MR. NOTHING II: I'LL WASTE MY TIME, AND I'LL BURN MY MIND [2/7]
Pairing: Sho x Aiba
Disclaimer: Only the story belongs to me
Genre: angst, drama, AU
Rating: PG-13 [Warning: topics that could be triggering]
Summary: Aiba's POV of Mr. Nothing. He never questioned him what was he doing with his life anymore. He had lost himself a long ago. Misused, misunderstood. He didn’t know what he had done with himself nor wanted to know. Fuck, being fucked, boys, girls… it didn’t matter to him. This was his life; this had been his life for a long time. A life directed to self-destruction since the moment he lost himself. Self-injury, alcohol, sex with strangers, self-hate… he didn’t care anymore, he was empty, he was Mr. Nothing
******
As he woke up the following morning, it all hit him again. He’d been abandoned, rejected, raped, used… it hurt till a point it was unbearable. He was nothing, he worth nothing. That’s what people had taught him. But he couldn’t seed a tear, it hurt but all was inside of him, it was suffocating, all those thoughts, and all those feelings. All was just overwhelming. He got up and went to the toilet; he needed to feel he was there, that he was alive, that all was real. He grabbed the razor he had always there and after taking out his shirt he started cutting, watching the blood flowing from the cuts. It was real, the pain was real, the suffering was real, he just couldn’t let it out. It was as if the walls he had build were enchasing him inside, adding more pain to the mix but never letting it out. He had wondered many times if he should better die, if one of those times, he should just cut deeper.
He looked at himself in the mirror; his arms, his chest and his belly were full of cuts. He had become unable to seed tears but these were his tears, his tears of blood. One of the only things he had left to prove him he was there, that all was real. He kept seeing how the blood was flowing... It didn't make any sense, nothing did. Every pain in his life has been marked in his body with a sick precision...
People would think he was sick, normally people would freak out as they saw it and reject it immediately, that’s why he always took good care of not letting people see them. It was his sin, his pains… all his life in his body, that’s why he had gotten his tattoos too, most of them were just words, feelings... the prove he was there.
He went through the day like a shadow, too lost in his own mind to care, only waiting to the opportunity to forget again, even if it was just for some hours.
At night, he kept his routine, he kept looking for whatever that would make him stop thinking, but somehow, anywhere he went, he was there, looking at him. It was a different feeling, and something he couldn’t explain, but the fact that the other was always looking at him started to make it hard to forget, it made his mind to stay in that place, not that he’d give up trying.
That night, he had hoped he’d got the right place so he wouldn’t see him, he couldn’t stand his stare on him while he kept trying to destroy his mind and his body, but to his bad luck, he was there, with his friends, and something looked different in the way they acted. Aiba had seen his friends around, specially the thin one with the marked features, but he knew nothing about them, and he didn’t need to know.
It was so hard for him, he couldn’t just get wasted as normally when that guy was there. He saw them talking relaxed and then, their eyes met, and Aiba was unable to look away. During the whole time, Aiba couldn’t get away the feeling that the other was looking at him, no matter how often he moved around or how unnoticed he was trying to pass that night. Even though, he had a plan, as always, and nobody was gonna stop him, so he started to flirt around, with whoever, he got invited to drinks, to drugs… that was what he was looking for.
As the time passed by and he started to get out of his mind, he started to forget. He lost track of time, and when he noticed he was surrounded by a group of guys. He was aware he had that kind of fame, but no meant no, and he wasn’t in the mood for whatever they’d want. Still, he did nothing, he just stayed there. He didn’t want a hero, he didn’t even want to help himself… why would he? He deserved that. He was nothing…
It was then when somebody suddenly dragged him out of the circle the guys had made, and he couldn’t understand what had happened. He looked at the owner of the hand that was dragging him and realization hit him, it was that guy. What? He had some kind of hero complex? He didn’t need anybody, he didn’t deserve anybody… he couldn’t trust anybody.
