96 QUESTIONS
1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
Unlike Chase, who we all know is a big geek, all my music is cool.
2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
I prefer snacks of the pill-popping variety.
3. What is your guaranteed weeping movie?
I usually laugh in the crying parts.
4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Arse implants.
5.What are some of your fears?
Cuddy taking my Vicodin.
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moment?
I have no insecure moments.
7. Are you a pyromaniac?
Sure, why not? Got a lighter?
8. Do you have too many love interests?
Yes, it takes all my self control not to hump random legs.
9. Do you know anyone famous?
If I tell you, I'll have to kill you.
10. Describe your bed:
I sleep hanging from the ceiling in a black cape.
11. Spontaneous or planned?
I'll answer this when I get back from my spontaneous sex change. Just call me Roberta.
12. Who should play you in a movie about your life?
Shrek
13. Do you know how to play poker?
Is that a proposition?
14. What do you carry with you at all times?
Vicodin and a bondage whip... oh, sorry, cane.
15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
I was never a kid.
16. Are you happy with your given name?
I answer better to "Hey, lover"
17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the internet for one year?
What? You mean I get can get those girls in person?
18. What color is your bedroom?
What person lives in a bedroom of a single colour?
Where is 19?
Ask Wilson. He knows everything.
20. Have you ever been in a play?
My whole life is a play.
22. Do you talk a lot?
No, I much prefer to make others do everything for me.
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
I don't really like anyone.
24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
People in general annoy me.
25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
Of course I'm nice.
26. Do you spend more time with your friend/boyfriend/spouse or your friends?
Friends, when they feel they need to inflict themselves on me.
27. What is your ideal marriage location?
In a hospital bed, when I am on death's door.
28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Wishing is for idiots. If you want to do it, get off your arse and do it.
29. What is your favorite fabric?
Chain mail.
30. Something you love?
Vicodin.
31. What kind of bedding do you use?
I told you, black cape.
33. What's the one language you want to learn?
Canadian.
34. How do you eat an apple?
I hack it into tiny little pieces, and then throw it against the wall, watch it slide to the floor, and then lick it up.
35. What do you order at a bar?
Scotch.
36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
No, but I often feel like piercing other peoples.
38. Do you drive a stick?
No, the stick drives me.
39. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Perfect hair.
40. What kind of watch(es) do you have?
Walmart's finest.
41. Most frivolous purchase?
Oh, you got me. A pink lacy bra.
42. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
No, but I'm sure Chase could teach me how to strut in some Calvins.
43. What do you cook up the best?
I usually just eat whatever Wilson cooks/buys.
44. Favorite writing instrument?
A bloody finger.
45. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
I prefer to stand on the sidelines and poke fun at the blending in crowd.
46. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
That would assume I haven't already.
47. What's the one car you will buy in the future?
Cars are overrated. I want a spaceship.
48. What kind of books do you like to read?
Porn. Anything porn.
49. If you won the lottery, what would you do?
Put it all in a big locked, see-through box and leave it sitting on my desk for twenty years.
What happened to questions 50 and 51?
52. What's one thing you're a sore loser at?
I don't lose.
53. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
Belittle them until they curl up in a sobbing ball at my feet. Then I laugh.
54. Do you cry in front of your friends?
I have no tear ducts.
55. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
That sexy cripple with a tight arse.
56. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Pull the wings off small insects.
57. Are you a giver or a taker?
A giver. I'll give you a tenner to leave me alone.
58. When's the last time you cried?
I don't cry, but you might if I whack you with my cane.
59. Favorite communication method?
Morse code.
60. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
Tipsy is for pansies... like Chase.
61. Do you think you're cute?
Extremely.
62. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends?
Yes. They might see my Superman outfit underneath.
63. First Name:
Oh, this is the trick question. I was waiting for this. My answer is World Peace.
64. Were you named after anyone?
I was named after a lot of people. What? You think I was the first person born on this planet?
65. Do you wish on stars?
Yes, and I skip around in tinkly winkly land, granting love and happiness on all eternity and their dogs.
66. Which singer is your favorite?
Myself.
67. Who are you more like - your mother or your father?
I was found in a cabbage patch.
68. Do you like your handwriting?
I like someone else's better.
69. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Anything I didn't have to put between the bread myself.
70. Any bad habits?
All my habits are bad. Good gets you nowhere.
71. What's in your CD player right now?
CD player? You people are behind the times. I own an iPod. CDs are only good to throw at stupid people's heads.
72. Do you believe in soul mates?
That is impossible when one does not have a soul.
73. Are you a daredevil?
I have my moments.
74. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to?
Yes. Anyone who says no to this is a liar. Everybody lies.
75. Do looks matter?
See above answer.
76. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?
No, but the ducklings do it all the time. You get that when you are stupid.
78. Are you trendy?
Yes. Call me Robert Chase.
79. How do you release anger?
It's not real anger unless you break something.
80. Where are your second homes?
I own a cave in Ethiopia.
82. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Whatever I could steal off the other kids.
83. What is your least favorite food?
That I have to make myself.
84. How many wisdom teeth do you have?
All of them. I am full of wisdom.
86. What do you miss most right now?
That hooker I... nevermind.
87. What are you wearing?
A dominatrix costume. Now if I could just find that whip...
88. What are you listening to right now?
Chase arguing with Foreman. They need to get a room already.
89. Who is your hero?
Oh, Cuddy of course. (Note to self: leave this up on the computer screen for her to see)
90. Would you die for them?
I keep telling her I will do anything if she shows me her boobs.
91. Do you have a best friend?
I will say Wilson so I don't hurt his feelings.
You've reached the text mailbox of #92. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and a brief message explaining why the hell you are bothering me, I'll get back to you as soon as it captures my interest.
93. Do you like parties and presents?
No. I'm a miserable old fart who likes to scare little kids and steal their lollipops.
94. What is your dream career?
A pole dancer. The cane was getting in the way, though.
95. How long did it take you to complete this survey?
Thirty seconds. I told you I was good.
96. What is the last movie you watched?
I didn't really watch it. I was too busy loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme while Wilson tried to watch it.