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well I think I am gonna go back to lay down for a while and hopefully Nessa will call me back later......I needed to catch up on sleep....even though I always say you can't really get back sleep that you missed.................well.....teness do you really really worry that I am going to leave?......that is so weird.........and sad and worries me

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[absurd__]

It just really scares me.
Im scared Im going to make us fail if I dont get help for me.
I'm scared you'll get frastrated with helping me and leave.
Its happened before, how can I be 100% sure you wont do it.
It's scary.
I love you and the last thing I want is to be without you.

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teness what do you mean?..I am very confused...one minute you're yelling at me or upset with me but not yelling....well then the next you are saying it's your fault and that it's because of your bi-polar depression.....well I guess I answered something in just saying that.....well babe I don't know what you are doing right now, where you are, what you are thinking, or what....but I do know that I miss you so much all the sudden.....it just hit me....actually usually the cold weather change makes me very depressed....I really don't like the winter for that reason....it's a depressing season....I understan your depression maybe not to exact detail....but I do....I still think I am a little bipolar or something....that's why I am going to counseling...now I am not going to be able to go to counseling wednesday cause I have to work til 6 for the next 3 days....it sucks...I am not going to be able to do that or probably see you. things are really stressful right now but babe I want you to hang in there for me....I am so proud of your

[absurd__]

"I love you with all my heart....and I apologize for everything...and I say that now and I will hurt you again or upset you...it's just nature....I'm not perfect....but each time I upset you I learn what not to do and I learn how much it hurts to hurt you and that makes me try harder next time......you are what keeps me going....."

It shouldnt have to be that way. You should have to hurt and upset me to know when you've gone too far. You have no right to make me cry. You have no right to call me names and be so cruel. What you neglect to realize is it's those actions of yours that snap me back into reality. I can't live in a fucking fantasy world forever. I cant keep pretending everything is perfect even though I know it's far from it. I cant sit there and say "Oh everything is perfectly fine now because he's going to conceseling.(sp)" Because the truth is, it's not. And I'm not sure if it ever will be. You have to much going on in your mind, so much negativity. So many lies, that I dont know what to do with anymore. I dont mean

[absurd__]

I know hearing that upsets you. But I wont lie to you. You can tell everyone how unfair I am, or how ridicilous (sp). It doesnt really bug me. You could go around and tell everyone I'm the worst person in the world and trying to take your son away from you. When you know none of that is true for you in the first place. I wasnt the one that brought up court. I wouldnt bring you to court, but you are so easy to jump and bring that up to me. You act like I must be the worst person in the world or something. And I'm not. Or at least I dont think I am. Sorry I can't devote every second of my time to you. Thats what it feels like you want me to be doing .

I'm not sure if I've done the right thing in saying we can't be together. But I do want you to know that I wouldnt be doing this if I didnt love you. Because us could get potentionally really bad. I know you know this yourself. You do mean the world to me. But I can't be this scared, of your temper. That was something you promised you would have under control. I'm hoping like hell maybe