Lord, What Fools These Mortals Be: The Fight
Title: Lord, What Fools These Mortals Be
Pairing: Brittany/Santana
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: For Audition (2x01)
Summary: For this prompt on the glee_fluff_meme
Disclaimer: Don't own Glee, Shakespeare, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Pan's Labyrinth, or The Dresden Files.
Author's Notes: Fun fact: kelpies are a type of fairy, that I'm pretty sure come from Irish myths. They would take the shape of a horse or an attractive young man, and lure young women away from their homes. Then, they would either take them for a ride and trample the girls under their hooves, or, in the super-creepy-what-the-fuck-was-wrong-with-ancient-people version of the story, would take them to a nearby pond or lake and drown them, presumably for shits and giggles.
This little tidbit of info may be important at some point!
Chapter One ; Chapter Two ; Chapter Three
---
Robin led her through rough caverns, nonchalantly dragging her when she stumbled. His hand never faltered at the back of her neck.
Finally, they reached a patch of stone in the wall that looked slightly different from the rest. When he pushed it with a hand, it turned out to be a cunningly-hung door. He unceremoniously shoved her into the room, watching with cold eyes as she hit the ground with a cry of pain.
"You fucking traitor," she hissed, when she caught her breath.
"Traitor? No, not I. I am simply taking the opportunity granted to me," Robin said casually, almost bored.
And this was the part where he told her all about his plan, like a Bond villain. She rolled her eyes, but Robin either didn't see or just plain ignored her.
"You see, little girl, we have been at war with the goblins for many centuries. Always striking back, never taking the initiative. My Queen cares too much for the lives of her soldiers. If we attacked, all at once, we could easily destroy them, but instead we wait for them to hit first. Well, now you have given me a chance." He drew a small, thin knife from his belt. "I will say that I followed you, out of pity for the little human. When you discovered that the Goblin King had killed your friend, you flew into a rage and slaughtered them all, before succumbing to your wounds. We will mourn, of course."
He nodded, eyes sliding closed, like he was imagining the scene. "Elves love a tragic story. And then we will move on. No longer living in constant fear of an attack from the goblins, this year will be the first time in centuries that we shall venture aboveground once more. Midsummer's Eve, we shall dance in the moonlight, as our ancestors did. And then again, on All Hallow's Eve, when the moon is full and magic is at its peak, we shall go above again. Only this time, we will take back the land that is rightfully ours from the human scourge. And if something should happen to the queen at some point, forcing her poor brave right-hand-man to take charge, well then, that would just be too bad, now wouldn't it?"
Deep in Santana's mind, she could hear a cuckoo clock chiming. This guy was nuts, and wanted to kill her, was the basic gist of things. She tried to squirm away, but it was amazingly hard to crawl with your hands tied behind your back.
"And now, to deliver the wounds that you will eventually die from," Robin said, taking a step closer.
"Wait! Wait!" Santana yelped, thrashing around like she was possessed. Robin ignored her, stooping down and flipping her over easily, pinning her in place with one hand. He leaned in, until the knife was inches from her chest.
The door swung open, and the little jester goblin, still wearing the big doofy hat, stood in the doorway.
"His Royal Highness wants to see the girl dance for him, Your Honor, Robin, sir," it squeaked.
Robin paused, sighing in annoyance. "That fat old fool," he muttered, his lip curling. Without another word, he stood, sheathed the knife, and stalked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.
Santana took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her heart back down from a hummingbird's pace. She had been really close to biting the bullet, right there, and that was not a feeling that she enjoyed, at all.
After a second, she sat up and began to try to pull her hands free of their bonds. This was actually not the first time she had ever been tied up, but it was the first time she had to get free in the next five minutes or face death. Grunting as she wriggled her hands, she only managed to scrape up her wrists, until she could feel blood trickling down into the palms of her hands.
Stopping that effort, she tried to think of another way to escape. The idiot who had tied her up hadn't taken her bag off of her shoulders, which meant that...she couldn't take it off either. Actually, that had been pretty smart of them. Dammit. And it wasn't like she had anything that could cut through rope in there, anyway. Why hadn't Robin done a full Bond villain act and left the knife in the room? She was going to be stabbed in like two minutes and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. This sucked.
Behind her, there came the sound of three soft knocks.