“What are you doing? Didn’t I tell you? I don’t need anybody”
Aiba got out of the place, what was with that guy? He was just a fuck, so whatever wrong idea he had gotten was wrong, he couldn’t be with anybody, he had put so many barriers to himself to avoid that.
As he got out and started walking, suddenly the same group of guys from before surrounded him and pushed him in an alley.
“What? We’re not enough to be with you? Where is your hero now?”
The guys started to shout at him whatever it crossed their minds while they kept pushing him and touching him, but Aiba was not afraid, it was not the first time that happened to him. He used to get raped and kicked daily before he ran away from his foster parents’ home, this wasn’t much different. He just ran to the deepest part of his mind while they kicked him to the floor and started to beat him harder, even ripping his clothes, but he didn’t care anymore, maybe it’d be good if they’d beat him to death. He didn’t even notice when they stopped, nor why they did, he stayed there, laid on the floor, not even wanting to move.
His whole body was hurting, and he was starting to freeze, but he still didn’t move. It was then when he felt somebody touching him and his first reaction was to move away, to avoid any kind of contact, he didn’t need anything else that night… it was enough, and he started to wonder why they hadn’t killed him, it’d be easier this way.
He barely heard the voice of the other person, and took him a little to understand what he was saying.
“Hey, Mr. Nothing… you’re hurt, want me to bring you to the hospital? Do you need an ambulance?”
He didn’t need that, why would he? He’d get over that one way or another, by himself… as always.
“I don’t need anything. Leave”
“I am not leaving, what’s wrong with you? I’ll call an ambulance, what happened?”
“No, no, don’t call an ambulance. Just leave me here…”
“I’m not, let me take you home. Where do you live, Mr. Nothing?”
The other looked stubborn enough to not letting him in peace, so he allowed him to help him getting up, it was then when all went black.
The next time he opened his eyes, he had no idea where he was, he didn’t recognized the place, and was quite sure he hadn’t been there before.
“Where am I?”
His voice came out huskily, surprising himself. He kept staring around when he heard some coughs besides him.
“You’re in my room, you passed out in the middle of the alley and didn’t know where you lived-“
Aiba couldn’t believe what he was hearing, what had happened, why the other hadn’t left him there?
“Why? I told you to get lost, didn’t I?”
“I… I couldn’t leave you there unconscious”
But to Aiba, it wouldn’t make a different. Nobody had given a fuck for him… ever. He wasn’t expecting anybody to worry about him, because he had been taught deeply that he didn’t deserve that.
“Why to worry? I’m not worth…”
Aiba tried to wake up ready to leave, his body was still aching in many parts, and his mind was still numb, but a hand in his wrist stopped his movements.
“Wait, I’ll… I’ll make some breakfast, so stay a little more. It’s ok, really, it’s not a bother, ok? Stay”
Why was he doing it? Why he didn’t leave him alone? Whatever the other seemed to want, he wasn’t going to get it from him … then why. He didn’t even know him, he didn’t know his name…
“By the way, I’m Sakurai Sho…”
Aiba’s gaze snapped at the other as if his thoughts had been read. He stared at him for a minute, debating himself, but finally let it go.
“I’m… Aiba Masaki”
Aiba was still trying to decide if to leave or not when the other started talking. Was this guy serious? Why was he helping him? Aiba couldn't understand it, what did that Sakurai want?
When Sho came back with what it looked like cookies and coffee, Aiba was still standing in the same place, unable to move and not knowing what to do.
"May I ask what happened last night?"
The other was using a soft tone, but anyway, Aiba felt vulnerable, and the other way he knew to protect himself, was to keep anybody out.
"I don't see what that has to do with you..."
Aiba's mind was a mess, it was stupid, but a part of his boss in the pet shop, nobody had ever talked to him like that. Everybody had treated him like rubbish.
