WHY HOBBITS ARE SEXIER THAN ELVES
I simply don't get why is so much more Elf porn than Hobbit porn. Hobbits are CLEARLY hotter.
Case in point:
Typical Elf Sex:
Haldir: Legolas, my dear friend, I have known you ever since you were but to my knee. Over the years, I confess, my heart has grown warm with the sight of you.
Legolas: And I at the sight of you. Ever have our families been friends, though we live apart. Let me tell you the saga of my forefathers and yours and their great deeds together.
(Legolas talks of this for 2 pages.)
Haldir: Ah such stories never fail but to bring a tear to my eye. Such fellowship is rare these days. It reminds me of the legend of Sallendier and Thallatusle:
(Haldir relates this legend, in poetic verse, for 5 pages.)
Legolas: The love between those elves has long been held ideal in my mind. I would that I may one day attain such a beautiful, graceful relationship.
Haldir: Have you thought much of who you would choose to take to your arms?
Legolas: In truth, I have.
Haldir: And may it be one I know?
Legolas: In truth, it is.
(They play guessing games for 2 pages)
Haldir: Well, then I know of only one elf, living or dead who fits that description. Could it be, my dearest friend, you have come to love me?
Legolas: It is true.
Haldir: I am touched beyond words -
(Haldir goes on to describe just how much he is touched for 6 paragraphs)
Legolas: It would please me beyond words if you should allow me to kiss but the least nail upon your hand.
Haldir: That is but a small thing. I do so grant it to you.
(Legolas goes down on his knee and kisses Haldir's pinkie. Haldir then also goes down on his knees and kisses Legolas's forehead.)
Legolas: I am overcome. Thank you, my love. I shall let this memory be a light in dark places.
Haldir: And I shall remember this as well. And write poetry of it.
Legolas: Farewell!
Haldir: Farewell! Dearest love. May we meet again before this age is over.
HOBBIT SEX:
Merry: Ah, Pippin. I'm horny.
Pippin: Are you now?
Merry: Aye, my balls are blue, it's been ages since I had a good shag.
Pippin: Wot. I sucked you off last night, you horn dog.
Merry: Well that's hardly what you'd call a shag, now is it? That was just lip service.
Pippin: Very well, I could use a roll in the hay myself. Fetch the lube, Merry.
Merry: Wot? You have the lube, you ass.
Pippin: I never!
Merry: (Worried) Don't tell me you lost it!
Pippin: (Laughing) Nah. Of course not. I just wanted to see your expression. I've got it here. (Fetches lube out of his pack.)
(Frodo and Sam walk in.)
Frodo: Ah, Merry, Pippin what are you two up to?
Pippin: We was going to have ourselves a good shag. Care to join?
Sam: Sure! That's sounds great!
Frodo: I'm a bit tired. I'll just watch.
Sam: Aw, Master Frodo, are you not feeling well?
Frodo: I'm fine, Sam. Don't worry about me. Go fuck with Merry and Pippin.
Sam: (doubtfully) Are you sure?
Frodo: Completely. It will make me happy to see you all screwing.
Sam: (feeling better) Well then.
They screw like bunnies.
Sam: I feel sad that Master Frodo isn't getting any. Even with the ring, he must have needs.
Frodo: You are so thoughtful.
Sam: Well, let me suck you off at least. You can just lie back and enjoy.
Frodo: Thank you, Sam. What ever would I do without you?
(Aragorn enters with a dead rabbit in one hand, stares at the naked hobbits and gapes.)
Aragorn: What on earth? What are you hobbits up to?
Merry: We're shagging Strider.
Pippin: Aye, care to join in?
Aragorn: (Surprised and blushing) Do you hobbits do this a lot?
Merry: Of course! It's almost as much fun as eating! Don't rangers?
Pippin: Don't tell me Ranger's don't fuck!
(Merry and Pippin look horrified at each other.)
Sam: Have you no one to love you, sir?
Aragorn: I am deeply in love with an Elf maiden of surpassing beauty.
Sam: Ah. That sounds lovely, sir.
Pippin: Yes, but do you SHAG her?
Aragorn: No, we have not reached the point of consummating our love. She allows me to kiss her, that is all. The rest will wait until our marriage night. Until that day, I can hold out.
Merry: Well, that doesn't sound like a lot of fun. How long have you been waiting?
Aragorn: Sixty years.
(All four hobbits look horrified).
Merry: What a shame.
Sam: Indeed.
Frodo: Sixty years without sex! However do you manage it?
Pippin: His hand I'm guessing.
Aragorn: I have never had sex. Sex without love is like morning without sunlight.
Frodo: You were raised by elves, weren't you, Strider?
Aragorn: Yes… how did you guess?
Merry: Well you only say that because you don't know what you are missing.
Pippin: Really! Hey, Merry, Frodo, Sam, you know what we should do!
Merry: Aye Pippin.
Sam: Yes!
Frodo: Yes! Let's!
