I Know You (I Walked With You Once Upon A Dream) [Part 2/2]
Title: I Know You (I Walked With You Once Upon A Dream)
Pairing/Main character(s): Jongin/Kyungsoo
///
When Jongin opens his eyes, to his right he sees a long straight road illuminated by small orange and yellow lights that follow one another at regular intervals. It is dark outside and rain falls silently.
He makes himself comfortable in the backseat and watches the raindrops slide down the car window. In the silence that envelops the vehicle, Jongin listens to the soothing pitter-patter of the rain, until he feels a soft hand gently envelope his own. To his left sits Kyungsoo. Jongin can’t see him well but he knows he is there staring at him. The smaller man intertwines his fingers with Jongin’s and exhales contentedly, getting closer.
“There you are again, finally,” says Jongin softly. “I was beginning to think it was all a joke, that you were truly only a figment of my imagination.”
“I might as well be, what do you say?”
Jongin has been sleeping more and more lately, hoping to see Kyungsoo again, and now that his wish has come true, he can rest his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and savor the moment.
The man’s woolen scarf tickles his cheek and Jongin, closing his eyes, tries to ignore the rapid beat of his heart.
“Have you been avoiding me, hyung?” He asks, but Kyungsoo doesn’t answer. Jongin doesn’t want to upset him like last time, therefore he decides to change the topic. “Where are we going?”
“I don’t know… I think this dream is yours,” Kyungsoo replies after a moment. “Where do you think your subconscious is carrying you? Your subconscious has created all this based on your desires and fears, your past and your present. This should give you an idea, think about it.”
“You aren’t helping me at all...” Jongin answers listlessly.
And Jongin, once again, wonders why his dreams are what they are. Engrossed in “the real world’s affairs” he has done nothing but accumulate everything that has happened inside himself in the last few years into what he considered a bottomless pit. But, like water accumulated drop after drop in a bucket, the pit was now ready to burst: Jongin is immensely tired.
The agitation, anguish and anxiety by now have become a constant in his daily life, part of his identity, preventing him from thinking clearly. Still, everything seems to dissolve into nothingness when he is with Kyungsoo. His presence manages to make him feel secure, wanted.
He has no idea where they are and doesn’t know what is out there, but he also knows that it doesn’t matter. For some unknown reason, he feels secure in the uncertain reality that feels so real that surrounds him, and he accepts it.
Rain keeps falling steadily, big black drops of water drench the foggy realm of dreams, but Jongin isn’t moving. There is no other place he would rather be than here, with Kyungsoo.
“You know, I thought about it... my name. Kyungsoo. It means bright and refined.”
Jongin nods imperceptibly, burrowing more securely into Kyungsoo’s side. “I don’t know a single person named Kyungsoo, nor I knew of your name’s meaning. I guess it means that I couldn’t have created you…”
“And?”
“And I’m happy. But tell me, why are you telling me this only now?”
“I didn’t remember, that’s all. In the realm of dreams, time flows differently from the other world and I don’t know how long I have been here. I’ve told this to you before.”
“I see.”
“I wonder what else I forgot,” Kyungsoo says in a low voice. The sentence, barely audible, is directed more to himself than to Jongin, but he hears it clearly anyway.
“Even I will begin to forget?” Jongin sits straight again and looks up at Kyungsoo with wonder mixed with excitement. “Can’t I stay with you?” He adds a few moments later. The most important question escapes naturally from his lips.
“Please.”
In the silence that follows, Jongin feels his heart rate increase and wonders if Kyungsoo can feel it too. In the faint light he can’t see their clasped hands, but the tranquility that pervades him in the narrow space gives him a sense of security.
When Jongin sees Kyungsoo nod solemnly, he sees the soft lights from the street tinge Kyungsoo’s big eyes a new light and Jongin naturally sidles impossibly closer to him. The attraction so unbearable that he can’t help but kiss him. The older man responds with as much fervor and Jongin enjoys the feel of the other’s lips against his own. Kyungsoo’s arms circling him are firm and Jongin breaths out softly against the other’s plump lips, feeling his heart beat frantically as their lips touch again and again.
“I’m sorry, Jongin.”
“Don’t be, it’s my choice.”
The tense atmosphere gradually disappears and Jongin can relax once again.
He can stay.
In the following minutes, or perhaps hours, Jongin quietly enjoys the presence of Kyungsoo beside him. Now Kyungsoo is the one with his head on Jongin’s shoulder, his hair tickling the younger man’s cheek.
For Jongin it is impossible to not smile when he thinks, naively, that all this can really only be a dream, a beautiful dream.
Somewhere in his head he understands that this isn’t real, but he doesn’t care.
///
“Tell me, what is it like to be tired?” Kyungsoo wonders.
In this dream, they are walking along a country road, a vast sun-drenched clearing ahead of them. Trees are sparse and the high sunlit clouds drift across a clear blue sky. The white sunshine blinds Jongin who walks slowly beside Kyungsoo. The older man’s measured steps are silent as he makes his way through the tall grass swayed by the gentle breeze.
Jongin remains silent for a minute before answering.
“It feels as if all your emotions are blurred: pity for yourself, pity for others, joy, sorrow, anger, fear, sense of loss or abandonment. Everything is mixed in a vortex of color and, in the end, the only color you see is black. You feel one indistinct, indefinable emotion.”
They arrive in the clearing and Kyungsoo invites Jongin to follow him as he lies down in the middle of the field. He caresses the flowers nearby, examines them carefully and picks those attracting his attention. Then he sits, legs crossed, and begins to weave the flowers into a crown. The carefully chosen wildflowers are all of different delicate colors: pink cosmos, baby blue eyes, corn marigold and daisies.
Jongin sits down next to him in the expanse of uniform green grass glowing in the sunset, the delicate fragrance of the meadow flowers surrounding them. The shadows of scattered trees draw figures on the ground and Jongin tries to imagine what those shapes may represent.
