MR. NOTHING II: I'LL WASTE MY TIME, AND I'LL BURN MY MIND [3/7]
Pairing: Sho x Aiba
Disclaimer: Only the story belongs to me
Genre: angst, drama, AU
Rating: PG-13 [Warning: topics that could be triggering]
Summary: Aiba's POV of Mr. Nothing. He never questioned him what was he doing with his life anymore. He had lost himself a long ago. Misused, misunderstood. He didn’t know what he had done with himself nor wanted to know. Fuck, being fucked, boys, girls… it didn’t matter to him. This was his life; this had been his life for a long time. A life directed to self-destruction since the moment he lost himself. Self-injury, alcohol, sex with strangers, self-hate… he didn’t care anymore, he was empty, he was Mr. Nothing
****
Aiba left the place as fast as he could, he was scared, he couldn't breathe, the previous situation was too much to take. Why the other would treat him like that? Aiba couldn't understand it. He was scared, scared that the other had seen them, he was scared of the other deciding to react like the rest would. He arrived home in a blur, he didn't even remembered having walked there. As soon as he opened the door he rushed to the toilet and grabbed his razor, but as he was going to cut he just couldn't do it, the feeling was suffocating, but he couldn't and he didn't know what else he could do in that situation, this had been his way for too long, he knew no other thing but getting deeper in his hole to forget.
Somehow, he managed to calm himself enough to get ready to go to work, after all, the old couple for the shop had kinda helped him in the past, and he didn't want to fail them. Luckily enough, there were no clients in the whole day, he wouldn't have been able to face them, his mind still going too fast for his own good. He couldn't understand what was on his mind, or what may be inside of the other's mind.
After work, he went to the first bar he found open with a clear idea, to get drunk and get all those thoughts and feelings outside of his mind, but it was impossible. Why couldn't he just forget the other face and soft tone as he was asking him. Why now somebody had decided to care? As he left the place, he was already drunk enough to not being able to walk straight, but an idea crossed his mind. Every moment in his life has been carved into his skin. His cuts, his tattoos, those were the story of his life, but this time, he wasn't able to make a scar, to make a memory of it on his body, so he went directly to the same tattoo shop he had always visited.
He hated the disgust look he'd get after discovering his body, but at least, the security of knowing it wasn't the first time showing them to that person would ease him enough to do it.
He didn't know exactly why he had chosen this one, he'd blame Sho's words lingering inside his mind together with the alcohol after that moment, but at that time he didn't thought so much, his mind offering him something to grab, a little hope, a tiny moment of security.
"Keep breathing..."
The sting of the needle against his skin was enough to calm his mind down, he laughed thinking how sick it was, that the only way he could find some relieve was through pain. The tattoo session went in a heartbeat and as soon as he was out of the shop he headed home only to change his clothes and then went to the usual bar. But as he walked a few steps inside, Sho's image came to his mind, part of him wanted to meet him again but there was the other part that was afraid of the other's reaction after what he had seen that night, he didn't need anyone to judge him and less anyone to pit him or to deal with disgusted stares. He stayed there for a minute scanning the place and then he saw him, it didn't take long for him to decide what side he should listen so he turned around and walked away.
After that, it became like a little routine, to scan the place to check if that guy wasn’t around but a couple days later he got tired of that and decided to change his party place, such a pity considering the other bar had been perfect for him to get what he needed. He didn't want to have anyone questioning why he did the things he do, but above all, he didn't want to open up to anyone else again, he had done it in the past and the consequences were never good, so why to put himself through that again. There was something about that guy that made him not able to do his usual stuff if he was around and he couldn’t deal with that.
He kept avoiding him, no matter when he’d gone, he’d leave as soon as he spotted him, not really knowing if the other had seen him or not. He needed to get out of his head, and the other would stop him from that, not because he’d do anything, but because he was there, because he probably knew more than anybody else.
Somehow, it scared him the fact the other could tell anything about what he had seen, but as the days passed and he kept as always, he realized it was not like that.
