CRACK ALERT!!!!!!! OMG!!!! It's Velvet Mace's BIG FMA MOVIE (un)SPOILER
Despite the fact that I haven't seen the movie, I have psychically channeled it enough to give everyone on my f-list a HUGE spoiler.
Here you go guys, cuz I know you can't wait the 3 years it will take before those of us who don't speak Japanese will get to see it:
Opening scene:
ED and ARMOR!AL are in a castle somewhere.
ED: This makes everyone think you are going to be Armor for the movie.
AL: Yeah, I know. So is this like a dream sequence?
ED: No, no it's a flashback. We do something important here.
AL: And what will that be.
ED: Establish just how much brotherly love we feel for each other, so the newbies who accidentally walked into the theatre will have an idea why we want so desperately to be reunited.
ED begins removing his clothes.
ED: I'm fifteen so this won't take very long.
AL: But… but… I’m not flesh yet brother. I won't feel anything.
ED: Yeah, but I'll enjoy it enough for both of us.
AL: Oooookay. I'll go along because I always do whatever you want, no matter how selfish, inconsiderate or ridiculous. I just have one question.
ED: What's that.
AL: Why are we in a castle?
Next Scene:
ROY and RIZA are somewhere… er… vague and military looking.
RIZA: (annoyed) Sir, that uniform…. Notice anything wrong with it?
ROY: (Looks down) No stains, properly fitting, Sure it has this weird skirt thing in the back, but so does yours.
RIZA: It's got corporal's bars. Sir you've been sleeping with your underlings again.
ROY: Er… Hoo boy. I guess you are right. She was hot. Yessirree she was.
RIZA: It's a man's uniform.
ROY: Uh… Ok. You caught me. I'm not called the FLAME alchemist for nothing.
RIZA: Yeah, I've figured that for a while now. How else is it that I could follow you for years, ply you with some great hurt/comfort in episode 51 and still somehow not end up paired with you for this movie.
Next Scene:
ED and Alphonse Heidrich are going somewhere in a car.
ED: I really miss my brother, but darn it, even though your eye and hair color are subtly wrong, you look close enough to be him. Let's screw.
A.H: Wait, you want to make out with me because I look like your brother? That’s…
ED: A testiment to brotherly love?
A.H.: About the most perverted thing I've ever heard. I should warn you that homosexuality, incest, and physical deformity are all highly looked down upon in my culture. If I were to get caught with you they'd probably kill me.
ED: (Disappointed) Does that mean no.
A.H.: Nah, I'll do it. But it's only because I have a fetish for long haired men. Dang you look hot.
ED: Great! Now that I'm 18, this will actually last more than thirty seconds.
A.H: Wait, wait. Let me find someplace to park the car first.
ED is too sexually frustrated to wait and jumps into Heidrich's lap. Heidrich can't see the road and drives into a ditch.
ED: Well… that was mood killer.
Next scene:
Al cosplaying Ed wanders through the desert.
Al: Dang I'm hot. Why did I decide to wear three layers of primarily dark colored clothes. Oh yes, it's an homage to my brother, who I don't remember, but still somehow lust after. I better find him soon. I hear he owes me 5 years worth of sexual favors.
AL wanders some more. Eventually he meets up with ROY.
ROY: Wow, AL, seeing you dressed up like that brings back fond memories. Fond, fond memories.
AL: What are you doing here, Sir?
ROY: Well, I was doing military stuff, but since I've come across you, I have better ideas. Would you like me to teach you the art of being a man?
AL: Despite the fact that I'm 17, I'm in the body of a 12 year old and I only have a 12 year old's memories. Sir, anyway you cut that, it'd be pedophilia.
ROY: Bummer. Ok, stand still.
AL: Huh?
ROY does some obscure alchemy shit.
AL: AHHHH! I now suddenly remember the 5 years that were missing! Yea I'm the age of consent! But hey, I still look like a 12 year old.
ROY: I can live with that.
Next Scene:
In some mysterious inner sanctum, where the THULE society meets:
THULE GUY!: Ed we've brought you here because you know about alchemy.
