Dedicated
Read this story to understand partically why I worry despite my trusting. It's not you. It's fear. It'll always be there. -.-;
"You look so beautiful"
"Thanks"
"You look cold. Do you want my jacket?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Can I hold you hand?"
"Sure"
*Give it a minute*
"I really want to kiss you."
"So kiss me..." *Hesitation* "I thought you wanted to kiss me."
"I do want to..."
"It's just...?"
"It's just you don't seem too happy about the idea."
"I'm not sad, if that's what you're implying."
"No, you're not sad either... You're..."
"Indifferent?" *Nods* "I know"
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"How can you just not care if someone wants to kiss you?"
"I care."
"Then show emotion"
He kissed me one time. Once always multiplies. I'll never be the same.
He molested me on that cold couch at grandmother's, while college football was on the television.
He used me that night on the worn seats of his car. He pushed me. I caved.
He touched me like I wasn't his daughter.
He broke me in half just so he could finish up. He didn't see the tears because I never let him.
"I want to show emotion, but then things won't be the same."
"How do you know?"
"They never are."
"Please just try."
"Please don't push me."
"I won't. I just want to know who you are."
"I don't even know who I am."
"Would you please let me try?"
"I am trying."
*Give it a minute*
"Do you want me to kiss you?"
"I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"You weren't what I dreamed."
"Well fuck. I'm sorry I'm not prince charming & I can't be Mr. Perfect--"
"My dream was never perfect."
"Then what did you dream."
"What others see as nightmares."
"I don't understand you."
"That makes two of us."
"What do you want from me?"
"That's not really the question. The question is what do you want from me? Or better yet, what can you do for me, so that I'll do for you?"
"That's not it. How could you say that? I would never--"
"None of them ever could..."
"So I take it you've met your share of assholes?"
"I've met a few."
"I'm not them!"
"I know you're not..."
"So then why do you keep shutting me out?"
"Because you could be one of them."
"I don't understand. I would never do that to you."
"I know... which is why I'm so afraid."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"To me it does."
"That's not good enough for me."
"Nothing ever is. Nothing will ever be."
"Can't you just explain it in a way I'll understand?"
"You don't want to understand."
& The words just keep on echoing: 'When hormones kick in over common sense I don't know if I'll be able to control myself.'
"Yes I do. Why are you being so difficult?"
"Why must you always have it the easy way out? Can't you see that's the road I'm prepping for? Now please just give me time to ease my mind."
"Why? What's so unsettled?"
"Nothing" Or so she says.
*Give it a minute*
"You're lying to me."
"If you knew I was a bitch, you would treat me like a bitch. If you saw I was a sweetheart, & I turned all psycho bitch on you, would you be shocked?"
"What does this have to do with anything?"
"Would you be surprised?"
"Wh-"
"Would you be surprised?"
*sigh* "Yeah, I guess."
"If I know you are an asshole, there's no letting my guard down. If I know you will hurt me, I can stay ahead of the game because I know it will never last..."
"But I'm not an asshole."
"That's the problem."
"You mean to tell me that because I'm not an asshole, you can't just let yourself be mine?"
"If that makes any sense, which I'm sure to you it doesn't."
"No... It doesn't."
"I don't know your capabilities, because you probably don't know them either."
"What?"
"If you knew you were an asshole, everyone would know. If you were the sweetest person ever, you don't know what you could become."
"So you're saying... I have potential?"
"Yes."
"So you would rather be with someone who's every move you can predict because they're unapritiative & self-centered."
"It's not really a matter of want."
"Yes it is. You could do yourself some good, damnit!" *She turns away* "God, why is this so hard for you."
"You'll never understand."
"Why not?"
"Because you don't want to..."
She smiles from her eyes, but she's so empty inside. I don't understand her either. She's been so lonely. So alone. & now she has a chance to be happy & she would turn her back?
Because it isn't something she can control. When she's not in control she's spinning against the wall, breaking.
What she wants is something she can control without controling.
People say that's why she has an ED. They say it's for control.
People say that's why she cut or beat herself. They said it's for control.
It doesn't make much sense.
What the fuck is wrong with her?
She's been used. She's no good to us now.
But no one else gets her. & No one wants to listen.
She wants to cry.
She's gonna go cry...
Please excuse me...
Don't worry, I'll put a happy one. I just came across that one so that maybe you understand when i say I'm afriad sometimes. It's not always you.
For everyone else. Lyrics.
"Can't Repeat" - Offspring
I woke the other day
And saw my world has changed
The past is over but tomorrow‘s wishful thinking
I can‘t hold onto what‘s been done
I can‘t grab onto what‘s to come
And I‘m just wishing I could stop, but
Life goes on
Come of age
Can‘t hold on
Turn the page
Time rolls on
Wipe these eyes
Yesterday laughs
Tomorrow cries
Memories are bittersweet
The good times we can‘t repeat
Those days are gone and we can never get them back
Now we must move ahead
Despite our fear and dread
We‘re all just wishing we could stop, but
Life goes on
Come of age
Can‘t hold on
Turn the page
Time rolls on
Wipe your eyes
Yesterday laughs
Tomorrow cries
With all our joys and fears
Wrapped in forgotten years
The past is laughing as today just slips away
Time tears down what we‘ve made
And sets another stage
And I‘m just wishing we could stop
Life goes on
Come of age
Can‘t hold on
Turn the page
Time rolls on
Wipe these eyes
Yesterday laughs
Tomorrow cries
"You look so beautiful"
"Thanks"
"You look cold. Do you want my jacket?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Can I hold you hand?"
