tl;dr - Sexuality and relationships.
I am never more unhappy than when I am in relationships.
Don't get me wrong, the first week I just love it. I'm totally on cloud nine about everything. But as soon as those first seven days are up things start to go downhill, and by day 31, I'm done.
One of my friends posted an anonymous meme a while back that involved a few things: write a love confession, give a hint to who you are, confess a secret, etc - if she ever guessed it was me she never said so, but I may as well out myself now since no one remembers that shit anymore. My secret was that a part of me feels like I can sympathize too much with Prince Charming from Fables. It's like the minute I know someone likes me back, I start to lose interest. No matter how into them I was before, I'll spend a week totally giddy and then be all "Hm, that's all?" and stop finding it fun. It isn't even that it's that "the chase" is exciting. It isn't, and it's rarely a chase. I'm not into that kind of thing as I have an extreme phobia of embarassment. This is a little weird to think on now, because with my skewed view of the world via anime and media in general when I was younger I always felt unpopular. But I digress.
I thought for a long time that I was just very good at knowing what I was emotionally ready for! When a guy I knew kind of pressured me into dating then attempted to pressure me into sex when I was in highschool, I gave a very no-nonsense "Ain't happening." Which I was pretty proud of because when it came to dating people I was kind of a doormat. No one ever rejects anyone in fiction unless they're obviously a huge bitch, right? So if I wasn't a huge bitch, then I'd just date anyone that asked. Even if I wanted to say no. I guess something can be said for giving everyone a shot. The point is looking back on it, it wasn't that I was just being 'extremely mature and judging what I was emotionally ready for at the time' I just... really wasn't interested.
Don't get me wrong I do at times get, uh, 'urges'? But I can handle myself (that's what she said) no problem and in the end it's only for basically three days max right before I start my period. Beyond that? Meh. No thanks, let's read a comic instead. The idea of having a sexual parner squicks me out so bad I am honestly having trouble writing this and considering not posting it. Me + Sex = just so much DO NOT FUCKING WANT NO. I have difficulty even joking about it. I won't lie - part of it is anxiety on all the what-ifs, I'm sure. But at the same time I thought my trouble with even kissing the person I was dating was all that too, and when I started kissing?
So. Very. Boring. Bordering on gross, even! I can do quick kisses. Dry, closed mouth, only non-platonic if you do it on the lips and even that is still very chaste. Hugs I am actually pretty "MEH" over, but I have a very huggy family and had a lot of huggy friends so I just got used to them and developed the knee-jerk "Do you need a hug? :(" reaction when someone is upset. So everyone thinks I'm like super-nice at work because I always ask (sincerely) if someone who is upset needs or wants a hug, but really it's basically instinct to ask and I literally do not think about it.
I stepped away and started having dinner about here so I've kind of lost my train of thought and, again, kind of don't want to think much on it anymore so, yeah.
I've tried to make asexual characters more times than I can count, in an effort to do the whole 'YEAH! BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!' thing (most recently: Chrome was originally going to be played as asexual) but as soon as I start getting some chemistry-like CR with another character I just drop it like it's hot, because I can't stop thinking about how hard those interactions are for me in Real Life and I just ... don't want to put my characters through that. This is fantasy, and in my fantasy, I can be some sembiance of 'normal'.
There's a reason why when it comes to guys I basically almost never hang out with anyone that's not either already in a relationship or not into girls. I just don't want to deal with the complications of explaining myself, and girls tend to pick up the "do not want." cues a lot better than guys do (and are less likely to go "I KNOW YOU AREN'T INTERESTED IN MY GENDER BUT I'M GOING TO TRY FOR IT ANYWAY AND MAKE THINGS HORRIBLY AWKWARD BECAUSE I CLEARLY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOUR FEELINGS. NOW THAT WE'RE CLEAR ON THAT, WANNA DATE?").
It isn't that I don't have romantic feelings, it's just the second the idea of sex becomes factored into it they turn into kind of bitter resentment. Which I hate, because it isn't anyone's fault that 'people want sex' is the default assumption. And I'm never sure when it's appropriate to bring up "Oh BTW sex is never going to happen unless I get royally wasted first." It isn't that oh I've just never tried so I don't know if I'll like it or not - I have, back when I had "the crazy" (mercury poisioning that lead to chemically induced depression and schizophrenia, for those of you just tuning in to my life) and for one I had to be crazy to do it in the first place and for another, filled with regret/disgust/shame afterward to the point that I spend 99% of my time not acknowledging it happened because even know I hate myself for it.
This is probably where my borderline fetishization of unrequited love comes from. Not "Nice Guy" style Unrequited Love like Eridan in Homestuck, but all Madarame from Genshiken style. "I love you but I know you don't feel the same so I am NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING and hide it as best I can because if I acted on this it would go terribly for all parties involved and you'd feel awkward and conflicted, and since I actually care about you I don't want to put you through that." Because sometimes that feels like the only love I'll ever be able to have.
But I'm 0k with that.