Four popular performers on the radio, and a guy with horns and a goat's ass.
"I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa." -- Frank Zappa
This is the sort of fiction that gets written by a person who finally snaps after having to listen to The Blend on Sirius at work every day for months on end.
"Hello, John. So, you've got this song called 'Heartbreak Warfare' on the air, and you're trying to promote yourself as a bad boy, but you've only managed to portray yourself as a douchebag, and a boring douchebag at that. And yet, your song remains in heavy rotation. You know why that is, right?"
"Yes, Your Highness."
"Please, don't be so formal. We're on first name terms now. Call me Satan. And you know what you have to do to keep your song in heavy rotation, right?"
"Yes. Satan."
(Insert sounds of much slurping and infernal moaning and groaning, followed with a few "oh, gods." Yes, the Devil screams "oh, god" during. Why wouldn't he? Though that does bring up the question of what God might scream during... but I digress.)
"Thank you John. You've definitely earned it this time. Same time next month?"
"Hello, Christina. I see you have this song called 'Jar of Hearts' on the air, and you've tried to make it about a guy you hate trying to hook up with you again. Unfortunately, it's kinda terrible. 'You're gonna catch a cold?' 'Who do you think you are?' You sound like a whiny angst-ridden mother trying to scold an unruly child. And yet, your song remains in heavy rotation. You know why that is, right?"
"Yes, Your Highness."
"Why does everyone call me that? Is 'Satan' really so difficult to pronounce? And really, I never wanted this throne in the first place! Anyway, you know what you have to do to keep your song in heavy rotation, right?"
"Yes, Satan."
(Insert more sounds of much slurping and infernal moaning and groaning, followed with a few more "oh, gods" at the finish.)
"Thank you Christina. John Mayer was much better. Same time next month?"
"Taylor Swift? You're in a little early, don't you think? You were just here last week!"
"Hi, Dev, whassup? I have four songs in heavy rotation, and I want to keep them there."
"Four? Oh, yes, I'd forgotten. I really need to hire a secretary. I should have one of my junior demons get me Kanye's resume..."
"Less talking, more unzipping."
"...but that can wait. Anyway, since you're so eager to get started..."
"Hello, Elton. You've got this really annoying song called 'Blessed,' on heavy rotation. You know why that is, right?"
"Yes, sir. Because I'm a name, I can sing without autotune, and I can actually write."
"I'm afraid so. Damned loopholes. Anyway, that particular loophole only gives you a year for that particular song. After that, if you want that song to keep playing in heavy rotation, you'll have to earn it with blowjobs like the rest of those losers who come into my office."
"In your dreams, sir. I'll have written another hit single by then."
"We understand each other, then. As always. Good day, sir."
This is the sort of fiction that gets written by a person who finally snaps after having to listen to The Blend on Sirius at work every day for months on end.
"Hello, John. So, you've got this song called 'Heartbreak Warfare' on the air, and you're trying to promote yourself as a bad boy, but you've only managed to portray yourself as a douchebag, and a boring douchebag at that. And yet, your song remains in heavy rotation. You know why that is, right?"
"Yes, Your Highness."
"Please, don't be so formal. We're on first name terms now. Call me Satan. And you know what you have to do to keep your song in heavy rotation, right?"
"Yes. Satan."
(Insert sounds of much slurping and infernal moaning and groaning, followed with a few "oh, gods." Yes, the Devil screams "oh, god" during. Why wouldn't he? Though that does bring up the question of what God might scream during... but I digress.)
"Thank you John. You've definitely earned it this time. Same time next month?"
"Hello, Christina. I see you have this song called 'Jar of Hearts' on the air, and you've tried to make it about a guy you hate trying to hook up with you again. Unfortunately, it's kinda terrible. 'You're gonna catch a cold?' 'Who do you think you are?' You sound like a whiny angst-ridden mother trying to scold an unruly child. And yet, your song remains in heavy rotation. You know why that is, right?"
"Yes, Your Highness."
"Why does everyone call me that? Is 'Satan' really so difficult to pronounce? And really, I never wanted this throne in the first place! Anyway, you know what you have to do to keep your song in heavy rotation, right?"
"Yes, Satan."
(Insert more sounds of much slurping and infernal moaning and groaning, followed with a few more "oh, gods" at the finish.)
"Thank you Christina. John Mayer was much better. Same time next month?"
"Taylor Swift? You're in a little early, don't you think? You were just here last week!"
"Hi, Dev, whassup? I have four songs in heavy rotation, and I want to keep them there."
"Four? Oh, yes, I'd forgotten. I really need to hire a secretary. I should have one of my junior demons get me Kanye's resume..."
"Less talking, more unzipping."
"...but that can wait. Anyway, since you're so eager to get started..."
"Hello, Elton. You've got this really annoying song called 'Blessed,' on heavy rotation. You know why that is, right?"
"Yes, sir. Because I'm a name, I can sing without autotune, and I can actually write."
"I'm afraid so. Damned loopholes. Anyway, that particular loophole only gives you a year for that particular song. After that, if you want that song to keep playing in heavy rotation, you'll have to earn it with blowjobs like the rest of those losers who come into my office."
"In your dreams, sir. I'll have written another hit single by then."
"We understand each other, then. As always. Good day, sir."