(no subject)
I have, some time ago, purchased books with titles such as ‘Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others’ and ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’, and ‘Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know’. Now, I find these books generally silly and am often surprised about some of the (in my opinion) far-fetched ideas the authors are trying to impart to the readers - these books are all American (by American psychologists or psychiatrists or doctors of that type) and it gives me a bit of an insight into the differences between how American culture deals with issues that us Brits seem to deal with quite differently. It shows me something of the different way American and British authors preach to their audiences, and the ways in which the American or British public are advised to deal with certain emotions and situaions. I find that interesting, the often conflicting notions of what is or isn’t deemed acceptable ways of treating one another and what is or isn’t acceptable behaviour to endure at the hands of another. It’s interesting to me the way these books are written, the words they choose, what they think they can get away with telling people - and it makes me imagine the type of person who accepts everything a book tells them and does everything the book tells them to, what kind of life do they live, do they let people dominate them outside of the book, are they weak in every area of their life, do they have self-help books that they follow religiously for every area of life, not just relationships? What kind of constant struggle are those people in, in day to day life? Do all the books contradict each other, if they follow all the advice is there a point where they just don’t know what to do because one book says this but another book says that, and they can’t make the decision by themselves as their strength of character has disappeared by now and they are just incapable as human beings? How close does that bring one to suicide, when one’s dependance on something, anything, is that severe…?
So, my boyfriend has seen some of these books lying around in my room now and then, over time, and makes assumptions. He sees all the titles I listed above and for him the outstanding word is ‘marry’. There are some more books that have just sprung to my mind that I have in my possession - ‘The Rules’, and ‘The List’. ‘The Rules’ I purchased in the context of ‘it’s a classic that is often referred to in popular culture so my curiosity compelled me to find out what it’s all about, especially when I was browsing in a charity shop book section and it presented itself to me on the shelf, I didn’t actually go looking for it’. ‘The List’ just looked like a fun read - again, in a cheap bookstore it jumped out at me, and it sells itself as a more modern, funky version of ‘The Rules’ that apparently relates to modern women much better. It did turn out to be a funny read, but with serious points too - which I found just as alien to my own culture (i.e it’s another American one) as the other books, and just as much of a social insight in an eye-opening way. But the downside, in this case, of ‘The List’ is that it’s subtitled ‘7 Ways to tell if he’s going to marry you - in thirty days or less!’. So of course the outstanding word my boyfriends sees is ‘marry’ (and who can blame him?).
I have to admit, in these books, I’ve found the odd little useful point here and there that actually seems to relate to relationships in general, like a bit of an explaination of why a man would do such-and-such and what it might mean. It’s just useful for me to able to relate to one little point, to say ‘Oh yes my boyfriend does that sometimes, and I suppose I am being a bit of a doormat for putting up with it and not discussing things with him’. But that’s me coming to my own conclusion, not doing exactly what the book tells me to (I don’t deal with things in the way a book advises, I deal with it in a way that’s relevant to the situation and the individual; the books generalise too much). Also I have to admit it’s nice to be able to disagee with these books a lot - saying to myself “Well I know he’s not a nasty person and he’s not saying that to deliberately hurt me, so HA!” But also there’s been the odd point or two from the odd book or two that I’ve tried out on my man and have found it’s worked, and it’s been the correct way to deal with the situation, and I’ve got the results I’ve wanted, i.e no big arguments, feelings made known, and air been cleared.
I know there’s women out there who would never admit to having read self-help books, even if they’ve only got one out of the library once, they still would hide it, read it in secret, and never admit to anyone what they’ve done. It’s just not ‘cool’, and people want to appear ‘cool’ especially when there’s someone of the opposite sex that they want to impress so have to claim to have never read any of ‘that crap’ as they need that attention so much and would never do anything to risk putting off the person they’re getting the attention from. But I would rather be me and be open and honest about myself, even if I feel I have to explain my choices and reasons like this, after having been judged incorrectly (which is of course my fault for never having explained my reasons before and therefore accidentally giving a false impression about myself, but hey).
As for the subject of ‘marry’? Well, I have to be totally honest here - I really don’t know if I’d ever want to get married one day. My mind changes from week to week, sometimes I wonder if I’d actually want to and what would it be like, but most of the time I think no, it’s not for me, I don’t see any reason for it, I’d rather just stay with someone and be secure enough like that without feeling a need to have a big party with all my friends and family just to prove that I’ve got someone and just being with them isn’t enough… And anyway if I ever wanted to start considering marriage I’d have to have been with the guy for at least 3 or 4 years, and feel secure and settled in my relationship and that it was a solid relationship. This current relationship has sometimes been hanging on by a thread for the past 2 years and 3 months, it’s not a ‘marriage’ kind of relationship as it is now. We’ve already broken up once, and almost broken up a few times since then, it’s not the type of situation that’s leading to a legally-binding contract that would be lengthy and difficult to get out of. So why do I stay? Well, who knows how things may change and develop in the future… Also, I always like to have hope about life situations, even if it’s just a little bit of hope.
So, why do I possess books relating to marriage then? Well, it’s quite simple, to me - I substitute the references to ‘marriage’ for ‘lasting relationship’; I mean that’s what these authors mean by ‘marriage’ isn’t it? They’re seeing marriage as the ‘end goal’, the sign of a successful relationship, the evidence of a lasting commitment, a settled secure situation that ‘works’. So why not just see what ideas and advice might relate to you from such books without thinking of it as ‘marriage’, why not see what they think are the ingredients for a successful lasting partnership and just ignore the references to ‘a proposal’? When you think about it, it’s really just psychology about love-relationships, and they’re just adding the notion of ‘marriage’ into it because society in general places great emphasis on marriage and the family unit… But anyway, the bottom line is that I see these books as relating to lasting relationships, and I’m not interested in the marriage aspect, just the ‘how people interact with each other and what different psychologists’ views are on the subject’ aspects.
Do you believe me? Or do you think I’m just making excuses? Please be honest, you know I can take it!