On the fourth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me
four hard shells
[Title] Head Cases
[Fandom] Akira
[Rating] PG-13 for language, references to violence, drug-taking, references to broken homes, ablism
[Notes/Summary] They say a lot of stupid things about people like Kaneda and his friends.
Kaneda
They talk a lot of shit about kids who are in care, Kaneda figures. They mostly being cops and the principal and anyone else who’s mad about something he’s done. Which, okay, if you’re mad with someone, you’re probably going to talk shit about them, but that’s not the point.
The point is that sometimes - and it’s not just authority figures in his immediate circle, actually, it’s everyone, journalists and newsreaders and politicians sounding off about the delinquent epidemic sweeping the city’s youth - sometimes they go on about damaged children, who have never known a stable upbringing, never felt part of the fabric of society to which the rest of us belong, buried that sense of loss and abandonment under a hard shell of drug use and violence, and sometimes they’re all like ungrateful youths, who had a rough start in life but chose not to rise above it, chose to give in to their basest instincts, perpetuating the cycle... Kaneda’s kind of impressed he can remember even this much of it, he’s mostly zoned out ten minutes ago when they start in on him.
The point is that they make it all about how if you didn’t grow up in a happy home in the suburbs, with a mum and dad and probably a pet or something, then you’re some kind of headcase. Which Kaneda figures maybe makes sense if you started off with that and lost it -
Like Tetsuo, who hasn’t talked about his parents in years but the first thing everyone at the home knew about him was his mum and dad left him, who always drew pictures of houses and mums and dads and families, and then just figured everyone else would bail on him too, went round with a face like he wanted to be liked, and so of course everybody picked on him. Okay, sure, maybe the journalists and teachers and that are kind of right, with Tetsuo, maybe he is a little - not messed up in the head, but… maybe it had an effect. But, it wasn’t because of that that Tetsuo’s a biker and constantly in trouble at school. He’s a biker ‘cause he’s Kaneda’s friend, and he’s constantly in trouble because their school is a shithole. (Even some of the teachers used to pick on Tetsuo, in the way teachers sometimes do, like they could tell he had that just-wanting-to-be-liked face on underneath. Which makes it pretty funny when they start lecturing the kids about bad behaviour.)
But the point is, Kaneda never grew up with any stable home. His mum and dad died when he was like a year old, he doesn’t remember ‘em, doesn’t even have any pictures. If he has grandparents or aunts or uncles or anything it’s not like they bothered to make themselves known. So all his life he’s been in children’s homes and never known anything else, right? If he’s damaged, then if someone got into his brain and fixed him it would make him someone completely different. Whereas Tetsuo had had seven years of being not-messed-up and yet he’s the one with the… the stuff going on in his head.
The point is that the way those people talk, you’d figure every kid in care has a World-War-Three-style crater in their mind, and either they can’t dig their way out of it or they decide they don’t want to. Whereas from where Kaneda’s standing, it looks like most people do shit just because they want to, or because they never thought not to, or because their mum and dad told them to, or told them not to. Just makes people feel better to sound off like they know it all. Whereas anyone with an actual functioning brain would figure, hey, burning it down the highway at a hundred k an hour, having a drink, popping a pill, making out - you know what? That stuff is fun. And everyone goes after what they find fun, when it comes down to it. Just maybe kids like him aren’t afraid to admit it.
Tetsuo
Tetsuo thinks - well, he only thinks it late at night, when he’s kind of drunk, or he can’t sleep and he’s lying awake and the events of the evening, or some evening, or some day years ago, are on replay in his head - he sometimes thinks he actually must have something wrong in his head. He’d never say it out loud, because hell if he’s going to give people any more ammunition against him, but when you look at the facts…
Just, everyone else seems to… okay, have their shit together isn’t right, other people fuck up, or they’re stupid, or they get mad about stuff, but… it doesn’t seem to matter to them. Not deep down. Like they’re all turtles but he somehow ended up without a shell. Which is fucking stupid but he kind of feels it might be true.
