Shaking that sinking feeling
I'm sore from paintball. Not even from getting shot, either. Just all the running around and jumping and stuff. Wow. But it was fun and definately worth it. Now how to pay Ross back for his generosity...
Anyhow. I felt like writing something philosophical, so here.
You know the feeling i'm talking about. The "Nobody likes me/everybody hates me/I guess I'll go eat worms" one. I spent a couple of years awhile back trapped in a cycle that kept going back to this feeling. And now sometimes I seem just on the verge of it again. I see it creeping in on me.
But that isn't who I am anymore, and I know it. I see a great direction to go with my life and my path has been opened before me--God has been (as always) very good to me in that way. The last obstacle is learning how to show others this...abundance of life.
I choose (or have been chosen by, depending on how you look at it) a destiny greater than myself--a revolution which will pour out of me motivated by power and wisdom greater than my own. The ideas are there. The burning, irrepressible passion is there. But it remains formless and just beyond my grasp. Perhaps I've been pursuing these things the wrong way. What a dilemma it is to care so much for the world that you bear a message to them which they find foolish and in some cases offensive. And yet (as I well know) this is exactly my purpose and my calling. I cannot help but proceed in the face of the carefully crafted remarks, the many minds searching for ways to twist my impression of the Kingdom so as to discredit it in my sight, because I know God. He has manifested His presence to me more than once. I cannot deny the one I have been with and spoken to. I cannot deny the miracles wrought in my life. I cannot deny that He loves me and you and cares about every little thing. I can't shake these convictions, try as I might...
I want everyone to know that I'm not saying I'm leaving my life to "pursue some higher callings". I am not forsaking friendships made, debts owed, or lessons learned. To do so would be to miss the whole point. This thing--this IS life. And it exists without walls, without borders or politics or arbitrary deadlines to complicate things. This is not harsh legalism, and it is not whispy relativism. It is firm--earthy. Faith interwoven with consciousness. Natural interwoven with supernatural. God and man existing and being in a harmony which springs from within--a real hope which lifts up life to more than the sum of its parts--more than I could ever make it alone. I'm not crazy and no Ross, I'm not turning into a buddhist (though I've probably made it sound that way).
Anyhow. I felt like writing something philosophical, so here.
You know the feeling i'm talking about. The "Nobody likes me/everybody hates me/I guess I'll go eat worms" one. I spent a couple of years awhile back trapped in a cycle that kept going back to this feeling. And now sometimes I seem just on the verge of it again. I see it creeping in on me.
But that isn't who I am anymore, and I know it. I see a great direction to go with my life and my path has been opened before me--God has been (as always) very good to me in that way. The last obstacle is learning how to show others this...abundance of life.
I choose (or have been chosen by, depending on how you look at it) a destiny greater than myself--a revolution which will pour out of me motivated by power and wisdom greater than my own. The ideas are there. The burning, irrepressible passion is there. But it remains formless and just beyond my grasp. Perhaps I've been pursuing these things the wrong way. What a dilemma it is to care so much for the world that you bear a message to them which they find foolish and in some cases offensive. And yet (as I well know) this is exactly my purpose and my calling. I cannot help but proceed in the face of the carefully crafted remarks, the many minds searching for ways to twist my impression of the Kingdom so as to discredit it in my sight, because I know God. He has manifested His presence to me more than once. I cannot deny the one I have been with and spoken to. I cannot deny the miracles wrought in my life. I cannot deny that He loves me and you and cares about every little thing. I can't shake these convictions, try as I might...
I want everyone to know that I'm not saying I'm leaving my life to "pursue some higher callings". I am not forsaking friendships made, debts owed, or lessons learned. To do so would be to miss the whole point. This thing--this IS life. And it exists without walls, without borders or politics or arbitrary deadlines to complicate things. This is not harsh legalism, and it is not whispy relativism. It is firm--earthy. Faith interwoven with consciousness. Natural interwoven with supernatural. God and man existing and being in a harmony which springs from within--a real hope which lifts up life to more than the sum of its parts--more than I could ever make it alone. I'm not crazy and no Ross, I'm not turning into a buddhist (though I've probably made it sound that way).