[One Shot] Set fire to the rain.
Author: Veridanya (軽)
Beta reader: 暗
Length: One-shot
Genre: Drama, Angst (?)
Rating: G
Pairing: SakuMoto
Disclaimer: Only the story is mine
Summary: What happens when you love someone but it cant be. Will you let it go?
The sound of a familiar voice pulled him out of his slumber, his first instinct was covering his ears with the pillow, trying to ignore the voice coming out of the answer machine.
"Jun pick up, you can't hide from the world forever, you can hide from him..." the voice complained
"Come on, Jun-chan, let me talk to you. I'm gonna keep insisting 'til you answer the phone and..."
Jun picked up the phone quickly, causing a mess on the night-table. Certainly he wasn't in the mood to have to deal with his friend waking him up and threating with keep calling when all he wanted to do was sleep and forget about everything
"What Aiba? What?" was the first thing he said with an exasperated tone
"How are you?" the other man replied with a soft voice
"How you think I am?" Jun replied ironic
"He's been asking for you and..."
"Aiba, no...I...don't need that now, not now not ever. So stop it ok?" Jun interrupted his friend
"Jun is being already a week, you can’t hide forever"
"I can try it. Look...I get it, he doesn’t love me, and that's ok but I just can’t stop feeling you know? And I'm tired of him trying to act like everything is cool when is not..."
"I know, but he doesn't want to lose you" this time Aiba interrupted him
"I don't wanna lose him either but I don't want him to be worrying for telling me things, that he looks at me like he's feeling sorry or that he pretends that everything is ok..."
"I know" replied Aiba with a serious tone, that one that Jun had never expected to hear from him. "I'm sorry" he continued.
Why on earth he was apologizing? Jun thought before replying.
"I'm just...tired" Jun sighted and let himself fall in the pillow trying to hold the tears
"Jun..."
"No Aiba, the chasing is over. He doesn’t want me? Fine, but I don't want his sorry either or anyone's sorry for that matter. I had enough of that... I'll call you later."
He didn't wait for a reply and hung up the phone, before throw it in to a side with anger.
He stayed there lying in bed looking absent minded to the ceiling, tears started to roll down his cheeks while his hands grabbed the sheets, tighten his grip till his knuckles started to turn white .
His mind wondered without he could do anything to stop it.
*6 months ago*
It was a warm summer night; he just had come back from New York after getting his photography degree at NYU. He had missed Tokyo so much, and as soon as he installed back in his apartment he took his camera and decided to go for a stroll.
He walked down the street, feeling nostalgic for finally being back home. He missed it so bad, his friends, his parents, his sister, everything. Somehow everything around him seemed so new but so familiar at the same time, he wanted to capture every single thing so he immediately started taking pictures of everything around him.
Without notice it, he found himself walking to the old coffee shop where he and his friends used to hang out after classes. He smiled, the place looked exactly as he remembered, it was a small place, with a few tables outside, lights hanging around and soft music playing in the background.
He wanted to see if inside was still as cozy as it was back in the days, so he quickly got in. It looked like time barely had passed, there were some changes of course but pretty much it remained the same. He walked towards a table in the corner and waited for the waiter while he turned on his camera and started to check the pictures he had taken on his way there, smiling pleased.
When he looked up to the bar, he could see a familiar face sitting in one of the chairs, focused on a lap top. Jun could feel his heart beating faster, when he realized who the person was. Without thinking it twice he stood up, leaving his stuff on the table and walking towards the bar.
"Sakurai-san?" he asked hesitantly
The man turned to look at him and smiled, removing his glasses and putting them on top of the bar before standing up and give him a hug
"MatsuJun, long time not see" he said while tightening the hug and kept smiling
Jun thought his heart was going to come out of his chest when he feel the warm embrace and quickly felt how his cheeks started to warm too
"When you came back? Why you didn't tell us?" the man asked him, giving a small pout
"I-I came back today, and was gonna call you guys later" Jun replied trying to dissimulate his blush "I didn't expect to see you here..." He really meant that last part.
*
4 years have passed since the last time they had seen each other and after all that time one would think Jun should have forgotten his feelings towards the other man, but that moment just proved that time didn't matter.
Jun was lost in his emotions, in the time he was away he had messed with girls and boys around, but even after all this time, he still was in love with Sho and probably he'll always be. Just when he was admiring how Sho had changed and how his face looked more mature a scream got him back to reality.
"MatsuJun!?" A pair of arms grabbed him tightly. "When did you come back? Why didn't you call us? You forgot about us!?"
Jun just laughed with the man's over excited reaction.
"Easy Aiba, I just came back today"
"Oh! And you came to see us first thing?"
