On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a fan fic that was silly!
I expect to win "Best Nazi Jokes" for this.
Title: Ballroom Blitz!
Characters/Pairings: Superwoman, Batwoman, Louis Lane, Jenny Olsen, Olivia Queen, and other gender-switched DCU characters.
Rating: PG for mild violence, bad humor, and Nazis.
Word Count: 3,255
Notes: Written for the WFGE. Request F16: “Anything involving Superwoman and Batwoman from the Gender-bender verse (For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about they appeared in Superman/Batman#24).” DC recently clarified that the Gender-switch ‘verse is Earth-11. I hope that whoever requested this story likes it!
“Aw, why do I have to go, Patty? Isn’t this more of Louis’s beat?”
“Lane is on vacation this week. You and Olsen are the only people available.”
“You know how I am at parties.”
“It’s a charity ball, Kent. Besides, you’re not there to have fun. Just ask a few celebrities what fancy-schmancy over-priced designer they’re shilling for, create a few photo-ops, and call it a night.”
“But Paaaaaattyyyyy...”
“Don’t look at me with that hangdog expression, Clara! You’re going and that’s final!”
Clara silently cursed in Kryptonian. It was bad enough that this assignment in Star City would cause her to miss half a night’s patrol of Metropolis as Superwoman, but she would also have to share a hotel room with Jenny Olsen. She loved the kid to death, but sometimes...
Patty White clapped a heavy hand on Clara’s shoulder. “Go get packed, kiddo! You’re going to the Star City Snow Ball!”
The next evening, Clara found herself sitting stiffly in the lobby of the Star City Holiday Inn. Patty had insisted that she wear a dress and she felt very uncomfortable, even in the understated black gown left over from her college graduation. Clara glanced at her watch again. Jenny had better finish getting ready soon or they were going to be late. You could never count on getting a cab in this town...
“Clara!” A circus clown with a Fu Manchu mustache had just stepped off of the elevator and was running towards her. Upon closer inspection, Jenny’s brilliant red hair and freckles were visible under the wide-brimmed fedora.
“Jenny? What in the world are you wearing?”
“Do you like it?” Jenny twirled around to show off her outfit. She had on a man’s dark gray suit with the pants and jacket sleeves rolled up several times along with dress shoes several sizes too big. The trousers were cinched to her waist with a wide black belt and a loosely knotted tie hung almost to her knees. A fake mustache was glued to her upper lip. The entire ensemble was topped off with the fedora, complete with a little piece of paper that said “press” tucked in the band.
“It’s, um, very...”
“See, I thought that since we were going to the ball together, one of us should be, like ‘the guy.’ So I borrowed this!”
Clara pinched the bridge of her nose above her glasses. There was no time to send her back to change. “That’s...great, Jenny. I appreciate it. Now we really have to get going.”
“Oh boy!”
By the time they arrived at the Star City Conservatory, they had already missed the arrival of actor Silver St. Claire and rising industrialist Teresa Kord. Clara flashed her press pass at the security and she and Jenny squeezed in to the queue of reporters. If they didn’t get at least one good red carpet interview, Patty was going to kill them. Thankfully, a long black limousine pulled up to the curb.
A hundred cameras clicked and whirred as a resplendent Olivia Queen stepped out of her limo. She waved briefly and began to hurry down the red carpet, but she stopped when she saw Clara.
“Hey, it’s my favorite reporter! It’s great to see you and your, um, young fellow.” Jenny shoved her camera in Olivia’s face and snapped several pictures in rapid succession.
“Ms. Queen! You look lovely tonight,” said Clara.
“Thanks! Hey, make sure to mention that the wrap is a fake, okay? I don’t need any PETA types throwing pies at me. I gave them enough money last year...”
“Of course. Ms. Queen, what are your thoughts on the green arrow woman who has been spotted fighting crime throughout Star City?”
“Her name is Robin Hood! How many times does she have to tell you people?!”
Clara was saved from having to answer by the arrival of a sullen-looking red-headed teenager. “Ollie, can we go inside? I’m cold.”
“And who might this be?” asked Clara.
Olivia clapped an arm around the girl. “This is Rory Harper, my ward. She’s an orphan!”
“Oh. Um, that’s very nice.”
At that moment, the noise level of the crowd surged and the camera flashes became blinding.
“Oh my God, it’s her!”
“Can we get any closer?”
“Miss! Miss! Can I have your autograph?”
