Jubilee - Revised Version
Title: Jubilee - Revised Version
Author: vicar_dibley
Fandom: Star Trek Voyager
Character/Pairing: Janeway/Seven
Disclaimer: The characters and the lyrics I used do not belong to me. I just had to write the story and play with them.
Spoilers: None
Summary: A song fic
Notes: The mistakes are all mine. English is not my first language but I hope you like it anyway. Comments are very welcome. The song I used is from Mary-Chapin Carpenter.
Jubilee
They meant well, she knew. For her, occasions like this were a harsh reminder of her failings as a Starfleet officer and their captain. She didn’t feel like celebrating, not today, not ever as far as she was concerned. But the whole crew put so much effort in this anniversary so who was she to deny them a celebration. Captain Kathryn Janeway knew the smile she displayed for the crew’s sake was fake. Twenty-five years of being a Starfleet officer and what has she actually accomplished since her graduation from the academy? The only achievement she could think of was stranding her crew in the most forsaken and most dangerous quadrant of the universe. So much had happened since she made the decision to destroy the caretaker’s array. So many people have died because of her and her high morals. No, she definitely didn’t feel like celebrating. Smiling at a few more well-wishers Kathryn decided to take a walk around the holoreplic of her mother’s farm in Indiana, which was just another reminder of her failure.
Her steps led her away from the crowd, thus Kathryn didn’t see the lone figure hidden in the shadows of an old tree who watched her with concerned eyes.
Seven knew something wasn’t quite right from the moment she had walked through the doors of holodeck one and had taken a look at Captain Janeway. The captain was smiling at the people but her smile never reached her eyes. The captain’s eyes were a stormy grey not the brilliant blue, as they would have been if the captain would have been really happy. Seven knew what the captain was thinking and she could image what the small redhead was feeling, defeat and guilt in such great proportions it even showed in her posture.
Seven did not know much about human feelings, behaviour and intentions but today she knew for sure that this celebration was so much more than a mere anniversary. It was a `Thank you´ from the crew to their Captain for all those years of her quite formidable leadership. For keeping them safe and for her continuing efforts to bring them home. This was the way these people, who had become her collective, saw their captain. Even if the Captain herself could only see her failures.
Seven wished she had the words to tell the older woman that she understood and that each and every member of her crew regarded her as the wonderful human being that she was. She remembered a song from Voyager’s database. It was from the 20th century and had all the words Seven herself didn’t have to express her innermost feelings. With determined steps she strode towards the computer console and ordered the computer to play the music of a song called “Jubilee”. When the opening tunes were completed Seven joined in with her clear voice and as soon as the crew heard the first words all conversation died down and finally stopped completely. Even the captain, still apart from where the crowd was gathered, turned around and listened as Seven was singing and slowly began walking towards her.
I can tell by the way you’re walking, that you don’t want company
I’ll let you alone and I’ll let you walk on and in your own good time you’ll be
Back where the sun can find you, under the wise wishing tree
And with all of them made we’ll lie under the shade and call it a jubilee
And I can tell by the way you’re talking, that the past isn’t letting you go
There’s only so long you can take it all on, then the wrongs gotta be on its own
And when you’re ready to leave it behind you, you’ll look back and all that you’ll see
Is the wreckage and rust that you left in the dust on your way to the jubilee
And I can tell by the way you’re listening, that you’re still expecting to hear
Your name being called like a summons to all who have failed to account
For their doubts and their fears, they can’t add up to much without you
And so if it were just up to me I’d take hold of your hand
Saying come hear the band play your song at the jubilee
And I can tell by the way you’re searching, for something you can’t even name
That you haven’t been able to come to the table, simply glad that you came
When you feel like this try to imagine that we’re all like frail boats on the sea
Just scanning the night for that great guiding light announcing the jubilee
Standing now in front of the Captain, looking into her eyes and seeing her tear stained cheeks Seven sang:
And I can tell by the way you’re standing with your eyes filling with tears
That it’s habit alone that keeps you turning for home, even though your home is right here
Where the people who love you are gathered, under the wise wishing tree
May we all be considered then straight on delivered down to the jubilee
Because the people who love you are waiting, and they’ll wait just as long as need be
When we look back and say those were halcyon days
We’re talking about jubilee…
As the music began to fade Seven slowly raised her human hand to rest it against Kathryn’s cheek and with her thumb she tenderly wiped away the last remains of the tears. Seven’s touch felt so right like nothing ever had. Kathryn felt as if those ice blue eyes were able to look into her very soul. Maybe they could. If this song was an indication then they could for sure.