"Well, actually I didn't know I'd find you two here"
"You didn't know? Now Nino and I own this place" The man replied with a big smile and a pride look in his eyes
They started talking, Aiba was making sure to update Jun about all the things he had missed until a messy haired Nino came out of the kitchen, Aiba just looked at him and rolled his eyes when a he saw Ohno walking behind him looking almost the same.
"Could you at least not do that during work nor here!?"
"Oh come on Aiba..."
Just then the skinny guy noticed the presence of Jun that was staring at them with his jaw hanging.
"Jun-pon!"
Just that name was enough to piss him off and make him come back to his senses.
"Brat!"
"Look Oh-chan! Jun-pon is back"
After the needed hugs and greetings Jun asked what it was obvious.
"So wait, now you two are together?"
Both Nino and Ohno just laughed at that while Nino grabbed Ohno's hand.
"Well, it's not that surprising now that I come to think about it"
They talked for hours, and Jun realized how he had missed his friends, especially one, he thought gazing at Sho. After all this time, none of them have changed even a bit, and he felt glad of be back.
*
Now six months after that, he wondered if he wouldn't have got into the coffee shop that night, if his life would be different.
He loosen the thigh of his grip letting go the sheet and moved his hand to his face trying to brush the tears away from his cheeks, then he dragged himself out of the bed and wandered towards the kitchen looking something to drink before laying in the sofa.
He drank slowly, trying to put himself together until his gaze landed on a photography that was in one of his shelves. He got up and took a look at it closely, it was a pic of the 5, Nino behind Ohno hugging him, Aiba sat on the floor, he next to Sho who had his arm over his shoulder.
His expression in that picture made him feel a pinch of pain in his heart. He turned down the frame; he didn't want to keep seeing it. It was from one of their trips, it had been fun and he enjoyed fully, but now the whole memory of it hurt so much.
*
"We're going on vacation!" Aiba announced them one morning when they were having breakfast at the coffee shop.
"We're what?" Nino asked him, while feeding Ohno a piece of melon bread
Aiba sat down on the empty chair next to Jun without stop smiling.
"We're going to the beach! You know, to celebrate that Jun-chan is back" Jun couldn't avoid to smile; it was long time since someone called him like that.
"Guys, you don't have to do that" he quickly said before taking a sip of his coffee
"But I think is a good idea!" Ohno almost screamed before Nino stuffed his mouth with more bread
"Why so excited Oh-chan?" Nino asked surprised by his boyfriend reaction "Did you miss Jun that much?" he teased but he already could imagine why Ohno was so excited
"I think Aiba-chan said the magic word" Sho giggled and Jun felt like melting with the sound of his laugh
"Feeling well, Jun-pon?" Nino teased him noticing the small blush on Jun's face
Everyone turn to look Jun who felt visible nervous to have all eyes on him
"Ye-yeah, what magic word?" he asked trying to change the subject, and giving a killer look to Nino who just smiled and gave him a wink
"Beach!" Sho answered while Ohno smiled too, feeling caught. After all wasn't a secret that he loved fishing.
A couple days later, they arrived to a nearby beach. Everyone was excited, it had been so long since the last time they had spent some spare time together and it was a good opportunity to catch up and remember old times.
They got installed in a small shack that Aiba rented, Ohno and Nino immediately took a room for them and sneaked out for some private time, Jun had noticed that those two (mostly Nino) always were up for some action.
With that there was just one room free and three of them, the younger man almost choked when Aiba announced he was going to slept in the couch and he and Sho could keep the room. He felt relieved when saw there were two single beds inside.
They spent the rest of the day playing at the beach except Jun who was busy preparing a bonfire and cooking stuff for them. Sho felt guilty and decided to help him
"Sorry, this is for celebrate your come back and we left you all the work" Sho said apologizing
Jun chuckled "It's ok, I like doing this"
Half hour later, the other 3 guys joined them and sat down around the fire, to have a beer and talk. Jun told them about NY and how his life was there, Ohno and Nino told him how they got together and Aiba told them excited the story of how they became owners of the coffee shop and Sho told him about how Keio University had been and about his job.
"So, Jun-pon...didn't you leave some broken hearts in the big apple? Nino asked teasingly
"No, I meant sure I dated..."he replied gazing quickly at Sho "but nothing serious"
"Oh! Then we can look for a girlfriend or a boyfriend for you?" Aiba interrupted excited.
Jun blushed and before he could say anything, Nino spoke
"I think our Jun-pon already has someone, don’t you?"
Sho turned to look at him
"You do MatsuJun? So then it means you left being in love with someone from here?" Sho asked without being able to hide his curiosity
"Yeah" was all he said, without taking his eyes of him and slightly blushing
Sho smiled satisfied with the answer while taking a sip of his beer, Nino shifted his gaze between both and shake his head while a smirk appeared on his lips
They kept drinking and sharing stories without notice the passing time, soon Aiba was asleep on the sand, Nino using his lap as pillow while holding Ohno's hand, who passed out next to him.
