(fic) Everything Becomes Nothing
“How long are you going to keep this from him?” Changmin pressed as Yunho continues his fit of coughing.
“Forever, if that’s what it takes.” he whispered, wiping blood from his mouth.
“What, so you can say haunt him in the afterlife?”
The sarcastic humor was lost in the misery.
The magnae sighed, proceeding to take him onto his room to get another rest. He decided that this time, maybe he needed to betray his best friend, just this once. Quietly, he went out to their balcony to break the news to their lead singer.
--
“Oh my God, Min-ah, how the hell have you been!” I squealed on the phone as soon as I saw the caller id.
Changmin snickered. “I have something to tell you.”
Straight and direct to the point, I’ve never forgotten how blunt the youngest can be.
“Oh, what is it?” I squinted, bracing myself for the worst. Judging from his tone it usually involves the lawsuit or problems with Yunho.
“It’s been going on for weeks now,” I listened intently, eyebrows furrowing with each sentence the other spoke.
“Most of the times he coughs up blood. He won’t admit it, won’t even go to the hospital for treatment, says it’s nothing serious.”
My hand unconsciously went to cover my gaping mouth. Typical Yunnie. I closed my eyes, hating myself for not being able to be there, for letting my lover keep this so long from me. How could I have not known? We contact each other every day as it is.
I gulped before ending the call, claiming I’ll be there as soon as I can.
--
I took the usual back route, putting use of years of practicing ninja skills to avoid stalkers. I was mad at him more than anything, and considered myself lucky to happen to be in town to scold him personally. Once I reached their apartment in Apgujeong, I bowed to the security guard who recognised me immediately despite the sunglasses and beanie.
I stepped into the lift and continuously pressed the button to the tenth floor impatiently. Changmin greeted me as soon as I pressed the intercom, motioning to Yunho’s room where the man was supposed to be asleep. He was mistaken when a tall figure soon approached us.
“Baby? Is that you?”
His voice alone was enough to make me realise how much I missed the man. Apparently no amount of voice calls or text messages can replace the realness of seeing him. I then remembered I was supposed to be angry at him.
SLAP.
Yunho was shocked to his core, fingers lingering on his face whilst trying to figure out what he did so wrong that the first thing his lover does is to slap his face. He looked behind and Changmin had mysteriously disappeared.
“How can you keep that from me? I thought we trusted each other with everything!” My breathing becomes ragged from overload of emotions going on in my head.
Yunho tried to recall whether he’s cheated on anyone. Before he can even question the shorter man, he was crushed into a bone-breaking hug.
“Do you know how it feels to hear the love of your life has been sick and has been keeping you in the dark?”
Upon hearing those words, Yunho made a mental note to kill Changmin when he gets back.
“Hey, I’m okay. It’s nothing serious.”
I pulled back and cupped his face, eyes already glistening. Mood swings and emotional breakdown have been occurring frequently and Yunho certainly wasn’t making it easier.
“You always say that, even when you were in the brisk of death.”
Yunho shook his head as he leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead, on his cheek, nose and finally claiming my plump lips. I could slightly taste the copper blood on his mouth and it made me want to cry.
“You’re going to the doctor, if you care about me at all.”
--
I practically sweet-talked with the doctor to report any results about Yunho’s health directly. He went through numerous tests including chest x-ray, blood test and finally CT scanning.
He was diagnosed with lung cancer.
We were lucky the stage wasn’t fatal yet. He was recommended to be treated in America, where the medical technologies were more advanced. It made me think twice on continuing my career in order to accompany him, if worse come to worst Yunho’s time may not be much longer. The very thought itself horrified me, enough to draw endless tears leading to countless sleepless nights.
--
“You are not coming with me.” His tone was flat, absolutely repelled at the idea of me quitting my career for his sake.
“How can I leave you? How do you think I will be here waiting for you? I’ll go crazy not being able to do anything. Please Yunho-ah, let me do this for you.” I pleaded.
“Joongie, I could be there for years. What about the fans? Your career, your future? I’m not going to be the one to ruin it.”
“The possibility of you not being in my future is already ruining it,” unknowingly tears have already fallen out of my control.
“Hey, what did I tell you about not crying for me anymore?” His hands reached up to my long fringe, brushing it away from my face.
“I don’t care about fame or money. They don’t even matter anymore. I just want you to stay alive.” I said in desperation and slowly slumped onto his chest, hiding my face.
Everything becomes pointless without you.
--
Yunho chose to disappear from the showbiz quietly, SM giving no more words as soon as they found out he was no longer useful to the company. I however made a formal announcement that I was going for an indefinite hiatus for personal reasons. I owe the fans at least an explanation from all their endless support throughout my singing career. Neither of us told the world of Yunho’s illness and after endless arguments and fan-wars from Cassiopeia’s part, they eventually let go. Separating has always meant waiting for them.
--
We chose the hospital with the best cancer centre, choosing to live away from the crowds to get as much peace as possible. Yunho’s sister Ji Hye had came along with Yunho’s mom, however the former left after two weeks, as she still had to finish her studies. It didn’t take very long for me to bond with Yunho’s mom, both giving our all to take care of our beloved as much as possible.