Standing on the red carpet in four-inch stiletto heels was the latest celebrity to show at the Snow Ball. Despite the cold, she was wearing a mini-dress only inches away from a wardrobe malfunction and a teeny denim jacket. Tossed over her shoulder was a large metallic silver bag out of which the head and front paws of her ever-present Chihuahua were peeking. She twirled a strand of her long, dark hair around her finger and snapped her gum while mugging for the cameras. Helena Wayne, Princess of Gotham, had arrived.
Olivia looked disgusted. “Snow Ball? More like HO Ball with her here, am I right?” She began to steer Rory toward the entrance of the hall. “See you later, Clara. C’mon, kid! Let’s go hit the bar. You’re old enough to drink, right?”
Clara sighed. “We might as well head on in too, Jenny. There’s no way we’re getting near Helena.”
“Can I get a drink at the bar?”
“Not unless it’s Soder-Cola.”
It may have been winter outside, but inside the Conservatory was sweltering. The ballroom was packed with people in eveningwear, talking, laughing, and drinking. Very little actual dancing seemed to be going on. Clara scanned the crowd for potential interviewees. Silver St. Claire was surrounded by a crowd of gorgeous women and looked none too keen on being disturbed. They had already talked to Olivia Queen and Clara wasn’t sure she could stomach Helena Wayne. Maybe there was someone over by the bar...oh no. What was he doing here?
Unfortunately, Jenny spotted him at the same time. “Hey it’s Louis! Hi Louis!” She started jumping up and down and waving frenetically. “All right! He saw me! He’s coming over! Does he look mad to you?”
“Are those my clothes?!”
Jenny squeaked in fear and ducked behind Clara.
“I’m going to kill you!”
“It’s just a suit, Louis.”
“It’s an Gucci suit, Clara.”
“Whatever. Why are you here? Patty said you were on vacation.”
“Yeah, look, I’m sorry you got stuck with this assignment. I’m here to-“
“He’s here with me.” A woman wearing black spike heels and a black stripper wig stood with one hip cocked and her chin tilted up. She looked down her nose at Clara.
“Luthor,” said Clara through gritted teeth. “It’s been a long time.”
“Louis, dear, why are you talking to this hayseed muckraker and her transvestite sidekick?”
Louis looked aghast. “Lexi, this is my colleague!”
“Then perhaps it’s time for you to find a new job. Come along now.” She took Louis by the arm and he allowed himself to be led away.
Jenny poked her head out from behind Clara. “Hey, same to you, lady!”
Clara spent the next half hour half-heartedly interviewing Teresa Kord and moodily watching Louis from across the room. He was the only man she knew who actually owned his own tuxedo. Instead of black, it was a deep, deep blue. He had explained it to her once. In some light, a black tux could take on an ugly greenish pall, but a midnight blue suit would look blacker than black.
Jenny touched Clara’s elbow. “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine. I just...need to go to the bathroom.”
Clara glared at herself in the ladies’ room mirror. She needed to get a grip. So what if her co-worker was apparently dating Lexi Luthor? As long as he wasn’t assisting her with her plans of global domination, it wasn’t Superwoman’s business, right? Why was she so angry? She just thought that Louis would have better taste than that...
Someone else came into the bathroom. “Oh my God! Are you, like, crying?”
It was Helena Wayne.
“No, I’m, um, fine, Ms. Wayne.”
The stupid little dog started yapping. “A-ce! Shut up!” whined Helena.
At that moment, there was a tremendous crash out in the ballroom, followed by the sound of falling glass, screams, and Jenny’s signal watch. Someone had just broken through the glass dome of the ballroom. Superwoman needed to be out there now, but she couldn’t change in front of Helena...
“Ms. Wayne! Stay in here for your own safety!” Clara grabbed Helena and tossed her into one of the bathroom stalls, wedging the door shut behind her. She leapt towards the bathroom door, about to rip off her dress and change in to her costume at super-speed, when two huge blond men dressed in black leather and swastika armbands and carrying machine guns burst in.
“Captain Nazi’s Army!” gasped Clara.
“That’s right, sweetheart! And we’re taking everyone in the place hostage!”
“Except that we been-how’d she say it-‘authorized to kill anybody we deem racially impure!’” said the other goon. He prodded Clara’s chest with the muzzle of his gun. “This one look kind of ethnic to you, Rolf?”
“I don’t know, Hans. She does have kind of a big nose...”
“KI-YAH!”
The door of the stall into which Helena had been secured fell with a crash, effectively taking out Hans. Standing above the fallen gunman was Batwoman, her eyes invisible through the white lenses of her mask, mouth set in a grim line, and limbs still poised from kicking the door down. Clara and Rolf stared.
