FIC REPOST: Open-Heart
Title: Open-Heart
Author: Vensre
Starring: Dom/Billy
Rating: PG
Summary: Telling you my tragic story.
Disclaimer: The way that I can imagine is not the true Way.
Notes: Beta by puddle_took. This one hurts, so be careful. Originally posted here.
「いつも仲良しで良いよね」って言われて、でもどこかブルーになってた。あれは恋だった。
{"Isn't it nice to be good friends?" you said, but something inside me ached. That was love.}
[ スピッツ - 仲良し | {Spitz - Nakayoshi} | lyrics ]
~:
Listen: Dom lives with it.
It's getting almost easy. He is a bit afraid that if That Day ever comes, he'll have pushed it down too much to respond. If anything is capable of getting past the scar of anger over that particular injury anymore. It has healed wrong, and it'll hurt so much more reopening it. Who would want to deal with that kind of undeserved malice? Not that...
Not that That Day will ever come. You know. Billy has a girlfriend now.
Ahh... now you start to see. Don't look so surprised. Yeah, just. Just hear me out.
So he handles it, yeah? Because there isn't a choice. He can't just decide not to be in love, because if he could, it wouldn't be love. And he's tried, tried and tried with everything he can think of. Maybe you've noticed some of the strategies, but those don't matter; none of them worked. Even hating a person doesn't push out love, it just makes the whole process that much more painful, the obsessions more edged. No, not long, I don't think that angle lasted more than a day or two.
It's like living with an illness, almost. Heartsickness. Because the affection he has just keeps pouring out of him whether he wants it to or not, in abnormal levels. It's not quite right, it's not right, it must make others uncomfortable, too. He wants it to stop, so things can be normal again.
Except, he's never less than loved Billy. The first time he laid eyes on him-- Don't interrupt. No, none of us believe in love at first sight. Not even those of us it's happened to.
I'm not being overdramatic-- Will you stuff it already? I'm trying to pour out my soul, here!
God, don't make me laugh right now. I'm all sick to my stomach already. Sh-- YOU KNOW WHY! Cunt.
Aww, thanks.
Anyway, Dom is trying to stop. This is, like, the last-ditch effort. Resolve it somehow. It didn't hurt at first, you know? It felt... it felt wonderful. It did feel fully as scary as it was risky, stupid as it was ill-advised. Thrilling, and soso good, just blasting past all the borders of good sense-- Shut up! No, but you were going to, and the last thing I need right now is you reminding me that, that Dom never had any common sense to start with. Where was I? Oh, but it was starting to hurt really sharply, you know? Too much time away, too much pressure, for too long. It wasn't fading like it should, like those photosensitive rooms where a bright light flashes and leaves your silhouette on the wall. Those should get pale and faint, shouldn't they, when you turn on the lights? But it isn't. Didn't. And it's bleeding all the energy out of Dom, it's getting kind of horribly painful to feel forgotten, despite having no reason to. Everything about it has begun to hurt.
And he doesn't blame Billy for that. He knows whose fault it really is. He doesn't want to hurt Billy, or even make him uneasy. Not that there's probably any way around that. Isn't it best, though, to plunge on through? Maybe afterwards there will be some livable future. Don't worry too much about this, because Dom wouldn't hurt himself on purpose, but. It's not feeling too livable right now.
Hence, this. Rebreak and reset.
Remember that time, when Billy and Dom were swimming together, and Dom put his arms around Billy's shoulders and told him he was going to just latch on forever, and was that all right? And Billy said that it was an excellent plan, and that they'd make a very fine two-headed man, but that he was clearly the better head, and-- Yeah!
You are not! N-- I'm the better head! You're deficient. Oh, I don't think so, Boyd!
Anyway, thank you. For, you know, not treating me differently. Not letting it be awkward. I was so worried, that... And I know you love me, as a friend. I love you like that, too, like family, I just couldn't keep it simple enough, and for that I'm sorry.
No, not quite. Story part's over, but. I have a... request.
Don't you turn away from me now, you utter blind bastard. Sorry. But don't you look away. I'm not asking it of you, to reciprocate anything. No, not even for a kiss. I don't want your pity, and I don't want to lose your friendship. Can't you see? This is to preserve us. This is to fix us, and maybe... Maybe you never even. Never even noticed. Anything. That anything was amiss. ...Ow, Bills.
But none of that matters now. Now you know, and I only want to know one thing. Please.
Look at my eyes. Tell me-- And this is so important, you have to mean it.
Tell me you will never love me.
