Here They Be Giants [2/2]
Title: Here They Be Giants [Part 2]
Author: verocity
Fandom: 2PM
Featuring: Nichkhun-centric, Chansung, Jaebum, Taecyeon, Junho, Junsu, Wooyoung (Jinwoon cameo)
Pairings: Taec/Jay on the side
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Cursing, mild sexual scene
Genre: Gen
Word Count: 17,199.
[- part 1 -]
Really, Nichkhun should have expected it.
There had been clues. Like how Jay suddenly changed from grouchy and perpetually annoyed to somewhat patient bordering on cheerful in the right weather and didn't denounce The Gay every time he opened his mouth. Nichkhun guessed it must have been a very prolonged culture shock at first, and that something must have been resisting inside Jay's mind all this time, but he'd finally learned to accept that he was stuck in Korea for the foreseeable future. Or maybe it was Jokwon.
Then there was the surreal moment when Nichkhun realized that Taec was taking baths. Not just letting water run over him and absent-mindedly soaping up, but actually bathing. And even daily. Nichkhun first found it strange. Then he found it suspicious. Then maybe he was just a tiny bit jealous because Taec could be nearing his debut without telling anyone and he wanted a head start at polishing his image. But since it was a marked improvement in Taec's hygiene Nichkhun didn't draw attention to it more than the customary, "I don't even know you anymore." And Taec always responded with, "Khun, you'll always be in my heart." They were corny, Nichkhun wouldn't deny it, but that was... just simply Taec.
And there were times when both his friends looked distinctly ruffled, flushed, or downright exhausted but somehow still perky. Nichkhun just wrote it off as their style of coping with the stress of so many training sessions and not enough rest, and the tension of omnipresent competition could get to anyone. After all, Jay was one of the most talented trainees around, and nobody could deny that Taec's bottomless well of charisma coupled with his vibrant voice practically meant he was a sure shot for debuting as an MC at least.
Still. It was a shock to see his best friends practically naked and groping each other in the dorm bathroom when they apparently thought everyone else was asleep.
Nichkhun was just thankful they were still wearing boxers.
"Shit," Jay said eloquently as he jerked his hand out of Taec's underwear.
"We can explain?" Taec offered, though there really wasn't much to explain about having one hand down someone else's shorts. It was the kind of thing that explained itself.
"Why are you still groping me?!"
It was just beyond Nichkhun's willpower to tear his eyes away, even though he knew he'd need copious amounts of alcohol and bleach to ever feel clean again. It was like a car crash. It was fixating. "I'm not judging you guys," Nichkhun said to Jay's crotch where Taec's hand was still feeling right at home. "I just need. Something. Time or- or- space. Timespace. Or something. I'll see you guys at training later." Quantum physics had to be rewritten just to define the time he needed.
"What? Where are you going? It's midnight!" Taecyeon almost shrieked, but Jay's hand covered his mouth before he reached decibels that could wake their sleeping dorm mates and Nichkhun gagged at the unsanitariness of it all.
"Training!" he repeated. He grabbed a pair of sweats and was on his way out of the dorm before the other two recovered from the whiplash.
It was as dramatic an exit as he could hope to make given the circumstances. But now that the melodrama was dying down and his mind was finally showing scenes other than excerpts from a bad porn movie, he decided to confront his current reality. He wasn't wearing much, he didn't have his wallet, he didn't have his phone... well damn it.
Maybe he could go back for-
--Jay dry-humping Taecyeon against the wall, hands traveling down the sculpted body of an Adonis and dipping under the lime green boxers of a fashion disaster--
Nichkhun mastered the urge to claw his eyes out and decided that he'd just have to do this alone. Face the world sans phone, wallet, and reasonable clothing.
Taec and Jay. Jay and Taec. He smothered the curiosity of what their couple name would be with insistent chants that he was not a fangirl.
But the more the thought about it...
It made sense. In a twisted kind of way. But it made sense.
It probably started with Jaebum, the persistent attachment of his ego with masculinity and dominance, and, oddly enough, Jokwon. It wasn't anything as obvious as Jokwon's personality rubbing off on Jaebum; despite Jay's insistence on not catching the Gay Virus (or, when he was feeling particularly sophisticated, the Gay Contagion), he knew homosexuality wasn't communicable or else he wouldn't have befriended Kwon at all.
Back in Seattle, Jay was the leader of the pack: the king, the alpha male, the front man of the gang. He held the title for years. But one day he was relocated to an unfamiliar country and left alone to fend for himself with nothing to his name but his talent, his hang-ups, and the unwelcoming arms of his fellow trainees.
Habits hardly die off for something so trivial. He couldn't recreate his old gang here so he turned to another direction to satiate his need for dominance, and a perfect fit arrived: Kwon was loud enough for three people, he was smart, he was talented, he was an established name among the trainees, and he wasn't particularly macho. All meaning he wasn't a threat to Jay's view of who was socially superior. Jay was building a small comfort zone of familiarity and Kwon was the first step. But language was still a barrier.
Then came Taec. Taecyeon, who was also loud and smart and charming and, most importantly for Jay, behaviorally American. Which made him relatable. Familiar. Friendly.
So they became friends and things were satisfactory: Jay had someone to dominate, and he had someone else to be American with. It was a nice balance. The arrangement lasted for a while and Jay genuinely formed friendships with the two people who were keeping him sane, regardless of what his subconscious may have been up to. Except that... Taec was submissive in his own way, which was good, but he was also overtly masculine, which was bad.
It was a delicate state of affairs. It wasn't meant to last.
Because Nichkhun entered Jay's life and he unknowingly demolished the balance that had been holding the old Jay together. Jay now had two friends to be American with, which made him invest more time and emotion in that aspect of his life and less with Jokwon, although his friendship with the latter persisted. But that also meant Jay had a crew in Nichkhun and Taec. And Jay had to be the dominant one.
Nichkhun knew, with a faint blow to his pride, that Jay never saw him as a threat: his features were too feminine, his posture too polished, and his actual talent too classical. Nichkhun wasn't a problem.
Taec was.
So Jay had to have power over Taec. Taecyeon, who was a native Korean. Taecyeon, who was taller than Jay, more handsome than Jay, more accepted than Jay, more charming than Jay. They were already friends, and Jay wouldn't have felt right in resolving things in a testosterone-laden clash of violent male pride, save for a few bro-punches now and then.
So, in a moment that would have made Freud proud, he turned to sex. If he could dominate Taecyeon in that aspect of their lives, Jay's ego would be appeased because he would have asserted himself in what according to Jay's worldview was the center, the focal point of masculinity.
And Taecyeon let him. Because he valued relationships. Because he valued Jay and everything they'd been through together. He valued their threesome, their partnership in crime, their butchering of Taec's mother tongue, the world they built out of comfort and familiarity. Taec let him because he thought he was strong, because he was open-minded, because there were things more important than sex and dominion.
But the thing is... Taec had always thought himself stronger than he really was. Had always been just a bit too open-minded, just a bit too susceptible to persuasion. Put just a bit too much value on emotions and relationships. And Jay, thanks to the conflict between friendship and habits, was in a vulnerable position to not respond in kind even though it was confusing him even more.
And there the problem lay.
Nichkhun cursed himself for seeing these things too late.
He knew he shouldn't let things stew by himself. Bad decisions were born that way. He needed perspective. He needed someone to help him make sense of things.
Which made it very fortunate that JYPE owned practically the entire condominium anyway, and if he wanted company he just needed to knock on the right door.
"He's sleeping right now," Jinwoon the giant bunny said with a smile way too bright for this time of night, but there was a hint of appraising guardedness in the slant of his eyes.
"Oh," Nichkhun said, deflating.
"Should I wake him up, your highness?"
Nichkhun felt his lips twitch to a frown, but he tried to turn the grimace to a smile without registering the effort. Years of practice had made it easy. "No, no, don't bother. Let him sleep. And please don't call me that. I'm not actually royalty."
"You look very tense," Jinwoon offered. "I'm sure Chansung wouldn't mind."
Nichkhun wanted to say no once more, wanted to insist that Chansung needed his sleep more than Nichkhun needed someone to absorb the shock of a crazy midnight. That coming here was a bad idea anyway because burdening Chansung with his rants about his two best friends hooking up without telling him about it was not a very smart move, especially since Chansung idolized Jay, and open-minded or not Chansung was still Korean to the bone, meaning Nichkhun had no accurate gauge of how accepting he was of same sex-- well, sex.
But he remembered the mess he'd made of his relationship with Chansung and he realized that Jinwoon was giving him an opportunity to make things right. Nichkhun and Chansung weren't friends yet, not in the real sense of the word. But Chansung wanted to be friends and friends shared their needs even if sometimes it was inconvenient. Nichkhun shouldn't be his prince. Not anymore.
"If it won't be any trouble," Nichkhun conceded, forcing down his earlier confusion and wrapping his mind around this new one. He felt slightly more mature - or at least slightly less immature - when he succeeded. "Can I wait inside?"
Jinwoon's eyes furtively widened at that and Nichkhun didn't miss the way he moved his body to block even more of the doorway. "Chan... the dorm isn't at its most presentable at the moment. Please wait here?"
Nichkhun nodded and Jinwoon vanished inside the recesses of their apartment.
Knowing Chansung, Nichkhun expected he'd have to wait for half an hour before he'd get to see the sleep zombie version of someone who was already quite slow during the day. He loitered by the door, played with the hem of his night clothes, and studiously avoided thinking about Things Not to be Thought Of.
It was a surprise when, just about five minutes later, the door opened again and a tousled and bleary eyed Chansung (with his hair staging a very violent protest) emerged carrying two steaming mugs of warm water.
"I wanted to make coffee," Chansung said gruffly as he sat on the floor beside Nichkhun. "But I'm out of stock and Jinwoon's only got his expensive stuff left and our friendship has boundaries, and none of the hyungs are awake so I couldn't ask them to loan me some of theirs. Sorry, Khun-hyung."
"Don't worry, this is fine," Nichkhun reassured him as he blew on his cup. "Thank you for the refreshment." He watched in amusement when Chansung's shoulders heaved as he repressed a yawn, and he found it endearing despite his earlier mood. "Why is Jinwoon still awake?"
"Composing," Chansung answered with a shrug as he sipped his water.
"Oh. Wow," Nichkhun said, genuinely impressed.
Half of Chansung's mouth twitched to a smirk while the other half was still trying to process the idea confusion of not being asleep. "Every night. When he's not studying for school. Try living with him and let's see if you're still amazed."
"About yesterday-" Nichkhun started.