“I don’t remember feeling a single one of the emotions you mentioned, but it seems interesting,” Kyungsoo says without looking away from the flowers in his lap.
“Yeah. It appears as though I know a lot about that sense of exhaustion and uncertainty that ruins life,” Jongin jokes.
“Tell me more. Of the reality from which you come from,” he requests, picking a new flower.
Jongin thinks that, if ever he decided to go back, the Jongin who he had been until then could surely no longer exist. He remembers a time when that Jongin had existed, but in his mind he can’t easily identify his distinctive characteristics and personality. The more he thinks about it the more the contours of that reality become hazy. How had he been living his life until then? Jongin can’t imagine his return to that life.
“I have already told you about my job, and I have described my apartment to you many times. I don’t know what else I could add to entertain you, hyung,” he laughs.
“Anything will do.”
“Uhm…” Jongin casts a glance in the direction of the horizon line that delimitates the dream. It is a foggy line, where nothing can be distinguished or touched. Kyungsoo had explained to him that, no matter how far you walk towards it, that line can’t be reached. The realm of dreams is simply limitless.
He looks away soon after to pick a flower, as he thinks of a fond memory to share with the other.
“When I was a child I liked to follow my mom to the public library, and sitting beside her, I used to leaf through illustrated books. My mom usually did researches relevant to her job or read romantic novels for hours. Too immersed into her own world, she was, most of the time, oblivious of my presence next to her. But I loved spending my afternoons with her, skip homework, and lose myself in the smell of the illustrated books and their images’ bright colors.”
Jongin stops when he sees Kyungsoo look up at the sky to watch the clouds run fast above their heads, immersed in a thoughtful silence.
“I can’t recall anything from my childhood. I must have been here for a very long time.” Kyungsoo looks sad and Jongin worries he has said something wrong.
“It doesn’t matter, hyung. I will soon forget, and you won’t feel alone anymore,” Jongin states, trying to appease Kyungsoo.
“Alone... alone, you say. What does it mean Jongin?”
The blank stare in the older man’s eyes confuses Jongin.
Kyungsoo keeps forgetting details about his past life each passing dream.
“When no other person is with you. When I’m not here with you… don’t you feel lonely, hyung?”
“Oh yes, now I understand what you mean,” replies Kyungsoo dazedly as he lowers his gaze back on the crown of flowers. Only few flowers remain in the smaller man’s lap. The crown is almost finished.
“This is for you, Jongin. I’m almost done.”
The confusion that clouded his eyes seems vanished and Kyungsoo is immediately back to his happy self.
Jongin is relieved.
His skill enchants Jongin who watches him put one flower after another in the crown and gently tie each stem to one another, humming a sweet melody under his breath.
Sunlight illuminates the clearing of a warm yellow that makes Kyungsoo’s pale cheeks shine, his full lips pursed in concentration. Jongin can almost count his long eyelashes as he quietly draws near the other.
“I’m comfortable around you. You are like home,” Jongin murmurs, surprising even himself with his sudden confession. “I like you so much, hyung, and I don’t even know why.”
Kyungsoo stops and looks up to him, a shy sweet smile gracing his features.
“I’m glad.”
///
“How can this world be only a figment of my, our, imagination? How can this be only real in our heads?” Says Jongin, taking a handful of sand in both his hands. “Look, the grains are so precise and shiny, like real ones.”
With his changed frame of mind, what reflects in his eyes looks different, magnificent. Dream after dream with Kyungsoo, Jongin has seen places and scenarios of unimaginable beauty. Together, they have seen snow-capped mountains that Jongin had longed for when he fell asleep in the sweltering heat of midsummer in his small bedroom, theatrical performances in not well specified eras, rivers where he had dreamed of fishing giant salmons when he was a child, endless gardens and street markets in different cities from all around the world.
Kyungsoo wasn’t always in his dreams. Sometimes Jongin walked around aimlessly trying to get a glimpse of the older man without success; other times Kyungsoo was already there waiting for him. But most of the time, they manage to find each other.
Jongin usually talks about what he can recollect of the real world he has left behind, while Kyungsoo likes to share details on what he has learned about dreams and the realm of dreams.
Jongin always feels a curious sense of nostalgia when he looks at the other and is deeply attracted to Kyungsoo. And even today, sitting on the seashore side by side, legs crossed, Jongin has eyes for no one but him.
Their day has been a pleasant one. The clear blue sky and the warmth emanating from the sand has put Jongin in a good mood.
“I think the deception is right here, in the very fine line between imagination and reality. Otherwise, why would we love dreams so much?”
Jongin nods. “What do you do when I’m not here? I keep meaning to ask.”
“I dream of dreams belonging to me only, but since you showed up I’m not so sure. Are these dreams yours or mine? Who wanted all this, you or me?” And with an arm outstretched he points at the surrounding landscape.
Then, Kyungsoo recounts the dreams he can remember: the peculiarity of the places he visits when he is alone, describing people and conversations in great detail.
Jongin listens in fascination; the older man isn’t speaking in his usual quiet voice. There is a hint of impatience in his tone, something that sometimes Kyungsoo can’t conceal, even though his actions and words are always careful and well-thought. Jongin can tell because the other has started to gesticulate with his hands, and it is something he does only when he is nervous or insecure about something.
Jongin doesn’t know what to do. Maybe Kyungsoo is getting tired of him, and he tries his best not to feel grumpy as his shoulders slump forward in disappointment. He forces himself to look away, towards the open sea.
There is no one but the two of them on the endless seashore. The only sound is the lapping of the waves running ceaselessly one after another until they break on the solitary shoreline and ebb away. The beach stretches for kilometers under the boundless pink sky and the horizon seems to be stitched into the sky.
