9 of 30 lbs there. Of course, after the contest I will still want 13 more pounds to reach my ultimate goal. I am exercising daily with walks and weights and adding in isometric exercises when I can.
Am I happy? Yes. Am I satisfied? No.
-Daniel
Hey there. I realize that as I looked through my friends list that I have an eclectic group reading this. And while I am comfortable with certain subjects, you are not. I was going to split my post into two, but then I realize I couldn't do that well. If this starts getting on your nerves or you don't like it, stop. It will be better for you.
This post is the train wreck that contains content that will offend you. You. Not someone else. If you get offended, or didn't want to know it, you have only yourself to blame.
So here we go...
I am doing well. I am recovering.
Work: I became a manager of the section two weeks after I separated from Nikki. Only in the last month have I felt I was adding value rather than being a deficit. I thought I knew what it would be like but I was wrong. I was completely wrong.
People are fragile, more fragile than I thought. I have made close friends and yet I don't know if I have because of what I have learned. Perhaps I always had a sanitary wall in my interactions with my friends (yes, you) that prevented any true depth to intimacy or knowledge of issues. Sure, I read your live journal and I know you somewhat but after realizing how much my employees come to me and talk about what is going on in their lives, I realize that either they do not have friends, I am slightly unapproachable in real life or I have placed the hat of father figure as well as manager.
The first phase was resentment among the other responsible engineers. I used to be the go to guy for any answer about any work related item. Then when it was announced I got resentment from those that were nominally my peers at least in job description.
Now things have settled down and they realize I still know quite a bit and they can come to me. And I can help. I still would like a little bit of verbal respect but I guess that is to much to ask forth. But generally they defer to my decisions.
Why? What really changed? A title. Words. Function was there but suddenly, the relationship changed and I was the outsider.
But now that they have begun to open up, it's like a freaking flood gate. I have one guy telling me about his divorce, health issues and work. I have one ME (manufaturing engineer or lead engineer) telling me about her divorce, her problems at home and the dysfunctional problems she faces. I have one RE (responsible engineer) telling me about her boyfriend, his kids and her dog...
But this is in addition to the work stuff. What is weird is I am younger than thirteen of the fourteen people in the section. I have access to the HR information and had to analyze it for merit increases and show a deficit in the mage engineer pay scale.
I have had those 'talks' to people. Shape up or else. Or your violent behavior in the workplace is unacceptable. Or the HR talks. Fuck. It is fucking shameful the adult work ethic. AND I realize I am not normal.
I have never felt so fucking detached from humanity as I do when I walk into work. I put on a modified Samuel Ward persona (as an allegory not an actual fictitious personality). Invulnerable and detached but supportive and caring shepherd. Mean when I need to be but unfeeling in the core. Why?
My focussed changed. I used to work my ass off on my projects. Get work done. Now my manager drills into my head that I am to get others to get work done. So I observe, help, step in, encourage, tease, bait, guilt or praise. I now watch what my coworkers do.
And, I find others lacking. Lacking in drive, focus, attention, skills or emotional stability. I am such a fucking hypocrite. Like my life is a ball of sunshine. But holy shit in comparison to my average employee I have my act together.
And I have one of the best sections if our management reports are correct. We do more for less. Not quite as well as before but still better than most.
I use more of the loathsome skills I learned in the Camarilla than ever. I have plotted what to look for in different people so as to when I will need to step in. Person X is laughing shrilly again = something is wrong in her personal life; she has an opening at 11am= I will step in and find out what is going on; then be her cathartic release. Then she might finish the DAPM tooling fixture on time.
And that is work. I am being overly negative and exaggerate slightly as I write this but that is my choice and style. And... then as I am writing the sections below, I have had two meetings in my office with Engineers yelling at each other. Sweet. At least I was calm on the outside.
Family-
I have begun seeing my family again but sometimes it depresses me. A vivid image is when I went over for dinner a few weeks ago. My brother and his wife had another two friends over who are wine stewards (there is some fancy name but it eludes me). So lo and behold, everyone got drunk except my neice (19) and me. I left early. While this is not a common occurrence it does seem more and more often that one of my brothers or inlaws will get inebriated. This does not help me but my very nice and oblivious family does not understand. I feel like it is a cycle that we are in. Some weird in grained response to how we were raised.
Friends-
I guess I have three compartments to fit my friends into. Gamers. BDSM. Work. My work friends are at work. There are about 5. At arms length. Where it is safe at this conservative aerospace company.
Gamer friends are the majority. I see them often trying to fill my nights so as not to be alone. Gosh. I am so emotionally healthy. So I have game nights three nights a week and an odd game here and there. I have various levels to these friends. Most of them are at the 'hey, let's game and delve into another world so we don't have to look at this one.'
I still don't have that tight social group I see for other activities each week. I feel like I may already spread my time each week thin for this lack of alone time. Which I should probably use for working on my wonderful happy go lucky attitude.
I feel no ties to where I live. It is convenient for work but that's it. And now, with work, I don't feel like I need to stay with space systems L anymore. In a year or two, I can go anywhere and be an engineering manager. Anywhere.
Why stay here? Why stay anywhere? What is the purpose of staying in any one place. I work to live so I live where I work but I don't want that anymore. Though i couldn't tell you what I want.
Wade visited and it showed me that I lack something in my friend department. The urge to move to Seattle or Atlanta so as to have a better network of closer friends is strong. But in some ways feels like a lie or promised land where magically my problems will not be solved.
My big vacation plans for this year is Dragoncon. Visit Brad and Wade before it and then go to Dragon Con. Hang out, be a geek and return home. Burningman is lost to me. While Rommel and Lahontan are still dear to me, to many bad memories with Nikki, sickness and the Temple of Atonement.