"I'm sorry for punching Junho," Chansung interrupted. "It wasn't any of my business and he really didn't hurt you that badly and Junho's a great guy. I saw everything anyway and he didn't mean to hit you. But. I'm sorry. For acting so... embarrassingly. I shouldn't have done that."
Nichkhun could have told Chansung that it was nothing, that he and Junho had sorted it out. He could have said there was nothing to apologize for, though for sure Junho thought otherwise. He could have said something along the lines of Just don't let it happen again, or You have a good friend in Jinwoon. But he didn't. Even if he meant them to be consoling, any of those would have invalidated something Chansung held dear.
Nichkhun tugged Chansung closer for a one-armed hug and let his silence do the talking.
"This isn't very princely of you," Chansung chided him. "You're not supposed to touch anyone. It ruins the mystique."
"I'm not a prince here," Nichkhun reminded him. "And being a prince is overrated."
"I wouldn't know."
"That's why I'm telling you. Being a hyung is so much better."
Chansung hummed, not committing to the discussion. He sipped his water and Khun was surprised at how self-assured Chansung looked despite rumpled pajamas, heavy-lidded eyes and hair that was less 'windswept' and more 'hurricane landfall imminent, evacuate now'.
"I'm serious!" Nichkhun chided. "I learned from a very smart person."
"Taecyeon-hyung?" but his tone made it obvious that he knew better.
"Someone even smarter. He taught me a lot of things today. Things I really needed to know but never got around to learning."
"Yeah, that sounds just about right for Junho," Chansung said as he rested his chin on Nichkhun's shoulder. And just like that their relationship gained new ground. "Tell me more about what he said?"
So Nichkhun told him. He started with Junho and how he made Nichkhun realize that he was resisting a proper integration into a Korean way of life. Then his stories skipped to an earlier life spent almost entirely in airplanes as he traveled routinely between the U.S., Thailand, and New Zealand, and maybe that's why he's so confused about what he really is. He told Chansung about the curse of Thai royalty made clear by Chulalongkorn decades earlier: princes had a duty to serve Thailand, but that did not equate to a right to high office. Try as he might to become Korean, Nichkhun's life belonged to Thailand as a matter of honor; his presence here was an unspoken mission to ultimately bring greatness to his country.
And Chansung listened, because that was apparently what Chansung did best. He listened to people. Nichkhun would learn later on that Chansung wouldn't necessarily do what people told him to do, but he would listen to them in case they said anything worth hearing. He wouldn't always remember but the memory would be there, buried in lost thoughts and half-forgotten dreams, like an island in the mind to surface only when everything was calm.
Maybe it was a stroke of fortune that Nichkhun forgot his phone. It forced them to measure time in words instead of minutes, in thoughts and shared memories instead of numbers flashed on a screen.
Sometime between Nichkhun's first piano lessons and his experiences with puberty, Jinwoon checked on them with a fragrant mug of coffee in each of his massive hands.
It wasn't the sunrise, but it was as good a symbol as any for daybreak.
~*~
"You seem... distracted," Junho said with his hands frozen over the keyboard. He removed his foot from the pedal and the echoes of the last chord they were vocalizing with were abruptly cut off.
"Hmm?" Nichkhun answered, more or less affirming Junho's observation. "Sorry, I'll... do better. Could we try that key again?"
"We could," Junho said doubtfully, "or you could tell me what's bothering you. You're usually not like this, Nichkhun-sshi. You're always focused and reliable and aware of what you're doing. So why aren't you now? It's only the morning recess. We still have a long day ahead of us."
Bothered and sleepless as he was, Nichkhun was paying enough attention to be amazed at how different Junho had become compared to when he first volunteered to teach. Nichkhun never realized that the cool, detached persona Junho used to project was simply a cover for his feelings of insecurity and awkwardness, particularly around those who got a lot of attention. Junho was passionate. Hardworking. He'd been fooled at an early age into believing that talent and competence would be the keys to his success, but he lost faith when he realized how misguided his beliefs were now that he faced the challenges of the real world. He came to realize that success ultimately lay in his dealings with other people.
And now that Junho had chosen him to hedge his bets with people, Nichkhun was determined to not let him down. To help Junho rebuild his faith.
"It's..." Nichkhun trailed off. He didn't know what to say. The clarity that possessed him last night and allowed him to rebuild his relationship with Chansung had been replaced by an inner turmoil inspired by the reason why he sought Chansung out in the first place. The sleeplessness brought his guard down and stirred up the shallowly buried confusion he felt about Jay and Taec. And now, here he was with the need to talk it all out and make sense of everything, and the only person around - who by all means was technically still a stranger, albeit a comfortably familiar one - was the one who taught him the most about being Korean.
The Korean vitriol for homosexual relationships was widely known. Nichkhun hadn't been fooled by media-wide clamors for skinship and fanservice, and he knew that there was no way Taec and Jay would receive support from anyone else apart from Nichkhun. And doubtlessly they must have been unsure of Nichkhun as well, or else they'd have said something earlier. Nichkhun didn't blame them. At least, not now when he was calmer and the memory of what he saw in the bathroom had been dulled by temporary clarity via insomnia.
Still, he hadn't talked to either Jay or Taec since last night. They saw each other earlier in the hallway, but hard as Nichkhun tried to go to his friends and say hello, the sheer awkwardness of the situation made him avert his eyes and duck into unused training rooms. They didn't follow him in, probably thanks to Taec's underappreciated empathy.
"... personal?" Junho finished for him with an inquisitive look, but something in the crescent of his eyes looked mildly put down.
"In a sense. And complicated," Nichkhun answered. "I didn't get much sleep last night. Or this morning. I didn't get to sleep."
"At this rate, you'll sing like sh- very awfully later in class. Coach Dongwook will be very displeased. I think it might be best to just hop on a plane now than endure his wrath." The tone of voice was dead serious, but Nichkhun checked Junho's eyes just to be sure. And there it was: that tiny sparkle of humor in the slant.
Nichkhun half-pouted at him, though the rest of his expression matched Junho's sincerity. "Unless they've invented a plane that can travel to the moon, I don't think I'll ever be safe from Coach Dongwook."
"At least in space no one can hear you sing," Junho teased.
"Yes, that would be good for the rest of the world, wouldn't it?" Nichkhun said with a mocking sigh.
"Nice to know that I'm doing the world a favor. Just listen to us."
"Us?" Nichkhun asked, confused.
Junho nodded towards the door, where Nichkhun saw Junsu leaning against the frame. Junsu bowed at both of them before approaching.
"This way, we both get to learn," Junho said with a satisfied grin.
"Does this mean Junho hasn't told you about our deal?" Junsu asked as he sat on a monobloc chair beside the keyboard.
"I'm amending our initial agreement to include a third party," Junho told Nichkhun quickly. "Junsu will teach us how to sing, you teach us English, and I'll teach you both how to dance. That's a good deal no matter how you look at it. Right, Nichkhun-sshi?"
"I just wish you'd told me sooner so I could have practiced more," Nichkhun groused, but he was genuinely impressed. He kept forgetting how Junho was smart, how Junho was good, how Junho was competent. How quickly Junho realized one of his weaknesses and immediately resolved to not let it become a disadvantage.
"Telling you earlier would have alerted someone Junho detests," Junsu said before Junho could shush him. "Like it or not, Nichkhun-sshi, people are watching you. Even that little ass Wooyoung. And Junho, I've thought about it and this is my decision: I'll help you with this but that's all. This is as far as I'll go. Wooyoung's your rival, not mine."
Junho nodded his acceptance of Junsu's words but tsk'ed at the meaning. "Fine. That's fine," he said darkly through clenched teeth. "Wooyoung. I should have known he'd come up with something like that. He's good. But I won't let him be as good as I am."
"Please," Junsu said with a roll of his eyes. "You wouldn't have asked me to join this little operation of yours if he didn't pull some serious shit that took you down a few pegs."
"Hyung!" Junho wheedled, uncharacteristically cute and proving to Nichkhun that Junho was willing to use every advantage in his arsenal, aegyo included.
"Anyway, Nichkhun-sshi, don't worry about that imp. He's cunning and wily and he knows how to divide people, but Junho and I will be too much for him to handle. We've wised up to his ways."
"But why is he like that?" Nichkhun asked. He didn't know Wooyoung very well, but the minimal exposure he had agreed with Junsu's and Junho's assessment. It didn't sit right with him, not when Wooyoung was still primarily an enigma. Although Nichkhun trusted Junho's judgment, he also needed to know things for himself.
Junho thoughtfully pressed an augmented F-sharp and Junsu hummed a short tune in harmony. "Wooyoung is... he's Wooyoung," Junho said. "Just simply, overwhelmingly Wooyoung."
"Just like how you're simply overwhelmingly Junho?" Nichkhun probed.
Junho laughed at the words, but the sound was unsure and hollow of mirth. "The two of us... Wooyoung and I--"
"They're actually lovers in a very complicated affair," Junsu supplied with a conspiratorial wink.
"Hyung!"
"-but Wooyoung insisted that Junho be the girl and Junho's too proud of his ass to let it come to any harm-"
And despite himself, Nichkhun leaned back to check the body part in question. He hadn't noticed before but it was a rather magnificent... specimen.
"I am appalled at you two," Junho said, scandalized, as he inadequately covered the body part in question with his hands.
"But seriously," Nichkhun interrupted, because the conversation too closely paralleled his issue with his best friends and he didn't want to go there. "Why Wooyoung?"
"Wooyoung and I... are very different in a lot of things," Junho said enigmatically. "Talent, dreams, frustrations... We've been compared to each other lots of times and I accept it. But we're also very similar where it matters. Even when it comes to things I'm not proud of."
"I can't see how you two are similar at all," Nichkhun volunteered. "You're Junho and you reached out to me for cooperation. Wooyoung... he's divisive, as Junsu said. And kind of a jerk."
"Then you're looking at the wrong things," Junsu answered. He nudged Junho aside and took his place at the keys. "Now let's show that bitch who's the boss around here. Both of you: open your mouths and split the resonance between your mouth and your nose. Tense your jaw a bit. Remember, we're singing pop music, not classical. We want to sound unique." He played a broken A in the baritone range and Nichkhun and Junho followed.
~*~
Nichkhun found himself watching Wooyoung more intently during modeling training. He paid attention to every shift in Wooyoung's expression, every furrow of his eyebrows, every twitch of his lips, everything he could see. The swagger, the nonchalance, the neutrality in those eyes...
Whatever Junho and Junsu insisted was there, Nichkhun didn't see it.
Taec draped an arm around his shoulders and Nichkhun forced himself not to flinch at the contact. "I'm sorry you had to see me and Jay," Taec whispered a bit too close to Nichkhun's ear than was strictly comfortable, "but it isn't our fault if we accidentally made you gay."
