2021 Ending Up Imploding On Me…Why Even Try Anymore?
When we last left off, things were finally starting to look up for me; then the running gag that is my life decided to take over per the agreement that I apparently signed at some point in my life.
Things were going heading into August; there were several self-advocacy things that were lined up and I was going to spend some extended time with Jake. The trips to Fargo, Valley City, and Bowman were successful and the trips to Dickinson and Watford City weren’t successful and that is to be expected in this field. Then came August 13th. Normally this day would be one where everything and anything goes horribly wrong as it was the day my dad died suddenly in 2005; this year however things went really well. The presentation in Grafton went well and Jake did a great job. Jake and I went out on a date afterwards to the Frosty Fox(even my boss called it a date!)with his staff as he’s required to have staff at all times(I know the reason why he has that restriction and I’m not going to state what it is as I’m respecting his right to privacy; all I will say is that he is not the monster that he’s been painted as). Things went fairly well although I did my usual fuck ups when it comes to interacting with anyone and anything. Afterwards, I went to a dance with him at the institution he lives in. I was really shy at first because I didn’t know any people; however, Jake coaxed me to the dance floor and we had a great time. Jake was happy as long as I was right next to him and at one point in the evening, I started caressing his lower back and he kept encouraging me to do so; if there weren’t so many people around, I would’ve given him a hand job. We had several minutes alone and he looked like he wanted to say or do something, however, all I got out of him was ‘thank you for going out with me’. I turned to look for his roommates and staff and stated ‘if there’s anything you want to say or do, now’s the time to do so’. He grabbed my hand and started looking for a more private room and I was so hoping that he was going to have sex with me. He showed me his music room and it is a very nice room(he’s very talented musically, I know that he plays at least 4 instruments). We leaned in for a kiss, BUT NO!!! His stupid roommate had to come out and we had to pull back at the last second! I was absolutely furious and Jake looked like he wanted to brutally murder him and anyone who got in his way!
The next day, there was a second presentation and Jake was furious that I wasn’t in a dress or skirt. He whispered in my ear that I was to wear a dress or skirt whenever I did anything with him from now on and I complied with his request as that’s what he wanted. I was wearing a blouse that showed quite a bit of cleavage and Jake’s eyes locked in on my chest (some of it I admit was intentional given all the signals he’d shown me). After he regained his composure, I whispered to him ‘it’s my job on a personal and professional level to cater to you exclusively’.
He gave me a weird creepy smile that made me wonder if he was going to start cackling with psychotic glee like the Joker or if someone was going to tell me that he has scores of victims in a crawl space in Canada somewhere. While logic should’ve kicked in and stated ‘GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM!’, however, I really wanted to see him go off the rails or throw me on the table and fuck my brains out something fierce for hours on end.
Things continued to bubble up until early September with him whispering to me at the end of a virtual presentation ‘I wish you were with me permanently’ followed by him blurting out ‘would you like to go steady with me?’ on a phone call two days later. I edited his presentation notes to reflect what he was telling me only to get a call from my boss shortly thereafter that his staff was trying to break us up. Jake lost a lot of privileges as a result of what happened. We managed to get things back together and we kept things going until December 6th when his staff put the final kibash on things and filed a formal complaint against me the next day stating that I was trying to seduce someone in a position of authority. Jake has lost many more privileges as a result: he can’t be with his family for as long as he wanted to for Christmas and he can’t be with them for Easter, Memorial Day, 4th of July, and the annual camping trip at the end of July. He also had his 3 year transition plan taken away from him and he has to stay in the institution for at least 10 more years.
I ruined his life and I’m absolutely devastated about this happening to him!!! He is an absolutely wonderful person who shouldn’t be enduring any of this kind of draconian punishment!!!
Why do I even try anymore? All I do is ruin lives and my track record clearly states that all of the psychiatrists, psychologists, and other professionals were right!!!! It really is best for me to live alone and die alone as I’m not capable of being around humans.