This journal...
Well it has truly turned into a journal for me. Every couple months or so I drop by and update how my life is going, usually when I'm feel particularly sappy or nostalgic. This is one of those times.
Did I mention I graduated? Yup. I'm an adult now. Except not really, because I'm still such a kid.
Going off to college makes me nervous though, I'm scared about being away from my family and my friends, and figuring out if I have what it takes to go for my dreams. Because a few years ago I was mulling over the idea of what to choose for my major and I kept telling myself that I wasn't good enough, that there were always people better than me. I told myself I was just average. But that's not true. I am more than average, I am talented, I am intelligent, I am going forward, I am persistent, I am going to do this. That moment I said I would not look back, there is no turning back now. I decided to stop listening to other people and go for my dream. That's what life is about. Going for it. Doing what makes you happy. So I'm not going to give up until I'm there, until I am happy, until I wake up each morning and am excited for work. I will not accept anything less. Because in the end it's the people who don't give up that succeed.
On another note, I'm not really very concerned about drifting away from my friends. These friends I have now, I know they are forever. I really, really do. This is not me being corny or defiant, I truly know in my gut that these people are going to last. After all, the internet connects us all so much more now. Plus, I'm just so much closer with them. I am so glad to have these wonderful friends in my life, I am so incredibly blessed. There are a few people I know I probably will not see any more. Like that drug abusing friend I constantly mention. Or should I say ex-friend? Sometimes I want to call her up and ask her to hang out, but I know what would happen and I know how she'll be acting and I already left that dark world.
They always say how light can come from the darkest situations and I believe this. I have seen it first hand. But at the same time, there is a darkness, a tiny shadow, that remains in my heart because of my past. I used to think it was normal, the things I went through, but I'm not begining to understand that I was never normal and my life was never normal and it never will be. But that's okay. It's okay. The past is what makes us who we are.
I see now that I had two paths infront of me, I could have taken the wrong step and been in a completely different place right now. A horrible place. I didn't notice it at that time, but I made a huge decision when I chose to go the way I did. I think I always knew I didn't belong where I was, there was always an off feeling, uncomfortable, like a puzzle piece forced into the wrong spot. I was that piece. Now that I'm gone though, I wonder what the puzzle looks like, I wonder how things ended up. But I don't really care anymore. I'm happy here, far away from where I was, I am so happy. The happiest I have ever been.
Because out of darkness comes light. I am in the light. The beautiful, shining, golden light.
But that makes me wonder...anywhere there is light there is also a shadow lurking not far behind. This is the constant battle we all face. That shadow behind us, I call it the past. My past. But we're on good terms now, because I repsect my shadow, I respect the things it has done for me, the person it has molded me into. So thank you shadow, thank you past. Thank you for my new life. My brand new brilliant life.
I saw this in a Every Avenue music video and I think it really fits here: "If you can make it through that much bad, the rest is easy"