Seven always had a way to look behind her command mask, to get past those impenetrable walls she had so carefully constructed over the years. Even when they argued Seven was able to ignite this special fire of passion within her. She intrigued Kathryn. She had done so from the very first moment they had met.
Initially it had been her Borg arrogance, her self-confidence. After she had ordered to severe the link to the hive mind it had been the vulnerability Seven had displayed in the brig. Her compassion and refreshing point of view on everything. This woman had touched her heart, her soul. Seven had taken her heart and there was no way of getting it back any time soon, not that she ever wanted to. But despite all that, Captain Janeway wasn’t ready to admit that even a Starfleet Captain needed somebody. Somebody to share the heavy load she carried so willingly. All she could think of was that she had to be strong for her crew, not knowing that her crew needed to see their leader as a human being with all the wants and desires like everybody else. Captain Janeway internally cursed herself for her public display of emotions.
The Captain, never taking her eyes from Sevens, took a step backwards breaking the contact with Seven’s hand, turned on her heels and with as much grace as she could muster left the holodeck.
With a heartbreakingly sad expression Seven watched the Captain depart. She let her hand fall to her side, still feeling the moisture of Kathryn’s tears and the warmth of her skin. When she met the eyes of her crewmates she felt like running herself. There were a lot of different emotions clearly visible in each of their faces. The most surprising thing was that she couldn’t find even one display of hatred directed at her. Except for Chakotay, who had never trusted her, had never wanted her on board. For the first time, since becoming human again, she truly understood what Kathryn had tried to make her see when she had asked her to embrace her own humanity.
Kathryn wanted her to see and feel friendship, compassion, but most of all love. And now she knew that Voyager’s crew did feel those things, even towards her. Wearing your heart on the sleeve obviously does that to people, Seven mused. However the only person that really mattered did not seem to appreciate it.
She should have known better. Kathryn Janeway was a very private person. Being romanced in front of her entire crew was not the way to the Captain’s heart. What had she been thinking, really. Seven had to admit that she hadn’t thought at all. It had not been planed, it had been a spontaneous decision to sing this song. Feeling lost and alone was something very familiar to her and she had wanted to make Kathryn see that it did not have to be that way for her any longer. Obviously she had made a mistake, considering Kathryn’s reaction.
While Seven still contemplated her mistake, B´Elanna thought of a way to make Seven go after the Captain. She had been floored by Seven’s performance, to say the least, but she knew she shouldn’t have been surprised at all. Sure B´Elanna had been the first who had called Seven “Ice Queen” but after some time she had changed her attitude. Hell, even little Naomi Wildman had known better.
The Captain had never doubted her at all, she had always seen what nobody else was able to see. Captain Janeway also was the only one who had taken the time to look past all that harsh Borg exterior and cold demeanour. Janeway herself was very much like that herself, cool, controlled and never weak or even truly human, like the rest of them. Only during her legendary arguments with Seven a little of her fire and passion showed through that command mask of hers.
B´Elanna had to admit that Seven really had a way to push holes into their admired leader’s carefully erected walls of self-preservation. After seven years of being the Captain, B´Elanna thought it was time for Janeway to be Kathryn again. If Seven was the one who could do that, then why the hell not surrender. Captain Janeway never surrendered that much B´Elanna knew for certain. But Seven was Borg, wasn’t she and with a Borg “Resistance was futile” wasn’t it? Smirking at that thought B´Elanna made her way over to where Seven still stood, looking lost.
Hearing someone approach Seven lifted her eyes to find Lt. Torres on her way towards her. Stealing herself for some snide remark from the Lieutenant Seven clasped her hands behind her back, displaying her usual detached Borg demeanour.
“Seven that was really a beautiful song”, B´Elanna said with an honest smile.
“Thank you, Lt. Torres. The Captain obviously does not share your assessment”, Seven replied with a coldness B´Elanna hadn’t witnessed for quite a while. Identifying it for what it truly was, a defence mechanism, B´Elanna wouldn’t back down. B´Elanna, knowing Seven’s appreciation for bluntness, decided to try a rather straight approach.
Looking into those incredibly pale blue eyes, which completely lacked the warmth they had shown just seconds ago when gazing into Janeway´s, B´Elanna said softly: “You are in love with her.”
It wasn’t a question, merely the stating of a fact.
Seven knew she could deny it but she did not want to anymore. She was tired of running, tired of hiding behind her Borgness and most of all she was tired of being lonely. Instead of an answer she let the tear that was threatening to fall since the Captain’s hasty exit slid down her cheek.