“Ace, sic!” The Chihuahua leapt at Rolf with a growl and sunk its teeth in to his nose.
“AAAAH! Gid id offa me! Gid id offa me!”
Batwoman took the opportunity to club him over the head with her fist and he slumped to the floor. Ace let go and trotted back over to Batwoman, wagging her tail. The vigilante gave the dog a treat from one of the pouches on her utility belt. “Good girl!”
“You...Helena Wayne...Batwoman...what?”
“Hn. This does compromise my secret identity, but I thought they were going to kill you. There wasn’t sufficient time to form an alternate plan.”
“I guess this is the sort of thing they mean when they say turnabout is fair play...” With gust of wind, Superwoman stood where Clara had been a moment before.
“Superwoman! You’re...but how? Never mind! There’s no time!”
“You’re right! Come on!”
The heroes burst out of the ladies’ room and into the chaos of the ballroom. People were running every which way in a blind panic. The neo-Nazis were attempting to herd the crowd together, but having little success. Captain Nazi herself was floating above it all with a satisfied smirk on her face. The smile was instantly turned upside down when she saw Clara and Helena.
“Scheitze! Die Uberfrau!” She turned and flew back out of the giant hole she had made in the skylight.
Clara was horrified to see people who had been struck by the falling glass lying on the floor unconscious. “Batwoman, what do we do?”
“I’ll subdue the Hitler Youth and get the ball guests to safety. You go after Ilsa, She-wolf of the SS.”
“Right! Wait, who?”
Batwoman sighed. “Never mind. Just take down Captain Nazi.”
Superwoman shot through the hole in the skylight created by the villainess’s dramatic entrance. “Nazi! You can’t hide from me! I can track your heartbeat across conti--oh.”
Captain Nazi was floating above just above the roof, waiting. She turned and smiled, her lips coated with a blood-red lipstick straight off of Eva Braun’s dressing table. “Superwoman. Just the sub-human piece of scum I was hoping to see.”
“I’m going to punch you so hard Hermann Goering is going to feel it!”
“You can’t defeat me, Superwoman! I know your deepest, darkest secret!”
Clara felt her stomach turn. Somehow, this super-powered anachronism had discovered her secret identity. She was going to use Ma and Pa’s lives as leverage and-
“You’re Jewish!”
“What?! My parents are Methodists! I mean, my biological parents worshiped Rao, but...”
“Please. You came to Earth from ‘another world’ and you’re forced to hide your ‘special powers’ in order to ‘assimilate.’ Any AP English student could read this subtext. Plus, you have a big nose.”
“There is nothing wrong with my nose!”
“Just keep telling yourself that, dear. I’m going to finally prove the superiority of the Aryan race by defeating here you once and for all! HEIL HITLERRRRRRRRRRRR!”
Superwoman flew to meet her head-on and they clashed with a sonic boom. Captain Nazi may have been as strong as Clara, but she wasn’t invincible. She withdrew from their initial scuffle with blood dripping from her bottom lip. She wiped it away with a black leather-clad hand. “Ooh. It’s a good thing I like pain.”
“Um, ew?” Superwoman struck at Captain Nazi again, but she deflected the blow. Damn. She was as fast as Clara too.
Captain Nazi laughed haughtily. “Do you want to know why so-called superheroes can never completely defeat us? How we manage to come back again and again? It’s because you can’t defeat an idea! A philosophy! We stand for something!”
Clara felt her eyes flash red. “Do you want to know what I stand for? I stand for truth, justice, and LIBERAL HUMANISM!” With a roar, Clara flew at Captain Nazi and tackled her, slamming her down the roof. “And you know what else? I can see the molecular structure of your hair with my microscopic vision! You’re a bleach blond!”
“Noooo...” groaned Captain Nazi just before passing out.
Clara flew back into the ballroom, carrying Captain Nazi by the scruff of her uniform. Batwoman was waiting for her on the now-deserted dance floor.
“Are you finally finished?”
“Well, gee, Batwoman, I was just fighting a fascist psychopath with superpowers, but I’ll try to hurry it up next time.”
“Good.”
“How did you beat the Third Reich and get everyone cleared out so fast?”
“I’m Batwoman.”
“Hey, Hogan’s Heroes! A little help out here?” A masked woman in green was standing in the foyer and waving a bow around, attempting to get Clara and Helena’s attention.
Batwoman sighed again. “And I had some help.”
“It’s the green arrow woman!”
“The name is Robin Hood, Wonder Woman! Get it right!” Robin Hood turned around and marched back outside.
