Rock Bottom
Title: Rock Bottom
Summary: "Humans are strange creatures, aren't they? When you hit rock bottom, you can't stop laughing." ...And oh, how Izaya laughs.
"Humans are strange creatures, aren't they? When you hit rock bottom, you can't stop laughing."
-Bluejam, One Piece episode 501
When Izaya was in elementary school, he was actually quite a solemn child. At that point in time he looked upon the world not as a source of amusement, but as a tiresome chore he was forced to deal with. Humans weren't lovable; they were nuisances. Nothing really mattered.
Well, at some point, it got boring acting like that all the time. After all, Izaya needed some way to spend his time, so he decided to start people-watching. And in result, as he entered middle school, Izaya experienced his first love. Not for any of the girls in his class, but for all of them - the boys too, and teachers. Everyone. Izaya, just emerging from his shell of distaste, fell in love with humanity during the difficult process of puberty.
He still disliked just about everything else though. And to say he was in love with humanity didn't mean that he was especially thrilled about any individual humans. But, again, it was too boring to be totally uninvolved, and during his people-watching he had fallen in love with humanity because of all the wonderful reactions humans made. So Izaya altered his personality, in order to provoke more reactions, in order to test the humans he loved so much.
It wasn't actually such a difficult switch. So little of Izaya felt genuine anyway, it was no chore to amp up the pretense, to smile and act crazy and mess with people when he really felt sort of like spitting on their shoes. Izaya had no difficulty changing himself, and in fact actually began to enjoy his new actions quite swiftly. It was fun, screwing with people's heads.
Eventually, it was all fun. The life he crafted for himself, the information he gathered, and most of all the reactions he provoked. Izaya absolutely lived for that thrill. It was all that gave him satisfaction in life, so he made the most of it and twisted his own self further and further from normal, all in search of provoking the best reactions amongst the humans he so loved.
And then he met Shizuo. Right from the start - it was like they were meant to be. Perfect enemies, foils, black and white, both so far from normal, so ridiculous and fearsome and like lightning whenever they fought, or a black hole or the birth of a star, or some other fantastic event -and oh the reactions they created. Even aside from Shizuo himself (who was endlessly entertaining on an impossible number of levels), the reactions of the people around them who witnessed their fights practically made Izaya salivate. Whatever people might think or do when they saw only one of the duo, the effect of the two of them together promised at least double the fun, if not more.
Izaya's actions throughout much of high school were a direct result of this. By the time he entered the adult world, he'd already made up his mind what he wanted to do, and it wasn't university. Izaya dove into the criminal underworld and it suited him like water does a fish; he quickly rose to the top as an informant, and honestly loved the work. It exercised his mind and oftentimes his body, a definite plus, but more than that he was able to manipulate the humans around him with near-complete freedom. He could do most anything to his chosen victims, and laugh at them all the while. Izaya was more in love than ever and truly believed himself happy, when he began to fall apart.
Typically enough, Shizuo started Izaya's unraveling - though the brute didn't know it (and never would, if Izaya had any say) he'd already defeated his enemy long ago. Nothing special, just a blow that came a little too close, a death threat that sounded a little too real, and on the same day that Izaya happened to observe Shiki shooting a man dead. The shooting wasn't common for Izaya, but it wasn't the first time he'd seen one either, and never before had they bothered him like this one did. He knew that he was too clever to end up as one of those people on the wrong side of the yakuza's guns - but Shizuo was another matter, and fear began to creep up Izaya's spine.
Fear, and something else.
Suddenly, everything seemed bleak to Izaya. He was going to die, he realized suddenly, and whether it was by Shizuo's hand or of old age the end result would be the same - he'd be gone. He'd be dead, and whether that meant heaven or hell or something else altogether, no one knew, but there was the very real possibility that Izaya might completely cease to be.
Everyone died. There was no way around it. So… what was the point, really? There were all those stupid sayings about 'live life without regrets' and 'live like it's your last day' but no one actually did that, too afraid of the possible repercussions or perhaps just too sensible. And in any case, Izaya didn't really have anything he could definitively point to as making his life 'worth living'. In the beginning, after all, he had hated everything, and that had never really changed. Life disgusted Izaya, he remembered suddenly, including humans. Life was boring and annoying and really not worth it except that suicide was a stupid decision. Izaya didn't have anything that made his life worth living because he hated nearly everything about his life, but he was too scared to die because he didn't want to disappear.