Nichkhun sighed and tore his eyes away from Wooyoung's strut on the makeshift catwalk. "Can we please talk about something else?"
"We'll end up not talking about it at all unless I force you to. Come on, Khun, I need you to be okay with this."
"'I'?" Nichkhun asked without looking at Taec. "So there's no 'we' between you and Jay yet?"
"Are you kidding? As if Jay cares about whether you're okay with it or not."
Despite himself, Nichkhun couldn't stop the pang of hurt from showing up on his face. There was no point in watching Wooyoung, not when Taec was in his determined 'we need to talk' mode.
"Aww, Khun, you know I didn't mean it like that," Taecyeon said, tightening his hug.
Nichkhun leaned in to the familiar affection. After all, this was Taec. Ok Taecyeon. Possibly the biggest goofball he knew. He reminded himself that Taec wasn't a sexual creature. That the thing Nichkhun intruded on wasn't what it looked like. That Taec had always treated him with respect - as a human instead of a sexual object. In the end, that was what mattered. "Yeah. I suppose I should feel flattered that Jay considers me a friend no matter what. But. Taec. Just..."
"Just?"
"Boundaries, okay? And be safe. And be careful." Beyond that, Nichkhun didn't know what else to say. He had an idea of how things worked, but only in a crudely mechanical 'insert rod A into slot B' and 'remember the lube' kind of way. Although who the rod was among them was fairly obvious. The imagery was not helping.
"Hey, we were discreet."
"How is doing it in the dorm bathroom discreet?" And although Nichkhun's words were whispered, the vehemence in his hissing caused a few heads to turn towards them. Nichkhun decided that Wooyoung's pointed ignorance of his outburst meant Wooyoung knew of his surveillance.
"More discreet," Taec amended with a wink. He got to his feet and sauntered over to the catwalk for his turn to strut and Nichkhun tried very hard not to look for a limp in Taec's gait.
~*~
He felt good that Taec forced the issue and that they'd reached some resolution. But there were other things to think about. Like how barely anything ever caught Wooyoung's attention, though Nichkhun knew better: it only took one look, one glance for Wooyoung to notice everything.
Like how Wooyoung met his gaze at the end of training. His expression was as blank as ever.
But Nichkhun understood. It was clear as crystal.
Challenge accepted.
~*~
Eventually, after wasting half an hour of lunch combing the known trainee haunts plus another half hour of studying fire escape diagrams and mentally mapping out this wing of the building, Nichkhun discovered a way to the rooftop via a circuitous route of unmarked doors and unused stairs. The lock on the door atop of the final stairwell had clearly been picked open, though unskillfully if the scratch marks on the paint job were any clue.
Nichkhun found him sitting completely relaxed in the shade, thoroughly unsurprised and not even bothering to look up.
"I knew you're smarter than you look," Wooyoung said in a tone of voice that Nichkhun couldn't place. Was it sarcasm? Was it a dare? Was it patronizing? Was it proud? Or was it just meaningless teasing?
"And you think you're smarter than everyone else," Nichkhun told him back, though he chose to speak calmly.
"Wrong. Minus points for the incorrect assumption, but thank you for playing."
"You were smart enough to know exactly what Junho was up to," Nichkhun continued with more confidence than justified by what he actually knew. "You were smart enough to act against it before Junho could get any momentum. And you were smart enough to do it without actually lying."
Wooyoung gave no indication of having heard him.
"So you obviously think Junho's a threat against you. But I wa-"
"Nichkhun-sshi, not that I'm accepting it, but you give me entirely too much credit. Why are you telling me these things I supposedly already know?"
"So you don't know that much?" Nichkhun taunted, changing tactics when he sensed an opening. He didn't realize until much later that it was a trap, opened with so much simplicity and skill. "Maybe you're not so smart after all."
Wooyoung breathed in deep. Suddenly, even without changing his posture every bit about his demeanor became filled with meaning, telling Nichkhun that his presence was being tolerated only out of what little patience Wooyoung had left. "I never said I was. But if I remember properly, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, Nichkhun-sshi: you don't have an enviable track record for saying the right things. But, as you so fervently pointed out, I do."
Nichkhun's fists were already tensed by the time he realized he was sauntering closer. On some self-observant level he wondered if this was the kind of anger that he'd always been warned about, the kind of anger that can push men blindly and so easily towards regret. But an inner part of him, the one that delighted in Chansung's worship and Junho's capitulation, the part that thought of how had power over Jay and Taec by accepting or rejecting their relationship... that part delighted in this strange feeling, this feeling that filled him with unfamiliar heat. Power driven by the desire to cause so much hurt to this person who belittled his troubles and wounded him with mere words. It was new, it was unfamiliar, and it felt right.
He wondered if Wooyoung realized the danger that approached him now with claw-like fingers reaching for the collar of his shirt.
Wooyoung did. When he finally turned to look at Nichkhun for the first time from his spot on the floor, wholly undisturbed when he regarded Nichkhun with those strangely blank eyes...
Nichkhun knew then that he was horribly outclassed. What he'd mistaken for mere emptiness of expression in those eyes, he saw then for its true nature: burning intelligence paraded so plainly that it absorbed everything and showed nothing; intelligence that calculated which buttons to press and which levers to pull in order to bring out a side of Nichkhun he'd always sought hard to suppress.
His hand froze an inch away from Wooyoung's neck. The anger that fueled him vanished entirely, replaced by the fear that Wooyoung understood every part of him. Even the shameful parts that Nichkhun buried in shallow graves beneath heavy stones, behind locks the keys to which he thought he'd deliberately lost
Things would have been different if Wooyoung sneered at him then. Had Wooyoung relished this triumph, Nichkhun would have felt justified in lashing out just to make him feel better. Had Wooyoung thrown a line about half-baked decisions and crippling emotional imbalance, Nichkhun could have dismissed him in mind and words, could have said you're beneath me, you're not worth it.
But Wooyoung kept looking at him with those plain, blank eyes with the polar opposite of benevolence in his understanding.
Nichkhun backed away quietly. Backed away with his eyes on Wooyoung, keeping watch until he found the door and climbed down the stairs. But no matter how much distance he put between them, no matter the cement and steel that set them apart, Nichkhun still felt those eyes boring deep into his mind.
He skipped gag show training after lunch and spent the entire time calming down.
Wooyoung shouldn't have gotten under his skin that easily. He won't let it happen again.
~*~
He saw it now. How Junho saw himself in Wooyoung, Nichkhun saw it now.
The intelligence. The cunning. The sheer belief in their abilities, no matter how much Junho denied it: if the industry wouldn't recognize them for their dancing or singing, then they'd force the game by changing the rules. They had other talents. Talents that wouldn't show on camera but would get them noticed by the right people in the right light.
But talent begot talent. Competence begot competence. Junho and Wooyoung, and possibly Junsu as well. Junsu must have known what was going on - must even have been a part of it at some point - and decided not to join their rivalry. Junsu was a singer to the core: if he was going to be noticed he wanted it to be because of music, not politics; because of his voice, not the mind games he could win.
Junho's earlier diatribe was an admission that he'd marked Wooyoung as his main competitor, and if the fervor behind the sentiment was any clue, Wooyoung reciprocated. But whatever Wooyoung leveraged against Junho, it must not have been enough. They must have started on similar ground, and they grew with their eyes on each other, waiting for the rival to make a fatal flaw.
And from then on, they fed each other's skills, sharpened each other's talents, helped each other attain a level of competence that neither one would otherwise have been able to achieve. Their rivalry mutated into a twisted symbiosis, or at least mutual parasitism: Junho learned to be watchful and observant of the people around him, but he lacked the subtlety needed to leverage a decisive advantage... but what did Wooyoung learn? To be mysterious? To draw the right conclusions? To throw up a façade that could confuse the hell out of everyone? Nichkhun didn't know; he knew too little of Wooyoung.
But the result was obvious: they had created giants.
Yet... that was where their similarities ended. No matter what their motives were, Nichkhun believed in what he saw with his own eyes: Junho built other people's strengths so they could help each other, while Wooyoung broke them so he wouldn't have any competition.
That was how things were.
Nichkhun wanted to know more, but things were too complicated, too tangled for him to understand. He should have been there from the start.
But Nichkhun wasn't there then, and he was here now. Junho had made his move and Wooyoung his own, and Nichkhun had chosen a side.
~*~
Maybe that was part of growing up.
Maybe learning the difference between empathy and understanding was crucial for finding the right people. Maybe in that sense he was lucky to have met Wooyoung. But only in the same sense the he was lucky to have met Junho and Chansung.
"You should probably sing the melody," Junho said thoughtfully as he pulled his chair closer to Nichkhun while Coach Dongwook taught a group of three the harmonic lines for their study song. "That way you won't have to worry about awkward leaps and you can pick up the dominant pitch from the accompaniment."
"We're being overtly friendly now?" Nichkhun asked, surprised. Part of him knew that this was a political display, a show to let Wooyoung know that his ploy didn't work and he'd have to come up with something better.
"Think of it as psychological warfare," Junho answered nonchalantly. He hummed a few bars from the baritone line and frowned at the minor progression.
"Of course." But another voice in Nichkhun said that maybe friendship can also grow from an alliance, that maybe harboring parallel vested interests was an unromantic way to start a relationship, but if it can work, why not?
Nichkhun looked for Wooyoung's reflection and found it mingled with Jokwon's group.
So even he could adapt to new situations. This battle of wits between Junho and Wooyoung wasn't going to end anytime soon and Nichkhun had voluntarily put himself in the middle. Despite how Wooyoung didn't even seem to notice them, no doubt he was already planning a maneuver.
Maybe Nichkhun was a romantic after all. Maybe he was still hoping to find a way for Junho and Wooyoung to find peace with each other and for this feuding to stop. Because although turning against each other sharpened their skills, it was still possible for them to cut each other down and that would be a tremendous waste of talent. Maybe there was a way for Nichkhun to convince one of them to be the bigger man and offer a truce.
But if Nichkhun was going to be part of this, he needed to know more. He could start with Junho's choice of allies.
He glanced at Junsu's group, which was composed of two other notably talented singers. That group was going to win this demonstration hands down. "Can I speak casually, seonsaengnim?"
"Hmm?" said Junho.
Nichkhun took that as a yes. "Why Junsu?"
Junho looked up from the sheet music to quirk an eyebrow at Nichkhun. "You mean the reason isn't blindingly obvious? Junsu has humongous talent. Vocally, at least."