Jongin has lost track of the time spent with Kyungsoo. He can’t divide anymore the days into hours, minutes, and seconds. All the time spent dreaming seems to him to be no longer than a moment and, at the same time, longer than eternity.
As of now, Jongin doesn’t remember when was the last time he woke up in the real world to get out of bed and go grocery shopping, go to work, meet relatives, or friends. At this point, he spends the majority of his time in the realm of dreams and thinks less and less about what he has left behind. The details of the real world begin to be as vague as the contours of the dreams that he lives. Jongin, while observing the relaxing landscape, thinks that he has never felt like this in his life.
“Kyungsoo, you aren’t just my fantasy, am I right?” Jongin holds his breath and doesn’t dare to look at the man in the eye.
“I think so...” the other answers, taking a handful of sand and slowly letting it drift through his fingers. “No, I’m sure of it. Somewhere out there I’m a real person. What little I can remember of my past must be true.”
Jongin turns to him and grabs one of his hands. “Really? But even here you’re real, I can feel it!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure. Maybe I’ve only dreamed of having another life. After all, the realm of dreams messes with your head,” he explains pointing a finger to his head. “Lately, it seems all so strange to me, so intangible,” he adds frustrated.
“The real you, where do you think it may be right now?”
“Perhaps, I live in Seoul, from where you come from, perhaps we are closer than we think. Do you think that’s possible?” Kyungsoo looks at the taller man with wide eyes, an uncertainty never seen before in his big eyes, and Jongin shudders.
“It must be so! Then again, where would I ever go?” He answers, gripping Kyungsoo’s hand tighter.
But Kyungsoo doesn’t utter a word. He lets go of Jongin’s hand as he gets up and aims for the near cliff, leaving footprints in the gold sand.
Jongin sighs dejectedly.
The weather has suddenly changed, and raising his eyes to the sky, Jongin sees a flash. Gray storm clouds promise rain which has yet to arrive. He casts his gaze over the sea and sees the clear blue water from before now dark and threatening. Jongin feels the cold suddenly creep into his bones and shakes his head, annoyed that the weather in the realm of dreams can change without warning, reacting quickly to their feelings.
Something inside him, or Kyungsoo, must have triggered the change.
The next flash blinds him, and Jongin tries to shake away the cold that has invaded him by standing up, but that’s when he realizes that the scenery around has changed again. They are on the cliff, far from the beach.
Kyungsoo, ahead of him, is moving forward towards the precipice of the cliff.
Jongin feels the hard rocks beneath his feet and unsteadily follows the other man.
“Don’t you ever think about what we could do together on the other side?” Kyungsoo asks keeping his eyes fixed on the precipice that separates them from the rough sea.
“Huh?” Jongin thinks about it for a moment. “Whatever you would like to do, hyung, here it would turn out one hundred times better and exactly how you want it to be,” he gives a hollow laugh, trying to play down, sensing tension in the air.
“This world made of everything and nothing makes no sense. I’m never tired, I never sleep nor feel hunger or thirst. I don’t know how I got here or why and I can’t help but think that I must have forgotten many memories… too many memories.” He sounds desperate. “I don’t want to forget any more, Jongin. I’m afraid.” And for the first time, his voice cracks.
“Afraid? Don’t you like to dream? Or maybe you are tired of me?” Jongin inquires with a lump in his throat.
“No, that’s not it...” Kyungsoo sighs and impatiently runs a hand through his short hair.
“We’ve been through it before. I will not return. Why don’t we- “
“All this time, all I did was escape from a possibly uncomfortable reality, perhaps a cruel one, I have no idea... I realized it while being with you. You and I are so similar… we were so similar.”
The strong wind whips their tousled hair and Jongin can barely hear what the other is saying.
“What do you mean? Look into my eyes,” the younger man demands, body crossed by shivers.
“What are you escaping from, Jongin?” Kyungsoo’s harsh tone and words feel like a slap in the face. “I want to find out, Jongin. What I’m escaping from.”
“Hyung, I-I can’t go back to that life anymore.”
“You can if you change it. You don’t have to go back to the old reality, you can go back to a new one, but only if you really want it.”
Jongin remains silent.
“Jongin, there’s no point taking refuge in dreams and forget to live,” Kyungsoo says in a low voice, expression pitiful.
Jongin swallows.
“I want to live, I want to go back to reality,” the other man states resolute.
In the eerie silence that follows, Kyungsoo keeps on staring below the cliff, the waves crashing over into it.
“I know what to do,” he murmurs.
Abruptly, he climbs on the low wall defying the high wind pushing him back, legs slightly apart for balance.
Jongin is terrified, heart pounding from anxiety.
“What are you doing, hyung? Are you crazy? You could die!” He shouts.
But then a thought crosses him mind. Kyungsoo, a long time ago, had told him about how one can potentially die in the realm dreams. But those were just guesses, fantasies.
Kyungsoo looks at him smiling, amused by his brilliant idea.
“If I die in this world, maybe I’ll die in the real world too. After all, my existence has become more real here than anywhere else. Or, I could cease to exist in this reality to return to the other one. Whatever happens, it’s worth trying, isn’t it?”
Jongin is scared and angry. He breathes heavily and tries to hold back tears threatening to spill out. He can’t think clearly and feels his temples throb.
Kyungsoo could be right, but will it really be worth it?
“This world is so perfect, our dreams are perfect. I want to stay with you, here!” He begs.
“I have thought about it for a long time, believe me. I’m sure there are people worried for me, and for you as well. Jongin, let’s stop playing and let’s go away. We spent so much time together in this world made of nothing but dreams, of nothing! Wouldn’t it be better to wake up together?” And he holds out his hand to Jongin who takes another deep breath.
“Do you think I can find you?” He murmurs.
“I have no doubt,” the older man grins.
The red scarf tied around Kyungsoo’s neck flutters in the strong wind coming from the sea.