Batwoman and Superwoman followed the emerald archer outside, Clara still dragging Captain Nazi’s unconscious body. Police had already blocked off the street and emergency workers were tending to the party guests. Amazingly, no one had been killed. Only a few people who had been standing directly under the skylight when it shattered had been seriously injured.
Robin Hood walked up to a small boy huddled under a Red Cross blanket. “Hey, kid. How are you doin’?”
“I’m think I’m okay. Thanks for saving me, Green Arrow Lady!”
“Look, my name is Robin--oh, never mind.”
A lanky girl archer dressed in red and yellow trotted up to Green Arrow. “Hey, we need more blankets over there.”
“Hold your horses, Speedy! I’m talking to this kid here.”
An impatient red-headed girl... “Oh my goodness! Jenny!”
“Who?” asked Batwoman. Clara ignored the question and shoved Captain Nazi at her. She flew several feet in to the air to get a better view of the crowd. There!
She landed in front of Jenny and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Jenny! Are you all right? Are you hurt?” A quick scan revealed nothing worse than a few cuts on her face and arms, probably from the broken glass. Her mustache and Louis’s fedora were also missing.
Jenny stared at Superwoman for several seconds, her bottom lip quivering. Then she leapt forward and enveloped Clara in a crushing hug while sobbing. “Oh, Superwoman! It was...terrible! And I...can’t find...Clara...or Louis! What...if they’re...dead? WAAAH!”
Clara awkwardly patted the back of Jenny’s head. “Jenny, listen to me. Clara’s fine. She...had to go to the hospital to get some stitches, but she’ll be fine. I’m sure Louis is around here somewhere...” She spotted him attempting to get a statement from an EMT.
“Get outta my #$#%*&! way, you &%$#$*&!! reporter!”
“He’s right over there! Why don’t you go help him out by taking some pictures?”
Jenny sniffled. “O-okay.”
Superwoman flew back over to where Batwoman was supervising the Department of Metahuman Affairs taking Captain Nazi in to custody.
“Do you have any idea why Captain Nazi attacked the Snow Ball?”
“I didn’t have a chance to question her, but I have a feeling that she wasn’t working alone. There has to be more to this...”
“Superwoman! Batwoman! Could I get a statement please?” Louis was running towards them with Jenny at his heels, snapping pictures wildly.
“Well, um, Batwoman knows more than I do,” said Superwoman. “Maybe she can...where did she go?”
“She just vanished in to the night!”
“Right. Well, I’m not really at liberty to comment at this time. Besides, Louis, shouldn’t you be getting back to your girlfriend?”
Louis look surprised. “My girlfriend? You mean Lexi? She is not my girlfriend!”
“She’s...not?”
“No! I only accepted her invitation to the Snow Ball because I wanted to press her for details about LexCorp’s recent defense contracts with the government, not that it mattered. All she wanted to talk about was you. He began speaking in a falsetto. “'Oh, but you must have some idea of Superwoman’s secret identity, Louis.’”
Clara felt dumb. She had known Louis was working on that LexCorp story. Why hadn’t she put two and two together? She always felt like she lost the ability to think around him, especially when he was wearing that gorgeous tux.
Louis’s voice broke in to her thoughts. “Superwoman? I said, shouldn’t you go find your special bat-friend?”
Clara sighed. “I think I know where she’ll be.”
A few minutes later, Batwoman and Superwoman were back in the bathroom. Jenny and Louis were safe in their hotel rooms, frantically emailing the breaking news and photographs to the Daily Planet.
Clara sadly held up the halves of her glasses. They had been broken at some point during the scuffle with Rolf and Hans.
“Here,” said Helena. “Fix them with this.”
“Black duct tape?”
“Bat-tape.”
“What happened to your dog?”
“Batwoman can’t be seen with Helena Wayne’s pet. I sent Ace to wait in the Batmobile.”
Clara had a feeling that she was going to get annoyed with this naming scheme very quickly. “Well, I should be getting back to the hotel so I can file my story...”
Batwoman cleared her throat.
“Ye-es?”
“I’ve come to the realization that there would be a certain...tactical advantage to our working together more often. Perhaps even with other heroes such as the Green Arrow. It’s obvious that I couldn’t have dispatched Captain Nazi on my own and I think you benefited from my planning and level-headedness .”
“Thanks, I think. Do you, um, want my cell number?”
“No, I’ll be able to find you when I need to.”
“That’s comforting.”
Batwoman turned to leave and then stopped. She looked back over her shoulder. “A word of friendly advice? Black? So not your color.” And then she was gone.