I have also reconnected with some friends through phone. Drifted apart through mutual apathy or mutual negligence. (Why yes, some of you would be in that category. At least we participate together. Yeah Team.) But the calls help. Speaking with friends. I still have one person I haven't called but promised to.
Oh yeah, and I lurk and read your live journal. Seeing what is going in your life to give meaning whether I am normal or not. My current estimation is that none of us are normal.
Gaming-
My roleplaying games are going very well. My Monday night D&D game that I have been running the longest is about to end the campaign. They have 3 more adventures to go before everything ends. Joe might run a World of Darkness game or I might run a champions game.
Tuesday night is Champions over at Ted's. I really like it and I am glad I reconnected with Ted and Jon. The group is fun.
Wednesday and Friday night go play (under BDSM below)
Once or twice a month on Saturday I have another Champions/Rockband group. Fun. Light hearted. Or NERO. Or another boffer LARP. Or the Camarilla. I fill it with safe activities that are enjoyable. And I mean emotionally safe. Certainly not physically as I have also gotten injuries during these past times.
Sunday night is about to be with Graham, Charles, Hallie and TC. We are discussing game possibilities now. I will miss gaming with Matt S but I am sure I will visit Seattle and run something with him in it. Why? because I want to and I think he does as well. And Miguel. And Doug. And others.
I am playing Hordes and Warmachine and am enjoying it. I have gotten off MMO RPG's because they just frustrate me now. I want people around and not a screen. I want voices over text.
Bdsm-
I have been playing more than I have in years. First, I went an saw a professional in November named Miranda, and she and I became friends. She left the professional side in January and recently has been seeing me for fun and play (March and April). That is going well. We play at a higher level than I do with past girlfriends (in general) but certainly not extreme. It is weird that I have developed a close relationship with Miranda that isn't boyfriend/girlfriend. She has a strong relationship with a boy her own age... And that is really why we are close but not right for each other. Age and commitment. We are great friends but she is much younger and finding her way. But she also is giving me good advice. I don't know why I can open up with her more than most of you...
Is my closeness because I have been her submissive? Letting go of all veneer of propriety and civilized behavior. Or can I be intimate with those I don't feel threatened by. Weirdly, questions like this go through my mind.
When Miranda left the professional realm I started getting the itch to try it again in February. So I went to another professional place where I met Savannah. Great sessions. Completely different and once again made a friend. Except this time there was a price tag attached. As in, I am fairly confident she wants a sugar daddy. And I don't want to be one. I like her. She is nice and we scene great together. I noticed that the play ratcheted up into the medium category. Single tales, extreme positions, marks, bruises and... more extreme submission.
So in April, I looked for professional dominatrix number 3. I tried to find the most exclusive and best one SF had to offer. I came up with four names that had advertisements (7 if I cold called.) I worked those numbers down to two. Flipped a coin and called a woman named Devonia. My first session was intense. But I am going to borrow a quote from her on her live journal. "I had two amazing sessions with a very experienced player, the first of which ended with me locking him in chastity. The second was cathartic, long, complex, and spanned everything from..." The first session ended with me giving her the keys to my manhood and spending a week devoted to her. It ended 8 days later and definitely pushed my envelope of play. Both for the week of chastity and that second scene. I see her again Friday.
I have grown slightly obsessed with Devonia and hoping time will cool down irrational thoughts and outrageous fantasies. Is it another cycle of falling for someone because it is more comfortable to be in a relationship than without? Or is my mind looking for any outlet for intimacy, companionship and equality. Or I could really just like her.
Why? Why see professionals? I can play on a level I can't play on otherwise. I feel like exposing my throat to a woman and be validated in my existence as a good human male. I want the connection of intimacy that I used to have with Nikki but not with her poison. And sometimes I achieve a sense of that intimacy when I am submissive.
Besides the professionals, I have played with some friends. So far one night of play and back to the usual friendship.
Oh yeah, my bed frame that I designed and had built is finally in. It took two years to design and one year to build. Wade helped me assemble it we had come down from Atlanta to visit. There are a few glitches with the head board and the foot board but it looks awesome. I also have my friends climbing around on it like a jungle gym. (Except with less deflection.) It is like a dungeon bed but actually more structurally sound and more modular. Now I am waiting for the box and mattress to come in. Then I will be sleeping in a bed. Whoa. How grownup.
I put in the swivel hoist rings last night and look forward when Miranda comes over next... heh, suspension is fun.
Health-
So after the separation and divorce proceedings, my mental health has improved. Of course, I have developed some sort of sexual dysfunction but my emotions are better. Let me try that again, I am getting better emotionally. More stable, happier and more centered. I can spend time by myself and not feel like shit. However, I have an issue in the bedroom. I can get hard and excited but I have a very difficult time getting to the finish. My BDSM friends have helped but the two times in a non bdsm scene I have tried to finish has not gone well at all. Masturbation is difficult as well unless I employ severe toys to get me in a bottom mood then I have a good chance. However, I almost had a wet dream recently and that's a good sign. I came very close which hasn't happened in years.
Besides my mental health my physical health is improving. I have been eating better and less. I have been exercising more. I am in a 'biggest loser' weight contest at work where we compete each week to see who has lost the most weight. I am in second place. The goal is to drop 30 lbs by July 4th. I am 9 of 30 lbs there. Of course, after the contest I will still want 13 more pounds to reach my ultimate goal. I am exercising daily with walks and weights and adding in isometric exercises when I can.
Am I happy? Yes. Am I satisfied? No.
-Daniel