ED: What the hey? What happened to A.H.
THULE GUY: We have him around here somewhere.
ED: And how did you figure out I knew about alchemy?
THULE GUY: Uhhhhhh…. Never mind. Look over there there is something important we want to show you.
15 minutes of Serpent!Envy giving Hohopapa a blow job.
ED: Ew.
THULE GUY: Does that inspire you.
ED: No not really, but I can correct the spelling errors in this alchemy circle and make it work.
THULE GUY: That's what we wanted.
ED: Here goes…. OH Wow, I’m back in my own world again! Whoo hoo!
Next Scene.
AL and some Animated ARMOR and doing dirty things together.
AL: Now that I remember what Ed and I used to do together, I can put a piece of my soal into this armor and replicate the experience from his point of view. This makes me feel closer to him. Honestly, that's the reason I'm doing it.
ED suddenly shows up.
ED: Al! I thought you were going to wait for me.
AL: Er….
ED: Well never mind, I've been waiting for this moment for 7 years.
Pan to disappointed looking ARMOR.
AL: (off camera) Oh….OH.,… OH ED!
Next scene:
ROY and RISA stare in horror as GATEBABIES invade Central.
RISA: Somehow I feel the urge to blame the Elric brothers for this.
ROY: These black creatures aren't even remotely sexy, yet somehow I have a feeling I'll be paired with them in a fic at some point. Let me go looking for the Elric brothers to dig us out of this mess.
RIZA: Or you could just burn them all, sir, just like you did in the video game.
ROY: And miss my chance for some 3some action? Never.
Next scene.
ROY: (smoking a cigarette) You should do something about the GATEBABIES.
AL: Like what?
ED: I have it! We can offer ourselves as sacrifices for their lust.
AL: Ew…
ED: Ok, I'll do it by myself. You stay here and keep ROY, I mean Winry happy.
AL: No this movie is about brotherly love. We are in this together. And I always tag along on your adventures no matter how screwy or unnatural.
GATEBABIES: We were hoping for ROY, but we'll take the two of you.
Much NC-17 naughtiness happens.
Credits roll.
THE END
Here you go guys, cuz I know you can't wait the 3 years it will take before those of us who don't speak Japanese will get to see it:
Opening scene:
ED and ARMOR!AL are in a castle somewhere.
ED: This makes everyone think you are going to be Armor for the movie.
AL: Yeah, I know. So is this like a dream sequence?
ED: No, no it's a flashback. We do something important here.
AL: And what will that be.
ED: Establish just how much brotherly love we feel for each other, so the newbies who accidentally walked into the theatre will have an idea why we want so desperately to be reunited.
ED begins removing his clothes.
ED: I'm fifteen so this won't take very long.
AL: But… but… I’m not flesh yet brother. I won't feel anything.
ED: Yeah, but I'll enjoy it enough for both of us.
AL: Oooookay. I'll go along because I always do whatever you want, no matter how selfish, inconsiderate or ridiculous. I just have one question.
ED: What's that.
AL: Why are we in a castle?
Next Scene:
ROY and RIZA are somewhere… er… vague and military looking.
RIZA: (annoyed) Sir, that uniform…. Notice anything wrong with it?
ROY: (Looks down) No stains, properly fitting, Sure it has this weird skirt thing in the back, but so does yours.
RIZA: It's got corporal's bars. Sir you've been sleeping with your underlings again.
ROY: Er… Hoo boy. I guess you are right. She was hot. Yessirree she was.
RIZA: It's a man's uniform.
ROY: Uh… Ok. You caught me. I'm not called the FLAME alchemist for nothing.
RIZA: Yeah, I've figured that for a while now. How else is it that I could follow you for years, ply you with some great hurt/comfort in episode 51 and still somehow not end up paired with you for this movie.
Next Scene:
ED and Alphonse Heidrich are going somewhere in a car.
ED: I really miss my brother, but darn it, even though your eye and hair color are subtly wrong, you look close enough to be him. Let's screw.