He knows when he was a little kid he cried at everything and that meant everyone tried to make him cry more, he knows that, he tries not to think about it too much, it was ages ago, he was pathetic. And, okay, maybe that means part of him is still waiting to get jumped on again, just like that little kid always was, even though that’s pathetic, too. But that’s the whole point. He knows that when Kaneda was little, before they met, he got picked on by those same kids who pushed Tetsuo around. He said he did. (Could’ve been lying to make his wimpy best friend feel better.) But he said he did and it was probably true, those kids were assholes, they picked on all the little ones, so -
So why is it Kaneda never even seems to imagine that people might not like him? Just goes in there with a smile and a dirty joke and a plan to cause mayhem and it fucking works? How come he doesn’t ever think maybe... or what if... or… even though they grew up in the same place? Tetsuo can’t believe those jerks at the home, or the jerks in school, or the cops or the teachers or anyone ever chose to go easy on Kaneda, no one ever chooses to go easy on people if they don’t have to, so how come Kaneda didn’t let it get to him?
You just have to figure he’s got a thicker skin. A harder shell.
Tetsuo tries not to think about this too much because it always ends with the conclusion that guess I’m just fucked up, then, guess I’m pathetic, guess anyone could stomp me if they wanted, because how can you just make yourself grow that hard shell, if you didn’t get it by now? He tries and he keeps trying and it never works and by now, by now he’s so sick of trying, he’s so sick of all of it -
Sometimes, before he wrenches his mind onto something else, or goes to punch something that won’t punch him back, he wonders if there’s anything that could break through the shell Kaneda’s so lucky to have got. And what it’d be like if it did. That thought makes him feel better, sometimes.
Yamagata
You have an attitude problem, they’ve always told Yamagata, you should show respect for your elders and betters, you’re a troublemaker, you’re on a downward spiral and if you want to make anything of yourself... And blah blah blah, he’s heard it a thousand times and like any of them know anything.
Way Yamagata sees it, he has an attitude but he doesn’t have an attitude problem. As long as he can remember, if you don’t stand up for yourself, no one else is going to do it for you. Which is maybe what they mean when they talk about coming from a broken home, maybe other kids’ families don’t have knock-down storm-out wall-punching rows twenty-four-seven, but then, his friends are all in care properly, Kaneda’s never even known his parents, and they’re all on Yamagata’s side when it comes to this, they all know it’s them against the world. If Yamagata has an attitude it’s like because if people constantly chuck rocks at you, you’d put up a shield or a shell or something and chuck some back, right? That’s just sensible.
If Yamagata thinks about it - which he mostly only does in class ‘cause what the hell else is he going to do, listen to stuff he doesn’t understand which doesn’t matter? - if he thinks about it, he figures probably they’re… you know, on a scale of attitude problem-ness. Like, Kaneda mouths off when he wants to, and thinks most adults are morons, but he’s also pretty good at knowing when to lie (or… attempt to lie, his reputation sort of gets ahead of him these days) or keep something on the down-low. And, when they’re on the road, he’s the one who knows best about when to bring it, when to start a battle, and when to haul ass and regroup, which makes sense ‘cause he’s the leader. Sometimes people have said to Yamagata can’t believe you’re takin’ orders from someone else when they know he’s in a gang, which is bullshit, because, one, it’s not orders, not like they’re in the fucking army, and second, Yamagata doesn’t mind doing what Kaneda suggests because Kaneda mostly sort-of knows what he’s talking about. Yamagata’s pretty sure if it were him he’d probably have led them into some way more dicey situations. Or he’d have backed off when he didn’t need to and they’d be wusses. Kaneda seems to be able to walk the line.
Then, Kai on the other hand, Kai is probably smarter than the rest of them, and he tends to only mouth off at the teachers when they started it, but he isn’t a wimp. Some people might think he kind of is, but that’s because they don’t know he’s pretty clever. Clever people like Kai back off because it’s sensible. Wusses back off ‘cause they’re scared. Yamagata rarely backs off, because it won’t usually make it better, the other guy’ll just keep coming. Kaneda makes like he’s backing off, tells a lie that’s so outrageous it makes you stop and check you actually heard something that stupid, and then runs like hell or gets a hit in while you’re distracted.