Somehow, it was becoming a problem, that no matter where he’d gone he’d seen him, and he was asking himself if there was any kind of universal force decided to keep messing with him. He couldn’t face him, he had tried to stay at the same place and act normal, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, and it was draining him. His mind was becoming more troubled with each passing day. He couldn’t face the other, but, continuously avoiding him, had Aiba exhausted, always alert to run away at any minute before he could be noticed. Even during the day, he had started to become a shadow… or well, more than before at least.
That day, he was taking some dogs for his walk, and even the dogs were acting differently around him, as if noticing what was going on. He let himself fall on the grass, he had no more energy to keep walking struggling with all the dogs that wanted to go to every possible different direction. But still, it was not their fault. Then, as if coming from nowhere a voice startled him, the voice from the person he was avoiding.
“I was starting to think you were dead… but guess probably you were avoiding me”
Aiba found himself with no place to escape, he wanted to disappear, to fade away, but he couldn’t, so he just nodded, waiting the other to finally leave.
“So, what have been of your life?”
And it was again, why was he asking? Why did he have to mess like that with him, like if he cared!
“Why do you wanna know?”
“Just curiosity”
“Well, if this satisfies your curiosity, yes, I was avoiding you”
He tried to say it hard enough for the other to get it and leave.
“Why is that? Because I know yo---“
Aiba was scared of what could come after that, he had to leave, he couldn’t face that, it was way over him.
“Because I can’t do what I always do when you’re around. And now sorry, but I have to return the dogs”
He stood up and started to walk away, and, as if the dogs could read his mind, they followed him without any resistance, he tried to speed up his pace, he needed to get away from that guy as fast as he could.
When he arrived to the shop and the owner took care of the dogs, he was able to go home. Part of him was panicking and part of him wanted to laugh at himself, why suddenly he was so scared, why suddenly he felt someone could care. He certainly didn’t have the answers to that, but there was something on that Sakurai guy that had pulled him out of his comfortable hole and that was probably the thing that scared him the most.
As soon as he arrived home, he went straight to bed, all he needed was to numb himself somehow and sleeping always did the trick when he wasn’t up for anything stronger, or at least it did the few nights he was lucky enough to not wake up tormented by the nightmares that had hunted him for years. He grabbed the bottle of tequila of the bedside table and shoved down a couple of sleeping pills that usually helped him to have something close to a good night.
The next morning as he was getting ready to leave for work, a thought crossed his mind, should he avoid the park today? After all, that guy had seen him there by mere chance or whatever reason. He even considered skipping work, but he couldn’t leave the old couple alone, especially the days they took care of all the dogs. And if he saw the other guy there again he would try to put an end to this whole mess.
As usual, when he arrived, the dogs were ready for his usual walk, and after walking back and forth for a couple minutes he headed back to the park, it didn’t take long till he saw Sho lying on the grass messing with his hair.
“What are you doing here?”
He asked trying to sound as cold as he could.
“Waiting for you.”
The reply took him a little off guard, and he debated for a minute if he should stay or run away. But a few of the dog’s leashes had escaped his hand and now the little buddies were running around him. Fucking great, wasn’t it?
“So, are all these dogs yours?”
Definitely that was not the question he was waiting.
“No, I just take care of them”
“I see, I was starting to think what place you should live at, if you have that many dogs…”
Was he for real? He wanted to talk about the dogs? Aiba couldn’t help it and started to giggle softly, somehow the situation had become less awkward and funnier. He didn’t even moved when Sho got close and kept asking
“So, do you like dogs?”
“I do. Animals are not like people… I can trust them”
The words slipped his lips and sounded bitter than what he intended to, but well it was true after all. He saw the other’s features softening.
“Even if you won’t believe me… you can trust me.”
Those words took Aiba by surprise again, to be honest, that had been the general effect this guy had had on him since the beginning. In other circumstances he would have gave him a sharp reply, but strangely, this time he didn’t know what to say, something on the way he had said it moved something inside him.
Neither of them said anything for a while, but it was Sho who finally spoke again.
“Aiba-san, why do you do that to yourself?”
That was the question he hated the most, because no matter how he could try to explain it, nobody would understand, and either would pity him or think he was insane. He looked away, trying to escape those brown eyes that looked at him expectantly.