For years he'd pretended otherwise. He'd lashed out at other people and found amusement in their reactions - and then, desperate for something, Izaya had focused on that weak emotion, had made it the center and defining point for his entire life, had destroyed any chance he ever had of being normal or truly happy. He really had twisted his personality too far, or maybe it had been too flawed from the very beginning, but the bottom line remained the same, and Izaya quite simply broke on realizing this. Something essential within him snapped right in two.
And he laughed.
He laughed like a madman, cackling and kicking his feet until tears streamed from his eyes and he couldn't even breathe. Humans were so endlessly amusing, weren't they? He laughed softly, voice breaking but unable to stop. The best thing about humans was their infinite capability for self-destruction. He laughed into his hands, as though crying, and maybe in place of crying, shoulders shaking. He was a human too.
Izaya laughed.
And when he was done, he surveyed his options quite calmly. The best part was, he couldn't change himself anymore. He'd come too far, and there was no way back. So he wouldn't ever reform, wouldn't change his lifestyle and find true happiness or love. He'd continue to cling to this deformed sort of love that was almost entirely hatred, and he would aim his laughter at the humans around him rather than laugh at himself. He would keep going as he had until now, but that wouldn't be enough so he'd find something more. He'd find a plan. He'd find a way to change the laws of reality, if he couldn't change himself; he'd find a certain way to live after death. Izaya decided that he would do so, and then his screw-ups now wouldn't matter. Izaya decided that he'd make the world obey him, that if he was only a human then he would become a god to make up for that failing, that he'd never even acknowledge what festered within him.
Not even a year later, Celty's head landed in his lap. It was almost like a promise, a reassurance, a sign from on high or from Izaya himself.
But Izaya was only human, and a pathetic one at that, trapped at the bottom of the pit he'd dug for himself and somehow this opportunity only sunk the knowledge in further. There was nothing he could do about it now though, and besides he was willing to admit there was a delicious sense of irony about all this, so-
Izaya laughed.
Summary: "Humans are strange creatures, aren't they? When you hit rock bottom, you can't stop laughing." ...And oh, how Izaya laughs.
"Humans are strange creatures, aren't they? When you hit rock bottom, you can't stop laughing."
-Bluejam, One Piece episode 501
When Izaya was in elementary school, he was actually quite a solemn child. At that point in time he looked upon the world not as a source of amusement, but as a tiresome chore he was forced to deal with. Humans weren't lovable; they were nuisances. Nothing really mattered.
Well, at some point, it got boring acting like that all the time. After all, Izaya needed some way to spend his time, so he decided to start people-watching. And in result, as he entered middle school, Izaya experienced his first love. Not for any of the girls in his class, but for all of them - the boys too, and teachers. Everyone. Izaya, just emerging from his shell of distaste, fell in love with humanity during the difficult process of puberty.
He still disliked just about everything else though. And to say he was in love with humanity didn't mean that he was especially thrilled about any individual humans. But, again, it was too boring to be totally uninvolved, and during his people-watching he had fallen in love with humanity because of all the wonderful reactions humans made. So Izaya altered his personality, in order to provoke more reactions, in order to test the humans he loved so much.
It wasn't actually such a difficult switch. So little of Izaya felt genuine anyway, it was no chore to amp up the pretense, to smile and act crazy and mess with people when he really felt sort of like spitting on their shoes. Izaya had no difficulty changing himself, and in fact actually began to enjoy his new actions quite swiftly. It was fun, screwing with people's heads.
Eventually, it was all fun. The life he crafted for himself, the information he gathered, and most of all the reactions he provoked. Izaya absolutely lived for that thrill. It was all that gave him satisfaction in life, so he made the most of it and twisted his own self further and further from normal, all in search of provoking the best reactions amongst the humans he so loved.
And then he met Shizuo. Right from the start - it was like they were meant to be. Perfect enemies, foils, black and white, both so far from normal, so ridiculous and fearsome and like lightning whenever they fought, or a black hole or the birth of a star, or some other fantastic event -and oh the reactions they created. Even aside from Shizuo himself (who was endlessly entertaining on an impossible number of levels), the reactions of the people around them who witnessed their fights practically made Izaya salivate. Whatever people might think or do when they saw only one of the duo, the effect of the two of them together promised at least double the fun, if not more.