"Sure"
*Give it a minute*
"I really want to kiss you."
"So kiss me..." *Hesitation* "I thought you wanted to kiss me."
"I do want to..."
"It's just...?"
"It's just you don't seem too happy about the idea."
"I'm not sad, if that's what you're implying."
"No, you're not sad either... You're..."
"Indifferent?" *Nods* "I know"
"Why?"
"Why not?"
"How can you just not care if someone wants to kiss you?"
"I care."
"Then show emotion"
He kissed me one time. Once always multiplies. I'll never be the same.
He molested me on that cold couch at grandmother's, while college football was on the television.
He used me that night on the worn seats of his car. He pushed me. I caved.
He touched me like I wasn't his daughter.
He broke me in half just so he could finish up. He didn't see the tears because I never let him.
"I want to show emotion, but then things won't be the same."
"How do you know?"
"They never are."
"Please just try."
"Please don't push me."
"I won't. I just want to know who you are."
"I don't even know who I am."
"Would you please let me try?"
"I am trying."
*Give it a minute*
"Do you want me to kiss you?"
"I don't know."
"How can you not know?"
"You weren't what I dreamed."
"Well fuck. I'm sorry I'm not prince charming & I can't be Mr. Perfect--"
"My dream was never perfect."
"Then what did you dream."
"What others see as nightmares."
"I don't understand you."
"That makes two of us."
"What do you want from me?"
"That's not really the question. The question is what do you want from me? Or better yet, what can you do for me, so that I'll do for you?"
"That's not it. How could you say that? I would never--"
"None of them ever could..."
"So I take it you've met your share of assholes?"
"I've met a few."
"I'm not them!"
"I know you're not..."
"So then why do you keep shutting me out?"
"Because you could be one of them."
"I don't understand. I would never do that to you."
"I know... which is why I'm so afraid."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"To me it does."
"That's not good enough for me."
"Nothing ever is. Nothing will ever be."
"Can't you just explain it in a way I'll understand?"
"You don't want to understand."
& The words just keep on echoing: 'When hormones kick in over common sense I don't know if I'll be able to control myself.'
"Yes I do. Why are you being so difficult?"
"Why must you always have it the easy way out? Can't you see that's the road I'm prepping for? Now please just give me time to ease my mind."
"Why? What's so unsettled?"
"Nothing" Or so she says.
*Give it a minute*
"You're lying to me."
"If you knew I was a bitch, you would treat me like a bitch. If you saw I was a sweetheart, & I turned all psycho bitch on you, would you be shocked?"
"What does this have to do with anything?"
"Would you be surprised?"
"Wh-"
"Would you be surprised?"
*sigh* "Yeah, I guess."
"If I know you are an asshole, there's no letting my guard down. If I know you will hurt me, I can stay ahead of the game because I know it will never last..."
"But I'm not an asshole."
"That's the problem."
"You mean to tell me that because I'm not an asshole, you can't just let yourself be mine?"
"If that makes any sense, which I'm sure to you it doesn't."
"No... It doesn't."
"I don't know your capabilities, because you probably don't know them either."
"What?"
"If you knew you were an asshole, everyone would know. If you were the sweetest person ever, you don't know what you could become."
"So you're saying... I have potential?"
"Yes."
"So you would rather be with someone who's every move you can predict because they're unapritiative & self-centered."
"It's not really a matter of want."
"Yes it is. You could do yourself some good, damnit!" *She turns away* "God, why is this so hard for you."
"You'll never understand."
"Why not?"
"Because you don't want to..."
She smiles from her eyes, but she's so empty inside. I don't understand her either. She's been so lonely. So alone. & now she has a chance to be happy & she would turn her back?
Because it isn't something she can control. When she's not in control she's spinning against the wall, breaking.
What she wants is something she can control without controling.
People say that's why she has an ED. They say it's for control.
People say that's why she cut or beat herself. They said it's for control.
It doesn't make much sense.
What the fuck is wrong with her?
She's been used. She's no good to us now.
But no one else gets her. & No one wants to listen.
She wants to cry.
She's gonna go cry...
Please excuse me...
Don't worry, I'll put a happy one. I just came across that one so that maybe you understand when i say I'm afriad sometimes. It's not always you.
For everyone else. Lyrics.
"Can't Repeat" - Offspring
I woke the other day
And saw my world has changed
The past is over but tomorrow‘s wishful thinking
I can‘t hold onto what‘s been done
I can‘t grab onto what‘s to come
And I‘m just wishing I could stop, but
Life goes on
Come of age
Can‘t hold on
Turn the page
Time rolls on
Wipe these eyes
Yesterday laughs
Tomorrow cries
Memories are bittersweet
The good times we can‘t repeat
Those days are gone and we can never get them back
Now we must move ahead
Despite our fear and dread
We‘re all just wishing we could stop, but
Life goes on
Come of age
Can‘t hold on
Turn the page
Time rolls on
Wipe your eyes
Yesterday laughs
Tomorrow cries
With all our joys and fears
Wrapped in forgotten years
The past is laughing as today just slips away
Time tears down what we‘ve made
And sets another stage
And I‘m just wishing we could stop
Life goes on
Come of age
Can‘t hold on
Turn the page
Time rolls on
Wipe these eyes
Yesterday laughs
Tomorrow cries