Clara shook her head as she walked back out through the darkened ballroom. Friends, huh? Well, God knows she could use a friend who wasn’t a gender-confused nineteen-year-old. If the tabloids were any indication, Helena Wayne knew a thing or two about romance. Where Louis was concerned, it looked like she was going to need every “tactical advantage” she could get. And if not tactical advantage, what were friends for?
FINIS
Credit for the “Ho Ball” joke goes to my high school pal Dominic. Our senior year, the winter semi-formal theme was “Naughty or Nice.” Most girls went with naughty. Dominic’s infamous witticism was quoted in the year book.
Title: Ballroom Blitz!
Characters/Pairings: Superwoman, Batwoman, Louis Lane, Jenny Olsen, Olivia Queen, and other gender-switched DCU characters.
Rating: PG for mild violence, bad humor, and Nazis.
Word Count: 3,255
Notes: Written for the WFGE. Request F16: “Anything involving Superwoman and Batwoman from the Gender-bender verse (For those of you who don't know who I'm talking about they appeared in Superman/Batman#24).” DC recently clarified that the Gender-switch ‘verse is Earth-11. I hope that whoever requested this story likes it!
“Aw, why do I have to go, Patty? Isn’t this more of Louis’s beat?”
“Lane is on vacation this week. You and Olsen are the only people available.”
“You know how I am at parties.”
“It’s a charity ball, Kent. Besides, you’re not there to have fun. Just ask a few celebrities what fancy-schmancy over-priced designer they’re shilling for, create a few photo-ops, and call it a night.”
“But Paaaaaattyyyyy...”
“Don’t look at me with that hangdog expression, Clara! You’re going and that’s final!”
Clara silently cursed in Kryptonian. It was bad enough that this assignment in Star City would cause her to miss half a night’s patrol of Metropolis as Superwoman, but she would also have to share a hotel room with Jenny Olsen. She loved the kid to death, but sometimes...
Patty White clapped a heavy hand on Clara’s shoulder. “Go get packed, kiddo! You’re going to the Star City Snow Ball!”
The next evening, Clara found herself sitting stiffly in the lobby of the Star City Holiday Inn. Patty had insisted that she wear a dress and she felt very uncomfortable, even in the understated black gown left over from her college graduation. Clara glanced at her watch again. Jenny had better finish getting ready soon or they were going to be late. You could never count on getting a cab in this town...
“Clara!” A circus clown with a Fu Manchu mustache had just stepped off of the elevator and was running towards her. Upon closer inspection, Jenny’s brilliant red hair and freckles were visible under the wide-brimmed fedora.
“Jenny? What in the world are you wearing?”
“Do you like it?” Jenny twirled around to show off her outfit. She had on a man’s dark gray suit with the pants and jacket sleeves rolled up several times along with dress shoes several sizes too big. The trousers were cinched to her waist with a wide black belt and a loosely knotted tie hung almost to her knees. A fake mustache was glued to her upper lip. The entire ensemble was topped off with the fedora, complete with a little piece of paper that said “press” tucked in the band.
“It’s, um, very...”
“See, I thought that since we were going to the ball together, one of us should be, like ‘the guy.’ So I borrowed this!”
Clara pinched the bridge of her nose above her glasses. There was no time to send her back to change. “That’s...great, Jenny. I appreciate it. Now we really have to get going.”
“Oh boy!”
By the time they arrived at the Star City Conservatory, they had already missed the arrival of actor Silver St. Claire and rising industrialist Teresa Kord. Clara flashed her press pass at the security and she and Jenny squeezed in to the queue of reporters. If they didn’t get at least one good red carpet interview, Patty was going to kill them. Thankfully, a long black limousine pulled up to the curb.
A hundred cameras clicked and whirred as a resplendent Olivia Queen stepped out of her limo. She waved briefly and began to hurry down the red carpet, but she stopped when she saw Clara.
“Hey, it’s my favorite reporter! It’s great to see you and your, um, young fellow.” Jenny shoved her camera in Olivia’s face and snapped several pictures in rapid succession.
“Ms. Queen! You look lovely tonight,” said Clara.
“Thanks! Hey, make sure to mention that the wrap is a fake, okay? I don’t need any PETA types throwing pies at me. I gave them enough money last year...”
“Of course. Ms. Queen, what are your thoughts on the green arrow woman who has been spotted fighting crime throughout Star City?”
“Her name is Robin Hood! How many times does she have to tell you people?!”
Clara was saved from having to answer by the arrival of a sullen-looking red-headed teenager. “Ollie, can we go inside? I’m cold.”