Izaya's actions throughout much of high school were a direct result of this. By the time he entered the adult world, he'd already made up his mind what he wanted to do, and it wasn't university. Izaya dove into the criminal underworld and it suited him like water does a fish; he quickly rose to the top as an informant, and honestly loved the work. It exercised his mind and oftentimes his body, a definite plus, but more than that he was able to manipulate the humans around him with near-complete freedom. He could do most anything to his chosen victims, and laugh at them all the while. Izaya was more in love than ever and truly believed himself happy, when he began to fall apart.
Typically enough, Shizuo started Izaya's unraveling - though the brute didn't know it (and never would, if Izaya had any say) he'd already defeated his enemy long ago. Nothing special, just a blow that came a little too close, a death threat that sounded a little too real, and on the same day that Izaya happened to observe Shiki shooting a man dead. The shooting wasn't common for Izaya, but it wasn't the first time he'd seen one either, and never before had they bothered him like this one did. He knew that he was too clever to end up as one of those people on the wrong side of the yakuza's guns - but Shizuo was another matter, and fear began to creep up Izaya's spine.
Fear, and something else.
Suddenly, everything seemed bleak to Izaya. He was going to die, he realized suddenly, and whether it was by Shizuo's hand or of old age the end result would be the same - he'd be gone. He'd be dead, and whether that meant heaven or hell or something else altogether, no one knew, but there was the very real possibility that Izaya might completely cease to be.
Everyone died. There was no way around it. So… what was the point, really? There were all those stupid sayings about 'live life without regrets' and 'live like it's your last day' but no one actually did that, too afraid of the possible repercussions or perhaps just too sensible. And in any case, Izaya didn't really have anything he could definitively point to as making his life 'worth living'. In the beginning, after all, he had hated everything, and that had never really changed. Life disgusted Izaya, he remembered suddenly, including humans. Life was boring and annoying and really not worth it except that suicide was a stupid decision. Izaya didn't have anything that made his life worth living because he hated nearly everything about his life, but he was too scared to die because he didn't want to disappear.
For years he'd pretended otherwise. He'd lashed out at other people and found amusement in their reactions - and then, desperate for something, Izaya had focused on that weak emotion, had made it the center and defining point for his entire life, had destroyed any chance he ever had of being normal or truly happy. He really had twisted his personality too far, or maybe it had been too flawed from the very beginning, but the bottom line remained the same, and Izaya quite simply broke on realizing this. Something essential within him snapped right in two.
And he laughed.
He laughed like a madman, cackling and kicking his feet until tears streamed from his eyes and he couldn't even breathe. Humans were so endlessly amusing, weren't they? He laughed softly, voice breaking but unable to stop. The best thing about humans was their infinite capability for self-destruction. He laughed into his hands, as though crying, and maybe in place of crying, shoulders shaking. He was a human too.
Izaya laughed.
And when he was done, he surveyed his options quite calmly. The best part was, he couldn't change himself anymore. He'd come too far, and there was no way back. So he wouldn't ever reform, wouldn't change his lifestyle and find true happiness or love. He'd continue to cling to this deformed sort of love that was almost entirely hatred, and he would aim his laughter at the humans around him rather than laugh at himself. He would keep going as he had until now, but that wouldn't be enough so he'd find something more. He'd find a plan. He'd find a way to change the laws of reality, if he couldn't change himself; he'd find a certain way to live after death. Izaya decided that he would do so, and then his screw-ups now wouldn't matter. Izaya decided that he'd make the world obey him, that if he was only a human then he would become a god to make up for that failing, that he'd never even acknowledge what festered within him.
Not even a year later, Celty's head landed in his lap. It was almost like a promise, a reassurance, a sign from on high or from Izaya himself.
But Izaya was only human, and a pathetic one at that, trapped at the bottom of the pit he'd dug for himself and somehow this opportunity only sunk the knowledge in further. There was nothing he could do about it now though, and besides he was willing to admit there was a delicious sense of irony about all this, so-
Izaya laughed.