Slowly, not even daring to breathe, Santana turned her head. There, peeking out from a crack in the wall, was her little maze buddy, the little aye-aye looking dude, her savior in times of doubt.
"Hey," Santana whispered.
The little guy gave her a thumbs-up. Its big eyes were squeezed almost completely shut, and its ears were flat against its head like a scared cat.
"Yeah, it's actually not looking too good for me right now," she hissed. "Are you good at untying things?"
The creature swarmed down the wall and right up behind her, where she couldn't see. She could feel its nimble hands make quick work of the knots, and she was free within seconds.
"Yeahhhhh," she breathed. She shuffled herself around and held up her hand for a high-five, and, after a second, its delicate, warm fingers brushed against hers. She quickly heaved the bag off of her shoulders, digging around inside of it until she found the ultimate reward.
"Here you go, little man," she said, holding out the package of Oreos. "I love you," she whispered.
The creature took the roll of Oreos delicately, wincing at the noise the plastic made. Suddenly, it sat straight up, its ears pointing forward as it stared at the door. With one last brush of its hand against hers, it shoved the roll of cookies into its mouth and scurried across the room, up the wall, and into the little crack in the wall.
It had probably heard someone coming down the hall, which meant that she had like ten seconds to come up with a plan. She briefly considered, then discarded Plan A: What Would Quinn Fabray Do? ('Get pregnant and cry a lot' didn't seem like useful advice right now). She needed Brittany for Plans B through K, so she ultimately decided on her favorite plan, which was "kick whoever is coming through the door in the face." Simple, but applicable in so many different situations.
Santana quickly stood and pressed herself against the wall to the left of the door, hoping to get the element of surprise on her side. She could hear footsteps now, getting closer and closer, and she readied herself. When the door slid open, she pivoted on her left foot and executed an absolutely flawless high roundhouse kick.
She had, of course, been expecting Robin to walk through the door, which meant that her wonderful kick went sailing a good two feet over the head of the goblin that entered.
Instead of letting this little detail throw her off, she diverted the momentum of the kick downwards, dropping her heel onto the crown of the creature's head.
It immediately hit the floor, clutching at its cranium, and Santana gave a little grunt of pain. Who knew that skulls were so hard?
Squatting, she grabbed the goblin's shoulders and yanked it upright, realizing as she did so that it was that stupid little one with the hat again.
"Listen to me," she hissed, and the goblin opened its eyes and started to whimper with fear. "You are going to show me where the throne room is, and you are going to do it right fucking now. If you don't, I will rip your face off. Understand?" The goblin nodded, tears and snot flowing down its face as it shook with fear, which, gross. "Good."
She slid the crowbar out of the bag and hefted its weight in her hand. Then, she slung the bag over her shoulders again and gave the goblin a little nudge with her foot. "Let's go kick some ass."
---
The goblin led her back through the tunnel, to the cave-like entrance to the throne room, and stopped outside. It didn't seem to want to go through in front of her, so she ignored it. This would be the third time she busted into that damn room, she realized. Hopefully, it would be the last.
Taking a deep breath, she cracked her neck and rolled her shoulders. This was it; this was the big one. With her head held high, she strode into the room.
Brittany was still standing on the bloody dance floor, eyes blank and dazed. Robin and the Goblin King were arguing, it looked like, but their conversation was cut short when they caught sight of her. Robin gave an aggravated sigh, but the Goblin King seemed pleased to see her.
"You again," he said, chuckling.
"Yeah, it's me," she shot back. "This is your last warning. Let my friend go, or I'll kick your ass."
"Will you?" the King chuckled.
"Damn straight," she said. She was pissed the fuck off, and his little attitude problem was only making her more angry.
"Well then," the King said, standing up from his throne. "What if I fight back?"
"You can do whatever the hell you want," Santana said. "I don't care. But I'm getting her back, whether you like it or not."
"I see," said the King. From behind the arm of his throne, he pulled out a sword that was so large it was almost ridiculous. "Then I had better fight for my prize."
"Whatever," Santana started to say, but before she could finish, the King darted at her, sword plunging directly for her heart.
For someone so fat and ugly, he sure could move. Santana barely dodged the first blow, then hissed in pain when he whipped the sword around again, slicing a neat line into her arm.