All dogpile on Aragorn. Much happy smexing fills the rest of the afternoon.
Case in point:
Typical Elf Sex:
Haldir: Legolas, my dear friend, I have known you ever since you were but to my knee. Over the years, I confess, my heart has grown warm with the sight of you.
Legolas: And I at the sight of you. Ever have our families been friends, though we live apart. Let me tell you the saga of my forefathers and yours and their great deeds together.
(Legolas talks of this for 2 pages.)
Haldir: Ah such stories never fail but to bring a tear to my eye. Such fellowship is rare these days. It reminds me of the legend of Sallendier and Thallatusle:
(Haldir relates this legend, in poetic verse, for 5 pages.)
Legolas: The love between those elves has long been held ideal in my mind. I would that I may one day attain such a beautiful, graceful relationship.
Haldir: Have you thought much of who you would choose to take to your arms?
Legolas: In truth, I have.
Haldir: And may it be one I know?
Legolas: In truth, it is.
(They play guessing games for 2 pages)
Haldir: Well, then I know of only one elf, living or dead who fits that description. Could it be, my dearest friend, you have come to love me?
Legolas: It is true.
Haldir: I am touched beyond words -
(Haldir goes on to describe just how much he is touched for 6 paragraphs)
Legolas: It would please me beyond words if you should allow me to kiss but the least nail upon your hand.
Haldir: That is but a small thing. I do so grant it to you.
(Legolas goes down on his knee and kisses Haldir's pinkie. Haldir then also goes down on his knees and kisses Legolas's forehead.)
Legolas: I am overcome. Thank you, my love. I shall let this memory be a light in dark places.
Haldir: And I shall remember this as well. And write poetry of it.
Legolas: Farewell!
Haldir: Farewell! Dearest love. May we meet again before this age is over.
HOBBIT SEX:
Merry: Ah, Pippin. I'm horny.
Pippin: Are you now?
Merry: Aye, my balls are blue, it's been ages since I had a good shag.
Pippin: Wot. I sucked you off last night, you horn dog.
Merry: Well that's hardly what you'd call a shag, now is it? That was just lip service.
Pippin: Very well, I could use a roll in the hay myself. Fetch the lube, Merry.
Merry: Wot? You have the lube, you ass.
Pippin: I never!
Merry: (Worried) Don't tell me you lost it!
Pippin: (Laughing) Nah. Of course not. I just wanted to see your expression. I've got it here. (Fetches lube out of his pack.)
(Frodo and Sam walk in.)
Frodo: Ah, Merry, Pippin what are you two up to?
Pippin: We was going to have ourselves a good shag. Care to join?
Sam: Sure! That's sounds great!
Frodo: I'm a bit tired. I'll just watch.
Sam: Aw, Master Frodo, are you not feeling well?
Frodo: I'm fine, Sam. Don't worry about me. Go fuck with Merry and Pippin.
Sam: (doubtfully) Are you sure?
Frodo: Completely. It will make me happy to see you all screwing.
Sam: (feeling better) Well then.
They screw like bunnies.
Sam: I feel sad that Master Frodo isn't getting any. Even with the ring, he must have needs.
Frodo: You are so thoughtful.
Sam: Well, let me suck you off at least. You can just lie back and enjoy.
Frodo: Thank you, Sam. What ever would I do without you?
(Aragorn enters with a dead rabbit in one hand, stares at the naked hobbits and gapes.)
Aragorn: What on earth? What are you hobbits up to?
Merry: We're shagging Strider.
Pippin: Aye, care to join in?
Aragorn: (Surprised and blushing) Do you hobbits do this a lot?
Merry: Of course! It's almost as much fun as eating! Don't rangers?
Pippin: Don't tell me Ranger's don't fuck!
(Merry and Pippin look horrified at each other.)
Sam: Have you no one to love you, sir?
Aragorn: I am deeply in love with an Elf maiden of surpassing beauty.
Sam: Ah. That sounds lovely, sir.
Pippin: Yes, but do you SHAG her?
Aragorn: No, we have not reached the point of consummating our love. She allows me to kiss her, that is all. The rest will wait until our marriage night. Until that day, I can hold out.
Merry: Well, that doesn't sound like a lot of fun. How long have you been waiting?
Aragorn: Sixty years.
(All four hobbits look horrified).
Merry: What a shame.
Sam: Indeed.
Frodo: Sixty years without sex! However do you manage it?
Pippin: His hand I'm guessing.
Aragorn: I have never had sex. Sex without love is like morning without sunlight.
Frodo: You were raised by elves, weren't you, Strider?
Aragorn: Yes… how did you guess?
Merry: Well you only say that because you don't know what you are missing.
Pippin: Really! Hey, Merry, Frodo, Sam, you know what we should do!
Merry: Aye Pippin.
Sam: Yes!
Frodo: Yes! Let's!
All dogpile on Aragorn. Much happy smexing fills the rest of the afternoon.