Sho started to feel tipsy too but still was awake fascinated with Jun's stories about NY. Jun stopped drinking as soon as he start feeling light headed so he was a bit more conscious.
"MatsuJun..."
"Yeah?"
"I think I like you" said Sho looking straight to the bonfire
Jun felt his heart stopped and he wasn't sure he had listen correctly
"Yo-you...what? " he answered trying to sound normal but failing miserably at it
"I-li-ke-you" said Sho giggling "there I said it, I don't like boys but you're..." he turned around looking Jun's gaze "special"
Jun blushed furiously and lowed down his gaze before answering
"I-I like you too" it came out like a murmur, before he knew it Sho was already next to him, he cupped his face on his hands and got close to him brushing their lips together.
The younger man let himself go in that kiss, he had dreamed with it since long ago, it felt so surreal and so good at the same time. He didn't want to stop it, after all he wasn't sure if this was going to happen again.
After a few seconds, they broke the kiss, letting Jun eager for more. It didn't took long before Sho fell asleep next to him, he smiled and couldn't stop himself from thinking if Sho really meant it or was just the buzz of the alcohol.
The next day he tried to act like nothing happened and avoided the mention of the kiss or Sho's confession and the other man didn't seem to remember a thing of what happened or so thought Jun.
They were again preparing a bbq for lunch time, when Nino insisted that Jun took them a pic. once the picture was taken everyone go back to do their thing, Nino glued to his game, while Ohno was sleeping on his lap enjoying the sun, Aiba helping Jun to cook and Sho was inside preparing some drinks.
In some point Aiba was replaced with Sho and Jun couldn't avoid feeling a bit tense while blushed remembering the night before.
"How's going the hung over?" he asked
Sho laughed and got close to him
"Jun" it was the first time he called him like that "I did mean what I say last night but..."
The younger man didn't want to hear the rest, he was pretty shocked he remembered about it
"It's ok, you don't have to say anything else" he turned around to look at him "I meant then you know I like you and I like you a lot, but don't intent anything"
Jun lied. not only to Sho but also to himself, but he carried on smiling, trying to hold himself together
"I think you're gorgeous and sexy and I didn't though someday you could even look at me as nothing more than the awkward boy who runs around you everywhere"
Sho smiled and in an impulse held him tight
*
Jun smiled bitterly, he wasn't sure of what to think anymore, it wasn't anyone's fault but his own for thinking there was a chance; that the fact that Sho liked him meant a shot to try to win his love.
Suddenly more memories gulped together on his mind, making his heart ache. He remembered the flirting that kept going during the rest of the trip, the meaningful looks that nobody but them noticed, the stolen kisses every now and then, the x-rated text messages they sent late at night before saying good night, the longing when Sho couldn't make time for him. The moments when he let himself to be flirty, spontaneous and shameless.
They never put a label on what they had, they weren't a couple, but certainly there was something going on in there, they fooled themselves thinking both were on the same page but it didn't take long 'til Sho realized that what he felt wasn't the same. He enjoyed everything that he had with Jun but he knew he was feeling something else and that as much as he tried his feelings won’t be the same as Jun's
On the other hand Jun was trying hard to not breakdown, telling himself this was enough, following the rules and not putting labels, letting it flow and enjoying what they had. But truth was he wanted more, he wanted Sho fully for him, body and soul, always, not just sneak outs, not when he had to beg for some intimacy sometimes, especially when in some point Sho seemed to be holding himself back.
They managed to pass the periods where Sho seemed to not wanting to keep with whatever they were having, Jun always found a way to convince him of keep going, and after a couple sessions of hot sex they spent some days being all sweet and tender, even though at some point Sho doubting period still showed up making Jun being afraid that his fantasy was about to come to an end, and that he’d never make the other man love him.
And he wasn’t wrong. It all had ended one week ago when suddenly Jun got a call from Sho, telling him he was at his house and he wanted to talk to him, weird thing since they weren’t supposed to see each other until next day, so he rushed intrigued of what was this about and without he could stop it, his mind played the trick thinking maybe he would ask him to make things official, after all, were almost 6 month of this “game” between them.
