Something is seriously wrong with me...
TITLE: Canon Rape.
PAIRING: HP/FMA
RATING: R
WARNINGS: Rape. Squick. Violence. Wank. Homosexuality. Spoilers. HP is a bit OOC. NWS, NBS
FMA wandered aimlessly in the forest of LJ's. Bored, he rested himself comfortably against a post and began idly wanking. With one fan he gently teased and manipulated his cast, while with the other he stroked and inflamed his canon. Tension built pleasantly, and he grunted and groaned, until he couldn't take it anymore. With a yell that stirred a response from the LJ's around him, he spilled his copious wank across the muddy post.
"At it again, I see."
FMA, still a bit breathless and sweaty, looked around and noticed HP standing nearby, smirking at him.
"What the fuck do you want?" growled FMA, annoyed that another fandom had caught him self-pleasuring. He didn't like HP's attitude all. HP, after all, was not guiltless when it came to wanking. All fandoms did it, whether they wanted to admit to it or not.
"No need to be snippy," the larger fandom said, with just a hint of smugness. "I heard that you were looking for the Philosopher's Stone."
Despite himself, FMA perked up with interest. "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, it so happens that I've acquired one of those. I used it in one of my books, but now I no longer need it." HP crossed his arms, and looked nonchalantly, as though the Philosopher's Stone was a trivial thing and not the driving motivation for FMA's existence. Still, there had to be a catch somewhere.
FMA licked his lips and straightened up. "You don't want it? I'll take it." He reached out with his fans.
Not too surprisingly, HP didn't just hand over the object. "It's not here, but if you'll follow me back to the Pit of Voles, I'll fetch it for you."
FMA felt some trepidation. The Pit was not a safe place -- badfic happened there on a regular basis. He'd have to tread carefully. Still the offer of a Philosopher's Stone was too much to pass up. Besides, HP was no stranger. He was a well established and large fandom, and his goodfics were well documented and archieved. FMA followed the older fandom, with a mixture of optimism and curiosity.
The pit was a dark, poorly formatted place, full of randomness and hard to navigate block paragraphs. HP wound his way through it with quick, assured steps. At last they came to an author whose username FMA had never heard of before. Despite the worry growing in the pit of his gut, he entered the fic. He looked around and there, on a pedestal, was the philosopher's stone in all its poorly described glory.
FMA reached for it but HP caught his fanbase. "Not so fast. I hear you abide by the laws of Equivilant Exchange. Well, the stone isn't free."
Nervously, the younger fandom nodded. He expected this. "What do you want?" He didn't like the way HP was looking him over.
HP let go of FMA's wrists and began to wander, speculatively over his assets. "Surely you must have grown tired of merely wanking for excitement. Don't you long for something different? Something new? What would you think about merging canons on a fic."
FMA pulled away. "Impossible," he said. "Illogical. We are nothing alike. Hell, I'm SHOUNEN, not some girlie manga."
HP pursed his lips. "Oh really. I've seen your ships, don't even pretend to be het."
"I so am het!" FMA's eyes widened. "Royai! Win/Ed!"
"Roy/Ed, Ling/Ed, Roy/havoc, Elricest, … I could go on and on… face it, you are a definite 5 on the Kinsey scale." HP smirked again.
"Well, what about you? You can't want me! Your ships are definitely het -- H/Hr! R/Hr!"
"Harry/Draco," HP quietly maneuvered himself in front of the back arrow, blocking FMA's retreat.
"Only in badfic!" said FMA, and then his heart sunk, realizing that was exactly where he was. This was HP's dark side, and there was no way of knowing what the fandom was capable of doing.
"Besides," continued HP, "We have so much in common. We both have young major characters and we both use magic."
"Alchemy is NOT magic, it's science."
"Science, pshaw. It's simply weaker, slower and limited."
"Well, at least we don't have to use wands." FMA rolled up his sleeves. He might be small, but he was a feisty canon. There was no way the HP fandom could insult him like this and get away with it.
"Think you can outfight me with your silly alchemy? Be reasonable."
FMA launched himself at HP, clapping his hands. "Eat BOLD." HP neatly avoided the offensive formatting.
"Confundus!" shouted HP waving his wand, and FMA staggered. "FMA," purred HP. "You really want to do this crossover fic with me."
"I want to do a crossover fic with you," repeated FMA. He felt confused, unable to fight back. He tensed with horror at his own weakness.
HP wasted no time raiding FMA's assets. He fondled the smaller fandoms characters, bending the fandom to his will. Then without backstory or even humor to smooth the assault, he brutally plundered FMA's cast.
There was no help for it. FMA's cast stretched to accommodate HP's unfamiliar canon. Personalities were bruised, torn, forced out of shape. FMA's fans clutched impotently trying to ward off the assault, but it was impossible.
From that hideous union a crossover was born, birthed painfully at the expense of FMA's abused cast. The fic turned out to be as ugly and horrible as the act that created it. Its plot was twisted, its characterization grotesque and even its canon unrecognizable. HP, not too surprisingly, never acknowledged its bastard child, and refused all responsibility for it. FMA merely stared at the highschool!AU in horror.