"It's just that-" Nichkhun averted his gaze by focusing on the melody line. His fingers twitched as he imagined playing it on the piano. "-it's not a big deal. But. I thought you'd given up on just talent. Isn't that why you chose to partner with me?"
Junho's silence lasted longer than Nichkhun was used to, but he let his trainer find the right words. The answer, when it came, spoke tons more about Nichkhun than about Junho.
"Maybe I was wrong," Junho said with a shrug. Nichkhun grinned.
~*~
"We missed you at lunch today," Jay said as he stared blankly at the tray of eggs Taecyeon set before him.
"I was busy," Nichkhun answered, watching Taec cut kimchi with a vague yet easily explainable sense of doom.
"Evidently." Jay took an egg and cautiously tapped it against the table. He frowned at the small crack on the shell. "We wanted to have lunch with you. You know. As friends. Like we always do. Since we're still friends. Aren't we, Khun?"
Nichkhun looked suspiciously at Jay, who was giving the eggs more interest than they deserved, then at Taec, who was adding water to the kimchi pot and singing to himself along the lyrics of "Food, food, food~"
Nichkhun rested his head in his palms and groaned. "Kill me now and spare me from this awkwardness. Can't we please just order out and not die from food poisoning?"
Jay looked like he wanted to agree, but a sharp glance from Taecyeon shut him up. "We love you too much - as a friend - to hurt you in any way, Khun," he said weakly. "And friends cook for each other. Because they're friends. And it totally isn't gay."
Taecyeon nodded at those words even as he tried to look carefully preoccupied with cutting the pork belly for the stew. Okay, enough was enough.
"This ... thing. Between the two of you," Nichkhun said carefully, unsure if he was crossing the line between 'best friend' and 'insistent meddler' but not caring much because the elephant in the room was suffocating him with sheer awkwardness. "What is it?"
"It's a kitchen table," Taec said innocently. He was rightfully ignored.
Jay's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Khun. It's just a thing. Right, Taec?"
"Very eloquently defined," Taec said with an amused sparkle in his eyes. He was practically twinkling. Nichkhun tried very hard not to burst into defeated laughter.
Jay shrugged. "It's a sex thing. That's all it is," he added as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Fucking and sucking whenever we can get away with it." But Khun knew better. Jay's ego, Jay's reliance on masculinity, everything that made him Jay had to make him say those words.
"We haven't tried it all night long yet, but we're working on it." Taec winked. He could express a great many emotions through his face, the most common of which were good-natured tolerance and equine look-a-like, but lewdness was not one of them. It just wasn't him, but credits for trying.
Nickhun was trying not to wince at the thought of Taec's well-being and all night long! when he caught the change in his friends' eyes. Jay just looked satisfied that the talk was over and already Nichkhun could see how he was forming scabs over the awkward memory, whereas the glimmer in Taec's eyes turned into a look of determined bravery.
Nichkhun was right after all. He knew his friend well. Taec was a smart guy, maybe even smarter than he gave himself credit for, but not by much because Taec knew he was smart. And if Nichkhun had been able to force an answer out of Jay about what their relationship was about, then Taec must surely have known it as well. He'd known from the start where all of this was headed.
But Nichkhun also knew that Taec thought he was stronger than he really was. And Jay was strong but there were other things eating away at him from the inside. And they started this wrong and they didn't build the base strong enough to make it last.
What lay down the road was obvious and inevitable. But Jay and Taec had buried themselves in too deep to back out, and Nichkhun was too late to give them a way out without breaking everything else. The best thing, the most human thing he could do was to let it happen and to pick up the pieces after the fall.
The sex was a bad idea, but Jay had plenty of worse ideas before and he wasn't going to stop now. The emotional investment may not survive, but Taecyeon had been and will go through worse. But Nichkhun could save the friendship. He owed them that much.
Many things could start with a pot of jjigae and a roomful of affection.
~*~
It's the weekend and the city glowed warm orange from the sunset. The skyline of Seoul could have been painted in tones of red.
There was a small elementary class from a school a few blocks away enjoying their time outside. Their teacher was handing out balloons and the first children in line were already blowing theirs up.
"This is nice," Nichkhun said softly as he contemplated the scene over his popsicle stick. He wished he had his camera with him.
"Mm-hmm," Chansung hummed around his own ice cream with a second packet held loosely in his hand.
Nichkhun let the moment last. He can't remember when everything turned crazy. Or crazier, at least. Weird as it was, the past few days seemed to have driven everything else out of his life.
But the weekend had come and Taec made him promise to invite his new friends out with them for noraebang, but the way Jay just brushed his teeth silently suggested that it was his idea. Nichkhun figured he should still introduce Chansung formally even though they already knew each other. And while he was at it...
They heard soft footsteps approaching them cautiously. "So this is where you two have been disappearing off to during break," Junho said cheerfully. "You'll need to drink some warm water before we go to class."
Nichkhun crinkled his eyes at Junho. It wasn't the welcome Junho deserved, but the calm silence was comfortable and Nichkhun wasn't ready to leave it just yet. Junho understood - like he always did - and sat on the curb beside Chansung.
"Hey," Junho said, nudging with his elbow when Chansung wouldn't meet his eyes.
Chansung paid entirely too much attention to his ice cream. He bowed and extended the hand bearing his extra sweet.
Junho looked surprised for a moment. Then his eyes formed crescents of affection. "Thanks, Chansungie," he said in a small voice.
Chansung just nodded, but a weight lifted from his shoulders and he quirked the corners of his lips.
"Yeah, we're okay," Junho said over the sound of plastic being torn open.
They let the moment linger for a while.
But time moved on and Nichkhun didn't want to be stuck in the past. He finished his popsicle. "What do you say to a night of singing your throat hoarse?" he asked Junho. "Me, Chansung, and a couple of my other friends are going out. I'd like it if you came along."
"Hmm," Junho hummed thoughtfully.
"But it'll be just for fun," Nichkhun added quickly. "So don't judge my singing. How's that sound?"
"Sounds like a nice change of pace," Junho eventually answered. "Too bad we still have one class to go."
"Or we could skip it?" Chansung volunteered. "I don't feel like rapping today."
It took only a beat for Nichkhun and Junho to reach a decision and both whipped their phones out at the same time. "I'll tell Taec to drag Jay out of the studios. Not that Jay would resist much," Nichkhun muttered as he keyed in a quick message.
"I'll tell Junsu not to worry," Junho said in return. "In case he thinks Wooyoung went overboard after he realizes we're both missing."
Chansung took his time licking his popsicle stick clean before bringing out his own phone. "Is it okay if I ask Jinwoon to come along?"
"We'd love to have him around," Nichkhun said cheerfully.
"Just don't get him drunk," Junho added.
"We're underage," Chansung pointed out.
"As if that will stop you from sneaking in some alcohol. No drunk Jinwoon, that's all I ask," Junho insisted.
"Why?" Nichkhun's curiosity was piqued, mainly because he couldn't imagine Jinwoon even drinking alcohol.
"He gets inappropriately grabby," Junho said, wincing at a memory. "And the bastard's grip is strong."
Nichkhun burst into laughter at the image. "I'll see that and raise you a drunk Taecyeon."
"Precision farting?" Chansung guessed.
"Projectile vomit?" Junho hazarded.
Nichkhun suppressed his laughter lest he double up on the pavement. "Neither. He does number sequences."
"What?" Chansung and Junho asked at the same time.
"Number sequences. Primary numbers, the Fibonacci sequence, the Lucas number string, squares of natural integers, that kind of stuff."
"You're kidding," Chansung said, undecided between being awed or disillusioned.
Junho wasn't similarly handicapped. "That's... kind of cool. In a nerdy kind of way."
Nichkhun let his smirk do the talking. Some things can only be believed after experience. Like the best burger in the world or the overwhelming flavor of samgyupsal properly done.
Like friendships that started from the wrong things but end up feeling so right. Or a love that's doomed to fail but is worth having while it's there. Or learning just a bit more about people and about life, and learning something about yourself along the way.
Or a psychological war being waged between giants.
There would be time for that tomorrow. Tonight, they would have a breath of fresh air.
~*~
Maybe there is such a thing as maturity that crosses cultures. Maybe there is such a thing as being human with anyone, anywhere, anytime. Maybe there are people who turn to history and learn from thousands of years of precedence to find lessons that mustn't be forgotten. Maybe there are people who find things once thought to be forever lost in time.
But for Nichkhun, the growth was more subtle. He didn't get to learn about good people and bad people, although he came very close. That opportunity was overshadowed by learning something more important: some people can appear bad, but only because he was looking at them the wrong way. Maybe one day he would find someone to teach him this ultimate lesson. Who knows? Nichkhun doesn't, and neither do we.
Nichkhun never did find out what the Korean version of omerta was called. All he knew was that he too must follow a code, the right conduct to live by, and that code entailed silence when things became too awkward to deal with. Not because he condoned what was happening, but because words and people can be such fragile things and one can break the other so easily. He learned that, sometimes, strength calls for silence and a time to think of the right way to act. It might take him some time to master the art, but he is sincere and he loves his friends. The effort will be worth it.
But he learned about Taecyeon's courage, and the day will come when he hopes to find that same strength within himself, when he falls in love with someone for whom he never intended. He learned about Jaebum's desire for familiarity, and the day will come when it will give him the words to push Jay in the direction they both believe to be right.
He learned about Junsu's unshakeable belief in his talents, and the day will come when Nichkhun will have to remind Junsu that there is more to him than just what the cameras can catch. He learned about Wooyoung's approach to competition, and the day will come when they'll have to call on that particular talent and Wooyoung will show everyone that he's not proud of what he can do, but he'll do it anyway because of need. Nichkhun learned why Junho is so magnificent, and the day will come when that light will stop shining and it'll be up to Nichkhun to bring it back. He learned about Chansung's easy laugh and solid confidence, and the day will come when Nichkhun will wish that he was younger so he could draw strength from those things he held dear.
But they are stories on their own. Stories to be told another day.
One day, when we are still in love, we will hear the words these stories have to say.
[- It's not goodbye. Not yet. Stay tuned. -]
Author's Notes: Yes, there will be a second part to this story. I just need time to plan it out and to write it down. Now, for a bit of story meta~
This story is the first deliberate collaboration between geniebsmart and me. Once before, she wrote a musical composition in response to my first 2AM fic. Frequent conversations followed, along with discovery of the similarities of our artistic inclinations. She generously agreed to collaborate with me on this creative piece, and both our compositions were born. May this mark the start of a long and fruitful artistic companionship between people from different continents. In this, the internet is a wonderful thing.