When he arrived home, he immediately knew this wasn’t going to be good, just by having a look to Sho who was serious and a bit cold
“Are you ok?” Jun asked
“Yeah, sorry to come without notice” was all he replied
“It’s ok, come in.” Jun said walking inside followed by the other guy, “want something to drink?” he asked trying to dissipate the tension that was setting in
“I’m fine, Jun…could you please sit down” Sho said with a bit of irritation on his voice
“Are you ok?” the younger man asked one more time “Are we ok?” he added with visible worry in his eyes
And that was all it took for Sho lost his temper
“There’s no “we” Jun, why don’t you get it?” he snapped, Sho himself didn’t know why he was so upset or if he was upset with Jun or with himself
“I’m sorry” Jun said almost in a whisper
Sho took a deep breath trying to calm down, once he felt he could talk without snapping he spoke
“I’m sorry Jun, I just…” he hesitated not knowing how to continue “I think we need to stop seeing each other” was the first that came out of his mouth
Jun looked at him with pleading eyes
“Why?” he asked
“Why? Jun you know why” Sho let out a bitter laugh “This, is not good for us, not for you, is not fair to you” he said getting close to Jun and wiping a tear that was rolling on the younger man cheek
“It is good, you’re good for me…I…I know you don’t love me, I know I’m annoying and clingy but I do love you, and I haven’t asked you anymore than whatever you can give me” Jun said putting his hand over Sho’s
“Jun…”
“Please don’t leave me” Jun begged
Sho could feel his heart aching and tears brimming his eyes, he loved him, he really did just not in the way Jun wanted, not in the way Jun deserved , he didn’t want to make him suffer, he couldn’t stand to see him cry, especially when he was the reason of his tears.
Without saying anything more, he pulled Jun into an embrace. Just like that day when Jun was resigned to not expecting anything after his confession.
*
Jun smiled bitterly, he wanted to go back in time and punch himself to not beg, to not cry when Sho let go of his embrace and walked to the door, to not call him over and over again begging him to come back, begging him to give him another chance. And then it hit him, how much effort must have taken to Sho to stay on his side, to surrender to what he wanted just to please him, and how selfish he had been for keep asking Sho to stay with him when he was not happy.
Tears rolled down to his cheek but he wiped them quickly, he wasn’t going to allow himself to cry for the matter, after all it was him who looked for this somehow. It didn’t surprise him that the other guys knew about what happened, he had the idea Nino knew since day one which meant Ohno knew about it too, and Sho of course had told Aiba, after all he was his best friend.
He stood up and looked for the phone, dialing a number he knew very well, his heart stopped when he listened the voice on the other line
“Jun? Please don’t hang up…I…” Sho said quickly
“Please listen to me and don’t say anything” Jun interrupted him
“Are you ok?” Sho asked
“I will be…I’m sorry Sho, I’m sorry I pushed you into a game that both lost, I’m sorry I made you unhappy and that I hurt you…I…I didn’t meant it, and this is not what love is supposed to be. But I do love you Sho, always have and always will…and all I want is for you to be happy, but I want to be happy too, and even when maybe my happiness won’t be complete for not having you with me. I’ll be fine but I need to be away, so please don’t look for me, don’t call me. I’ll leave Tokyo and who knows if someday we meet again, if we do, I hope we can look each other and smile and be happy that life reunited us again”
Jun lost his strength and breakdown
“I love you, be happy Sho find a lucky someone that make you happy, that love you as nothing more exist, who look at you as if you are the most precious thing on earth…”
Sho stayed silent, tears rolling down his cheeks and trying hard to put himself together, to say something, to make Jun understand that he didn’t want to lose him, that he wanted him in his life, but then he understood why Jun was doing this and that this wasn’t about what he wanted but what was best for both
“Be happy Jun, I hope life bring us close again sometime soon.” Was all he could say before Jun hang up the phone.
*
Those were the last words Jun would listen from him, after that he went back to NY and found himself making career as a fashion photographer, travelling around the world. He cut all communication with Sho and with his friends, he knew it was the best, even when at times all he wanted was calling him and listen his voice.
5 years had passed since then, Jun was still single by choice he said, he dated every now and then but nothing too meaningful, yet he was pleased and in peace with his life. He hadn’t planned to go back to Tokyo until he had to come back for his sister’s wedding, he planned elaborated excuses to not go but at the end, it was more important to be with his sister on such an important day that kept running from his past.
Before heading to the party, he couldn’t avoid moved by curiosity walking once again to that coffee shop, he wondered if Aiba and Nino still were the owners, he was about to cross the street when suddenly he felt a twitch in his heart, to see in front of him the man he loved.
Sho saw him too and gave him one of those toothy smiles of his, he was in one of the tables outside with a beautiful girl who was holding a baby.
Jun understood what happened when the girl gave Sho a peck on the lips to get his attention; he just smiled to see the joy in those brown eyes he loved deeply.
Sho could see Jun’s mouth forming the words “Goodbye Sho” and smile at him before he turned around and started to walk away, he found himself saying them too in a whisper “Goodbye Jun”.
_________
A/N: Hi!! After 6 months I finally wrote another SakuMoto fic! I'm pleased with the result even when is not a happy one. I hope you had enjoyed it too. It took me weeks to finish it and I thank my lovely beta for the help. Concrit is always welcome and thanks for reading
p.s I really had no idea it turned out to be that long!