At the other side of the holodeck Commander Chakotay still couldn’t believe what he had just witnessed. Kathryn Janeway had been courted by this Borg in front of the entire crew. How dare she? Kathryn was his. Why else would she keep inviting him to dinner, allow him to call her by her first name? She wasn’t ready to admit it but he was sure, that given time, Kathryn would know that he was the only one for her. He and not this arrogant, inhuman Borg drone. Turning on his heels, with a last spiteful glance towards Seven, Chakotay left the holodeck in search for the Captain.
Back in her quarters Captain Janeway walked straight to the replicator and ordered a double whiskey. Draining the glass in one big gulp she ordered another one, which she took to the couch. With a sigh she lowered herself on the cushion and closed her eyes, resting the whiskey on one of her thighs. Closing her eyes brought back vivid memories of the most beautiful and loving ice blue eyes she had ever seen and the gentle touch of a warm hand on her cheek.
Who would have thought Seven of Nine could be capable of such tenderness, such deep emotions? You knew, didn’t you? Since the moment you had held her in your arms on that fateful day in the brig, so long ago.
Thinking of that day brought a smile to Kathryn’s lips. Even in her Borg armour and after all those spiteful threats Seven had thrown at her, she had known it had been the right decision to severe her from the hive mind. Not once had there been any regrets, not even when all those personalities had surfaced. The only regret had been the pain it had caused Seven by living through those memories again. As if she hadn’t suffered enough through the hands of the Borg.
Today was the testament of what she, Kathryn Janeway, had known all along. That beneath that cold Borg exterior lay the gentlest of hearts anybody could think of.
What Seven had done for you on the holodeck was clear proof and by doing so she had demonstrated how easily she could get under your skin and behind your command mask. Oh Katie, you never would have thought that it would take a former Borg drone to do just that. To look into your very soul, knocking down all those carefully erected walls around your heart. Who are you kidding Katie girl, she had done it right from the start when she stepped down from that Borg cube and the first time you consciously were aware of it was in the brig when you refused to let her go. You even went after her and brought her back from the Borg Queen herself. Letting her go had never been an option.
Rightfully so, no one takes what’s yours. I don’t own her, she is not my property, she countered. But you sure as hell didn’t go that far to get her, to give her up that easily, didn’t you? Oh Katie, you got it bad.
Leading her towards one of the tables that have been placed under the shade of a tree, B´Elanna didn’t let go of Sevens arm, until she was sure Seven was sitting safely in one of the chairs in a rather private part of the replication of the Janeway home in Indiana. Taking a seat opposite Seven, B´Elanna watched her silently before she said with a quiet voice: “You caught her off guard, you know. She doesn’t take it well, being found out, especially in front of her crew.”
Lifting her eyes from her lap Seven, still surprised by B´Elanna`s kindness, finally found her voice: “Why are you being so nice to me? You have never been kind to me before. Why now?”
Disgusted by her own behaviour B´Elanna answered honestly: “I was jealous.”
“Of me? I do not understand. Explain!”
“You really don’t have a clue, do you? I mean look at you! You are gorgeous, being all tall, blonde, blue eyed and incredibly intelligent.”
“Beauty is irrelevant”, Seven stated automatically in her typical Borg manner.
“Really”, B´Elanna retorted, not quite believing it. “So you don’t think the Captain is an attractive woman?”
“Of course she is”, Seven passionately answered. “Captain Janeway is the most beautiful woman on Voyager.” Lowering her eyes, Seven stared again at her hands, neatly folded on her lap as it was her way.
“That she is”, B´Elanna agreed. “And why I was jealous as hell.”
Sensing Sevens confusion, B´Elanna went on with her explanation.
“It wasn’t the romantic kind of jealousy. Until I came to Voyager, I was always so angry, I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. Like I was never good enough to be a part of any community. Then out of the blue, Voyager and her Captain happened. She represented everything I despised. But Captain Janeway gave me the chance to prove myself, I guess she expected me to screw it up and that made me work even harder. Before I knew it, it was her approval and appreciation I was seeking in everything I did. You know what, I got it. And it felt really good, until the day we came across your cube. From that day everything changed, at least that’s what I thought. I felt as if everything I worked so hard for wasn’t worth anything because whatever I could do, you could do so much better. You didn’t have to work hard to get her attention and approval because you had it right from the start. Once again I felt like the ugly older sister, once again ignored by her mother.”
“Mother?”
“Yeah”, B´Elanna laughed. “That’s what it was, what it is. No matter what I did, for my mother it was never enough. With Captain Janeway it was like a second chance. So what I felt towards you was in some twisted way a sibling’s rivalry. It took me a very long time to realise it and to come to terms with it.”
“I still do not understand, Lt. Torres”, Seven persisted. “I’ve always regarded the Captain as my mentor but I assure you that I never thought of Captain Janeway as a surrogate mother.”