“Well, you’re right, it has nothing to do with me… but I’d like to know”
“Sakurai-san, as I said, that has nothing to do with you”
He felt somehow warm with the way he was being treated, but he couldn't let his walls to weaken, he had to keep protecting himself. The rest of the breakfast went in silence, he wasn't hungry at all, but the hot coffee felt good. He started to get lost in his mind again when he heard the other again.
“So, Aiba-san… what do you normally do?”
“You mean apart of going out, getting fucked and drunk?”
“Yeah… I guess”
“I work”
He could feel the other staring at him.
“You don’t trust easily, right?”
“Why should I? That never brings anything good”
It was true, he had trusted many people before, but he learnt not to do it anymore. It always ended up the same way, and he was tired of that result. He promised himself he’d never trust anybody, and nobody had tried to make him trust them anymore.
“This…Aiba-san… last night while treating your wounds I… saw the cuts, I didn’t intend it, and I’m sorry, really. Is just that---“
Aiba couldn't believe it, he felt threatened, he wanted to run, the guy in front of him had seen what he had never wanted anybody to see. Nobody was allowed to see that, why had he seen it? And why did he care? He didn't care, nobody could care!
“Why you care?”
Aiba tried to protect himself behind a cold mask, but he was scared, he was scared of what the other may say about him after seeing it. He felt judged, he felt vulnerable, weak, no matter the soft tone the other was trying to use.
“I don’t know… you do that to yourself?”
“What if I do?”
It was nobody's problem, it was only his. He felt betrayed somehow, and it hurt him the possible reaction he may be getting for that. He had felt safe there for a second, but all had vanished, he had seen his dark part, he had seen how messed up he was...
But surprisingly, the other didn't start to blame him, didn't start to push him about that, he just asked why, but Aiba was way too scared to answer to that question. Why had he decided to care? Why that guy wasn't pushing him away? After all, Aiba had been just a one night fuck for him... but was he trying to help him? Aiba couldn't take that risk...
“Don’t expect that because you helped me, I owe you something, I didn’t ask you to. Now, if you excuse me Sakurai-san, I have to go”
******
Disclaimer: Only the story belongs to me
Genre: angst, drama, AU
Rating: PG-13 [Warning: topics that could be triggering]
Summary: Aiba's POV of Mr. Nothing. He never questioned him what was he doing with his life anymore. He had lost himself a long ago. Misused, misunderstood. He didn’t know what he had done with himself nor wanted to know. Fuck, being fucked, boys, girls… it didn’t matter to him. This was his life; this had been his life for a long time. A life directed to self-destruction since the moment he lost himself. Self-injury, alcohol, sex with strangers, self-hate… he didn’t care anymore, he was empty, he was Mr. Nothing
******
As he woke up the following morning, it all hit him again. He’d been abandoned, rejected, raped, used… it hurt till a point it was unbearable. He was nothing, he worth nothing. That’s what people had taught him. But he couldn’t seed a tear, it hurt but all was inside of him, it was suffocating, all those thoughts, and all those feelings. All was just overwhelming. He got up and went to the toilet; he needed to feel he was there, that he was alive, that all was real. He grabbed the razor he had always there and after taking out his shirt he started cutting, watching the blood flowing from the cuts. It was real, the pain was real, the suffering was real, he just couldn’t let it out. It was as if the walls he had build were enchasing him inside, adding more pain to the mix but never letting it out. He had wondered many times if he should better die, if one of those times, he should just cut deeper.
He looked at himself in the mirror; his arms, his chest and his belly were full of cuts. He had become unable to seed tears but these were his tears, his tears of blood. One of the only things he had left to prove him he was there, that all was real. He kept seeing how the blood was flowing... It didn't make any sense, nothing did. Every pain in his life has been marked in his body with a sick precision...
People would think he was sick, normally people would freak out as they saw it and reject it immediately, that’s why he always took good care of not letting people see them. It was his sin, his pains… all his life in his body, that’s why he had gotten his tattoos too, most of them were just words, feelings... the prove he was there.