We hope you enjoyed the music and the story, and may you have as much fun listening and reading as we did in making them. ♥
Author: verocity
Fandom: 2PM
Featuring: Nichkhun-centric, Chansung, Jaebum, Taecyeon, Junho, Junsu, Wooyoung (Jinwoon cameo)
Pairings: Taec/Jay on the side
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Cursing, mild sexual scene
Genre: Gen
Word Count: 17,199.
[- part 1 -]
Really, Nichkhun should have expected it.
There had been clues. Like how Jay suddenly changed from grouchy and perpetually annoyed to somewhat patient bordering on cheerful in the right weather and didn't denounce The Gay every time he opened his mouth. Nichkhun guessed it must have been a very prolonged culture shock at first, and that something must have been resisting inside Jay's mind all this time, but he'd finally learned to accept that he was stuck in Korea for the foreseeable future. Or maybe it was Jokwon.
Then there was the surreal moment when Nichkhun realized that Taec was taking baths. Not just letting water run over him and absent-mindedly soaping up, but actually bathing. And even daily. Nichkhun first found it strange. Then he found it suspicious. Then maybe he was just a tiny bit jealous because Taec could be nearing his debut without telling anyone and he wanted a head start at polishing his image. But since it was a marked improvement in Taec's hygiene Nichkhun didn't draw attention to it more than the customary, "I don't even know you anymore." And Taec always responded with, "Khun, you'll always be in my heart." They were corny, Nichkhun wouldn't deny it, but that was... just simply Taec.
And there were times when both his friends looked distinctly ruffled, flushed, or downright exhausted but somehow still perky. Nichkhun just wrote it off as their style of coping with the stress of so many training sessions and not enough rest, and the tension of omnipresent competition could get to anyone. After all, Jay was one of the most talented trainees around, and nobody could deny that Taec's bottomless well of charisma coupled with his vibrant voice practically meant he was a sure shot for debuting as an MC at least.
Still. It was a shock to see his best friends practically naked and groping each other in the dorm bathroom when they apparently thought everyone else was asleep.
Nichkhun was just thankful they were still wearing boxers.
"Shit," Jay said eloquently as he jerked his hand out of Taec's underwear.
"We can explain?" Taec offered, though there really wasn't much to explain about having one hand down someone else's shorts. It was the kind of thing that explained itself.
"Why are you still groping me?!"
It was just beyond Nichkhun's willpower to tear his eyes away, even though he knew he'd need copious amounts of alcohol and bleach to ever feel clean again. It was like a car crash. It was fixating. "I'm not judging you guys," Nichkhun said to Jay's crotch where Taec's hand was still feeling right at home. "I just need. Something. Time or- or- space. Timespace. Or something. I'll see you guys at training later." Quantum physics had to be rewritten just to define the time he needed.
"What? Where are you going? It's midnight!" Taecyeon almost shrieked, but Jay's hand covered his mouth before he reached decibels that could wake their sleeping dorm mates and Nichkhun gagged at the unsanitariness of it all.
"Training!" he repeated. He grabbed a pair of sweats and was on his way out of the dorm before the other two recovered from the whiplash.
It was as dramatic an exit as he could hope to make given the circumstances. But now that the melodrama was dying down and his mind was finally showing scenes other than excerpts from a bad porn movie, he decided to confront his current reality. He wasn't wearing much, he didn't have his wallet, he didn't have his phone... well damn it.
Maybe he could go back for-
--Jay dry-humping Taecyeon against the wall, hands traveling down the sculpted body of an Adonis and dipping under the lime green boxers of a fashion disaster--
Nichkhun mastered the urge to claw his eyes out and decided that he'd just have to do this alone. Face the world sans phone, wallet, and reasonable clothing.
Taec and Jay. Jay and Taec. He smothered the curiosity of what their couple name would be with insistent chants that he was not a fangirl.
But the more the thought about it...
It made sense. In a twisted kind of way. But it made sense.
It probably started with Jaebum, the persistent attachment of his ego with masculinity and dominance, and, oddly enough, Jokwon. It wasn't anything as obvious as Jokwon's personality rubbing off on Jaebum; despite Jay's insistence on not catching the Gay Virus (or, when he was feeling particularly sophisticated, the Gay Contagion), he knew homosexuality wasn't communicable or else he wouldn't have befriended Kwon at all.
Back in Seattle, Jay was the leader of the pack: the king, the alpha male, the front man of the gang. He held the title for years. But one day he was relocated to an unfamiliar country and left alone to fend for himself with nothing to his name but his talent, his hang-ups, and the unwelcoming arms of his fellow trainees.
Habits hardly die off for something so trivial. He couldn't recreate his old gang here so he turned to another direction to satiate his need for dominance, and a perfect fit arrived: Kwon was loud enough for three people, he was smart, he was talented, he was an established name among the trainees, and he wasn't particularly macho. All meaning he wasn't a threat to Jay's view of who was socially superior. Jay was building a small comfort zone of familiarity and Kwon was the first step. But language was still a barrier.
Then came Taec. Taecyeon, who was also loud and smart and charming and, most importantly for Jay, behaviorally American. Which made him relatable. Familiar. Friendly.
So they became friends and things were satisfactory: Jay had someone to dominate, and he had someone else to be American with. It was a nice balance. The arrangement lasted for a while and Jay genuinely formed friendships with the two people who were keeping him sane, regardless of what his subconscious may have been up to. Except that... Taec was submissive in his own way, which was good, but he was also overtly masculine, which was bad.
It was a delicate state of affairs. It wasn't meant to last.
Because Nichkhun entered Jay's life and he unknowingly demolished the balance that had been holding the old Jay together. Jay now had two friends to be American with, which made him invest more time and emotion in that aspect of his life and less with Jokwon, although his friendship with the latter persisted. But that also meant Jay had a crew in Nichkhun and Taec. And Jay had to be the dominant one.
Nichkhun knew, with a faint blow to his pride, that Jay never saw him as a threat: his features were too feminine, his posture too polished, and his actual talent too classical. Nichkhun wasn't a problem.
Taec was.
So Jay had to have power over Taec. Taecyeon, who was a native Korean. Taecyeon, who was taller than Jay, more handsome than Jay, more accepted than Jay, more charming than Jay. They were already friends, and Jay wouldn't have felt right in resolving things in a testosterone-laden clash of violent male pride, save for a few bro-punches now and then.
So, in a moment that would have made Freud proud, he turned to sex. If he could dominate Taecyeon in that aspect of their lives, Jay's ego would be appeased because he would have asserted himself in what according to Jay's worldview was the center, the focal point of masculinity.
And Taecyeon let him. Because he valued relationships. Because he valued Jay and everything they'd been through together. He valued their threesome, their partnership in crime, their butchering of Taec's mother tongue, the world they built out of comfort and familiarity. Taec let him because he thought he was strong, because he was open-minded, because there were things more important than sex and dominion.
But the thing is... Taec had always thought himself stronger than he really was. Had always been just a bit too open-minded, just a bit too susceptible to persuasion. Put just a bit too much value on emotions and relationships. And Jay, thanks to the conflict between friendship and habits, was in a vulnerable position to not respond in kind even though it was confusing him even more.
And there the problem lay.
Nichkhun cursed himself for seeing these things too late.
He knew he shouldn't let things stew by himself. Bad decisions were born that way. He needed perspective. He needed someone to help him make sense of things.
Which made it very fortunate that JYPE owned practically the entire condominium anyway, and if he wanted company he just needed to knock on the right door.
"He's sleeping right now," Jinwoon the giant bunny said with a smile way too bright for this time of night, but there was a hint of appraising guardedness in the slant of his eyes.
"Oh," Nichkhun said, deflating.
"Should I wake him up, your highness?"
Nichkhun felt his lips twitch to a frown, but he tried to turn the grimace to a smile without registering the effort. Years of practice had made it easy. "No, no, don't bother. Let him sleep. And please don't call me that. I'm not actually royalty."
"You look very tense," Jinwoon offered. "I'm sure Chansung wouldn't mind."
Nichkhun wanted to say no once more, wanted to insist that Chansung needed his sleep more than Nichkhun needed someone to absorb the shock of a crazy midnight. That coming here was a bad idea anyway because burdening Chansung with his rants about his two best friends hooking up without telling him about it was not a very smart move, especially since Chansung idolized Jay, and open-minded or not Chansung was still Korean to the bone, meaning Nichkhun had no accurate gauge of how accepting he was of same sex-- well, sex.
But he remembered the mess he'd made of his relationship with Chansung and he realized that Jinwoon was giving him an opportunity to make things right. Nichkhun and Chansung weren't friends yet, not in the real sense of the word. But Chansung wanted to be friends and friends shared their needs even if sometimes it was inconvenient. Nichkhun shouldn't be his prince. Not anymore.
"If it won't be any trouble," Nichkhun conceded, forcing down his earlier confusion and wrapping his mind around this new one. He felt slightly more mature - or at least slightly less immature - when he succeeded. "Can I wait inside?"
Jinwoon's eyes furtively widened at that and Nichkhun didn't miss the way he moved his body to block even more of the doorway. "Chan... the dorm isn't at its most presentable at the moment. Please wait here?"
Nichkhun nodded and Jinwoon vanished inside the recesses of their apartment.
Knowing Chansung, Nichkhun expected he'd have to wait for half an hour before he'd get to see the sleep zombie version of someone who was already quite slow during the day. He loitered by the door, played with the hem of his night clothes, and studiously avoided thinking about Things Not to be Thought Of.
It was a surprise when, just about five minutes later, the door opened again and a tousled and bleary eyed Chansung (with his hair staging a very violent protest) emerged carrying two steaming mugs of warm water.
"I wanted to make coffee," Chansung said gruffly as he sat on the floor beside Nichkhun. "But I'm out of stock and Jinwoon's only got his expensive stuff left and our friendship has boundaries, and none of the hyungs are awake so I couldn't ask them to loan me some of theirs. Sorry, Khun-hyung."
"Don't worry, this is fine," Nichkhun reassured him as he blew on his cup. "Thank you for the refreshment." He watched in amusement when Chansung's shoulders heaved as he repressed a yawn, and he found it endearing despite his earlier mood. "Why is Jinwoon still awake?"
"Composing," Chansung answered with a shrug as he sipped his water.
"Oh. Wow," Nichkhun said, genuinely impressed.
Half of Chansung's mouth twitched to a smirk while the other half was still trying to process the idea confusion of not being asleep. "Every night. When he's not studying for school. Try living with him and let's see if you're still amazed."
"About yesterday-" Nichkhun started.