“You made that quite clear today, if I may say so”, B´Elanna agreed with a smile. “I didn’t think you had it in you.”
“To have what `in me´?”
Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, B´Elanna answered: “It’s a figure of speech, Seven. It means that I would have never thought that you would express your feelings in front of the whole crew, and in such an eloquent way.”
“It was not my intention to do so. I just … I thought …”, frustrated by her inability to express herself Seven stopped with a sigh.
“You shouldn’t tell me. You should go and tell the Captain.”
Seven’s head snapped up and her eyes found B´Elanna`s. B´Elanna had never seen Seven so scared.
“No, I can not … if I do that… no”, Seven stammered. “I did enough today. I do not want to make her more uncomfortable than I already did.”
“Listen, Seven”, B´Elanna insisted, grasping Seven’s hands. “Granted, you caught her off guard with your song, your touch. But Seven, don’t let her run away. If I know our good Captain and I believe I do, it is exactly what she will do. Running from the only person with whom she could be more than just Captain. I will never understand why but Captain Janeway has convinced herself that as long as we are out here that’s the only thing she can ever be. Chakotay once thought he could change her mind, but honestly it wasn’t much of a surprise that he couldn’t. She needs you Seven. She needs to be Kathryn and don’t ask me how, but I know with you she can be exactly that. It’s a risk to wear your heart on your sleeve, so to speak, but you did well today. If you really love her and I’m sure you do, it’s worth trying and make her stop running.”
Looking into B´Elanna´s eyes and finding only sincere friendship there, Seven stood with more courage than she actually felt. With renewed determination she left the holodeck to talk to the Captain.
On his way to the Captain’s quarters, Chakotay relived the ridiculous song. Seven had been singing on the holodeck and with each step he got even more agitated, remembering Sevens hand on Kathryn’s cheek at the end of the song.
That presumptuous, arrogant piece of Borg trash. How dare she? Since the day she came on board, she constantly got between him and Kathryn. He was sure that Kathryn couldn’t possibly see more in Seven than another of her interesting projects. Another stray she had found along the road on her way back home. Something to occupy her time, challenging sure, but nothing else. Seven was just a Borg drone, not even fully human and she will never be. He knew he should have tossed her into space when he had the opportunity to do so.
Coming to a stop in front of the Captain’s quarters, Chakotay didn’t bother with the chime. Overriding the command sequence he entered the dark quarters only illuminated by the passing stars. Chakotay´s gaze wandered across the room until he finally found what he had been looking for.
The Captain was sitting on her couch, her head rested on the back of the cushion and her eyes were closed. In her right hand she still held the glass with her untouched second whiskey. It was obvious that Kathryn hadn’t heard him enter, so he made his way over to the couch, standing in front of the Captain, silently observing her. Sensing a presence in her quarters Captain Janeway suddenly opened her eyes and with a startled: “What the hell do you think you are doing here?” she sat up straight.
“Kathryn.”
Janeway got up and walked to the replicator to get rid of her glass to put more distance between herself and the Commander.
“I asked you something, Commander. Since when is it customary to enter the quarters of a superior officer unannounced?” Her voice was unusually harsh.
Taking a step towards Kathryn, but stopping when she held up a hand Chakotay answered with a hurt tone in his voice: “I apologise, Kathryn. But have you ever asked Seven the same question?”
Fuming at his impertinence, Kathryn lowered her voice to a dangerous growl: “I only say this once, don’t try such a stunt again.”
Chakotay should have known better but he was determined to clear this once and for all, so he threw caution to the wind.
“You could never find anything wrong in anything she did, even when it was obvious even for a blind man. You always were the first to find an excuse for her. I don’t get it Kathryn. What’s wrong with you? She humiliated you in front of the entire crew and your only reaction was to leave without a word.”
Puzzled by Chakotay´s words Kathryn answered with steal in her voice: “First of all, Seven never, not even once pulled a stunt like you just did. Second, being humiliated by Seven or not isn’t your concern. What she does or does not is between Seven of Nine and myself. Especially private matters. If there is nothing else, I would like you to leave.”
Not believing what he had just heard, Chakotay took another step towards the Captain, grasping her upper arms with strong hands, he shook her and nearly yelled: “It is my concern. I love you, Kathryn. She is nothing.”
That did it, she had enough of his stupid attempts to embark on a relationship and of his disregard of Seven as a human being.
Pushing Chakotay away and without any hesitation she said in a quite and steady voice: “She is everything.”
“I love you, Kathryn”, Chakotay repeated desperately.
