(no subject)
Another day of paranoia and nausea. Love really does bit doesn't it? It brings so many other thoughts/emotions into existance. Oh how I missed some of them, but the ones lately I could definitly live without. Gee I bet you'll never guess what/who this is about :P Well my mind revolves around him a good deal of the time, especially at this time when there is nothing else to really occupy my mind and when bonds become stronger and I become more aware of his existance. I can't help but wonder what he does down there, sooooo far away. If he cheated on me once, wouldn't it be even easier to do it again? I mean, something has to be said about the fact that we are together again, it's gotta mean something good. But then again I wonder if it is because he truely loves me or if I am some sort of fall-back plan. Now he will be travelling all over the place and I can just imagine what he will get himself into. He is so impulsive that I can't believe that for however long he is gone that he can/will stay true. I don't want to end things again just for that reason though. I really wish that I could be there with him now. Another thing that worries me is something he said once "drinking doesn't make me violent, it makes me friendly" he was talking to me and the convo. included me there, but now I can't help but wonder just how friendly he gets and does it work with everyone. All these thoughts are just rampant in my head right now. I tried calling him yesterday but there was no answer, again i wonder, did he not answer because it was me? I desperatly want to talk to him to make sure that he is okay and that things are still okay between us. I have this insatiable urge to call him again, but I don't want to be "the annoying girlfriend" that so many guys complain about. Do I just wait for him to call or do I keep bothering him until we get this worked out? Part of me wants to play the stupid game where I wait and see just how long it actually takes for him to call me, you know, where you try to find out just how much he cares. But what if he doesn't call. Then I have to go hunt him down just so I can beat his ass. I swear if he does anything that I am paranoid about, I will kill him. I have told him this but I'm not sure he believes it. Yup, I will be that selfish, if I can't have him, nobody will. I will NOT be hurt again. Of course if I do that, I would go too because I promised him that he would not die alone, and although many promises have been broken, I still intend (always have and will) to keep mine.
All these thoughts in my head are literally making me ill. Still can't sleep much, maybe 2-3 hours a night. Food has not been my friend. On top of all that, I am convinced that my head is going to explode. Meditation has not been working all that well as it is VERY difficult to shut my brain off right now. Maybe try some other things..........we will see.
So help me out here: do I call him and risk being annoying? or do I just wait and see what he does on his own will?
All these thoughts in my head are literally making me ill. Still can't sleep much, maybe 2-3 hours a night. Food has not been my friend. On top of all that, I am convinced that my head is going to explode. Meditation has not been working all that well as it is VERY difficult to shut my brain off right now. Maybe try some other things..........we will see.
So help me out here: do I call him and risk being annoying? or do I just wait and see what he does on his own will?