"I'm sorry for punching Junho," Chansung interrupted. "It wasn't any of my business and he really didn't hurt you that badly and Junho's a great guy. I saw everything anyway and he didn't mean to hit you. But. I'm sorry. For acting so... embarrassingly. I shouldn't have done that."
Nichkhun could have told Chansung that it was nothing, that he and Junho had sorted it out. He could have said there was nothing to apologize for, though for sure Junho thought otherwise. He could have said something along the lines of Just don't let it happen again, or You have a good friend in Jinwoon. But he didn't. Even if he meant them to be consoling, any of those would have invalidated something Chansung held dear.
Nichkhun tugged Chansung closer for a one-armed hug and let his silence do the talking.
"This isn't very princely of you," Chansung chided him. "You're not supposed to touch anyone. It ruins the mystique."
"I'm not a prince here," Nichkhun reminded him. "And being a prince is overrated."
"I wouldn't know."
"That's why I'm telling you. Being a hyung is so much better."
Chansung hummed, not committing to the discussion. He sipped his water and Khun was surprised at how self-assured Chansung looked despite rumpled pajamas, heavy-lidded eyes and hair that was less 'windswept' and more 'hurricane landfall imminent, evacuate now'.
"I'm serious!" Nichkhun chided. "I learned from a very smart person."
"Taecyeon-hyung?" but his tone made it obvious that he knew better.
"Someone even smarter. He taught me a lot of things today. Things I really needed to know but never got around to learning."
"Yeah, that sounds just about right for Junho," Chansung said as he rested his chin on Nichkhun's shoulder. And just like that their relationship gained new ground. "Tell me more about what he said?"
So Nichkhun told him. He started with Junho and how he made Nichkhun realize that he was resisting a proper integration into a Korean way of life. Then his stories skipped to an earlier life spent almost entirely in airplanes as he traveled routinely between the U.S., Thailand, and New Zealand, and maybe that's why he's so confused about what he really is. He told Chansung about the curse of Thai royalty made clear by Chulalongkorn decades earlier: princes had a duty to serve Thailand, but that did not equate to a right to high office. Try as he might to become Korean, Nichkhun's life belonged to Thailand as a matter of honor; his presence here was an unspoken mission to ultimately bring greatness to his country.
And Chansung listened, because that was apparently what Chansung did best. He listened to people. Nichkhun would learn later on that Chansung wouldn't necessarily do what people told him to do, but he would listen to them in case they said anything worth hearing. He wouldn't always remember but the memory would be there, buried in lost thoughts and half-forgotten dreams, like an island in the mind to surface only when everything was calm.
Maybe it was a stroke of fortune that Nichkhun forgot his phone. It forced them to measure time in words instead of minutes, in thoughts and shared memories instead of numbers flashed on a screen.
Sometime between Nichkhun's first piano lessons and his experiences with puberty, Jinwoon checked on them with a fragrant mug of coffee in each of his massive hands.
It wasn't the sunrise, but it was as good a symbol as any for daybreak.
~*~
"You seem... distracted," Junho said with his hands frozen over the keyboard. He removed his foot from the pedal and the echoes of the last chord they were vocalizing with were abruptly cut off.
"Hmm?" Nichkhun answered, more or less affirming Junho's observation. "Sorry, I'll... do better. Could we try that key again?"
"We could," Junho said doubtfully, "or you could tell me what's bothering you. You're usually not like this, Nichkhun-sshi. You're always focused and reliable and aware of what you're doing. So why aren't you now? It's only the morning recess. We still have a long day ahead of us."
Bothered and sleepless as he was, Nichkhun was paying enough attention to be amazed at how different Junho had become compared to when he first volunteered to teach. Nichkhun never realized that the cool, detached persona Junho used to project was simply a cover for his feelings of insecurity and awkwardness, particularly around those who got a lot of attention. Junho was passionate. Hardworking. He'd been fooled at an early age into believing that talent and competence would be the keys to his success, but he lost faith when he realized how misguided his beliefs were now that he faced the challenges of the real world. He came to realize that success ultimately lay in his dealings with other people.
And now that Junho had chosen him to hedge his bets with people, Nichkhun was determined to not let him down. To help Junho rebuild his faith.
"It's..." Nichkhun trailed off. He didn't know what to say. The clarity that possessed him last night and allowed him to rebuild his relationship with Chansung had been replaced by an inner turmoil inspired by the reason why he sought Chansung out in the first place. The sleeplessness brought his guard down and stirred up the shallowly buried confusion he felt about Jay and Taec. And now, here he was with the need to talk it all out and make sense of everything, and the only person around - who by all means was technically still a stranger, albeit a comfortably familiar one - was the one who taught him the most about being Korean.
The Korean vitriol for homosexual relationships was widely known. Nichkhun hadn't been fooled by media-wide clamors for skinship and fanservice, and he knew that there was no way Taec and Jay would receive support from anyone else apart from Nichkhun. And doubtlessly they must have been unsure of Nichkhun as well, or else they'd have said something earlier. Nichkhun didn't blame them. At least, not now when he was calmer and the memory of what he saw in the bathroom had been dulled by temporary clarity via insomnia.
Still, he hadn't talked to either Jay or Taec since last night. They saw each other earlier in the hallway, but hard as Nichkhun tried to go to his friends and say hello, the sheer awkwardness of the situation made him avert his eyes and duck into unused training rooms. They didn't follow him in, probably thanks to Taec's underappreciated empathy.
"... personal?" Junho finished for him with an inquisitive look, but something in the crescent of his eyes looked mildly put down.
"In a sense. And complicated," Nichkhun answered. "I didn't get much sleep last night. Or this morning. I didn't get to sleep."
"At this rate, you'll sing like sh- very awfully later in class. Coach Dongwook will be very displeased. I think it might be best to just hop on a plane now than endure his wrath." The tone of voice was dead serious, but Nichkhun checked Junho's eyes just to be sure. And there it was: that tiny sparkle of humor in the slant.
Nichkhun half-pouted at him, though the rest of his expression matched Junho's sincerity. "Unless they've invented a plane that can travel to the moon, I don't think I'll ever be safe from Coach Dongwook."
"At least in space no one can hear you sing," Junho teased.
"Yes, that would be good for the rest of the world, wouldn't it?" Nichkhun said with a mocking sigh.
"Nice to know that I'm doing the world a favor. Just listen to us."
"Us?" Nichkhun asked, confused.
Junho nodded towards the door, where Nichkhun saw Junsu leaning against the frame. Junsu bowed at both of them before approaching.
"This way, we both get to learn," Junho said with a satisfied grin.
"Does this mean Junho hasn't told you about our deal?" Junsu asked as he sat on a monobloc chair beside the keyboard.
"I'm amending our initial agreement to include a third party," Junho told Nichkhun quickly. "Junsu will teach us how to sing, you teach us English, and I'll teach you both how to dance. That's a good deal no matter how you look at it. Right, Nichkhun-sshi?"
"I just wish you'd told me sooner so I could have practiced more," Nichkhun groused, but he was genuinely impressed. He kept forgetting how Junho was smart, how Junho was good, how Junho was competent. How quickly Junho realized one of his weaknesses and immediately resolved to not let it become a disadvantage.
"Telling you earlier would have alerted someone Junho detests," Junsu said before Junho could shush him. "Like it or not, Nichkhun-sshi, people are watching you. Even that little ass Wooyoung. And Junho, I've thought about it and this is my decision: I'll help you with this but that's all. This is as far as I'll go. Wooyoung's your rival, not mine."
Junho nodded his acceptance of Junsu's words but tsk'ed at the meaning. "Fine. That's fine," he said darkly through clenched teeth. "Wooyoung. I should have known he'd come up with something like that. He's good. But I won't let him be as good as I am."
"Please," Junsu said with a roll of his eyes. "You wouldn't have asked me to join this little operation of yours if he didn't pull some serious shit that took you down a few pegs."
"Hyung!" Junho wheedled, uncharacteristically cute and proving to Nichkhun that Junho was willing to use every advantage in his arsenal, aegyo included.
"Anyway, Nichkhun-sshi, don't worry about that imp. He's cunning and wily and he knows how to divide people, but Junho and I will be too much for him to handle. We've wised up to his ways."
"But why is he like that?" Nichkhun asked. He didn't know Wooyoung very well, but the minimal exposure he had agreed with Junsu's and Junho's assessment. It didn't sit right with him, not when Wooyoung was still primarily an enigma. Although Nichkhun trusted Junho's judgment, he also needed to know things for himself.
Junho thoughtfully pressed an augmented F-sharp and Junsu hummed a short tune in harmony. "Wooyoung is... he's Wooyoung," Junho said. "Just simply, overwhelmingly Wooyoung."
"Just like how you're simply overwhelmingly Junho?" Nichkhun probed.
Junho laughed at the words, but the sound was unsure and hollow of mirth. "The two of us... Wooyoung and I--"
"They're actually lovers in a very complicated affair," Junsu supplied with a conspiratorial wink.
"Hyung!"
"-but Wooyoung insisted that Junho be the girl and Junho's too proud of his ass to let it come to any harm-"
And despite himself, Nichkhun leaned back to check the body part in question. He hadn't noticed before but it was a rather magnificent... specimen.
"I am appalled at you two," Junho said, scandalized, as he inadequately covered the body part in question with his hands.
"But seriously," Nichkhun interrupted, because the conversation too closely paralleled his issue with his best friends and he didn't want to go there. "Why Wooyoung?"
"Wooyoung and I... are very different in a lot of things," Junho said enigmatically. "Talent, dreams, frustrations... We've been compared to each other lots of times and I accept it. But we're also very similar where it matters. Even when it comes to things I'm not proud of."
"I can't see how you two are similar at all," Nichkhun volunteered. "You're Junho and you reached out to me for cooperation. Wooyoung... he's divisive, as Junsu said. And kind of a jerk."
"Then you're looking at the wrong things," Junsu answered. He nudged Junho aside and took his place at the keys. "Now let's show that bitch who's the boss around here. Both of you: open your mouths and split the resonance between your mouth and your nose. Tense your jaw a bit. Remember, we're singing pop music, not classical. We want to sound unique." He played a broken A in the baritone range and Nichkhun and Junho followed.
~*~
Nichkhun found himself watching Wooyoung more intently during modeling training. He paid attention to every shift in Wooyoung's expression, every furrow of his eyebrows, every twitch of his lips, everything he could see. The swagger, the nonchalance, the neutrality in those eyes...
Whatever Junho and Junsu insisted was there, Nichkhun didn't see it.
Taec draped an arm around his shoulders and Nichkhun forced himself not to flinch at the contact. "I'm sorry you had to see me and Jay," Taec whispered a bit too close to Nichkhun's ear than was strictly comfortable, "but it isn't our fault if we accidentally made you gay."