Beta reader: 暗
Length: One-shot
Genre: Drama, Angst (?)
Rating: G
Pairing: SakuMoto
Disclaimer: Only the story is mine
Summary: What happens when you love someone but it cant be. Will you let it go?
The sound of a familiar voice pulled him out of his slumber, his first instinct was covering his ears with the pillow, trying to ignore the voice coming out of the answer machine.
"Jun pick up, you can't hide from the world forever, you can hide from him..." the voice complained
"Come on, Jun-chan, let me talk to you. I'm gonna keep insisting 'til you answer the phone and..."
Jun picked up the phone quickly, causing a mess on the night-table. Certainly he wasn't in the mood to have to deal with his friend waking him up and threating with keep calling when all he wanted to do was sleep and forget about everything
"What Aiba? What?" was the first thing he said with an exasperated tone
"How are you?" the other man replied with a soft voice
"How you think I am?" Jun replied ironic
"He's been asking for you and..."
"Aiba, no...I...don't need that now, not now not ever. So stop it ok?" Jun interrupted his friend
"Jun is being already a week, you can’t hide forever"
"I can try it. Look...I get it, he doesn’t love me, and that's ok but I just can’t stop feeling you know? And I'm tired of him trying to act like everything is cool when is not..."
"I know, but he doesn't want to lose you" this time Aiba interrupted him
"I don't wanna lose him either but I don't want him to be worrying for telling me things, that he looks at me like he's feeling sorry or that he pretends that everything is ok..."
"I know" replied Aiba with a serious tone, that one that Jun had never expected to hear from him. "I'm sorry" he continued.
Why on earth he was apologizing? Jun thought before replying.
"I'm just...tired" Jun sighted and let himself fall in the pillow trying to hold the tears
"Jun..."
"No Aiba, the chasing is over. He doesn’t want me? Fine, but I don't want his sorry either or anyone's sorry for that matter. I had enough of that... I'll call you later."
He didn't wait for a reply and hung up the phone, before throw it in to a side with anger.
He stayed there lying in bed looking absent minded to the ceiling, tears started to roll down his cheeks while his hands grabbed the sheets, tighten his grip till his knuckles started to turn white .
His mind wondered without he could do anything to stop it.
*6 months ago*
It was a warm summer night; he just had come back from New York after getting his photography degree at NYU. He had missed Tokyo so much, and as soon as he installed back in his apartment he took his camera and decided to go for a stroll.
He walked down the street, feeling nostalgic for finally being back home. He missed it so bad, his friends, his parents, his sister, everything. Somehow everything around him seemed so new but so familiar at the same time, he wanted to capture every single thing so he immediately started taking pictures of everything around him.
Without notice it, he found himself walking to the old coffee shop where he and his friends used to hang out after classes. He smiled, the place looked exactly as he remembered, it was a small place, with a few tables outside, lights hanging around and soft music playing in the background.
He wanted to see if inside was still as cozy as it was back in the days, so he quickly got in. It looked like time barely had passed, there were some changes of course but pretty much it remained the same. He walked towards a table in the corner and waited for the waiter while he turned on his camera and started to check the pictures he had taken on his way there, smiling pleased.
When he looked up to the bar, he could see a familiar face sitting in one of the chairs, focused on a lap top. Jun could feel his heart beating faster, when he realized who the person was. Without thinking it twice he stood up, leaving his stuff on the table and walking towards the bar.
"Sakurai-san?" he asked hesitantly
The man turned to look at him and smiled, removing his glasses and putting them on top of the bar before standing up and give him a hug
"MatsuJun, long time not see" he said while tightening the hug and kept smiling
Jun thought his heart was going to come out of his chest when he feel the warm embrace and quickly felt how his cheeks started to warm too
"When you came back? Why you didn't tell us?" the man asked him, giving a small pout
"I-I came back today, and was gonna call you guys later" Jun replied trying to dissimulate his blush "I didn't expect to see you here..." He really meant that last part.
*
4 years have passed since the last time they had seen each other and after all that time one would think Jun should have forgotten his feelings towards the other man, but that moment just proved that time didn't matter.
Jun was lost in his emotions, in the time he was away he had messed with girls and boys around, but even after all this time, he still was in love with Sho and probably he'll always be. Just when he was admiring how Sho had changed and how his face looked more mature a scream got him back to reality.
"MatsuJun!?" A pair of arms grabbed him tightly. "When did you come back? Why didn't you call us? You forgot about us!?"
Jun just laughed with the man's over excited reaction.
"Easy Aiba, I just came back today"
"Oh! And you came to see us first thing?"