Disclaimer: Only the story belongs to me
Genre: angst, drama, AU
Rating: PG-13 [Warning: topics that could be triggering]
Summary: Aiba's POV of Mr. Nothing. He never questioned him what was he doing with his life anymore. He had lost himself a long ago. Misused, misunderstood. He didn’t know what he had done with himself nor wanted to know. Fuck, being fucked, boys, girls… it didn’t matter to him. This was his life; this had been his life for a long time. A life directed to self-destruction since the moment he lost himself. Self-injury, alcohol, sex with strangers, self-hate… he didn’t care anymore, he was empty, he was Mr. Nothing
****
Aiba left the place as fast as he could, he was scared, he couldn't breathe, the previous situation was too much to take. Why the other would treat him like that? Aiba couldn't understand it. He was scared, scared that the other had seen them, he was scared of the other deciding to react like the rest would. He arrived home in a blur, he didn't even remembered having walked there. As soon as he opened the door he rushed to the toilet and grabbed his razor, but as he was going to cut he just couldn't do it, the feeling was suffocating, but he couldn't and he didn't know what else he could do in that situation, this had been his way for too long, he knew no other thing but getting deeper in his hole to forget.
Somehow, he managed to calm himself enough to get ready to go to work, after all, the old couple for the shop had kinda helped him in the past, and he didn't want to fail them. Luckily enough, there were no clients in the whole day, he wouldn't have been able to face them, his mind still going too fast for his own good. He couldn't understand what was on his mind, or what may be inside of the other's mind.
After work, he went to the first bar he found open with a clear idea, to get drunk and get all those thoughts and feelings outside of his mind, but it was impossible. Why couldn't he just forget the other face and soft tone as he was asking him. Why now somebody had decided to care? As he left the place, he was already drunk enough to not being able to walk straight, but an idea crossed his mind. Every moment in his life has been carved into his skin. His cuts, his tattoos, those were the story of his life, but this time, he wasn't able to make a scar, to make a memory of it on his body, so he went directly to the same tattoo shop he had always visited.
He hated the disgust look he'd get after discovering his body, but at least, the security of knowing it wasn't the first time showing them to that person would ease him enough to do it.
He didn't know exactly why he had chosen this one, he'd blame Sho's words lingering inside his mind together with the alcohol after that moment, but at that time he didn't thought so much, his mind offering him something to grab, a little hope, a tiny moment of security.
"Keep breathing..."
The sting of the needle against his skin was enough to calm his mind down, he laughed thinking how sick it was, that the only way he could find some relieve was through pain. The tattoo session went in a heartbeat and as soon as he was out of the shop he headed home only to change his clothes and then went to the usual bar. But as he walked a few steps inside, Sho's image came to his mind, part of him wanted to meet him again but there was the other part that was afraid of the other's reaction after what he had seen that night, he didn't need anyone to judge him and less anyone to pit him or to deal with disgusted stares. He stayed there for a minute scanning the place and then he saw him, it didn't take long for him to decide what side he should listen so he turned around and walked away.
After that, it became like a little routine, to scan the place to check if that guy wasn’t around but a couple days later he got tired of that and decided to change his party place, such a pity considering the other bar had been perfect for him to get what he needed. He didn't want to have anyone questioning why he did the things he do, but above all, he didn't want to open up to anyone else again, he had done it in the past and the consequences were never good, so why to put himself through that again. There was something about that guy that made him not able to do his usual stuff if he was around and he couldn’t deal with that.
He kept avoiding him, no matter when he’d gone, he’d leave as soon as he spotted him, not really knowing if the other had seen him or not. He needed to get out of his head, and the other would stop him from that, not because he’d do anything, but because he was there, because he probably knew more than anybody else.
Somehow, it scared him the fact the other could tell anything about what he had seen, but as the days passed and he kept as always, he realized it was not like that.