“Let’s forget all about this world and go back to the one we belong to. Would you come with me, Jongin?”
Jongin hesitates. He doesn’t want to abandon such a perfect world, but he can’t ignore Kyungsoo’s words either. The older man had the courage to reveal fears that Jongin had flagrantly ignored for most of his adult life, too scared to face the world outside.
He had been living with this fear of the unknown inside himself for so long that he can’t imagine how it would be like to live without it, to be finally liberated from it. He has spent years building the shell that protects his vulnerabilities, has fought to hold up the defenses, but deep inside he knows he has been running away for far too long. Jongin knows that sooner or later he will have to stop and deal with everything that has ended locked in a drawer of his mind.
By himself, he didn’t think he would ever be able to find the courage to try but Kyungsoo, with his determination, has triggered the spring that is now pushing Jongin ahead towards a future that he has never imagined for himself, a future he didn’t know he wanted.
Turning the dream into reality, maybe, it wasn’t a bad idea.
Jongin takes another deep breath and feels his heart thumping wildly, his feet anchored to the ground heavy as boulders. He looks around and throws one last look at the fine line that demarcates this misty dream, a boundary beyond which he will never go.
For a moment neither of them utters a word, until Jongin grabs Kyungsoo’s hand and with difficulty climbs up on the low wall. The overhanging below them sends chills down his spine and the rough sea below looks cold and inhospitable. In the dark sky the clouds are swollen with rain and the wind lashes their faces as they look out towards the distant horizon.
Standing on the edge of the cliff and peering over, Jongin can see the waves crashing on the rocks below. The chill wind bites into him, pushing Jongin back from the precipice, but he stands his ground, watching the menacing waves beat the base of the cliff.
Cracks of thunder rumbles through the sky.
Kyungsoo squeezes his hand encouragingly, and they both hold their breaths as they jump.
Jongin doesn’t even remember hitting the water.
///
Despite being winter, it is still quite warm in Seoul.
Jongin, after having searched far and wide, had managed to find the cafe where months before he had met Kyungsoo, but there was no trace of the older man. Even so, Jongin had returned to that cafe many times since then, hoping to meet him someday.
Even this morning he had been there for a light breakfast before heading to the publishing house for which he has started working as a junior editor. Following his return to the real world, he had left his job and decided to give his dream another chance. It had taken a lot of courage but Jongin believed it was worth it.
He is still far from his dream job but, at least, he has taken the first step towards it. Jongin had found the courage to desire for himself the future he had, until then, only imagined in secret.
Little by little, something in his personality has changed and this thought, this newfound positivity, has a sweet flavor and gives him a very welcome stability.
Though it was hard to imagine a different Jongin other than the one he had always been, he had made the decision to reconcile himself and the world. He didn’t want to be scared anymore of what was out there, and, even though he didn’t think it would be an easy task, he didn’t mind the idea of trying. The thought wasn’t so frightening anymore, which it was a good start.
As evidence of his decision, Jongin had dreamed again of taking a train. This time, however, he had been able to catch it. In the dream he was on an old steam train that ran noisily through vast sun-drenched fields. Jongin, from his seat, admired the entrancing landscape running past the window before his eyes. He was at peace, the luminous sky boundless above his head.
At first, Jongin hadn’t realized it, but he had done it. The dream that had haunted him for months had been defeated, and, after that one time, Jongin didn’t dream of trains anymore. He had found his direction, and he had decided which path he was ready to take.
The road ahead is long: so many decisions to make, so many dreams and opportunities to reclaim. However, he is confident he will be able to overcome the obstacles one by one and be what he has always dreamed to be: happy.
Following the dream, Jongin had awakened in a bed of the Seoul General Hospital, disoriented and with a dry throat. He had pulled himself up with great difficulty, his back sore, and he had made a great effort to keep control of his body.
Then, Jongin had tried to make sense of all the white around him until a doctor had come running to his room, followed by a nurse, warning him to not get up.
The doctor had to explain to a very confused patient that he had been found thanks to a neighbor. The resident was worried for him because it had been days since the last time he had seen the new young tenant around. And that was the story of how Kim Jongin was found passed out and feverish, alone in his own apartment.
The doctor had continued adding that he hadn’t been able to put a name to what had happened to Jongin. The only symptoms attesting that something was wrong with his patient were dehydration and high fever.
Maybe he just passed out from high fever. However, they could do nothing but monitor him, waiting for sleeping beauty to wake up.
Jongin had slept for three consecutive days. So deep was his sleep that he had seemed to be in a coma.
Afterward, the fever had slowly subsided and Jongin was discharged two days later, at his explicit request. Determined that there was nothing else wrong with him, the doctor had given his consent, albeit hesitantly.
Jongin puts aside these thoughts when he arrives at the traffic light. Together with the pedestrians waiting at the intersection, he looks ahead.
Today, his briefcase doesn’t seem so heavy and he waits for the green light while listening to the chatter of passersby ready, just like him, to start a new day. Office employees, students, housewives, couples, senior citizens accompanying their grandchildren to school. It makes Jongin smile how aware he is of the warmth and the light shining from all those lives that surround him.
And that’s when Jongin sees him, on the other side of the road, staring at him.
The man was rocking on his heels, and after a moment’s hesitation, he waves his hand mouthing a hello.
Jongin looks at him in awe. In that moment, Kyungsoo appears to him more handsome than ever.
His research has come to an end. He has found him.
The insecurities he felt weighing on his heart seem to melt with Kyungsoo’s bright smile.
Jongin feared he wouldn’t see him ever again; he was afraid Kyungsoo was hiding from him, but he was wrong.
Kyungsoo smiles sweetly at him, eyes crinkling, and Jongin’s heart thumps wildly in his chest.
Thousands of opportunities come before his very eyes and he sighs relieved, heart light as never before, enjoying the quiet of the moments that separate them.