She brought the crowbar up to block his next blow, slicing down at her head, and the force of it almost knocked her over. Quick as thought, he brought his sword around in a tight circle, but she leapt into the air, tucking her legs like she was cheering for the home team, and it whizzed harmlessly under her knees.
He looked a little taken aback by that move, and she smirked at him. Her smirk turned into a gasp when he got another chunk of her arm with a quick, darting movement.
He sliced low, aiming for her stomach, and she stumbled back. Not far enough, though, as the tip of the sword cut a clean line all the way across her stomach. She didn't even notice the pain; he had taken a step forward, compensating for the wide swing, and had left himself wide open.
With a mighty yell, she swung the crowbar like a tennis racket, as hard as she could, directly at the Goblin King's face.
For some reason, she had been expecting it to make a loud clang, like in the cartoons. Instead, there was a sick, wet crunch as her weapon split his skull.
He fell bonelessly to the ground, and didn't move.
For a second, she just looked down at the body. Her stomach heaved at the sight, pink brains and red blood and white skull splattered all around.
Then, with a little sigh, Brittany crumpled to the floor.
"Brittany!" she yelled, panicking. She forced her leaden feet to move, to go to her friend.
She didn't get two steps before something tackled her from behind.
The crowbar flew from her hand, clattering across the floor and far out of reach. She struggled, but something was holding her down with inhuman strength. With a wrench of her shoulder, she was flipped onto her back.
Robin knelt above her, his pretty face twisted into an ugly mask of rage.
She tried to move, tried to fight back, but he wrapped one hand around her throat and leaned one knee on her chest, and her struggle to get free became a desperate battle for air.
She clawed at his arm, punching it with all her strength, and he didn't even shift. Her movements became weaker and weaker as the room went darker and darker. She could see his face above her, at the end of a long tunnel, but it was like she was underwater, her arms slow and jerky. She pushed vainly at his chest, her hands dead weight. She couldn't...seem...to...think...anymore...
Suddenly, his weight disappeared. With a rough gasp, Santana opened eyes that she hadn't even realized she had shut. She had a minor coughing fit, struggling to breathe as she tried to figure out what had happened. Robin was huddled on the ground a few feet away, clutching at his arm as the flesh sizzled.
Above her stood Brittany, the crowbar dangling from her hands.
"I didn't really mean to hit him that hard," she said slowly. "I just wanted him to get off of you."
Still coughing, Santana limply held up an arm. Brittany immediately dropped the crowbar and grabbed her with both hands, heaving her to her feet. Instead of stopping, Santana let the motion carry her into Brittany's arms, clutching at her as they both swayed on unsteady legs.
"You came to rescue me," Brittany whispered into Santana's hair. Santana pulled back slightly, smiling up at her.
Before she could say anything, one of the goblins began to speak. "The king is dead! Long live the king!" It pointed at her.
The other goblins started to pick up the chant.
"Oh hell no," Santana said. She stepped away from Brittany, but clutched at the other girl's hand, not willing to let her go so quickly. "I am not your king. That is unacceptable. No. I abdicate my rule to..." She paused, looking around the cavern for a good candidate. There, hovering in the doorway, was the goblin they had been using as a jester. "To that slimy little motherfucker. Yeah. Deal with it."
The goblins all turned to each other, confused, but she didn't care. She caught Brittany in her arms again, squeezing her tightly. "Of course I came to rescue you," she said, her words muffled by the other girl's shoulder. "I can't live without you."
Brittany pulled back slightly and beamed at her, then gently pressed a kiss to the bruise on Santana's forehead.
"Oh!" Santana realized she had almost forgotten something important. She let go of Brittany with one hand and dug into her pocket, pulling out Brittany's bracelet. "You dropped this," she said. With her bloody, trembling fingers, she fastened the bracelet securely around Brittany's wrist again.
"Santana," Brittany breathed, tears gathering in her eyes.
"I'll always come to rescue you," Santana promised. "Because I lo-"
A sudden movement behind Brittany caught her attention. She stepped forward, ready to protect the other girl, and therefore completely missed the way Brittany's face fell from utter delight to total disappointment.
The elves were swanning in through the massive hole in the wall she had made, picking their way gracefully over the rubble like they did this every day.