"Well, actually I didn't know I'd find you two here"
"You didn't know? Now Nino and I own this place" The man replied with a big smile and a pride look in his eyes
They started talking, Aiba was making sure to update Jun about all the things he had missed until a messy haired Nino came out of the kitchen, Aiba just looked at him and rolled his eyes when a he saw Ohno walking behind him looking almost the same.
"Could you at least not do that during work nor here!?"
"Oh come on Aiba..."
Just then the skinny guy noticed the presence of Jun that was staring at them with his jaw hanging.
"Jun-pon!"
Just that name was enough to piss him off and make him come back to his senses.
"Brat!"
"Look Oh-chan! Jun-pon is back"
After the needed hugs and greetings Jun asked what it was obvious.
"So wait, now you two are together?"
Both Nino and Ohno just laughed at that while Nino grabbed Ohno's hand.
"Well, it's not that surprising now that I come to think about it"
They talked for hours, and Jun realized how he had missed his friends, especially one, he thought gazing at Sho. After all this time, none of them have changed even a bit, and he felt glad of be back.
*
Now six months after that, he wondered if he wouldn't have got into the coffee shop that night, if his life would be different.
He loosen the thigh of his grip letting go the sheet and moved his hand to his face trying to brush the tears away from his cheeks, then he dragged himself out of the bed and wandered towards the kitchen looking something to drink before laying in the sofa.
He drank slowly, trying to put himself together until his gaze landed on a photography that was in one of his shelves. He got up and took a look at it closely, it was a pic of the 5, Nino behind Ohno hugging him, Aiba sat on the floor, he next to Sho who had his arm over his shoulder.
His expression in that picture made him feel a pinch of pain in his heart. He turned down the frame; he didn't want to keep seeing it. It was from one of their trips, it had been fun and he enjoyed fully, but now the whole memory of it hurt so much.
*
"We're going on vacation!" Aiba announced them one morning when they were having breakfast at the coffee shop.
"We're what?" Nino asked him, while feeding Ohno a piece of melon bread
Aiba sat down on the empty chair next to Jun without stop smiling.
"We're going to the beach! You know, to celebrate that Jun-chan is back" Jun couldn't avoid to smile; it was long time since someone called him like that.
"Guys, you don't have to do that" he quickly said before taking a sip of his coffee
"But I think is a good idea!" Ohno almost screamed before Nino stuffed his mouth with more bread
"Why so excited Oh-chan?" Nino asked surprised by his boyfriend reaction "Did you miss Jun that much?" he teased but he already could imagine why Ohno was so excited
"I think Aiba-chan said the magic word" Sho giggled and Jun felt like melting with the sound of his laugh
"Feeling well, Jun-pon?" Nino teased him noticing the small blush on Jun's face
Everyone turn to look Jun who felt visible nervous to have all eyes on him
"Ye-yeah, what magic word?" he asked trying to change the subject, and giving a killer look to Nino who just smiled and gave him a wink
"Beach!" Sho answered while Ohno smiled too, feeling caught. After all wasn't a secret that he loved fishing.
A couple days later, they arrived to a nearby beach. Everyone was excited, it had been so long since the last time they had spent some spare time together and it was a good opportunity to catch up and remember old times.
They got installed in a small shack that Aiba rented, Ohno and Nino immediately took a room for them and sneaked out for some private time, Jun had noticed that those two (mostly Nino) always were up for some action.
With that there was just one room free and three of them, the younger man almost choked when Aiba announced he was going to slept in the couch and he and Sho could keep the room. He felt relieved when saw there were two single beds inside.
They spent the rest of the day playing at the beach except Jun who was busy preparing a bonfire and cooking stuff for them. Sho felt guilty and decided to help him
"Sorry, this is for celebrate your come back and we left you all the work" Sho said apologizing
Jun chuckled "It's ok, I like doing this"
Half hour later, the other 3 guys joined them and sat down around the fire, to have a beer and talk. Jun told them about NY and how his life was there, Ohno and Nino told him how they got together and Aiba told them excited the story of how they became owners of the coffee shop and Sho told him about how Keio University had been and about his job.
"So, Jun-pon...didn't you leave some broken hearts in the big apple? Nino asked teasingly
"No, I meant sure I dated..."he replied gazing quickly at Sho "but nothing serious"
"Oh! Then we can look for a girlfriend or a boyfriend for you?" Aiba interrupted excited.
Jun blushed and before he could say anything, Nino spoke
"I think our Jun-pon already has someone, don’t you?"
Sho turned to look at him
"You do MatsuJun? So then it means you left being in love with someone from here?" Sho asked without being able to hide his curiosity
"Yeah" was all he said, without taking his eyes of him and slightly blushing
Sho smiled satisfied with the answer while taking a sip of his beer, Nino shifted his gaze between both and shake his head while a smirk appeared on his lips
They kept drinking and sharing stories without notice the passing time, soon Aiba was asleep on the sand, Nino using his lap as pillow while holding Ohno's hand, who passed out next to him.