Jongin glances at the green little man of the traffic light and crosses the road with long strides, without looking back.
The end.
Pairing/Main character(s): Jongin/Kyungsoo
///
When Jongin opens his eyes, to his right he sees a long straight road illuminated by small orange and yellow lights that follow one another at regular intervals. It is dark outside and rain falls silently.
He makes himself comfortable in the backseat and watches the raindrops slide down the car window. In the silence that envelops the vehicle, Jongin listens to the soothing pitter-patter of the rain, until he feels a soft hand gently envelope his own. To his left sits Kyungsoo. Jongin can’t see him well but he knows he is there staring at him. The smaller man intertwines his fingers with Jongin’s and exhales contentedly, getting closer.
“There you are again, finally,” says Jongin softly. “I was beginning to think it was all a joke, that you were truly only a figment of my imagination.”
“I might as well be, what do you say?”
Jongin has been sleeping more and more lately, hoping to see Kyungsoo again, and now that his wish has come true, he can rest his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and savor the moment.
The man’s woolen scarf tickles his cheek and Jongin, closing his eyes, tries to ignore the rapid beat of his heart.
“Have you been avoiding me, hyung?” He asks, but Kyungsoo doesn’t answer. Jongin doesn’t want to upset him like last time, therefore he decides to change the topic. “Where are we going?”
“I don’t know… I think this dream is yours,” Kyungsoo replies after a moment. “Where do you think your subconscious is carrying you? Your subconscious has created all this based on your desires and fears, your past and your present. This should give you an idea, think about it.”
“You aren’t helping me at all...” Jongin answers listlessly.
And Jongin, once again, wonders why his dreams are what they are. Engrossed in “the real world’s affairs” he has done nothing but accumulate everything that has happened inside himself in the last few years into what he considered a bottomless pit. But, like water accumulated drop after drop in a bucket, the pit was now ready to burst: Jongin is immensely tired.
The agitation, anguish and anxiety by now have become a constant in his daily life, part of his identity, preventing him from thinking clearly. Still, everything seems to dissolve into nothingness when he is with Kyungsoo. His presence manages to make him feel secure, wanted.
He has no idea where they are and doesn’t know what is out there, but he also knows that it doesn’t matter. For some unknown reason, he feels secure in the uncertain reality that feels so real that surrounds him, and he accepts it.
Rain keeps falling steadily, big black drops of water drench the foggy realm of dreams, but Jongin isn’t moving. There is no other place he would rather be than here, with Kyungsoo.
“You know, I thought about it... my name. Kyungsoo. It means bright and refined.”
Jongin nods imperceptibly, burrowing more securely into Kyungsoo’s side. “I don’t know a single person named Kyungsoo, nor I knew of your name’s meaning. I guess it means that I couldn’t have created you…”
“And?”
“And I’m happy. But tell me, why are you telling me this only now?”
“I didn’t remember, that’s all. In the realm of dreams, time flows differently from the other world and I don’t know how long I have been here. I’ve told this to you before.”
“I see.”
“I wonder what else I forgot,” Kyungsoo says in a low voice. The sentence, barely audible, is directed more to himself than to Jongin, but he hears it clearly anyway.
“Even I will begin to forget?” Jongin sits straight again and looks up at Kyungsoo with wonder mixed with excitement. “Can’t I stay with you?” He adds a few moments later. The most important question escapes naturally from his lips.
“Please.”
In the silence that follows, Jongin feels his heart rate increase and wonders if Kyungsoo can feel it too. In the faint light he can’t see their clasped hands, but the tranquility that pervades him in the narrow space gives him a sense of security.
When Jongin sees Kyungsoo nod solemnly, he sees the soft lights from the street tinge Kyungsoo’s big eyes a new light and Jongin naturally sidles impossibly closer to him. The attraction so unbearable that he can’t help but kiss him. The older man responds with as much fervor and Jongin enjoys the feel of the other’s lips against his own. Kyungsoo’s arms circling him are firm and Jongin breaths out softly against the other’s plump lips, feeling his heart beat frantically as their lips touch again and again.
“I’m sorry, Jongin.”
“Don’t be, it’s my choice.”
The tense atmosphere gradually disappears and Jongin can relax once again.
He can stay.
In the following minutes, or perhaps hours, Jongin quietly enjoys the presence of Kyungsoo beside him. Now Kyungsoo is the one with his head on Jongin’s shoulder, his hair tickling the younger man’s cheek.
For Jongin it is impossible to not smile when he thinks, naively, that all this can really only be a dream, a beautiful dream.
Somewhere in his head he understands that this isn’t real, but he doesn’t care.
///
“Tell me, what is it like to be tired?” Kyungsoo wonders.
In this dream, they are walking along a country road, a vast sun-drenched clearing ahead of them. Trees are sparse and the high sunlit clouds drift across a clear blue sky. The white sunshine blinds Jongin who walks slowly beside Kyungsoo. The older man’s measured steps are silent as he makes his way through the tall grass swayed by the gentle breeze.
Jongin remains silent for a minute before answering.
“It feels as if all your emotions are blurred: pity for yourself, pity for others, joy, sorrow, anger, fear, sense of loss or abandonment. Everything is mixed in a vortex of color and, in the end, the only color you see is black. You feel one indistinct, indefinable emotion.”
They arrive in the clearing and Kyungsoo invites Jongin to follow him as he lies down in the middle of the field. He caresses the flowers nearby, examines them carefully and picks those attracting his attention. Then he sits, legs crossed, and begins to weave the flowers into a crown. The carefully chosen wildflowers are all of different delicate colors: pink cosmos, baby blue eyes, corn marigold and daisies.
Jongin sits down next to him in the expanse of uniform green grass glowing in the sunset, the delicate fragrance of the meadow flowers surrounding them. The shadows of scattered trees draw figures on the ground and Jongin tries to imagine what those shapes may represent.