Nichkhun sighed and tore his eyes away from Wooyoung's strut on the makeshift catwalk. "Can we please talk about something else?"
"We'll end up not talking about it at all unless I force you to. Come on, Khun, I need you to be okay with this."
"'I'?" Nichkhun asked without looking at Taec. "So there's no 'we' between you and Jay yet?"
"Are you kidding? As if Jay cares about whether you're okay with it or not."
Despite himself, Nichkhun couldn't stop the pang of hurt from showing up on his face. There was no point in watching Wooyoung, not when Taec was in his determined 'we need to talk' mode.
"Aww, Khun, you know I didn't mean it like that," Taecyeon said, tightening his hug.
Nichkhun leaned in to the familiar affection. After all, this was Taec. Ok Taecyeon. Possibly the biggest goofball he knew. He reminded himself that Taec wasn't a sexual creature. That the thing Nichkhun intruded on wasn't what it looked like. That Taec had always treated him with respect - as a human instead of a sexual object. In the end, that was what mattered. "Yeah. I suppose I should feel flattered that Jay considers me a friend no matter what. But. Taec. Just..."
"Just?"
"Boundaries, okay? And be safe. And be careful." Beyond that, Nichkhun didn't know what else to say. He had an idea of how things worked, but only in a crudely mechanical 'insert rod A into slot B' and 'remember the lube' kind of way. Although who the rod was among them was fairly obvious. The imagery was not helping.
"Hey, we were discreet."
"How is doing it in the dorm bathroom discreet?" And although Nichkhun's words were whispered, the vehemence in his hissing caused a few heads to turn towards them. Nichkhun decided that Wooyoung's pointed ignorance of his outburst meant Wooyoung knew of his surveillance.
"More discreet," Taec amended with a wink. He got to his feet and sauntered over to the catwalk for his turn to strut and Nichkhun tried very hard not to look for a limp in Taec's gait.
~*~
He felt good that Taec forced the issue and that they'd reached some resolution. But there were other things to think about. Like how barely anything ever caught Wooyoung's attention, though Nichkhun knew better: it only took one look, one glance for Wooyoung to notice everything.
Like how Wooyoung met his gaze at the end of training. His expression was as blank as ever.
But Nichkhun understood. It was clear as crystal.
Challenge accepted.
~*~
Eventually, after wasting half an hour of lunch combing the known trainee haunts plus another half hour of studying fire escape diagrams and mentally mapping out this wing of the building, Nichkhun discovered a way to the rooftop via a circuitous route of unmarked doors and unused stairs. The lock on the door atop of the final stairwell had clearly been picked open, though unskillfully if the scratch marks on the paint job were any clue.
Nichkhun found him sitting completely relaxed in the shade, thoroughly unsurprised and not even bothering to look up.
"I knew you're smarter than you look," Wooyoung said in a tone of voice that Nichkhun couldn't place. Was it sarcasm? Was it a dare? Was it patronizing? Was it proud? Or was it just meaningless teasing?
"And you think you're smarter than everyone else," Nichkhun told him back, though he chose to speak calmly.
"Wrong. Minus points for the incorrect assumption, but thank you for playing."
"You were smart enough to know exactly what Junho was up to," Nichkhun continued with more confidence than justified by what he actually knew. "You were smart enough to act against it before Junho could get any momentum. And you were smart enough to do it without actually lying."
Wooyoung gave no indication of having heard him.
"So you obviously think Junho's a threat against you. But I wa-"
"Nichkhun-sshi, not that I'm accepting it, but you give me entirely too much credit. Why are you telling me these things I supposedly already know?"
"So you don't know that much?" Nichkhun taunted, changing tactics when he sensed an opening. He didn't realize until much later that it was a trap, opened with so much simplicity and skill. "Maybe you're not so smart after all."
Wooyoung breathed in deep. Suddenly, even without changing his posture every bit about his demeanor became filled with meaning, telling Nichkhun that his presence was being tolerated only out of what little patience Wooyoung had left. "I never said I was. But if I remember properly, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, Nichkhun-sshi: you don't have an enviable track record for saying the right things. But, as you so fervently pointed out, I do."
Nichkhun's fists were already tensed by the time he realized he was sauntering closer. On some self-observant level he wondered if this was the kind of anger that he'd always been warned about, the kind of anger that can push men blindly and so easily towards regret. But an inner part of him, the one that delighted in Chansung's worship and Junho's capitulation, the part that thought of how had power over Jay and Taec by accepting or rejecting their relationship... that part delighted in this strange feeling, this feeling that filled him with unfamiliar heat. Power driven by the desire to cause so much hurt to this person who belittled his troubles and wounded him with mere words. It was new, it was unfamiliar, and it felt right.
He wondered if Wooyoung realized the danger that approached him now with claw-like fingers reaching for the collar of his shirt.
Wooyoung did. When he finally turned to look at Nichkhun for the first time from his spot on the floor, wholly undisturbed when he regarded Nichkhun with those strangely blank eyes...
Nichkhun knew then that he was horribly outclassed. What he'd mistaken for mere emptiness of expression in those eyes, he saw then for its true nature: burning intelligence paraded so plainly that it absorbed everything and showed nothing; intelligence that calculated which buttons to press and which levers to pull in order to bring out a side of Nichkhun he'd always sought hard to suppress.
His hand froze an inch away from Wooyoung's neck. The anger that fueled him vanished entirely, replaced by the fear that Wooyoung understood every part of him. Even the shameful parts that Nichkhun buried in shallow graves beneath heavy stones, behind locks the keys to which he thought he'd deliberately lost
Things would have been different if Wooyoung sneered at him then. Had Wooyoung relished this triumph, Nichkhun would have felt justified in lashing out just to make him feel better. Had Wooyoung thrown a line about half-baked decisions and crippling emotional imbalance, Nichkhun could have dismissed him in mind and words, could have said you're beneath me, you're not worth it.
But Wooyoung kept looking at him with those plain, blank eyes with the polar opposite of benevolence in his understanding.
Nichkhun backed away quietly. Backed away with his eyes on Wooyoung, keeping watch until he found the door and climbed down the stairs. But no matter how much distance he put between them, no matter the cement and steel that set them apart, Nichkhun still felt those eyes boring deep into his mind.
He skipped gag show training after lunch and spent the entire time calming down.
Wooyoung shouldn't have gotten under his skin that easily. He won't let it happen again.
~*~
He saw it now. How Junho saw himself in Wooyoung, Nichkhun saw it now.
The intelligence. The cunning. The sheer belief in their abilities, no matter how much Junho denied it: if the industry wouldn't recognize them for their dancing or singing, then they'd force the game by changing the rules. They had other talents. Talents that wouldn't show on camera but would get them noticed by the right people in the right light.
But talent begot talent. Competence begot competence. Junho and Wooyoung, and possibly Junsu as well. Junsu must have known what was going on - must even have been a part of it at some point - and decided not to join their rivalry. Junsu was a singer to the core: if he was going to be noticed he wanted it to be because of music, not politics; because of his voice, not the mind games he could win.
Junho's earlier diatribe was an admission that he'd marked Wooyoung as his main competitor, and if the fervor behind the sentiment was any clue, Wooyoung reciprocated. But whatever Wooyoung leveraged against Junho, it must not have been enough. They must have started on similar ground, and they grew with their eyes on each other, waiting for the rival to make a fatal flaw.
And from then on, they fed each other's skills, sharpened each other's talents, helped each other attain a level of competence that neither one would otherwise have been able to achieve. Their rivalry mutated into a twisted symbiosis, or at least mutual parasitism: Junho learned to be watchful and observant of the people around him, but he lacked the subtlety needed to leverage a decisive advantage... but what did Wooyoung learn? To be mysterious? To draw the right conclusions? To throw up a façade that could confuse the hell out of everyone? Nichkhun didn't know; he knew too little of Wooyoung.
But the result was obvious: they had created giants.
Yet... that was where their similarities ended. No matter what their motives were, Nichkhun believed in what he saw with his own eyes: Junho built other people's strengths so they could help each other, while Wooyoung broke them so he wouldn't have any competition.
That was how things were.
Nichkhun wanted to know more, but things were too complicated, too tangled for him to understand. He should have been there from the start.
But Nichkhun wasn't there then, and he was here now. Junho had made his move and Wooyoung his own, and Nichkhun had chosen a side.
~*~
Maybe that was part of growing up.
Maybe learning the difference between empathy and understanding was crucial for finding the right people. Maybe in that sense he was lucky to have met Wooyoung. But only in the same sense the he was lucky to have met Junho and Chansung.
"You should probably sing the melody," Junho said thoughtfully as he pulled his chair closer to Nichkhun while Coach Dongwook taught a group of three the harmonic lines for their study song. "That way you won't have to worry about awkward leaps and you can pick up the dominant pitch from the accompaniment."
"We're being overtly friendly now?" Nichkhun asked, surprised. Part of him knew that this was a political display, a show to let Wooyoung know that his ploy didn't work and he'd have to come up with something better.
"Think of it as psychological warfare," Junho answered nonchalantly. He hummed a few bars from the baritone line and frowned at the minor progression.
"Of course." But another voice in Nichkhun said that maybe friendship can also grow from an alliance, that maybe harboring parallel vested interests was an unromantic way to start a relationship, but if it can work, why not?
Nichkhun looked for Wooyoung's reflection and found it mingled with Jokwon's group.
So even he could adapt to new situations. This battle of wits between Junho and Wooyoung wasn't going to end anytime soon and Nichkhun had voluntarily put himself in the middle. Despite how Wooyoung didn't even seem to notice them, no doubt he was already planning a maneuver.
Maybe Nichkhun was a romantic after all. Maybe he was still hoping to find a way for Junho and Wooyoung to find peace with each other and for this feuding to stop. Because although turning against each other sharpened their skills, it was still possible for them to cut each other down and that would be a tremendous waste of talent. Maybe there was a way for Nichkhun to convince one of them to be the bigger man and offer a truce.
But if Nichkhun was going to be part of this, he needed to know more. He could start with Junho's choice of allies.
He glanced at Junsu's group, which was composed of two other notably talented singers. That group was going to win this demonstration hands down. "Can I speak casually, seonsaengnim?"
"Hmm?" said Junho.
Nichkhun took that as a yes. "Why Junsu?"
Junho looked up from the sheet music to quirk an eyebrow at Nichkhun. "You mean the reason isn't blindingly obvious? Junsu has humongous talent. Vocally, at least."