Santana snorted at the sight of the queen making her way through the crowd. "Ugh, you again."
The queen looked a little surprised. "Yes, it is I. For verily, you have done a mighty deed this day."
"Yeah, okay," Santana said. "Yay, though verily I don't give a shit about your problems, just show us the way home now."
Blinking at her, the queen seemed to be thrown off her game by that statement. Rather than address it, her attention shifted to Robin, who was still rolling on the floor. "What happened here?"
"He betrayed me," Santana snapped. "He was going to kill me and all the goblins, then use that as an excuse to take over the human world." Probably. She hadn't really been paying much attention to his speech.
"I see. He shall be dealt with, in our own courts," the queen said. She turned back to the two girls. "And now, for your great courage, I shall grant you one boon. You may have anything your heart desires."
"Anything?" Santana asked. Visions of pulling up to school in a Bugatti Veyron while well-muscled men did her homework and massaged her feet danced in her head.
"Anything that is within my power to grant," the queen affirmed.
"A pony," Brittany said suddenly. Santana was overwhelmed by the sudden desire to smack herself in the face.
"A pony?" the queen asked, one elegant eyebrow arching. Behind her, the man with green, dripping hair stepped forward, smiling what could charitably be called a pedosmile. He gave her the creeps.
"No," Santana said. "I did it, right? I won. So it's my wish. And I wish for bigger tits."
There was a long, awkward pause. "I beg your pardon," the queen said, more of a statement than a question.
"You heard me," Santana said. "I want bigger boobs. Not, like, crazy big. Just a few sizes bigger." She cupped her hands in front of her chest to demonstrate, and several of the elves looked away uncomfortably.
"So your one wish, out of anything in the world, is for...larger breasts," the queen said, looking like it hurt her to even say the words.
"Yup," Santana said. "Please and thank you."
The queen closed her eyes and sighed, with that 'Lord, grant me patience' look that Santana's teachers and guidance counselors so often wore. "Very well," she said. "As you have wished it, so shall it be." She stepped forward and gently placed her palm on Santana's head. Her hand was soft and cool, like a flower petal.
"Sleep," she whispered, and Santana slept.
---
Chapter Five: Epilogue
Pairing: Brittany/Santana
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: For Audition (2x01)
Summary: For this prompt on the glee_fluff_meme
Disclaimer: Don't own Glee, Shakespeare, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Pan's Labyrinth, or The Dresden Files.
Author's Notes: Fun fact: kelpies are a type of fairy, that I'm pretty sure come from Irish myths. They would take the shape of a horse or an attractive young man, and lure young women away from their homes. Then, they would either take them for a ride and trample the girls under their hooves, or, in the super-creepy-what-the-fuck-was-wrong-with-ancient-people version of the story, would take them to a nearby pond or lake and drown them, presumably for shits and giggles.
This little tidbit of info may be important at some point!
Chapter One ; Chapter Two ; Chapter Three
---
Robin led her through rough caverns, nonchalantly dragging her when she stumbled. His hand never faltered at the back of her neck.
Finally, they reached a patch of stone in the wall that looked slightly different from the rest. When he pushed it with a hand, it turned out to be a cunningly-hung door. He unceremoniously shoved her into the room, watching with cold eyes as she hit the ground with a cry of pain.
"You fucking traitor," she hissed, when she caught her breath.
"Traitor? No, not I. I am simply taking the opportunity granted to me," Robin said casually, almost bored.
And this was the part where he told her all about his plan, like a Bond villain. She rolled her eyes, but Robin either didn't see or just plain ignored her.
"You see, little girl, we have been at war with the goblins for many centuries. Always striking back, never taking the initiative. My Queen cares too much for the lives of her soldiers. If we attacked, all at once, we could easily destroy them, but instead we wait for them to hit first. Well, now you have given me a chance." He drew a small, thin knife from his belt. "I will say that I followed you, out of pity for the little human. When you discovered that the Goblin King had killed your friend, you flew into a rage and slaughtered them all, before succumbing to your wounds. We will mourn, of course."