Somehow, it was becoming a problem, that no matter where he’d gone he’d seen him, and he was asking himself if there was any kind of universal force decided to keep messing with him. He couldn’t face him, he had tried to stay at the same place and act normal, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, and it was draining him. His mind was becoming more troubled with each passing day. He couldn’t face the other, but, continuously avoiding him, had Aiba exhausted, always alert to run away at any minute before he could be noticed. Even during the day, he had started to become a shadow… or well, more than before at least.
That day, he was taking some dogs for his walk, and even the dogs were acting differently around him, as if noticing what was going on. He let himself fall on the grass, he had no more energy to keep walking struggling with all the dogs that wanted to go to every possible different direction. But still, it was not their fault. Then, as if coming from nowhere a voice startled him, the voice from the person he was avoiding.
“I was starting to think you were dead… but guess probably you were avoiding me”
Aiba found himself with no place to escape, he wanted to disappear, to fade away, but he couldn’t, so he just nodded, waiting the other to finally leave.
“So, what have been of your life?”
And it was again, why was he asking? Why did he have to mess like that with him, like if he cared!
“Why do you wanna know?”
“Just curiosity”
“Well, if this satisfies your curiosity, yes, I was avoiding you”
He tried to say it hard enough for the other to get it and leave.
“Why is that? Because I know yo---“
Aiba was scared of what could come after that, he had to leave, he couldn’t face that, it was way over him.
“Because I can’t do what I always do when you’re around. And now sorry, but I have to return the dogs”
He stood up and started to walk away, and, as if the dogs could read his mind, they followed him without any resistance, he tried to speed up his pace, he needed to get away from that guy as fast as he could.
When he arrived to the shop and the owner took care of the dogs, he was able to go home. Part of him was panicking and part of him wanted to laugh at himself, why suddenly he was so scared, why suddenly he felt someone could care. He certainly didn’t have the answers to that, but there was something on that Sakurai guy that had pulled him out of his comfortable hole and that was probably the thing that scared him the most.
As soon as he arrived home, he went straight to bed, all he needed was to numb himself somehow and sleeping always did the trick when he wasn’t up for anything stronger, or at least it did the few nights he was lucky enough to not wake up tormented by the nightmares that had hunted him for years. He grabbed the bottle of tequila of the bedside table and shoved down a couple of sleeping pills that usually helped him to have something close to a good night.
The next morning as he was getting ready to leave for work, a thought crossed his mind, should he avoid the park today? After all, that guy had seen him there by mere chance or whatever reason. He even considered skipping work, but he couldn’t leave the old couple alone, especially the days they took care of all the dogs. And if he saw the other guy there again he would try to put an end to this whole mess.
As usual, when he arrived, the dogs were ready for his usual walk, and after walking back and forth for a couple minutes he headed back to the park, it didn’t take long till he saw Sho lying on the grass messing with his hair.
“What are you doing here?”
He asked trying to sound as cold as he could.
“Waiting for you.”
The reply took him a little off guard, and he debated for a minute if he should stay or run away. But a few of the dog’s leashes had escaped his hand and now the little buddies were running around him. Fucking great, wasn’t it?
“So, are all these dogs yours?”
Definitely that was not the question he was waiting.
“No, I just take care of them”
“I see, I was starting to think what place you should live at, if you have that many dogs…”
Was he for real? He wanted to talk about the dogs? Aiba couldn’t help it and started to giggle softly, somehow the situation had become less awkward and funnier. He didn’t even moved when Sho got close and kept asking
“So, do you like dogs?”
“I do. Animals are not like people… I can trust them”
The words slipped his lips and sounded bitter than what he intended to, but well it was true after all. He saw the other’s features softening.
“Even if you won’t believe me… you can trust me.”
Those words took Aiba by surprise again, to be honest, that had been the general effect this guy had had on him since the beginning. In other circumstances he would have gave him a sharp reply, but strangely, this time he didn’t know what to say, something on the way he had said it moved something inside him.
Neither of them said anything for a while, but it was Sho who finally spoke again.
“Aiba-san, why do you do that to yourself?”
That was the question he hated the most, because no matter how he could try to explain it, nobody would understand, and either would pity him or think he was insane. He looked away, trying to escape those brown eyes that looked at him expectantly.