Driven away from the LJ and teased mercilessly by GAFF, the fic eked its existence on the margins of the Internet. Eventually the fic discovered the sparsely populated and little visited crossovers section of the Pit, where it found a home next to an equally deformed Startrek/Stargate song!fic. Their authors met in mutual admiration and against all odds, the two fell in love…
PAIRING: HP/FMA
RATING: R
WARNINGS: Rape. Squick. Violence. Wank. Homosexuality. Spoilers. HP is a bit OOC. NWS, NBS
FMA wandered aimlessly in the forest of LJ's. Bored, he rested himself comfortably against a post and began idly wanking. With one fan he gently teased and manipulated his cast, while with the other he stroked and inflamed his canon. Tension built pleasantly, and he grunted and groaned, until he couldn't take it anymore. With a yell that stirred a response from the LJ's around him, he spilled his copious wank across the muddy post.
"At it again, I see."
FMA, still a bit breathless and sweaty, looked around and noticed HP standing nearby, smirking at him.
"What the fuck do you want?" growled FMA, annoyed that another fandom had caught him self-pleasuring. He didn't like HP's attitude all. HP, after all, was not guiltless when it came to wanking. All fandoms did it, whether they wanted to admit to it or not.
"No need to be snippy," the larger fandom said, with just a hint of smugness. "I heard that you were looking for the Philosopher's Stone."
Despite himself, FMA perked up with interest. "Yeah, what of it?"
"Well, it so happens that I've acquired one of those. I used it in one of my books, but now I no longer need it." HP crossed his arms, and looked nonchalantly, as though the Philosopher's Stone was a trivial thing and not the driving motivation for FMA's existence. Still, there had to be a catch somewhere.
FMA licked his lips and straightened up. "You don't want it? I'll take it." He reached out with his fans.
Not too surprisingly, HP didn't just hand over the object. "It's not here, but if you'll follow me back to the Pit of Voles, I'll fetch it for you."
FMA felt some trepidation. The Pit was not a safe place -- badfic happened there on a regular basis. He'd have to tread carefully. Still the offer of a Philosopher's Stone was too much to pass up. Besides, HP was no stranger. He was a well established and large fandom, and his goodfics were well documented and archieved. FMA followed the older fandom, with a mixture of optimism and curiosity.
The pit was a dark, poorly formatted place, full of randomness and hard to navigate block paragraphs. HP wound his way through it with quick, assured steps. At last they came to an author whose username FMA had never heard of before. Despite the worry growing in the pit of his gut, he entered the fic. He looked around and there, on a pedestal, was the philosopher's stone in all its poorly described glory.
FMA reached for it but HP caught his fanbase. "Not so fast. I hear you abide by the laws of Equivilant Exchange. Well, the stone isn't free."
Nervously, the younger fandom nodded. He expected this. "What do you want?" He didn't like the way HP was looking him over.
HP let go of FMA's wrists and began to wander, speculatively over his assets. "Surely you must have grown tired of merely wanking for excitement. Don't you long for something different? Something new? What would you think about merging canons on a fic."
FMA pulled away. "Impossible," he said. "Illogical. We are nothing alike. Hell, I'm SHOUNEN, not some girlie manga."
HP pursed his lips. "Oh really. I've seen your ships, don't even pretend to be het."
"I so am het!" FMA's eyes widened. "Royai! Win/Ed!"
"Roy/Ed, Ling/Ed, Roy/havoc, Elricest, … I could go on and on… face it, you are a definite 5 on the Kinsey scale." HP smirked again.
"Well, what about you? You can't want me! Your ships are definitely het -- H/Hr! R/Hr!"
"Harry/Draco," HP quietly maneuvered himself in front of the back arrow, blocking FMA's retreat.
"Only in badfic!" said FMA, and then his heart sunk, realizing that was exactly where he was. This was HP's dark side, and there was no way of knowing what the fandom was capable of doing.
"Besides," continued HP, "We have so much in common. We both have young major characters and we both use magic."
"Alchemy is NOT magic, it's science."
"Science, pshaw. It's simply weaker, slower and limited."
"Well, at least we don't have to use wands." FMA rolled up his sleeves. He might be small, but he was a feisty canon. There was no way the HP fandom could insult him like this and get away with it.
"Think you can outfight me with your silly alchemy? Be reasonable."
FMA launched himself at HP, clapping his hands. "Eat BOLD." HP neatly avoided the offensive formatting.
"Confundus!" shouted HP waving his wand, and FMA staggered. "FMA," purred HP. "You really want to do this crossover fic with me."
"I want to do a crossover fic with you," repeated FMA. He felt confused, unable to fight back. He tensed with horror at his own weakness.
HP wasted no time raiding FMA's assets. He fondled the smaller fandoms characters, bending the fandom to his will. Then without backstory or even humor to smooth the assault, he brutally plundered FMA's cast.
There was no help for it. FMA's cast stretched to accommodate HP's unfamiliar canon. Personalities were bruised, torn, forced out of shape. FMA's fans clutched impotently trying to ward off the assault, but it was impossible.
From that hideous union a crossover was born, birthed painfully at the expense of FMA's abused cast. The fic turned out to be as ugly and horrible as the act that created it. Its plot was twisted, its characterization grotesque and even its canon unrecognizable. HP, not too surprisingly, never acknowledged its bastard child, and refused all responsibility for it. FMA merely stared at the highschool!AU in horror.
Driven away from the LJ and teased mercilessly by GAFF, the fic eked its existence on the margins of the Internet. Eventually the fic discovered the sparsely populated and little visited crossovers section of the Pit, where it found a home next to an equally deformed Startrek/Stargate song!fic. Their authors met in mutual admiration and against all odds, the two fell in love…