Tetsuo backs off all the time. Like, not when they’re riding. He’s not always as good as the rest of them but he gets into the action. But up til recently when people gave him hassle, he’d only stand up to ‘em if Kaneda were around. See, that’s what pisses Yamagata off. People want him to have less of an attitude? That’d only mean he’s like Tetsuo, backing down just when he shouldn’t, waiting for someone else to fight his battles for him, and still failing classes in a dead-end vocational training school. At least Yamagata’s got some stuff he can be proud of. You’d think if you’ve got no parents at all you’d be better at fighting your own battles.
Tetsuo knows Yamagata thinks this, probably. He’ll give you a side-eyed glance if you call him out on acting like a loser, like he wants to punch you but doesn’t dare. One of these days, Yamagata’s gonna say, come on, do it, take a swing at me. One of them’s got to, after all. Kaneda won’t, maybe ‘cause he’s known Tetsuo so long, he’s used to him being like that, and Kai won’t, he’ll figure it isn’t worth the argument, but Yamagata figures at least if you have an attitude it means you get stuff sorted out. He might as well try and drag Tetsuo up to his level.
Kai
These days when the teachers are in full-on rant mode, Kai is just one of those troublemakers, the short one. Which is fine, it’s not like both of those things aren’t true. It was different when he first started hanging around with Kaneda and the others, the first time they got busted. A few people did try the line of you’re better than this, you could make something of yourself. Kai had let his grades slide even more after that, when the others had kept quoting back to him you could make something of yourself for like a full week. You can mark yourself out as a bit different, you can be late hitting puberty and short for your age and not dress like you just rolled out of bed, but you can’t push it too far.
He doesn’t quite know, sometimes, what’s the stuff he does because he wants to and what’s the stuff he does because everyone else is doing it and what’s the stuff he’d happily ditch except he likes not being a complete loner. He kind of tries not to think about it too much because it starts making him feel like he’s having an out-of-body experience (especially if he’s thinking about it while getting drunk or popping pills or trying to get through school on two hours’ sleep). It’s probably a stupid question to ask, anyway. Probably most people are in the same boat, building up a solid shell of an identity from who they hang out with. Maybe? But then he thinks of Kaneda, strolling through life like he set it up this way, like he was never anyone else but who he is, and figures maybe Kaneda’s different. If most people’s identity is sort of like a pile of stuff glued together from a bunch of different places, Kaneda’s is all of a piece and you can bounce rocks off of it. Which is weird, because from what Kai knows, it isn’t like Kaneda’s life has been much happier than anyone else’s, he and Tetsuo even grew up in the same place, and yet…
Maybe Kaneda did all the building-an-identity before all the rest of them came along, before Tetsuo even. Who tries to be like Kaneda, tries to be like the rest of them, fakes the attitude and goes out every night and mouths off to the teachers, but doesn’t pull it off, not quite. Has a look like he knows someone’s going to trip him up any second.
Kai tries not to think too much about this in particular because sometimes - mostly when he’s really tired or off his face - he starts to wonder if maybe it’s like that with him too, like everyone else can see he’s just built himself up from nothing, like it’s obvious he’s pretending to be… something or other. This is usually a sign he’s thinking too much. It’s certainly what Yamagata would tell him, if he ever knew Kai asked these kind of dumbshit questions. With Yamagata, it’s fine, he’d say Kai thinks too much and Kai would tell him he doesn’t think enough and then one of them would try and put the other in a headlock.
Tetsuo’s parents walked out on him, brought him to the children’s home and left him there (or someone did, Tetsuo can’t remember). Kai knows this because Tetsuo told him it, once when they were both kind of drunk. Kai could’ve risked saying, hey, me too. He could’ve told the story, how his folks just skipped town and he woke up and they were gone, how it was a good few days before - not that he remembers much of it, now, he thinks he had nightmares about it when he was small but now he doesn’t remember it, and he doesn’t really remember the nightmares, he just remembers being awake and crying, and being a kid who was making a fuss and needed to be brave. And it isn’t like he particularly wants to remember any of it. What’s the point?
He didn’t say that, he just said Man, that sucks, but I guess we’ve all got sob stories and started rambling about the music on the jukebox, which he sometimes feels kind of bad about, even though he’s got no reason to, it wasn’t like Tetsuo had a right to know his life story, and besides… he’s working really hard on pretending it never happened, it’s hardly like he wants to stick it right in the middle of the image he puts up. You should, too, he kind of wants to say to Tetsuo. There’s no sense in building up your shell and then painting a target on it.
four hard shells
[Title] Head Cases
[Fandom] Akira
[Rating] PG-13 for language, references to violence, drug-taking, references to broken homes, ablism
[Notes/Summary] They say a lot of stupid things about people like Kaneda and his friends.