...Thank you.
:~
Author: Vensre
Starring: Dom/Billy
Rating: PG
Summary: Telling you my tragic story.
Disclaimer: The way that I can imagine is not the true Way.
Notes: Beta by puddle_took. This one hurts, so be careful. Originally posted here.
「いつも仲良しで良いよね」って言われて、でもどこかブルーになってた。あれは恋だった。
{"Isn't it nice to be good friends?" you said, but something inside me ached. That was love.}
[ スピッツ - 仲良し | {Spitz - Nakayoshi} | lyrics ]
~:
Listen: Dom lives with it.
It's getting almost easy. He is a bit afraid that if That Day ever comes, he'll have pushed it down too much to respond. If anything is capable of getting past the scar of anger over that particular injury anymore. It has healed wrong, and it'll hurt so much more reopening it. Who would want to deal with that kind of undeserved malice? Not that...
Not that That Day will ever come. You know. Billy has a girlfriend now.
Ahh... now you start to see. Don't look so surprised. Yeah, just. Just hear me out.
So he handles it, yeah? Because there isn't a choice. He can't just decide not to be in love, because if he could, it wouldn't be love. And he's tried, tried and tried with everything he can think of. Maybe you've noticed some of the strategies, but those don't matter; none of them worked. Even hating a person doesn't push out love, it just makes the whole process that much more painful, the obsessions more edged. No, not long, I don't think that angle lasted more than a day or two.
It's like living with an illness, almost. Heartsickness. Because the affection he has just keeps pouring out of him whether he wants it to or not, in abnormal levels. It's not quite right, it's not right, it must make others uncomfortable, too. He wants it to stop, so things can be normal again.
Except, he's never less than loved Billy. The first time he laid eyes on him-- Don't interrupt. No, none of us believe in love at first sight. Not even those of us it's happened to.
I'm not being overdramatic-- Will you stuff it already? I'm trying to pour out my soul, here!
God, don't make me laugh right now. I'm all sick to my stomach already. Sh-- YOU KNOW WHY! Cunt.
Aww, thanks.
Anyway, Dom is trying to stop. This is, like, the last-ditch effort. Resolve it somehow. It didn't hurt at first, you know? It felt... it felt wonderful. It did feel fully as scary as it was risky, stupid as it was ill-advised. Thrilling, and soso good, just blasting past all the borders of good sense-- Shut up! No, but you were going to, and the last thing I need right now is you reminding me that, that Dom never had any common sense to start with. Where was I? Oh, but it was starting to hurt really sharply, you know? Too much time away, too much pressure, for too long. It wasn't fading like it should, like those photosensitive rooms where a bright light flashes and leaves your silhouette on the wall. Those should get pale and faint, shouldn't they, when you turn on the lights? But it isn't. Didn't. And it's bleeding all the energy out of Dom, it's getting kind of horribly painful to feel forgotten, despite having no reason to. Everything about it has begun to hurt.
And he doesn't blame Billy for that. He knows whose fault it really is. He doesn't want to hurt Billy, or even make him uneasy. Not that there's probably any way around that. Isn't it best, though, to plunge on through? Maybe afterwards there will be some livable future. Don't worry too much about this, because Dom wouldn't hurt himself on purpose, but. It's not feeling too livable right now.
Hence, this. Rebreak and reset.
Remember that time, when Billy and Dom were swimming together, and Dom put his arms around Billy's shoulders and told him he was going to just latch on forever, and was that all right? And Billy said that it was an excellent plan, and that they'd make a very fine two-headed man, but that he was clearly the better head, and-- Yeah!
You are not! N-- I'm the better head! You're deficient. Oh, I don't think so, Boyd!
Anyway, thank you. For, you know, not treating me differently. Not letting it be awkward. I was so worried, that... And I know you love me, as a friend. I love you like that, too, like family, I just couldn't keep it simple enough, and for that I'm sorry.
No, not quite. Story part's over, but. I have a... request.
Don't you turn away from me now, you utter blind bastard. Sorry. But don't you look away. I'm not asking it of you, to reciprocate anything. No, not even for a kiss. I don't want your pity, and I don't want to lose your friendship. Can't you see? This is to preserve us. This is to fix us, and maybe... Maybe you never even. Never even noticed. Anything. That anything was amiss. ...Ow, Bills.
But none of that matters now. Now you know, and I only want to know one thing. Please.
Look at my eyes. Tell me-- And this is so important, you have to mean it.
Tell me you will never love me.
...Thank you.
:~