We were preparing dishes in their apartment’s kitchen one day when she spoke to me.
“You know, I’ve always known there was something special between you two.” She smiled knowingly, as she watched me cut vegetables into smaller pieces.
“I just didn’t know you were that serious. Must say I was surprised when I heard you quit your career.”
I looked back at her, smiling warmly. I’ve managed to lose a fair amount of weight ever since we settled in America, Yunho’s condition and adjusting to this new life taking a toll on me. I’ve never said a word to Yunho; even though I had a feeling he could read me through.
“He means everything to me, auntie.” I threw the vegetables onto the pot, mixing them together.
“I know but sweetheart, you gotta take care of yourself too. He won’t make it without you.”
--
Throughout the months, Yunho’s health seemed to have progressed fairly. He had started coughing less and chest pain has been occurring less. Nevertheless his gentle voice had turned onto a whisper, in order to avoid any further strain to his throat. I made sure to throw out anything related to tobacco for both of our sakes, no matter how much I crave for a cigarette, after having been smoking most of my life. It took me a disease to realise that what gives you pleasure can also kill you.
Spring was my favourite weather, gentle breeze and light wind blowing throughout the day. It was a peaceful Friday morning and Yunho’s mom had gone out for a walk. I was checking email as usual, keeping in touch only with those I trust to know our whereabouts. A cough from Yunho was enough to make me stop typing and rush to him, bringing a glass of water in the process.
“How are you feeling?”
“Much better.” Yunho smiled, “I think I’m ready to go on that trip soon.” He winked for good measure. If there’s anything I adored in him, it was his positivity. I was sure my presence had something to do with it, but I was proud of him nevertheless.
I smiled back at him. Despite our unfortunate situation, I was happy just to be with him. I joined him back on our bed and snuggled up carefully. There was a question that had been lingering on my mind.
“Yunho-ah, if I fell sick would you do the same for me?”
“Without any doubt.”
--
Stepping onto the airport, Yunho held up his HD camcorder closer to my face as I laughed shyly, capturing every expression and movement I made. We had decided to go to Hawaii to celebrate Yunho’s recovery, whilst his mom had gone back to Gwangju. The weather was very bright, and it seemed like there was nothing that could spoil our mood.
Both of us eventually picked up English after almost a year of staying in the States. Yunho thought about doing business with a Korean friend he met, but deep down inside he knows I still had the hidden desire to sing, no matter how much I denied it.
It didn’t take us long to reach the villa, and our room was placed with a beautiful sea view to be admired. Yunho took me out for an intimate dinner in one of the nearby restaurants. Sunset was soon approaching, our figures turning onto a silhouette surrounding candle lights.
“Jaejoong-ah?”
I hummed in response, deeply appreciating the amazingly cooked meal in front of me.
“Have you thought about how our future will be?”
I looked up from the dish, slightly confused.
“You mean about the business deal with Tablo?”
Yunho chuckled lightly, “Jaejoong, you have many talents. I don’t want you to live your life wasting them.”
I dropped the cutleries onto the plate. Not this conversation again. Since he recovered, he had been pursuing me to go back to Seoul and continue living my dream.
“So you’re saying now that you’ve recovered you don’t need me anymore?”
“Baby I never said that. I just don’t want you to -“
“I want to be with you. But apparently a year of living here with you isn’t enough to prove that-“
By then I had already stood up, ready to storm out of the restaurant anytime soon.
“Listen to me. I’m very grateful of all the sacrifices you’ve done to save my life, but I can’t keep taking your life away from you. I can see that you’re not settling well here Jaejoong. I know how much you miss your family, how homesick you get from all the habits you used to do in Seoul. All your best friends are there, and in here you’re just staying with an old man-“
“Stop it! I can’t believe until now you still haven’t understood me-“ I stared at him in anguish, tears of frustration pricking my eyes. I was thankful the restaurant was within walking distance, and walked furiously all the way back to the villa. Upon reaching, I almost locked the door to our room when I noticed something was different.
A combination of red and white roses was spread all over the bed whilst in the middle stood a velvet box. In front of it was a white card decorated with laces, and I almost picked up to see what was written-
“Don’t be mad at me.” Yunho’s tender voice was heard from behind and I stopped on my tracks. He proceeded to gently wrap his arms around my waist, snuggling his face on my neck.
“Jaejoong-ah, I love you so much. I’m sorry if I made you upset, I just wanted the best for you.”
“And?”
“And?” There was confusion in his tone.
“Go on, propose to me.” Realising what he was about to do, I turned around with a smile threatening to split my face.
Yunho grinned back, “You’re such a confident bastard, you know that?”
He took the small, elegant box and got down on both knees instead, hugging my waist again and adorably kissing my stomach.
Yunho looked up to that gorgeous pale face, onto those big expressive eyes.
“Kim Jaejoong, I’ve never felt so lucky in my life having found you. Will you spend the rest of your life with me?”
“You already know I do.”
The white card turned out to be an envelope consisting of two plane tickets back to Seoul.
--
a/n
This fic was inspired by real-life events, and I ended up writing in first-person narrative. I purposely left the ending to your interpretation. Was it confusing? Any feedback is much appreciated <3