“I don’t remember feeling a single one of the emotions you mentioned, but it seems interesting,” Kyungsoo says without looking away from the flowers in his lap.
“Yeah. It appears as though I know a lot about that sense of exhaustion and uncertainty that ruins life,” Jongin jokes.
“Tell me more. Of the reality from which you come from,” he requests, picking a new flower.
Jongin thinks that, if ever he decided to go back, the Jongin who he had been until then could surely no longer exist. He remembers a time when that Jongin had existed, but in his mind he can’t easily identify his distinctive characteristics and personality. The more he thinks about it the more the contours of that reality become hazy. How had he been living his life until then? Jongin can’t imagine his return to that life.
“I have already told you about my job, and I have described my apartment to you many times. I don’t know what else I could add to entertain you, hyung,” he laughs.
“Anything will do.”
“Uhm…” Jongin casts a glance in the direction of the horizon line that delimitates the dream. It is a foggy line, where nothing can be distinguished or touched. Kyungsoo had explained to him that, no matter how far you walk towards it, that line can’t be reached. The realm of dreams is simply limitless.
He looks away soon after to pick a flower, as he thinks of a fond memory to share with the other.
“When I was a child I liked to follow my mom to the public library, and sitting beside her, I used to leaf through illustrated books. My mom usually did researches relevant to her job or read romantic novels for hours. Too immersed into her own world, she was, most of the time, oblivious of my presence next to her. But I loved spending my afternoons with her, skip homework, and lose myself in the smell of the illustrated books and their images’ bright colors.”
Jongin stops when he sees Kyungsoo look up at the sky to watch the clouds run fast above their heads, immersed in a thoughtful silence.
“I can’t recall anything from my childhood. I must have been here for a very long time.” Kyungsoo looks sad and Jongin worries he has said something wrong.
“It doesn’t matter, hyung. I will soon forget, and you won’t feel alone anymore,” Jongin states, trying to appease Kyungsoo.
“Alone... alone, you say. What does it mean Jongin?”
The blank stare in the older man’s eyes confuses Jongin.
Kyungsoo keeps forgetting details about his past life each passing dream.
“When no other person is with you. When I’m not here with you… don’t you feel lonely, hyung?”
“Oh yes, now I understand what you mean,” replies Kyungsoo dazedly as he lowers his gaze back on the crown of flowers. Only few flowers remain in the smaller man’s lap. The crown is almost finished.
“This is for you, Jongin. I’m almost done.”
The confusion that clouded his eyes seems vanished and Kyungsoo is immediately back to his happy self.
Jongin is relieved.
His skill enchants Jongin who watches him put one flower after another in the crown and gently tie each stem to one another, humming a sweet melody under his breath.
Sunlight illuminates the clearing of a warm yellow that makes Kyungsoo’s pale cheeks shine, his full lips pursed in concentration. Jongin can almost count his long eyelashes as he quietly draws near the other.
“I’m comfortable around you. You are like home,” Jongin murmurs, surprising even himself with his sudden confession. “I like you so much, hyung, and I don’t even know why.”
Kyungsoo stops and looks up to him, a shy sweet smile gracing his features.
“I’m glad.”
///
“How can this world be only a figment of my, our, imagination? How can this be only real in our heads?” Says Jongin, taking a handful of sand in both his hands. “Look, the grains are so precise and shiny, like real ones.”
With his changed frame of mind, what reflects in his eyes looks different, magnificent. Dream after dream with Kyungsoo, Jongin has seen places and scenarios of unimaginable beauty. Together, they have seen snow-capped mountains that Jongin had longed for when he fell asleep in the sweltering heat of midsummer in his small bedroom, theatrical performances in not well specified eras, rivers where he had dreamed of fishing giant salmons when he was a child, endless gardens and street markets in different cities from all around the world.
Kyungsoo wasn’t always in his dreams. Sometimes Jongin walked around aimlessly trying to get a glimpse of the older man without success; other times Kyungsoo was already there waiting for him. But most of the time, they manage to find each other.
Jongin usually talks about what he can recollect of the real world he has left behind, while Kyungsoo likes to share details on what he has learned about dreams and the realm of dreams.
Jongin always feels a curious sense of nostalgia when he looks at the other and is deeply attracted to Kyungsoo. And even today, sitting on the seashore side by side, legs crossed, Jongin has eyes for no one but him.
Their day has been a pleasant one. The clear blue sky and the warmth emanating from the sand has put Jongin in a good mood.
“I think the deception is right here, in the very fine line between imagination and reality. Otherwise, why would we love dreams so much?”
Jongin nods. “What do you do when I’m not here? I keep meaning to ask.”
“I dream of dreams belonging to me only, but since you showed up I’m not so sure. Are these dreams yours or mine? Who wanted all this, you or me?” And with an arm outstretched he points at the surrounding landscape.
Then, Kyungsoo recounts the dreams he can remember: the peculiarity of the places he visits when he is alone, describing people and conversations in great detail.
Jongin listens in fascination; the older man isn’t speaking in his usual quiet voice. There is a hint of impatience in his tone, something that sometimes Kyungsoo can’t conceal, even though his actions and words are always careful and well-thought. Jongin can tell because the other has started to gesticulate with his hands, and it is something he does only when he is nervous or insecure about something.
Jongin doesn’t know what to do. Maybe Kyungsoo is getting tired of him, and he tries his best not to feel grumpy as his shoulders slump forward in disappointment. He forces himself to look away, towards the open sea.
There is no one but the two of them on the endless seashore. The only sound is the lapping of the waves running ceaselessly one after another until they break on the solitary shoreline and ebb away. The beach stretches for kilometers under the boundless pink sky and the horizon seems to be stitched into the sky.
Jongin has lost track of the time spent with Kyungsoo. He can’t divide anymore the days into hours, minutes, and seconds. All the time spent dreaming seems to him to be no longer than a moment and, at the same time, longer than eternity.