Softening her gaze and her tone, Kathryn answered: “I’m sorry, Commander. You are a very dear friend and I really appreciate your friendship but that is all that is ever going to be.”
“I don’t want your friendship”, he snapped. “I want you. I thought I made that quite clear on New Earth.”
“I can’t be what you want me to be, Chakotay. We were never meant to be”, Kathryn said with certainty.
“But you and that Borg are meant to be? Is that what you are trying to say? How can you even seriously consider somebody like her as a romantic partner. I don’t get it. She is aloof, cold, arrogant, not really human, she doesn’t even know what it means to love somebody. She is a machine, a quite intelligent machine I admit. But that is all she is. You can never truly trust her, Kathryn. Do I still have to remind you what she said when you severed her link from the hive, `I will betray you´. Kathryn, you deserve better than a thing like that. She is nothing.”
With a gaze cold as ice and barely controlled fury she ordered the computer to open the door to her quarters and with a calmness she didn’t really feel she said to the Commander: “Get out of here, now!”
This was the very same moment Seven stepped out of the turbolift on Deck 3, where the Captain`s quarters were located. Stopping a few steps from the Captain’s door Seven heard the rather distinct voice of the Captain with an underlying anger say: “Get out of here, now!”
Worried for Janeway`s security, Seven rushed ahead and arrived at the Captain’s quarter just in time to watch Commander Chakotay retreat from the inside. With his back to Seven, he said with emphasis: “Kathryn, please, think about it. You deserve better than her. An unfeeling Borg is unworthy of you.”
Seven was familiar with the Commander`s dislike of her but she had never heard him pronounce it with such disgust. What made her stop dead in her tracks was the Captain, who was still unaware of Seven’s presence.
“It’s me who is unworthy of her. I don’t deserve her. You will never understand, will you?” Stepping out of her quarters, standing right in front of Chakotay, looking into his dark eyes Janeway continued: “I knew it from the moment she stepped down from that cube. She was awesome, even then, she was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid my eyes on. Graceful,
confident, arrogant and enchanting. She is my destiny, my fate.”
“What the hell did she do to you?”
Out of the corner of her eye Janeway could see another person in the hallway, turning her head slightly to the right she was gazing into the most beautiful eyes in the universe. Keeping her grey-blue eyes locked with those of Seven and with a sudden feeling of absolute soul-
encompassing peace, holding her heart in the palm of her hand, Kathryn wanted Seven to know the truth.
“She did nothing to me, Chakotay. Not in the way, you may think. And she did everything. I
was a fool to believe someone like me could teach her anything about humanity.” Never breaking contact with Seven’s eyes, Kathryn continued without missing a beat.
“It took me a long time to realise that it was the other way round. Seven, not only once but uncountable times, reminded me of what it means to be human. She reminded me of everything I’ve always believed in. Most of all, she gave me back the passion and the fire I had lost, after stranding Voyager out here. When we were discussing certain aspects of being human, even when we had our famous confrontations I felt alive again. I felt my fire being fuelled and ignited. I don’t know how often she made me want to throw her out of the nearest airlock because of her stubbornness. But, oh, how good it felt to be alive once again. To feel that thrill of a challenge again. Don’t you see Chakotay, she gave me back a very big part of who I am. That’s one of the reasons I will always be grateful to her.”
Chakotay couldn’t believe his ears: “She never respected anything about Starfleet. She even refused to acknowledge the chain of command. She doesn’t even respect your rank, it’s nothing to her.”
“She doesn’t, does she? And at the same time she has always been the most loyal one on Voyager. Everything she did against my orders, she only did in order to protect me. I must admit, it took me a while to get there, but that’s who she is. No malice, no lies, no second thoughts, no games, no falsehood. But you are right, she never did anything for the ideals of Starfleet, not even out of respect for my four pips, isn’t that right Seven?” Janeway agreed with a smile.
Not quite sure, if this was a rhetorical question or not, Seven decided to remain silent. It had been the right decision, she concluded, when the Captain went on.
“There’s another aspect of being with Seven that I like. Seeing things through her eyes was a revelation. Wonder and innocence, joy and a never ending curiosity. That was a gift I will always cherish.”
“So you are grateful, fine be grateful. But that doesn’t mean you are in love with her.” Chakotay was nothing if not persistent.
“Oh, Chakotay. All these are the reasons I love her with all that I am. I was lost and she found me. I was damaged and she made me whole again.” Walking over to where Seven stood, Janeway lifted a hand and placed it against Seven’s cheek, feeling the soft, cool skin. Closing her eyes at that unexpected and gentle touch, Seven whispered: “I will always find you, Kathryn. I love you.”
“I know you will. I love you too, my darling.”
The End