“And who might this be?” asked Clara.
Olivia clapped an arm around the girl. “This is Rory Harper, my ward. She’s an orphan!”
“Oh. Um, that’s very nice.”
At that moment, the noise level of the crowd surged and the camera flashes became blinding.
“Oh my God, it’s her!”
“Can we get any closer?”
“Miss! Miss! Can I have your autograph?”
Standing on the red carpet in four-inch stiletto heels was the latest celebrity to show at the Snow Ball. Despite the cold, she was wearing a mini-dress only inches away from a wardrobe malfunction and a teeny denim jacket. Tossed over her shoulder was a large metallic silver bag out of which the head and front paws of her ever-present Chihuahua were peeking. She twirled a strand of her long, dark hair around her finger and snapped her gum while mugging for the cameras. Helena Wayne, Princess of Gotham, had arrived.
Olivia looked disgusted. “Snow Ball? More like HO Ball with her here, am I right?” She began to steer Rory toward the entrance of the hall. “See you later, Clara. C’mon, kid! Let’s go hit the bar. You’re old enough to drink, right?”
Clara sighed. “We might as well head on in too, Jenny. There’s no way we’re getting near Helena.”
“Can I get a drink at the bar?”
“Not unless it’s Soder-Cola.”
It may have been winter outside, but inside the Conservatory was sweltering. The ballroom was packed with people in eveningwear, talking, laughing, and drinking. Very little actual dancing seemed to be going on. Clara scanned the crowd for potential interviewees. Silver St. Claire was surrounded by a crowd of gorgeous women and looked none too keen on being disturbed. They had already talked to Olivia Queen and Clara wasn’t sure she could stomach Helena Wayne. Maybe there was someone over by the bar...oh no. What was he doing here?
Unfortunately, Jenny spotted him at the same time. “Hey it’s Louis! Hi Louis!” She started jumping up and down and waving frenetically. “All right! He saw me! He’s coming over! Does he look mad to you?”
“Are those my clothes?!”
Jenny squeaked in fear and ducked behind Clara.
“I’m going to kill you!”
“It’s just a suit, Louis.”
“It’s an Gucci suit, Clara.”
“Whatever. Why are you here? Patty said you were on vacation.”
“Yeah, look, I’m sorry you got stuck with this assignment. I’m here to-“
“He’s here with me.” A woman wearing black spike heels and a black stripper wig stood with one hip cocked and her chin tilted up. She looked down her nose at Clara.
“Luthor,” said Clara through gritted teeth. “It’s been a long time.”
“Louis, dear, why are you talking to this hayseed muckraker and her transvestite sidekick?”
Louis looked aghast. “Lexi, this is my colleague!”
“Then perhaps it’s time for you to find a new job. Come along now.” She took Louis by the arm and he allowed himself to be led away.
Jenny poked her head out from behind Clara. “Hey, same to you, lady!”
Clara spent the next half hour half-heartedly interviewing Teresa Kord and moodily watching Louis from across the room. He was the only man she knew who actually owned his own tuxedo. Instead of black, it was a deep, deep blue. He had explained it to her once. In some light, a black tux could take on an ugly greenish pall, but a midnight blue suit would look blacker than black.
Jenny touched Clara’s elbow. “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine. I just...need to go to the bathroom.”
Clara glared at herself in the ladies’ room mirror. She needed to get a grip. So what if her co-worker was apparently dating Lexi Luthor? As long as he wasn’t assisting her with her plans of global domination, it wasn’t Superwoman’s business, right? Why was she so angry? She just thought that Louis would have better taste than that...
Someone else came into the bathroom. “Oh my God! Are you, like, crying?”
It was Helena Wayne.
“No, I’m, um, fine, Ms. Wayne.”
The stupid little dog started yapping. “A-ce! Shut up!” whined Helena.
At that moment, there was a tremendous crash out in the ballroom, followed by the sound of falling glass, screams, and Jenny’s signal watch. Someone had just broken through the glass dome of the ballroom. Superwoman needed to be out there now, but she couldn’t change in front of Helena...
“Ms. Wayne! Stay in here for your own safety!” Clara grabbed Helena and tossed her into one of the bathroom stalls, wedging the door shut behind her. She leapt towards the bathroom door, about to rip off her dress and change in to her costume at super-speed, when two huge blond men dressed in black leather and swastika armbands and carrying machine guns burst in.
“Captain Nazi’s Army!” gasped Clara.
“That’s right, sweetheart! And we’re taking everyone in the place hostage!”