Kaneda
They talk a lot of shit about kids who are in care, Kaneda figures. They mostly being cops and the principal and anyone else who’s mad about something he’s done. Which, okay, if you’re mad with someone, you’re probably going to talk shit about them, but that’s not the point.
The point is that sometimes - and it’s not just authority figures in his immediate circle, actually, it’s everyone, journalists and newsreaders and politicians sounding off about the delinquent epidemic sweeping the city’s youth - sometimes they go on about damaged children, who have never known a stable upbringing, never felt part of the fabric of society to which the rest of us belong, buried that sense of loss and abandonment under a hard shell of drug use and violence, and sometimes they’re all like ungrateful youths, who had a rough start in life but chose not to rise above it, chose to give in to their basest instincts, perpetuating the cycle... Kaneda’s kind of impressed he can remember even this much of it, he’s mostly zoned out ten minutes ago when they start in on him.
The point is that they make it all about how if you didn’t grow up in a happy home in the suburbs, with a mum and dad and probably a pet or something, then you’re some kind of headcase. Which Kaneda figures maybe makes sense if you started off with that and lost it -
Like Tetsuo, who hasn’t talked about his parents in years but the first thing everyone at the home knew about him was his mum and dad left him, who always drew pictures of houses and mums and dads and families, and then just figured everyone else would bail on him too, went round with a face like he wanted to be liked, and so of course everybody picked on him. Okay, sure, maybe the journalists and teachers and that are kind of right, with Tetsuo, maybe he is a little - not messed up in the head, but… maybe it had an effect. But, it wasn’t because of that that Tetsuo’s a biker and constantly in trouble at school. He’s a biker ‘cause he’s Kaneda’s friend, and he’s constantly in trouble because their school is a shithole. (Even some of the teachers used to pick on Tetsuo, in the way teachers sometimes do, like they could tell he had that just-wanting-to-be-liked face on underneath. Which makes it pretty funny when they start lecturing the kids about bad behaviour.)
But the point is, Kaneda never grew up with any stable home. His mum and dad died when he was like a year old, he doesn’t remember ‘em, doesn’t even have any pictures. If he has grandparents or aunts or uncles or anything it’s not like they bothered to make themselves known. So all his life he’s been in children’s homes and never known anything else, right? If he’s damaged, then if someone got into his brain and fixed him it would make him someone completely different. Whereas Tetsuo had had seven years of being not-messed-up and yet he’s the one with the… the stuff going on in his head.
The point is that the way those people talk, you’d figure every kid in care has a World-War-Three-style crater in their mind, and either they can’t dig their way out of it or they decide they don’t want to. Whereas from where Kaneda’s standing, it looks like most people do shit just because they want to, or because they never thought not to, or because their mum and dad told them to, or told them not to. Just makes people feel better to sound off like they know it all. Whereas anyone with an actual functioning brain would figure, hey, burning it down the highway at a hundred k an hour, having a drink, popping a pill, making out - you know what? That stuff is fun. And everyone goes after what they find fun, when it comes down to it. Just maybe kids like him aren’t afraid to admit it.
Tetsuo
Tetsuo thinks - well, he only thinks it late at night, when he’s kind of drunk, or he can’t sleep and he’s lying awake and the events of the evening, or some evening, or some day years ago, are on replay in his head - he sometimes thinks he actually must have something wrong in his head. He’d never say it out loud, because hell if he’s going to give people any more ammunition against him, but when you look at the facts…
Just, everyone else seems to… okay, have their shit together isn’t right, other people fuck up, or they’re stupid, or they get mad about stuff, but… it doesn’t seem to matter to them. Not deep down. Like they’re all turtles but he somehow ended up without a shell. Which is fucking stupid but he kind of feels it might be true.