He nodded, eyes sliding closed, like he was imagining the scene. "Elves love a tragic story. And then we will move on. No longer living in constant fear of an attack from the goblins, this year will be the first time in centuries that we shall venture aboveground once more. Midsummer's Eve, we shall dance in the moonlight, as our ancestors did. And then again, on All Hallow's Eve, when the moon is full and magic is at its peak, we shall go above again. Only this time, we will take back the land that is rightfully ours from the human scourge. And if something should happen to the queen at some point, forcing her poor brave right-hand-man to take charge, well then, that would just be too bad, now wouldn't it?"
Deep in Santana's mind, she could hear a cuckoo clock chiming. This guy was nuts, and wanted to kill her, was the basic gist of things. She tried to squirm away, but it was amazingly hard to crawl with your hands tied behind your back.
"And now, to deliver the wounds that you will eventually die from," Robin said, taking a step closer.
"Wait! Wait!" Santana yelped, thrashing around like she was possessed. Robin ignored her, stooping down and flipping her over easily, pinning her in place with one hand. He leaned in, until the knife was inches from her chest.
The door swung open, and the little jester goblin, still wearing the big doofy hat, stood in the doorway.
"His Royal Highness wants to see the girl dance for him, Your Honor, Robin, sir," it squeaked.
Robin paused, sighing in annoyance. "That fat old fool," he muttered, his lip curling. Without another word, he stood, sheathed the knife, and stalked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.
Santana took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her heart back down from a hummingbird's pace. She had been really close to biting the bullet, right there, and that was not a feeling that she enjoyed, at all.
After a second, she sat up and began to try to pull her hands free of their bonds. This was actually not the first time she had ever been tied up, but it was the first time she had to get free in the next five minutes or face death. Grunting as she wriggled her hands, she only managed to scrape up her wrists, until she could feel blood trickling down into the palms of her hands.
Stopping that effort, she tried to think of another way to escape. The idiot who had tied her up hadn't taken her bag off of her shoulders, which meant that...she couldn't take it off either. Actually, that had been pretty smart of them. Dammit. And it wasn't like she had anything that could cut through rope in there, anyway. Why hadn't Robin done a full Bond villain act and left the knife in the room? She was going to be stabbed in like two minutes and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. This sucked.
Behind her, there came the sound of three soft knocks.
Slowly, not even daring to breathe, Santana turned her head. There, peeking out from a crack in the wall, was her little maze buddy, the little aye-aye looking dude, her savior in times of doubt.
"Hey," Santana whispered.
The little guy gave her a thumbs-up. Its big eyes were squeezed almost completely shut, and its ears were flat against its head like a scared cat.
"Yeah, it's actually not looking too good for me right now," she hissed. "Are you good at untying things?"
The creature swarmed down the wall and right up behind her, where she couldn't see. She could feel its nimble hands make quick work of the knots, and she was free within seconds.
"Yeahhhhh," she breathed. She shuffled herself around and held up her hand for a high-five, and, after a second, its delicate, warm fingers brushed against hers. She quickly heaved the bag off of her shoulders, digging around inside of it until she found the ultimate reward.
"Here you go, little man," she said, holding out the package of Oreos. "I love you," she whispered.
The creature took the roll of Oreos delicately, wincing at the noise the plastic made. Suddenly, it sat straight up, its ears pointing forward as it stared at the door. With one last brush of its hand against hers, it shoved the roll of cookies into its mouth and scurried across the room, up the wall, and into the little crack in the wall.
It had probably heard someone coming down the hall, which meant that she had like ten seconds to come up with a plan. She briefly considered, then discarded Plan A: What Would Quinn Fabray Do? ('Get pregnant and cry a lot' didn't seem like useful advice right now). She needed Brittany for Plans B through K, so she ultimately decided on her favorite plan, which was "kick whoever is coming through the door in the face." Simple, but applicable in so many different situations.
Santana quickly stood and pressed herself against the wall to the left of the door, hoping to get the element of surprise on her side. She could hear footsteps now, getting closer and closer, and she readied herself. When the door slid open, she pivoted on her left foot and executed an absolutely flawless high roundhouse kick.
She had, of course, been expecting Robin to walk through the door, which meant that her wonderful kick went sailing a good two feet over the head of the goblin that entered.
Instead of letting this little detail throw her off, she diverted the momentum of the kick downwards, dropping her heel onto the crown of the creature's head.