Sho started to feel tipsy too but still was awake fascinated with Jun's stories about NY. Jun stopped drinking as soon as he start feeling light headed so he was a bit more conscious.
"MatsuJun..."
"Yeah?"
"I think I like you" said Sho looking straight to the bonfire
Jun felt his heart stopped and he wasn't sure he had listen correctly
"Yo-you...what? " he answered trying to sound normal but failing miserably at it
"I-li-ke-you" said Sho giggling "there I said it, I don't like boys but you're..." he turned around looking Jun's gaze "special"
Jun blushed furiously and lowed down his gaze before answering
"I-I like you too" it came out like a murmur, before he knew it Sho was already next to him, he cupped his face on his hands and got close to him brushing their lips together.
The younger man let himself go in that kiss, he had dreamed with it since long ago, it felt so surreal and so good at the same time. He didn't want to stop it, after all he wasn't sure if this was going to happen again.
After a few seconds, they broke the kiss, letting Jun eager for more. It didn't took long before Sho fell asleep next to him, he smiled and couldn't stop himself from thinking if Sho really meant it or was just the buzz of the alcohol.
The next day he tried to act like nothing happened and avoided the mention of the kiss or Sho's confession and the other man didn't seem to remember a thing of what happened or so thought Jun.
They were again preparing a bbq for lunch time, when Nino insisted that Jun took them a pic. once the picture was taken everyone go back to do their thing, Nino glued to his game, while Ohno was sleeping on his lap enjoying the sun, Aiba helping Jun to cook and Sho was inside preparing some drinks.
In some point Aiba was replaced with Sho and Jun couldn't avoid feeling a bit tense while blushed remembering the night before.
"How's going the hung over?" he asked
Sho laughed and got close to him
"Jun" it was the first time he called him like that "I did mean what I say last night but..."
The younger man didn't want to hear the rest, he was pretty shocked he remembered about it
"It's ok, you don't have to say anything else" he turned around to look at him "I meant then you know I like you and I like you a lot, but don't intent anything"
Jun lied. not only to Sho but also to himself, but he carried on smiling, trying to hold himself together
"I think you're gorgeous and sexy and I didn't though someday you could even look at me as nothing more than the awkward boy who runs around you everywhere"
Sho smiled and in an impulse held him tight
*
Jun smiled bitterly, he wasn't sure of what to think anymore, it wasn't anyone's fault but his own for thinking there was a chance; that the fact that Sho liked him meant a shot to try to win his love.
Suddenly more memories gulped together on his mind, making his heart ache. He remembered the flirting that kept going during the rest of the trip, the meaningful looks that nobody but them noticed, the stolen kisses every now and then, the x-rated text messages they sent late at night before saying good night, the longing when Sho couldn't make time for him. The moments when he let himself to be flirty, spontaneous and shameless.
They never put a label on what they had, they weren't a couple, but certainly there was something going on in there, they fooled themselves thinking both were on the same page but it didn't take long 'til Sho realized that what he felt wasn't the same. He enjoyed everything that he had with Jun but he knew he was feeling something else and that as much as he tried his feelings won’t be the same as Jun's
On the other hand Jun was trying hard to not breakdown, telling himself this was enough, following the rules and not putting labels, letting it flow and enjoying what they had. But truth was he wanted more, he wanted Sho fully for him, body and soul, always, not just sneak outs, not when he had to beg for some intimacy sometimes, especially when in some point Sho seemed to be holding himself back.
They managed to pass the periods where Sho seemed to not wanting to keep with whatever they were having, Jun always found a way to convince him of keep going, and after a couple sessions of hot sex they spent some days being all sweet and tender, even though at some point Sho doubting period still showed up making Jun being afraid that his fantasy was about to come to an end, and that he’d never make the other man love him.
And he wasn’t wrong. It all had ended one week ago when suddenly Jun got a call from Sho, telling him he was at his house and he wanted to talk to him, weird thing since they weren’t supposed to see each other until next day, so he rushed intrigued of what was this about and without he could stop it, his mind played the trick thinking maybe he would ask him to make things official, after all, were almost 6 month of this “game” between them.