"It's just that-" Nichkhun averted his gaze by focusing on the melody line. His fingers twitched as he imagined playing it on the piano. "-it's not a big deal. But. I thought you'd given up on just talent. Isn't that why you chose to partner with me?"
Junho's silence lasted longer than Nichkhun was used to, but he let his trainer find the right words. The answer, when it came, spoke tons more about Nichkhun than about Junho.
"Maybe I was wrong," Junho said with a shrug. Nichkhun grinned.
~*~
"We missed you at lunch today," Jay said as he stared blankly at the tray of eggs Taecyeon set before him.
"I was busy," Nichkhun answered, watching Taec cut kimchi with a vague yet easily explainable sense of doom.
"Evidently." Jay took an egg and cautiously tapped it against the table. He frowned at the small crack on the shell. "We wanted to have lunch with you. You know. As friends. Like we always do. Since we're still friends. Aren't we, Khun?"
Nichkhun looked suspiciously at Jay, who was giving the eggs more interest than they deserved, then at Taec, who was adding water to the kimchi pot and singing to himself along the lyrics of "Food, food, food~"
Nichkhun rested his head in his palms and groaned. "Kill me now and spare me from this awkwardness. Can't we please just order out and not die from food poisoning?"
Jay looked like he wanted to agree, but a sharp glance from Taecyeon shut him up. "We love you too much - as a friend - to hurt you in any way, Khun," he said weakly. "And friends cook for each other. Because they're friends. And it totally isn't gay."
Taecyeon nodded at those words even as he tried to look carefully preoccupied with cutting the pork belly for the stew. Okay, enough was enough.
"This ... thing. Between the two of you," Nichkhun said carefully, unsure if he was crossing the line between 'best friend' and 'insistent meddler' but not caring much because the elephant in the room was suffocating him with sheer awkwardness. "What is it?"
"It's a kitchen table," Taec said innocently. He was rightfully ignored.
Jay's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "Khun. It's just a thing. Right, Taec?"
"Very eloquently defined," Taec said with an amused sparkle in his eyes. He was practically twinkling. Nichkhun tried very hard not to burst into defeated laughter.
Jay shrugged. "It's a sex thing. That's all it is," he added as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Fucking and sucking whenever we can get away with it." But Khun knew better. Jay's ego, Jay's reliance on masculinity, everything that made him Jay had to make him say those words.
"We haven't tried it all night long yet, but we're working on it." Taec winked. He could express a great many emotions through his face, the most common of which were good-natured tolerance and equine look-a-like, but lewdness was not one of them. It just wasn't him, but credits for trying.
Nickhun was trying not to wince at the thought of Taec's well-being and all night long! when he caught the change in his friends' eyes. Jay just looked satisfied that the talk was over and already Nichkhun could see how he was forming scabs over the awkward memory, whereas the glimmer in Taec's eyes turned into a look of determined bravery.
Nichkhun was right after all. He knew his friend well. Taec was a smart guy, maybe even smarter than he gave himself credit for, but not by much because Taec knew he was smart. And if Nichkhun had been able to force an answer out of Jay about what their relationship was about, then Taec must surely have known it as well. He'd known from the start where all of this was headed.
But Nichkhun also knew that Taec thought he was stronger than he really was. And Jay was strong but there were other things eating away at him from the inside. And they started this wrong and they didn't build the base strong enough to make it last.
What lay down the road was obvious and inevitable. But Jay and Taec had buried themselves in too deep to back out, and Nichkhun was too late to give them a way out without breaking everything else. The best thing, the most human thing he could do was to let it happen and to pick up the pieces after the fall.
The sex was a bad idea, but Jay had plenty of worse ideas before and he wasn't going to stop now. The emotional investment may not survive, but Taecyeon had been and will go through worse. But Nichkhun could save the friendship. He owed them that much.
Many things could start with a pot of jjigae and a roomful of affection.
~*~
It's the weekend and the city glowed warm orange from the sunset. The skyline of Seoul could have been painted in tones of red.
There was a small elementary class from a school a few blocks away enjoying their time outside. Their teacher was handing out balloons and the first children in line were already blowing theirs up.
"This is nice," Nichkhun said softly as he contemplated the scene over his popsicle stick. He wished he had his camera with him.
"Mm-hmm," Chansung hummed around his own ice cream with a second packet held loosely in his hand.
Nichkhun let the moment last. He can't remember when everything turned crazy. Or crazier, at least. Weird as it was, the past few days seemed to have driven everything else out of his life.
But the weekend had come and Taec made him promise to invite his new friends out with them for noraebang, but the way Jay just brushed his teeth silently suggested that it was his idea. Nichkhun figured he should still introduce Chansung formally even though they already knew each other. And while he was at it...
They heard soft footsteps approaching them cautiously. "So this is where you two have been disappearing off to during break," Junho said cheerfully. "You'll need to drink some warm water before we go to class."
Nichkhun crinkled his eyes at Junho. It wasn't the welcome Junho deserved, but the calm silence was comfortable and Nichkhun wasn't ready to leave it just yet. Junho understood - like he always did - and sat on the curb beside Chansung.
"Hey," Junho said, nudging with his elbow when Chansung wouldn't meet his eyes.
Chansung paid entirely too much attention to his ice cream. He bowed and extended the hand bearing his extra sweet.
Junho looked surprised for a moment. Then his eyes formed crescents of affection. "Thanks, Chansungie," he said in a small voice.
Chansung just nodded, but a weight lifted from his shoulders and he quirked the corners of his lips.
"Yeah, we're okay," Junho said over the sound of plastic being torn open.
They let the moment linger for a while.
But time moved on and Nichkhun didn't want to be stuck in the past. He finished his popsicle. "What do you say to a night of singing your throat hoarse?" he asked Junho. "Me, Chansung, and a couple of my other friends are going out. I'd like it if you came along."
"Hmm," Junho hummed thoughtfully.
"But it'll be just for fun," Nichkhun added quickly. "So don't judge my singing. How's that sound?"
"Sounds like a nice change of pace," Junho eventually answered. "Too bad we still have one class to go."
"Or we could skip it?" Chansung volunteered. "I don't feel like rapping today."
It took only a beat for Nichkhun and Junho to reach a decision and both whipped their phones out at the same time. "I'll tell Taec to drag Jay out of the studios. Not that Jay would resist much," Nichkhun muttered as he keyed in a quick message.
"I'll tell Junsu not to worry," Junho said in return. "In case he thinks Wooyoung went overboard after he realizes we're both missing."
Chansung took his time licking his popsicle stick clean before bringing out his own phone. "Is it okay if I ask Jinwoon to come along?"
"We'd love to have him around," Nichkhun said cheerfully.
"Just don't get him drunk," Junho added.
"We're underage," Chansung pointed out.
"As if that will stop you from sneaking in some alcohol. No drunk Jinwoon, that's all I ask," Junho insisted.
"Why?" Nichkhun's curiosity was piqued, mainly because he couldn't imagine Jinwoon even drinking alcohol.
"He gets inappropriately grabby," Junho said, wincing at a memory. "And the bastard's grip is strong."
Nichkhun burst into laughter at the image. "I'll see that and raise you a drunk Taecyeon."
"Precision farting?" Chansung guessed.
"Projectile vomit?" Junho hazarded.
Nichkhun suppressed his laughter lest he double up on the pavement. "Neither. He does number sequences."
"What?" Chansung and Junho asked at the same time.
"Number sequences. Primary numbers, the Fibonacci sequence, the Lucas number string, squares of natural integers, that kind of stuff."
"You're kidding," Chansung said, undecided between being awed or disillusioned.
Junho wasn't similarly handicapped. "That's... kind of cool. In a nerdy kind of way."
Nichkhun let his smirk do the talking. Some things can only be believed after experience. Like the best burger in the world or the overwhelming flavor of samgyupsal properly done.
Like friendships that started from the wrong things but end up feeling so right. Or a love that's doomed to fail but is worth having while it's there. Or learning just a bit more about people and about life, and learning something about yourself along the way.
Or a psychological war being waged between giants.
There would be time for that tomorrow. Tonight, they would have a breath of fresh air.
~*~
Maybe there is such a thing as maturity that crosses cultures. Maybe there is such a thing as being human with anyone, anywhere, anytime. Maybe there are people who turn to history and learn from thousands of years of precedence to find lessons that mustn't be forgotten. Maybe there are people who find things once thought to be forever lost in time.
But for Nichkhun, the growth was more subtle. He didn't get to learn about good people and bad people, although he came very close. That opportunity was overshadowed by learning something more important: some people can appear bad, but only because he was looking at them the wrong way. Maybe one day he would find someone to teach him this ultimate lesson. Who knows? Nichkhun doesn't, and neither do we.
Nichkhun never did find out what the Korean version of omerta was called. All he knew was that he too must follow a code, the right conduct to live by, and that code entailed silence when things became too awkward to deal with. Not because he condoned what was happening, but because words and people can be such fragile things and one can break the other so easily. He learned that, sometimes, strength calls for silence and a time to think of the right way to act. It might take him some time to master the art, but he is sincere and he loves his friends. The effort will be worth it.
But he learned about Taecyeon's courage, and the day will come when he hopes to find that same strength within himself, when he falls in love with someone for whom he never intended. He learned about Jaebum's desire for familiarity, and the day will come when it will give him the words to push Jay in the direction they both believe to be right.
He learned about Junsu's unshakeable belief in his talents, and the day will come when Nichkhun will have to remind Junsu that there is more to him than just what the cameras can catch. He learned about Wooyoung's approach to competition, and the day will come when they'll have to call on that particular talent and Wooyoung will show everyone that he's not proud of what he can do, but he'll do it anyway because of need. Nichkhun learned why Junho is so magnificent, and the day will come when that light will stop shining and it'll be up to Nichkhun to bring it back. He learned about Chansung's easy laugh and solid confidence, and the day will come when Nichkhun will wish that he was younger so he could draw strength from those things he held dear.
But they are stories on their own. Stories to be told another day.
One day, when we are still in love, we will hear the words these stories have to say.
[- It's not goodbye. Not yet. Stay tuned. -]
Author's Notes: Yes, there will be a second part to this story. I just need time to plan it out and to write it down. Now, for a bit of story meta~
This story is the first deliberate collaboration between geniebsmart and me. Once before, she wrote a musical composition in response to my first 2AM fic. Frequent conversations followed, along with discovery of the similarities of our artistic inclinations. She generously agreed to collaborate with me on this creative piece, and both our compositions were born. May this mark the start of a long and fruitful artistic companionship between people from different continents. In this, the internet is a wonderful thing.
We hope you enjoyed the music and the story, and may you have as much fun listening and reading as we did in making them. ♥