As of now, Jongin doesn’t remember when was the last time he woke up in the real world to get out of bed and go grocery shopping, go to work, meet relatives, or friends. At this point, he spends the majority of his time in the realm of dreams and thinks less and less about what he has left behind. The details of the real world begin to be as vague as the contours of the dreams that he lives. Jongin, while observing the relaxing landscape, thinks that he has never felt like this in his life.
“Kyungsoo, you aren’t just my fantasy, am I right?” Jongin holds his breath and doesn’t dare to look at the man in the eye.
“I think so...” the other answers, taking a handful of sand and slowly letting it drift through his fingers. “No, I’m sure of it. Somewhere out there I’m a real person. What little I can remember of my past must be true.”
Jongin turns to him and grabs one of his hands. “Really? But even here you’re real, I can feel it!”
“I wouldn’t be so sure. Maybe I’ve only dreamed of having another life. After all, the realm of dreams messes with your head,” he explains pointing a finger to his head. “Lately, it seems all so strange to me, so intangible,” he adds frustrated.
“The real you, where do you think it may be right now?”
“Perhaps, I live in Seoul, from where you come from, perhaps we are closer than we think. Do you think that’s possible?” Kyungsoo looks at the taller man with wide eyes, an uncertainty never seen before in his big eyes, and Jongin shudders.
“It must be so! Then again, where would I ever go?” He answers, gripping Kyungsoo’s hand tighter.
But Kyungsoo doesn’t utter a word. He lets go of Jongin’s hand as he gets up and aims for the near cliff, leaving footprints in the gold sand.
Jongin sighs dejectedly.
The weather has suddenly changed, and raising his eyes to the sky, Jongin sees a flash. Gray storm clouds promise rain which has yet to arrive. He casts his gaze over the sea and sees the clear blue water from before now dark and threatening. Jongin feels the cold suddenly creep into his bones and shakes his head, annoyed that the weather in the realm of dreams can change without warning, reacting quickly to their feelings.
Something inside him, or Kyungsoo, must have triggered the change.
The next flash blinds him, and Jongin tries to shake away the cold that has invaded him by standing up, but that’s when he realizes that the scenery around has changed again. They are on the cliff, far from the beach.
Kyungsoo, ahead of him, is moving forward towards the precipice of the cliff.
Jongin feels the hard rocks beneath his feet and unsteadily follows the other man.
“Don’t you ever think about what we could do together on the other side?” Kyungsoo asks keeping his eyes fixed on the precipice that separates them from the rough sea.
“Huh?” Jongin thinks about it for a moment. “Whatever you would like to do, hyung, here it would turn out one hundred times better and exactly how you want it to be,” he gives a hollow laugh, trying to play down, sensing tension in the air.
“This world made of everything and nothing makes no sense. I’m never tired, I never sleep nor feel hunger or thirst. I don’t know how I got here or why and I can’t help but think that I must have forgotten many memories… too many memories.” He sounds desperate. “I don’t want to forget any more, Jongin. I’m afraid.” And for the first time, his voice cracks.
“Afraid? Don’t you like to dream? Or maybe you are tired of me?” Jongin inquires with a lump in his throat.
“No, that’s not it...” Kyungsoo sighs and impatiently runs a hand through his short hair.
“We’ve been through it before. I will not return. Why don’t we- “
“All this time, all I did was escape from a possibly uncomfortable reality, perhaps a cruel one, I have no idea... I realized it while being with you. You and I are so similar… we were so similar.”
The strong wind whips their tousled hair and Jongin can barely hear what the other is saying.
“What do you mean? Look into my eyes,” the younger man demands, body crossed by shivers.
“What are you escaping from, Jongin?” Kyungsoo’s harsh tone and words feel like a slap in the face. “I want to find out, Jongin. What I’m escaping from.”
“Hyung, I-I can’t go back to that life anymore.”
“You can if you change it. You don’t have to go back to the old reality, you can go back to a new one, but only if you really want it.”
Jongin remains silent.
“Jongin, there’s no point taking refuge in dreams and forget to live,” Kyungsoo says in a low voice, expression pitiful.
Jongin swallows.
“I want to live, I want to go back to reality,” the other man states resolute.
In the eerie silence that follows, Kyungsoo keeps on staring below the cliff, the waves crashing over into it.
“I know what to do,” he murmurs.
Abruptly, he climbs on the low wall defying the high wind pushing him back, legs slightly apart for balance.
Jongin is terrified, heart pounding from anxiety.
“What are you doing, hyung? Are you crazy? You could die!” He shouts.
But then a thought crosses him mind. Kyungsoo, a long time ago, had told him about how one can potentially die in the realm dreams. But those were just guesses, fantasies.
Kyungsoo looks at him smiling, amused by his brilliant idea.
“If I die in this world, maybe I’ll die in the real world too. After all, my existence has become more real here than anywhere else. Or, I could cease to exist in this reality to return to the other one. Whatever happens, it’s worth trying, isn’t it?”
Jongin is scared and angry. He breathes heavily and tries to hold back tears threatening to spill out. He can’t think clearly and feels his temples throb.
Kyungsoo could be right, but will it really be worth it?
“This world is so perfect, our dreams are perfect. I want to stay with you, here!” He begs.
“I have thought about it for a long time, believe me. I’m sure there are people worried for me, and for you as well. Jongin, let’s stop playing and let’s go away. We spent so much time together in this world made of nothing but dreams, of nothing! Wouldn’t it be better to wake up together?” And he holds out his hand to Jongin who takes another deep breath.
“Do you think I can find you?” He murmurs.
“I have no doubt,” the older man grins.
The red scarf tied around Kyungsoo’s neck flutters in the strong wind coming from the sea.
“Let’s forget all about this world and go back to the one we belong to. Would you come with me, Jongin?”