He knows when he was a little kid he cried at everything and that meant everyone tried to make him cry more, he knows that, he tries not to think about it too much, it was ages ago, he was pathetic. And, okay, maybe that means part of him is still waiting to get jumped on again, just like that little kid always was, even though that’s pathetic, too. But that’s the whole point. He knows that when Kaneda was little, before they met, he got picked on by those same kids who pushed Tetsuo around. He said he did. (Could’ve been lying to make his wimpy best friend feel better.) But he said he did and it was probably true, those kids were assholes, they picked on all the little ones, so -
So why is it Kaneda never even seems to imagine that people might not like him? Just goes in there with a smile and a dirty joke and a plan to cause mayhem and it fucking works? How come he doesn’t ever think maybe... or what if... or… even though they grew up in the same place? Tetsuo can’t believe those jerks at the home, or the jerks in school, or the cops or the teachers or anyone ever chose to go easy on Kaneda, no one ever chooses to go easy on people if they don’t have to, so how come Kaneda didn’t let it get to him?
You just have to figure he’s got a thicker skin. A harder shell.
Tetsuo tries not to think about this too much because it always ends with the conclusion that guess I’m just fucked up, then, guess I’m pathetic, guess anyone could stomp me if they wanted, because how can you just make yourself grow that hard shell, if you didn’t get it by now? He tries and he keeps trying and it never works and by now, by now he’s so sick of trying, he’s so sick of all of it -
Sometimes, before he wrenches his mind onto something else, or goes to punch something that won’t punch him back, he wonders if there’s anything that could break through the shell Kaneda’s so lucky to have got. And what it’d be like if it did. That thought makes him feel better, sometimes.
Yamagata
You have an attitude problem, they’ve always told Yamagata, you should show respect for your elders and betters, you’re a troublemaker, you’re on a downward spiral and if you want to make anything of yourself... And blah blah blah, he’s heard it a thousand times and like any of them know anything.
Way Yamagata sees it, he has an attitude but he doesn’t have an attitude problem. As long as he can remember, if you don’t stand up for yourself, no one else is going to do it for you. Which is maybe what they mean when they talk about coming from a broken home, maybe other kids’ families don’t have knock-down storm-out wall-punching rows twenty-four-seven, but then, his friends are all in care properly, Kaneda’s never even known his parents, and they’re all on Yamagata’s side when it comes to this, they all know it’s them against the world. If Yamagata has an attitude it’s like because if people constantly chuck rocks at you, you’d put up a shield or a shell or something and chuck some back, right? That’s just sensible.
If Yamagata thinks about it - which he mostly only does in class ‘cause what the hell else is he going to do, listen to stuff he doesn’t understand which doesn’t matter? - if he thinks about it, he figures probably they’re… you know, on a scale of attitude problem-ness. Like, Kaneda mouths off when he wants to, and thinks most adults are morons, but he’s also pretty good at knowing when to lie (or… attempt to lie, his reputation sort of gets ahead of him these days) or keep something on the down-low. And, when they’re on the road, he’s the one who knows best about when to bring it, when to start a battle, and when to haul ass and regroup, which makes sense ‘cause he’s the leader. Sometimes people have said to Yamagata can’t believe you’re takin’ orders from someone else when they know he’s in a gang, which is bullshit, because, one, it’s not orders, not like they’re in the fucking army, and second, Yamagata doesn’t mind doing what Kaneda suggests because Kaneda mostly sort-of knows what he’s talking about. Yamagata’s pretty sure if it were him he’d probably have led them into some way more dicey situations. Or he’d have backed off when he didn’t need to and they’d be wusses. Kaneda seems to be able to walk the line.
Then, Kai on the other hand, Kai is probably smarter than the rest of them, and he tends to only mouth off at the teachers when they started it, but he isn’t a wimp. Some people might think he kind of is, but that’s because they don’t know he’s pretty clever. Clever people like Kai back off because it’s sensible. Wusses back off ‘cause they’re scared. Yamagata rarely backs off, because it won’t usually make it better, the other guy’ll just keep coming. Kaneda makes like he’s backing off, tells a lie that’s so outrageous it makes you stop and check you actually heard something that stupid, and then runs like hell or gets a hit in while you’re distracted.
Tetsuo backs off all the time. Like, not when they’re riding. He’s not always as good as the rest of them but he gets into the action. But up til recently when people gave him hassle, he’d only stand up to ‘em if Kaneda were around. See, that’s what pisses Yamagata off. People want him to have less of an attitude? That’d only mean he’s like Tetsuo, backing down just when he shouldn’t, waiting for someone else to fight his battles for him, and still failing classes in a dead-end vocational training school. At least Yamagata’s got some stuff he can be proud of. You’d think if you’ve got no parents at all you’d be better at fighting your own battles.