He went through the day like a shadow, too lost in his own mind to care, only waiting to the opportunity to forget again, even if it was just for some hours.
At night, he kept his routine, he kept looking for whatever that would make him stop thinking, but somehow, anywhere he went, he was there, looking at him. It was a different feeling, and something he couldn’t explain, but the fact that the other was always looking at him started to make it hard to forget, it made his mind to stay in that place, not that he’d give up trying.
That night, he had hoped he’d got the right place so he wouldn’t see him, he couldn’t stand his stare on him while he kept trying to destroy his mind and his body, but to his bad luck, he was there, with his friends, and something looked different in the way they acted. Aiba had seen his friends around, specially the thin one with the marked features, but he knew nothing about them, and he didn’t need to know.
It was so hard for him, he couldn’t just get wasted as normally when that guy was there. He saw them talking relaxed and then, their eyes met, and Aiba was unable to look away. During the whole time, Aiba couldn’t get away the feeling that the other was looking at him, no matter how often he moved around or how unnoticed he was trying to pass that night. Even though, he had a plan, as always, and nobody was gonna stop him, so he started to flirt around, with whoever, he got invited to drinks, to drugs… that was what he was looking for.
As the time passed by and he started to get out of his mind, he started to forget. He lost track of time, and when he noticed he was surrounded by a group of guys. He was aware he had that kind of fame, but no meant no, and he wasn’t in the mood for whatever they’d want. Still, he did nothing, he just stayed there. He didn’t want a hero, he didn’t even want to help himself… why would he? He deserved that. He was nothing…
It was then when somebody suddenly dragged him out of the circle the guys had made, and he couldn’t understand what had happened. He looked at the owner of the hand that was dragging him and realization hit him, it was that guy. What? He had some kind of hero complex? He didn’t need anybody, he didn’t deserve anybody… he couldn’t trust anybody.
“What are you doing? Didn’t I tell you? I don’t need anybody”
Aiba got out of the place, what was with that guy? He was just a fuck, so whatever wrong idea he had gotten was wrong, he couldn’t be with anybody, he had put so many barriers to himself to avoid that.
As he got out and started walking, suddenly the same group of guys from before surrounded him and pushed him in an alley.
“What? We’re not enough to be with you? Where is your hero now?”
The guys started to shout at him whatever it crossed their minds while they kept pushing him and touching him, but Aiba was not afraid, it was not the first time that happened to him. He used to get raped and kicked daily before he ran away from his foster parents’ home, this wasn’t much different. He just ran to the deepest part of his mind while they kicked him to the floor and started to beat him harder, even ripping his clothes, but he didn’t care anymore, maybe it’d be good if they’d beat him to death. He didn’t even notice when they stopped, nor why they did, he stayed there, laid on the floor, not even wanting to move.
His whole body was hurting, and he was starting to freeze, but he still didn’t move. It was then when he felt somebody touching him and his first reaction was to move away, to avoid any kind of contact, he didn’t need anything else that night… it was enough, and he started to wonder why they hadn’t killed him, it’d be easier this way.
He barely heard the voice of the other person, and took him a little to understand what he was saying.
“Hey, Mr. Nothing… you’re hurt, want me to bring you to the hospital? Do you need an ambulance?”
He didn’t need that, why would he? He’d get over that one way or another, by himself… as always.
“I don’t need anything. Leave”
“I am not leaving, what’s wrong with you? I’ll call an ambulance, what happened?”
“No, no, don’t call an ambulance. Just leave me here…”
“I’m not, let me take you home. Where do you live, Mr. Nothing?”
The other looked stubborn enough to not letting him in peace, so he allowed him to help him getting up, it was then when all went black.
The next time he opened his eyes, he had no idea where he was, he didn’t recognized the place, and was quite sure he hadn’t been there before.
“Where am I?”
His voice came out huskily, surprising himself. He kept staring around when he heard some coughs besides him.
