Myself for 30_spnsnaphots
Title: Myself
Author: verucasalt123
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Sam, Lucifer
Claim: Theme 01: Elemental
Theme: http://verucasalt123.livejournal.com/85331.html
Prompt(s): #07, Spirit
Rating: R
Disclaimer: These boys do not belong to me.
Summary: This is mine.
It’s going to stop. It is, it is, it absolutely is, I know it, it can’t just go on like this forever -
I am forever, Sammy, you know that
There’s something - yes, there is - something that makes it stop, even just for a little while. Dean doesn’t have to know.
Dean is going to know
Stop shaking, get control of yourself, I think, taking a deep breath and trying to ease into it. The scar on my hand is useless now, healed, despite my best efforts.
Dean’s out at the bar. Walking. I spare a second to wonder if he can make it back to the motel safely, as he will surely be completely hammered by the time he leaves. But that’s hours away, and it’s just me here
And me, I’m here too, you can’t forget about me, can you?
Maybe not, but I can make you go away for a while, I know that, gripping the liner-lock pocket knife I lifted from Dean’s duffel. He won’t see it here, we don’t walk around shirtless anymore, not since he can’t stand the sight of the mark on his shoulder, not since we don’t take off our clothes and…well, not since all that.
The first line is crooked, starting under my collarbone and following a diagonal trail about three inches down across the top of my chest. He is not going to break my spirit, not again, not again, not fucking ever again.
Sammy, darling, don’t make those kinds of marks on yourself, you know how beautiful I think you are
I use toilet paper to wipe up the blood flowing from that first cut, can’t use a towel, Dean will see a bloody towel. I don’t look, just start a second line, a little lower, a little longer, a little deeper.
You don’t want to see me? I’m hurt, Sam, I thought we had something”
More, then. This isn’t enough to make him disappear.
Another slice, more pressure, more blood, a perfectly straight line, my breath catches on the edge of the pain.
He’s talking again but I can’t hear him, he’s flickering, fading.
He doesn’t know, doesn’t understand, I’ve gotten it back, that spirit I used to have, broken and shattered in the Cage, it’s mine again now. Mine.
He can’t have it.
One more cut, just to be safe. I flush all the bloody toilet paper, let the wounds stop bleeding before I put my t-shirt back on.
He’s gone, and I’ve still got my brother, and I’ve still got me.
Not like he won’t be back. Fuck him. Come on back, I’ll keep slicing away but it’s only my body, not my soul, not the spirit that forces me back to reality when I call on its power.
Author: verucasalt123
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Sam, Lucifer
Claim: Theme 01: Elemental
Theme: http://verucasalt123.livejournal.com/85331.html
Prompt(s): #07, Spirit
Rating: R
Disclaimer: These boys do not belong to me.
Summary: This is mine.
It’s going to stop. It is, it is, it absolutely is, I know it, it can’t just go on like this forever -
I am forever, Sammy, you know that
There’s something - yes, there is - something that makes it stop, even just for a little while. Dean doesn’t have to know.
Dean is going to know
Stop shaking, get control of yourself, I think, taking a deep breath and trying to ease into it. The scar on my hand is useless now, healed, despite my best efforts.
Dean’s out at the bar. Walking. I spare a second to wonder if he can make it back to the motel safely, as he will surely be completely hammered by the time he leaves. But that’s hours away, and it’s just me here
And me, I’m here too, you can’t forget about me, can you?
Maybe not, but I can make you go away for a while, I know that, gripping the liner-lock pocket knife I lifted from Dean’s duffel. He won’t see it here, we don’t walk around shirtless anymore, not since he can’t stand the sight of the mark on his shoulder, not since we don’t take off our clothes and…well, not since all that.
The first line is crooked, starting under my collarbone and following a diagonal trail about three inches down across the top of my chest. He is not going to break my spirit, not again, not again, not fucking ever again.
Sammy, darling, don’t make those kinds of marks on yourself, you know how beautiful I think you are
I use toilet paper to wipe up the blood flowing from that first cut, can’t use a towel, Dean will see a bloody towel. I don’t look, just start a second line, a little lower, a little longer, a little deeper.
You don’t want to see me? I’m hurt, Sam, I thought we had something”
More, then. This isn’t enough to make him disappear.
Another slice, more pressure, more blood, a perfectly straight line, my breath catches on the edge of the pain.
He’s talking again but I can’t hear him, he’s flickering, fading.
He doesn’t know, doesn’t understand, I’ve gotten it back, that spirit I used to have, broken and shattered in the Cage, it’s mine again now. Mine.
He can’t have it.
One more cut, just to be safe. I flush all the bloody toilet paper, let the wounds stop bleeding before I put my t-shirt back on.
He’s gone, and I’ve still got my brother, and I’ve still got me.
Not like he won’t be back. Fuck him. Come on back, I’ll keep slicing away but it’s only my body, not my soul, not the spirit that forces me back to reality when I call on its power.