Tetsuo knows Yamagata thinks this, probably. He’ll give you a side-eyed glance if you call him out on acting like a loser, like he wants to punch you but doesn’t dare. One of these days, Yamagata’s gonna say, come on, do it, take a swing at me. One of them’s got to, after all. Kaneda won’t, maybe ‘cause he’s known Tetsuo so long, he’s used to him being like that, and Kai won’t, he’ll figure it isn’t worth the argument, but Yamagata figures at least if you have an attitude it means you get stuff sorted out. He might as well try and drag Tetsuo up to his level.
Kai
These days when the teachers are in full-on rant mode, Kai is just one of those troublemakers, the short one. Which is fine, it’s not like both of those things aren’t true. It was different when he first started hanging around with Kaneda and the others, the first time they got busted. A few people did try the line of you’re better than this, you could make something of yourself. Kai had let his grades slide even more after that, when the others had kept quoting back to him you could make something of yourself for like a full week. You can mark yourself out as a bit different, you can be late hitting puberty and short for your age and not dress like you just rolled out of bed, but you can’t push it too far.
He doesn’t quite know, sometimes, what’s the stuff he does because he wants to and what’s the stuff he does because everyone else is doing it and what’s the stuff he’d happily ditch except he likes not being a complete loner. He kind of tries not to think about it too much because it starts making him feel like he’s having an out-of-body experience (especially if he’s thinking about it while getting drunk or popping pills or trying to get through school on two hours’ sleep). It’s probably a stupid question to ask, anyway. Probably most people are in the same boat, building up a solid shell of an identity from who they hang out with. Maybe? But then he thinks of Kaneda, strolling through life like he set it up this way, like he was never anyone else but who he is, and figures maybe Kaneda’s different. If most people’s identity is sort of like a pile of stuff glued together from a bunch of different places, Kaneda’s is all of a piece and you can bounce rocks off of it. Which is weird, because from what Kai knows, it isn’t like Kaneda’s life has been much happier than anyone else’s, he and Tetsuo even grew up in the same place, and yet…
Maybe Kaneda did all the building-an-identity before all the rest of them came along, before Tetsuo even. Who tries to be like Kaneda, tries to be like the rest of them, fakes the attitude and goes out every night and mouths off to the teachers, but doesn’t pull it off, not quite. Has a look like he knows someone’s going to trip him up any second.
Kai tries not to think too much about this in particular because sometimes - mostly when he’s really tired or off his face - he starts to wonder if maybe it’s like that with him too, like everyone else can see he’s just built himself up from nothing, like it’s obvious he’s pretending to be… something or other. This is usually a sign he’s thinking too much. It’s certainly what Yamagata would tell him, if he ever knew Kai asked these kind of dumbshit questions. With Yamagata, it’s fine, he’d say Kai thinks too much and Kai would tell him he doesn’t think enough and then one of them would try and put the other in a headlock.
Tetsuo’s parents walked out on him, brought him to the children’s home and left him there (or someone did, Tetsuo can’t remember). Kai knows this because Tetsuo told him it, once when they were both kind of drunk. Kai could’ve risked saying, hey, me too. He could’ve told the story, how his folks just skipped town and he woke up and they were gone, how it was a good few days before - not that he remembers much of it, now, he thinks he had nightmares about it when he was small but now he doesn’t remember it, and he doesn’t really remember the nightmares, he just remembers being awake and crying, and being a kid who was making a fuss and needed to be brave. And it isn’t like he particularly wants to remember any of it. What’s the point?
He didn’t say that, he just said Man, that sucks, but I guess we’ve all got sob stories and started rambling about the music on the jukebox, which he sometimes feels kind of bad about, even though he’s got no reason to, it wasn’t like Tetsuo had a right to know his life story, and besides… he’s working really hard on pretending it never happened, it’s hardly like he wants to stick it right in the middle of the image he puts up. You should, too, he kind of wants to say to Tetsuo. There’s no sense in building up your shell and then painting a target on it.