A.H: Wait, you want to make out with me because I look like your brother? That’s…
ED: A testiment to brotherly love?
A.H.: About the most perverted thing I've ever heard. I should warn you that homosexuality, incest, and physical deformity are all highly looked down upon in my culture. If I were to get caught with you they'd probably kill me.
ED: (Disappointed) Does that mean no.
A.H.: Nah, I'll do it. But it's only because I have a fetish for long haired men. Dang you look hot.
ED: Great! Now that I'm 18, this will actually last more than thirty seconds.
A.H: Wait, wait. Let me find someplace to park the car first.
ED is too sexually frustrated to wait and jumps into Heidrich's lap. Heidrich can't see the road and drives into a ditch.
ED: Well… that was mood killer.
Next scene:
Al cosplaying Ed wanders through the desert.
Al: Dang I'm hot. Why did I decide to wear three layers of primarily dark colored clothes. Oh yes, it's an homage to my brother, who I don't remember, but still somehow lust after. I better find him soon. I hear he owes me 5 years worth of sexual favors.
AL wanders some more. Eventually he meets up with ROY.
ROY: Wow, AL, seeing you dressed up like that brings back fond memories. Fond, fond memories.
AL: What are you doing here, Sir?
ROY: Well, I was doing military stuff, but since I've come across you, I have better ideas. Would you like me to teach you the art of being a man?
AL: Despite the fact that I'm 17, I'm in the body of a 12 year old and I only have a 12 year old's memories. Sir, anyway you cut that, it'd be pedophilia.
ROY: Bummer. Ok, stand still.
AL: Huh?
ROY does some obscure alchemy shit.
AL: AHHHH! I now suddenly remember the 5 years that were missing! Yea I'm the age of consent! But hey, I still look like a 12 year old.
ROY: I can live with that.
Next Scene:
In some mysterious inner sanctum, where the THULE society meets:
THULE GUY!: Ed we've brought you here because you know about alchemy.
ED: What the hey? What happened to A.H.
THULE GUY: We have him around here somewhere.
ED: And how did you figure out I knew about alchemy?
THULE GUY: Uhhhhhh…. Never mind. Look over there there is something important we want to show you.
15 minutes of Serpent!Envy giving Hohopapa a blow job.
ED: Ew.
THULE GUY: Does that inspire you.
ED: No not really, but I can correct the spelling errors in this alchemy circle and make it work.
THULE GUY: That's what we wanted.
ED: Here goes…. OH Wow, I’m back in my own world again! Whoo hoo!
Next Scene.
AL and some Animated ARMOR and doing dirty things together.
AL: Now that I remember what Ed and I used to do together, I can put a piece of my soal into this armor and replicate the experience from his point of view. This makes me feel closer to him. Honestly, that's the reason I'm doing it.
ED suddenly shows up.
ED: Al! I thought you were going to wait for me.
AL: Er….
ED: Well never mind, I've been waiting for this moment for 7 years.
Pan to disappointed looking ARMOR.
AL: (off camera) Oh….OH.,… OH ED!
Next scene:
ROY and RISA stare in horror as GATEBABIES invade Central.
RISA: Somehow I feel the urge to blame the Elric brothers for this.
ROY: These black creatures aren't even remotely sexy, yet somehow I have a feeling I'll be paired with them in a fic at some point. Let me go looking for the Elric brothers to dig us out of this mess.
RIZA: Or you could just burn them all, sir, just like you did in the video game.
ROY: And miss my chance for some 3some action? Never.
Next scene.
ROY: (smoking a cigarette) You should do something about the GATEBABIES.
AL: Like what?
ED: I have it! We can offer ourselves as sacrifices for their lust.
AL: Ew…
ED: Ok, I'll do it by myself. You stay here and keep ROY, I mean Winry happy.
AL: No this movie is about brotherly love. We are in this together. And I always tag along on your adventures no matter how screwy or unnatural.
GATEBABIES: We were hoping for ROY, but we'll take the two of you.
Much NC-17 naughtiness happens.
Credits roll.
THE END