It immediately hit the floor, clutching at its cranium, and Santana gave a little grunt of pain. Who knew that skulls were so hard?
Squatting, she grabbed the goblin's shoulders and yanked it upright, realizing as she did so that it was that stupid little one with the hat again.
"Listen to me," she hissed, and the goblin opened its eyes and started to whimper with fear. "You are going to show me where the throne room is, and you are going to do it right fucking now. If you don't, I will rip your face off. Understand?" The goblin nodded, tears and snot flowing down its face as it shook with fear, which, gross. "Good."
She slid the crowbar out of the bag and hefted its weight in her hand. Then, she slung the bag over her shoulders again and gave the goblin a little nudge with her foot. "Let's go kick some ass."
---
The goblin led her back through the tunnel, to the cave-like entrance to the throne room, and stopped outside. It didn't seem to want to go through in front of her, so she ignored it. This would be the third time she busted into that damn room, she realized. Hopefully, it would be the last.
Taking a deep breath, she cracked her neck and rolled her shoulders. This was it; this was the big one. With her head held high, she strode into the room.
Brittany was still standing on the bloody dance floor, eyes blank and dazed. Robin and the Goblin King were arguing, it looked like, but their conversation was cut short when they caught sight of her. Robin gave an aggravated sigh, but the Goblin King seemed pleased to see her.
"You again," he said, chuckling.
"Yeah, it's me," she shot back. "This is your last warning. Let my friend go, or I'll kick your ass."
"Will you?" the King chuckled.
"Damn straight," she said. She was pissed the fuck off, and his little attitude problem was only making her more angry.
"Well then," the King said, standing up from his throne. "What if I fight back?"
"You can do whatever the hell you want," Santana said. "I don't care. But I'm getting her back, whether you like it or not."
"I see," said the King. From behind the arm of his throne, he pulled out a sword that was so large it was almost ridiculous. "Then I had better fight for my prize."
"Whatever," Santana started to say, but before she could finish, the King darted at her, sword plunging directly for her heart.
For someone so fat and ugly, he sure could move. Santana barely dodged the first blow, then hissed in pain when he whipped the sword around again, slicing a neat line into her arm.
She brought the crowbar up to block his next blow, slicing down at her head, and the force of it almost knocked her over. Quick as thought, he brought his sword around in a tight circle, but she leapt into the air, tucking her legs like she was cheering for the home team, and it whizzed harmlessly under her knees.
He looked a little taken aback by that move, and she smirked at him. Her smirk turned into a gasp when he got another chunk of her arm with a quick, darting movement.
He sliced low, aiming for her stomach, and she stumbled back. Not far enough, though, as the tip of the sword cut a clean line all the way across her stomach. She didn't even notice the pain; he had taken a step forward, compensating for the wide swing, and had left himself wide open.
With a mighty yell, she swung the crowbar like a tennis racket, as hard as she could, directly at the Goblin King's face.
For some reason, she had been expecting it to make a loud clang, like in the cartoons. Instead, there was a sick, wet crunch as her weapon split his skull.
He fell bonelessly to the ground, and didn't move.
For a second, she just looked down at the body. Her stomach heaved at the sight, pink brains and red blood and white skull splattered all around.
Then, with a little sigh, Brittany crumpled to the floor.
"Brittany!" she yelled, panicking. She forced her leaden feet to move, to go to her friend.
She didn't get two steps before something tackled her from behind.
The crowbar flew from her hand, clattering across the floor and far out of reach. She struggled, but something was holding her down with inhuman strength. With a wrench of her shoulder, she was flipped onto her back.
Robin knelt above her, his pretty face twisted into an ugly mask of rage.
She tried to move, tried to fight back, but he wrapped one hand around her throat and leaned one knee on her chest, and her struggle to get free became a desperate battle for air.
She clawed at his arm, punching it with all her strength, and he didn't even shift. Her movements became weaker and weaker as the room went darker and darker. She could see his face above her, at the end of a long tunnel, but it was like she was underwater, her arms slow and jerky. She pushed vainly at his chest, her hands dead weight. She couldn't...seem...to...think...anymore...
Suddenly, his weight disappeared. With a rough gasp, Santana opened eyes that she hadn't even realized she had shut. She had a minor coughing fit, struggling to breathe as she tried to figure out what had happened. Robin was huddled on the ground a few feet away, clutching at his arm as the flesh sizzled.