Jongin hesitates. He doesn’t want to abandon such a perfect world, but he can’t ignore Kyungsoo’s words either. The older man had the courage to reveal fears that Jongin had flagrantly ignored for most of his adult life, too scared to face the world outside.
He had been living with this fear of the unknown inside himself for so long that he can’t imagine how it would be like to live without it, to be finally liberated from it. He has spent years building the shell that protects his vulnerabilities, has fought to hold up the defenses, but deep inside he knows he has been running away for far too long. Jongin knows that sooner or later he will have to stop and deal with everything that has ended locked in a drawer of his mind.
By himself, he didn’t think he would ever be able to find the courage to try but Kyungsoo, with his determination, has triggered the spring that is now pushing Jongin ahead towards a future that he has never imagined for himself, a future he didn’t know he wanted.
Turning the dream into reality, maybe, it wasn’t a bad idea.
Jongin takes another deep breath and feels his heart thumping wildly, his feet anchored to the ground heavy as boulders. He looks around and throws one last look at the fine line that demarcates this misty dream, a boundary beyond which he will never go.
For a moment neither of them utters a word, until Jongin grabs Kyungsoo’s hand and with difficulty climbs up on the low wall. The overhanging below them sends chills down his spine and the rough sea below looks cold and inhospitable. In the dark sky the clouds are swollen with rain and the wind lashes their faces as they look out towards the distant horizon.
Standing on the edge of the cliff and peering over, Jongin can see the waves crashing on the rocks below. The chill wind bites into him, pushing Jongin back from the precipice, but he stands his ground, watching the menacing waves beat the base of the cliff.
Cracks of thunder rumbles through the sky.
Kyungsoo squeezes his hand encouragingly, and they both hold their breaths as they jump.
Jongin doesn’t even remember hitting the water.
///
Despite being winter, it is still quite warm in Seoul.
Jongin, after having searched far and wide, had managed to find the cafe where months before he had met Kyungsoo, but there was no trace of the older man. Even so, Jongin had returned to that cafe many times since then, hoping to meet him someday.
Even this morning he had been there for a light breakfast before heading to the publishing house for which he has started working as a junior editor. Following his return to the real world, he had left his job and decided to give his dream another chance. It had taken a lot of courage but Jongin believed it was worth it.
He is still far from his dream job but, at least, he has taken the first step towards it. Jongin had found the courage to desire for himself the future he had, until then, only imagined in secret.
Little by little, something in his personality has changed and this thought, this newfound positivity, has a sweet flavor and gives him a very welcome stability.
Though it was hard to imagine a different Jongin other than the one he had always been, he had made the decision to reconcile himself and the world. He didn’t want to be scared anymore of what was out there, and, even though he didn’t think it would be an easy task, he didn’t mind the idea of trying. The thought wasn’t so frightening anymore, which it was a good start.
As evidence of his decision, Jongin had dreamed again of taking a train. This time, however, he had been able to catch it. In the dream he was on an old steam train that ran noisily through vast sun-drenched fields. Jongin, from his seat, admired the entrancing landscape running past the window before his eyes. He was at peace, the luminous sky boundless above his head.
At first, Jongin hadn’t realized it, but he had done it. The dream that had haunted him for months had been defeated, and, after that one time, Jongin didn’t dream of trains anymore. He had found his direction, and he had decided which path he was ready to take.
The road ahead is long: so many decisions to make, so many dreams and opportunities to reclaim. However, he is confident he will be able to overcome the obstacles one by one and be what he has always dreamed to be: happy.
Following the dream, Jongin had awakened in a bed of the Seoul General Hospital, disoriented and with a dry throat. He had pulled himself up with great difficulty, his back sore, and he had made a great effort to keep control of his body.
Then, Jongin had tried to make sense of all the white around him until a doctor had come running to his room, followed by a nurse, warning him to not get up.
The doctor had to explain to a very confused patient that he had been found thanks to a neighbor. The resident was worried for him because it had been days since the last time he had seen the new young tenant around. And that was the story of how Kim Jongin was found passed out and feverish, alone in his own apartment.
The doctor had continued adding that he hadn’t been able to put a name to what had happened to Jongin. The only symptoms attesting that something was wrong with his patient were dehydration and high fever.
Maybe he just passed out from high fever. However, they could do nothing but monitor him, waiting for sleeping beauty to wake up.
Jongin had slept for three consecutive days. So deep was his sleep that he had seemed to be in a coma.
Afterward, the fever had slowly subsided and Jongin was discharged two days later, at his explicit request. Determined that there was nothing else wrong with him, the doctor had given his consent, albeit hesitantly.
Jongin puts aside these thoughts when he arrives at the traffic light. Together with the pedestrians waiting at the intersection, he looks ahead.
Today, his briefcase doesn’t seem so heavy and he waits for the green light while listening to the chatter of passersby ready, just like him, to start a new day. Office employees, students, housewives, couples, senior citizens accompanying their grandchildren to school. It makes Jongin smile how aware he is of the warmth and the light shining from all those lives that surround him.
And that’s when Jongin sees him, on the other side of the road, staring at him.
The man was rocking on his heels, and after a moment’s hesitation, he waves his hand mouthing a hello.
Jongin looks at him in awe. In that moment, Kyungsoo appears to him more handsome than ever.
His research has come to an end. He has found him.
The insecurities he felt weighing on his heart seem to melt with Kyungsoo’s bright smile.
Jongin feared he wouldn’t see him ever again; he was afraid Kyungsoo was hiding from him, but he was wrong.
Kyungsoo smiles sweetly at him, eyes crinkling, and Jongin’s heart thumps wildly in his chest.
Thousands of opportunities come before his very eyes and he sighs relieved, heart light as never before, enjoying the quiet of the moments that separate them.
Jongin glances at the green little man of the traffic light and crosses the road with long strides, without looking back.
The end.