“Except that we been-how’d she say it-‘authorized to kill anybody we deem racially impure!’” said the other goon. He prodded Clara’s chest with the muzzle of his gun. “This one look kind of ethnic to you, Rolf?”
“I don’t know, Hans. She does have kind of a big nose...”
“KI-YAH!”
The door of the stall into which Helena had been secured fell with a crash, effectively taking out Hans. Standing above the fallen gunman was Batwoman, her eyes invisible through the white lenses of her mask, mouth set in a grim line, and limbs still poised from kicking the door down. Clara and Rolf stared.
“Ace, sic!” The Chihuahua leapt at Rolf with a growl and sunk its teeth in to his nose.
“AAAAH! Gid id offa me! Gid id offa me!”
Batwoman took the opportunity to club him over the head with her fist and he slumped to the floor. Ace let go and trotted back over to Batwoman, wagging her tail. The vigilante gave the dog a treat from one of the pouches on her utility belt. “Good girl!”
“You...Helena Wayne...Batwoman...what?”
“Hn. This does compromise my secret identity, but I thought they were going to kill you. There wasn’t sufficient time to form an alternate plan.”
“I guess this is the sort of thing they mean when they say turnabout is fair play...” With gust of wind, Superwoman stood where Clara had been a moment before.
“Superwoman! You’re...but how? Never mind! There’s no time!”
“You’re right! Come on!”
The heroes burst out of the ladies’ room and into the chaos of the ballroom. People were running every which way in a blind panic. The neo-Nazis were attempting to herd the crowd together, but having little success. Captain Nazi herself was floating above it all with a satisfied smirk on her face. The smile was instantly turned upside down when she saw Clara and Helena.
“Scheitze! Die Uberfrau!” She turned and flew back out of the giant hole she had made in the skylight.
Clara was horrified to see people who had been struck by the falling glass lying on the floor unconscious. “Batwoman, what do we do?”
“I’ll subdue the Hitler Youth and get the ball guests to safety. You go after Ilsa, She-wolf of the SS.”
“Right! Wait, who?”
Batwoman sighed. “Never mind. Just take down Captain Nazi.”
Superwoman shot through the hole in the skylight created by the villainess’s dramatic entrance. “Nazi! You can’t hide from me! I can track your heartbeat across conti--oh.”
Captain Nazi was floating above just above the roof, waiting. She turned and smiled, her lips coated with a blood-red lipstick straight off of Eva Braun’s dressing table. “Superwoman. Just the sub-human piece of scum I was hoping to see.”
“I’m going to punch you so hard Hermann Goering is going to feel it!”
“You can’t defeat me, Superwoman! I know your deepest, darkest secret!”
Clara felt her stomach turn. Somehow, this super-powered anachronism had discovered her secret identity. She was going to use Ma and Pa’s lives as leverage and-
“You’re Jewish!”
“What?! My parents are Methodists! I mean, my biological parents worshiped Rao, but...”
“Please. You came to Earth from ‘another world’ and you’re forced to hide your ‘special powers’ in order to ‘assimilate.’ Any AP English student could read this subtext. Plus, you have a big nose.”
“There is nothing wrong with my nose!”
“Just keep telling yourself that, dear. I’m going to finally prove the superiority of the Aryan race by defeating here you once and for all! HEIL HITLERRRRRRRRRRRR!”
Superwoman flew to meet her head-on and they clashed with a sonic boom. Captain Nazi may have been as strong as Clara, but she wasn’t invincible. She withdrew from their initial scuffle with blood dripping from her bottom lip. She wiped it away with a black leather-clad hand. “Ooh. It’s a good thing I like pain.”
“Um, ew?” Superwoman struck at Captain Nazi again, but she deflected the blow. Damn. She was as fast as Clara too.
Captain Nazi laughed haughtily. “Do you want to know why so-called superheroes can never completely defeat us? How we manage to come back again and again? It’s because you can’t defeat an idea! A philosophy! We stand for something!”
Clara felt her eyes flash red. “Do you want to know what I stand for? I stand for truth, justice, and LIBERAL HUMANISM!” With a roar, Clara flew at Captain Nazi and tackled her, slamming her down the roof. “And you know what else? I can see the molecular structure of your hair with my microscopic vision! You’re a bleach blond!”
“Noooo...” groaned Captain Nazi just before passing out.
Clara flew back into the ballroom, carrying Captain Nazi by the scruff of her uniform. Batwoman was waiting for her on the now-deserted dance floor.
“Are you finally finished?”
“Well, gee, Batwoman, I was just fighting a fascist psychopath with superpowers, but I’ll try to hurry it up next time.”