Above her stood Brittany, the crowbar dangling from her hands.
"I didn't really mean to hit him that hard," she said slowly. "I just wanted him to get off of you."
Still coughing, Santana limply held up an arm. Brittany immediately dropped the crowbar and grabbed her with both hands, heaving her to her feet. Instead of stopping, Santana let the motion carry her into Brittany's arms, clutching at her as they both swayed on unsteady legs.
"You came to rescue me," Brittany whispered into Santana's hair. Santana pulled back slightly, smiling up at her.
Before she could say anything, one of the goblins began to speak. "The king is dead! Long live the king!" It pointed at her.
The other goblins started to pick up the chant.
"Oh hell no," Santana said. She stepped away from Brittany, but clutched at the other girl's hand, not willing to let her go so quickly. "I am not your king. That is unacceptable. No. I abdicate my rule to..." She paused, looking around the cavern for a good candidate. There, hovering in the doorway, was the goblin they had been using as a jester. "To that slimy little motherfucker. Yeah. Deal with it."
The goblins all turned to each other, confused, but she didn't care. She caught Brittany in her arms again, squeezing her tightly. "Of course I came to rescue you," she said, her words muffled by the other girl's shoulder. "I can't live without you."
Brittany pulled back slightly and beamed at her, then gently pressed a kiss to the bruise on Santana's forehead.
"Oh!" Santana realized she had almost forgotten something important. She let go of Brittany with one hand and dug into her pocket, pulling out Brittany's bracelet. "You dropped this," she said. With her bloody, trembling fingers, she fastened the bracelet securely around Brittany's wrist again.
"Santana," Brittany breathed, tears gathering in her eyes.
"I'll always come to rescue you," Santana promised. "Because I lo-"
A sudden movement behind Brittany caught her attention. She stepped forward, ready to protect the other girl, and therefore completely missed the way Brittany's face fell from utter delight to total disappointment.
The elves were swanning in through the massive hole in the wall she had made, picking their way gracefully over the rubble like they did this every day.
Santana snorted at the sight of the queen making her way through the crowd. "Ugh, you again."
The queen looked a little surprised. "Yes, it is I. For verily, you have done a mighty deed this day."
"Yeah, okay," Santana said. "Yay, though verily I don't give a shit about your problems, just show us the way home now."
Blinking at her, the queen seemed to be thrown off her game by that statement. Rather than address it, her attention shifted to Robin, who was still rolling on the floor. "What happened here?"
"He betrayed me," Santana snapped. "He was going to kill me and all the goblins, then use that as an excuse to take over the human world." Probably. She hadn't really been paying much attention to his speech.
"I see. He shall be dealt with, in our own courts," the queen said. She turned back to the two girls. "And now, for your great courage, I shall grant you one boon. You may have anything your heart desires."
"Anything?" Santana asked. Visions of pulling up to school in a Bugatti Veyron while well-muscled men did her homework and massaged her feet danced in her head.
"Anything that is within my power to grant," the queen affirmed.
"A pony," Brittany said suddenly. Santana was overwhelmed by the sudden desire to smack herself in the face.
"A pony?" the queen asked, one elegant eyebrow arching. Behind her, the man with green, dripping hair stepped forward, smiling what could charitably be called a pedosmile. He gave her the creeps.
"No," Santana said. "I did it, right? I won. So it's my wish. And I wish for bigger tits."
There was a long, awkward pause. "I beg your pardon," the queen said, more of a statement than a question.
"You heard me," Santana said. "I want bigger boobs. Not, like, crazy big. Just a few sizes bigger." She cupped her hands in front of her chest to demonstrate, and several of the elves looked away uncomfortably.
"So your one wish, out of anything in the world, is for...larger breasts," the queen said, looking like it hurt her to even say the words.
"Yup," Santana said. "Please and thank you."
The queen closed her eyes and sighed, with that 'Lord, grant me patience' look that Santana's teachers and guidance counselors so often wore. "Very well," she said. "As you have wished it, so shall it be." She stepped forward and gently placed her palm on Santana's head. Her hand was soft and cool, like a flower petal.
"Sleep," she whispered, and Santana slept.
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Chapter Five: Epilogue