When he arrived home, he immediately knew this wasn’t going to be good, just by having a look to Sho who was serious and a bit cold
“Are you ok?” Jun asked
“Yeah, sorry to come without notice” was all he replied
“It’s ok, come in.” Jun said walking inside followed by the other guy, “want something to drink?” he asked trying to dissipate the tension that was setting in
“I’m fine, Jun…could you please sit down” Sho said with a bit of irritation on his voice
“Are you ok?” the younger man asked one more time “Are we ok?” he added with visible worry in his eyes
And that was all it took for Sho lost his temper
“There’s no “we” Jun, why don’t you get it?” he snapped, Sho himself didn’t know why he was so upset or if he was upset with Jun or with himself
“I’m sorry” Jun said almost in a whisper
Sho took a deep breath trying to calm down, once he felt he could talk without snapping he spoke
“I’m sorry Jun, I just…” he hesitated not knowing how to continue “I think we need to stop seeing each other” was the first that came out of his mouth
Jun looked at him with pleading eyes
“Why?” he asked
“Why? Jun you know why” Sho let out a bitter laugh “This, is not good for us, not for you, is not fair to you” he said getting close to Jun and wiping a tear that was rolling on the younger man cheek
“It is good, you’re good for me…I…I know you don’t love me, I know I’m annoying and clingy but I do love you, and I haven’t asked you anymore than whatever you can give me” Jun said putting his hand over Sho’s
“Jun…”
“Please don’t leave me” Jun begged
Sho could feel his heart aching and tears brimming his eyes, he loved him, he really did just not in the way Jun wanted, not in the way Jun deserved , he didn’t want to make him suffer, he couldn’t stand to see him cry, especially when he was the reason of his tears.
Without saying anything more, he pulled Jun into an embrace. Just like that day when Jun was resigned to not expecting anything after his confession.
*
Jun smiled bitterly, he wanted to go back in time and punch himself to not beg, to not cry when Sho let go of his embrace and walked to the door, to not call him over and over again begging him to come back, begging him to give him another chance. And then it hit him, how much effort must have taken to Sho to stay on his side, to surrender to what he wanted just to please him, and how selfish he had been for keep asking Sho to stay with him when he was not happy.
Tears rolled down to his cheek but he wiped them quickly, he wasn’t going to allow himself to cry for the matter, after all it was him who looked for this somehow. It didn’t surprise him that the other guys knew about what happened, he had the idea Nino knew since day one which meant Ohno knew about it too, and Sho of course had told Aiba, after all he was his best friend.
He stood up and looked for the phone, dialing a number he knew very well, his heart stopped when he listened the voice on the other line
“Jun? Please don’t hang up…I…” Sho said quickly
“Please listen to me and don’t say anything” Jun interrupted him
“Are you ok?” Sho asked
“I will be…I’m sorry Sho, I’m sorry I pushed you into a game that both lost, I’m sorry I made you unhappy and that I hurt you…I…I didn’t meant it, and this is not what love is supposed to be. But I do love you Sho, always have and always will…and all I want is for you to be happy, but I want to be happy too, and even when maybe my happiness won’t be complete for not having you with me. I’ll be fine but I need to be away, so please don’t look for me, don’t call me. I’ll leave Tokyo and who knows if someday we meet again, if we do, I hope we can look each other and smile and be happy that life reunited us again”
Jun lost his strength and breakdown
“I love you, be happy Sho find a lucky someone that make you happy, that love you as nothing more exist, who look at you as if you are the most precious thing on earth…”
Sho stayed silent, tears rolling down his cheeks and trying hard to put himself together, to say something, to make Jun understand that he didn’t want to lose him, that he wanted him in his life, but then he understood why Jun was doing this and that this wasn’t about what he wanted but what was best for both
“Be happy Jun, I hope life bring us close again sometime soon.” Was all he could say before Jun hang up the phone.
*
Those were the last words Jun would listen from him, after that he went back to NY and found himself making career as a fashion photographer, travelling around the world. He cut all communication with Sho and with his friends, he knew it was the best, even when at times all he wanted was calling him and listen his voice.
5 years had passed since then, Jun was still single by choice he said, he dated every now and then but nothing too meaningful, yet he was pleased and in peace with his life. He hadn’t planned to go back to Tokyo until he had to come back for his sister’s wedding, he planned elaborated excuses to not go but at the end, it was more important to be with his sister on such an important day that kept running from his past.
Before heading to the party, he couldn’t avoid moved by curiosity walking once again to that coffee shop, he wondered if Aiba and Nino still were the owners, he was about to cross the street when suddenly he felt a twitch in his heart, to see in front of him the man he loved.
Sho saw him too and gave him one of those toothy smiles of his, he was in one of the tables outside with a beautiful girl who was holding a baby.
Jun understood what happened when the girl gave Sho a peck on the lips to get his attention; he just smiled to see the joy in those brown eyes he loved deeply.
Sho could see Jun’s mouth forming the words “Goodbye Sho” and smile at him before he turned around and started to walk away, he found himself saying them too in a whisper “Goodbye Jun”.
_________
A/N: Hi!! After 6 months I finally wrote another SakuMoto fic! I'm pleased with the result even when is not a happy one. I hope you had enjoyed it too. It took me weeks to finish it and I thank my lovely beta for the help. Concrit is always welcome and thanks for reading
p.s I really had no idea it turned out to be that long!