“You’re in my room, you passed out in the middle of the alley and didn’t know where you lived-“
Aiba couldn’t believe what he was hearing, what had happened, why the other hadn’t left him there?
“Why? I told you to get lost, didn’t I?”
“I… I couldn’t leave you there unconscious”
But to Aiba, it wouldn’t make a different. Nobody had given a fuck for him… ever. He wasn’t expecting anybody to worry about him, because he had been taught deeply that he didn’t deserve that.
“Why to worry? I’m not worth…”
Aiba tried to wake up ready to leave, his body was still aching in many parts, and his mind was still numb, but a hand in his wrist stopped his movements.
“Wait, I’ll… I’ll make some breakfast, so stay a little more. It’s ok, really, it’s not a bother, ok? Stay”
Why was he doing it? Why he didn’t leave him alone? Whatever the other seemed to want, he wasn’t going to get it from him … then why. He didn’t even know him, he didn’t know his name…
“By the way, I’m Sakurai Sho…”
Aiba’s gaze snapped at the other as if his thoughts had been read. He stared at him for a minute, debating himself, but finally let it go.
“I’m… Aiba Masaki”
Aiba was still trying to decide if to leave or not when the other started talking. Was this guy serious? Why was he helping him? Aiba couldn't understand it, what did that Sakurai want?
When Sho came back with what it looked like cookies and coffee, Aiba was still standing in the same place, unable to move and not knowing what to do.
"May I ask what happened last night?"
The other was using a soft tone, but anyway, Aiba felt vulnerable, and the other way he knew to protect himself, was to keep anybody out.
"I don't see what that has to do with you..."
Aiba's mind was a mess, it was stupid, but a part of his boss in the pet shop, nobody had ever talked to him like that. Everybody had treated him like rubbish.
“Well, you’re right, it has nothing to do with me… but I’d like to know”
“Sakurai-san, as I said, that has nothing to do with you”
He felt somehow warm with the way he was being treated, but he couldn't let his walls to weaken, he had to keep protecting himself. The rest of the breakfast went in silence, he wasn't hungry at all, but the hot coffee felt good. He started to get lost in his mind again when he heard the other again.
“So, Aiba-san… what do you normally do?”
“You mean apart of going out, getting fucked and drunk?”
“Yeah… I guess”
“I work”
He could feel the other staring at him.
“You don’t trust easily, right?”
“Why should I? That never brings anything good”
It was true, he had trusted many people before, but he learnt not to do it anymore. It always ended up the same way, and he was tired of that result. He promised himself he’d never trust anybody, and nobody had tried to make him trust them anymore.
“This…Aiba-san… last night while treating your wounds I… saw the cuts, I didn’t intend it, and I’m sorry, really. Is just that---“
Aiba couldn't believe it, he felt threatened, he wanted to run, the guy in front of him had seen what he had never wanted anybody to see. Nobody was allowed to see that, why had he seen it? And why did he care? He didn't care, nobody could care!
“Why you care?”
Aiba tried to protect himself behind a cold mask, but he was scared, he was scared of what the other may say about him after seeing it. He felt judged, he felt vulnerable, weak, no matter the soft tone the other was trying to use.
“I don’t know… you do that to yourself?”
“What if I do?”
It was nobody's problem, it was only his. He felt betrayed somehow, and it hurt him the possible reaction he may be getting for that. He had felt safe there for a second, but all had vanished, he had seen his dark part, he had seen how messed up he was...
But surprisingly, the other didn't start to blame him, didn't start to push him about that, he just asked why, but Aiba was way too scared to answer to that question. Why had he decided to care? Why that guy wasn't pushing him away? After all, Aiba had been just a one night fuck for him... but was he trying to help him? Aiba couldn't take that risk...
“Don’t expect that because you helped me, I owe you something, I didn’t ask you to. Now, if you excuse me Sakurai-san, I have to go”
******