“Good.”
“How did you beat the Third Reich and get everyone cleared out so fast?”
“I’m Batwoman.”
“Hey, Hogan’s Heroes! A little help out here?” A masked woman in green was standing in the foyer and waving a bow around, attempting to get Clara and Helena’s attention.
Batwoman sighed again. “And I had some help.”
“It’s the green arrow woman!”
“The name is Robin Hood, Wonder Woman! Get it right!” Robin Hood turned around and marched back outside.
Batwoman and Superwoman followed the emerald archer outside, Clara still dragging Captain Nazi’s unconscious body. Police had already blocked off the street and emergency workers were tending to the party guests. Amazingly, no one had been killed. Only a few people who had been standing directly under the skylight when it shattered had been seriously injured.
Robin Hood walked up to a small boy huddled under a Red Cross blanket. “Hey, kid. How are you doin’?”
“I’m think I’m okay. Thanks for saving me, Green Arrow Lady!”
“Look, my name is Robin--oh, never mind.”
A lanky girl archer dressed in red and yellow trotted up to Green Arrow. “Hey, we need more blankets over there.”
“Hold your horses, Speedy! I’m talking to this kid here.”
An impatient red-headed girl... “Oh my goodness! Jenny!”
“Who?” asked Batwoman. Clara ignored the question and shoved Captain Nazi at her. She flew several feet in to the air to get a better view of the crowd. There!
She landed in front of Jenny and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Jenny! Are you all right? Are you hurt?” A quick scan revealed nothing worse than a few cuts on her face and arms, probably from the broken glass. Her mustache and Louis’s fedora were also missing.
Jenny stared at Superwoman for several seconds, her bottom lip quivering. Then she leapt forward and enveloped Clara in a crushing hug while sobbing. “Oh, Superwoman! It was...terrible! And I...can’t find...Clara...or Louis! What...if they’re...dead? WAAAH!”
Clara awkwardly patted the back of Jenny’s head. “Jenny, listen to me. Clara’s fine. She...had to go to the hospital to get some stitches, but she’ll be fine. I’m sure Louis is around here somewhere...” She spotted him attempting to get a statement from an EMT.
“Get outta my #$#%*&! way, you &%$#$*&!! reporter!”
“He’s right over there! Why don’t you go help him out by taking some pictures?”
Jenny sniffled. “O-okay.”
Superwoman flew back over to where Batwoman was supervising the Department of Metahuman Affairs taking Captain Nazi in to custody.
“Do you have any idea why Captain Nazi attacked the Snow Ball?”
“I didn’t have a chance to question her, but I have a feeling that she wasn’t working alone. There has to be more to this...”
“Superwoman! Batwoman! Could I get a statement please?” Louis was running towards them with Jenny at his heels, snapping pictures wildly.
“Well, um, Batwoman knows more than I do,” said Superwoman. “Maybe she can...where did she go?”
“She just vanished in to the night!”
“Right. Well, I’m not really at liberty to comment at this time. Besides, Louis, shouldn’t you be getting back to your girlfriend?”
Louis look surprised. “My girlfriend? You mean Lexi? She is not my girlfriend!”
“She’s...not?”
“No! I only accepted her invitation to the Snow Ball because I wanted to press her for details about LexCorp’s recent defense contracts with the government, not that it mattered. All she wanted to talk about was you. He began speaking in a falsetto. “'Oh, but you must have some idea of Superwoman’s secret identity, Louis.’”
Clara felt dumb. She had known Louis was working on that LexCorp story. Why hadn’t she put two and two together? She always felt like she lost the ability to think around him, especially when he was wearing that gorgeous tux.
Louis’s voice broke in to her thoughts. “Superwoman? I said, shouldn’t you go find your special bat-friend?”
Clara sighed. “I think I know where she’ll be.”
A few minutes later, Batwoman and Superwoman were back in the bathroom. Jenny and Louis were safe in their hotel rooms, frantically emailing the breaking news and photographs to the Daily Planet.
Clara sadly held up the halves of her glasses. They had been broken at some point during the scuffle with Rolf and Hans.
“Here,” said Helena. “Fix them with this.”
“Black duct tape?”
“Bat-tape.”
“What happened to your dog?”
“Batwoman can’t be seen with Helena Wayne’s pet. I sent Ace to wait in the Batmobile.”
Clara had a feeling that she was going to get annoyed with this naming scheme very quickly. “Well, I should be getting back to the hotel so I can file my story...”
Batwoman cleared her throat.
“Ye-es?”
“I’ve come to the realization that there would be a certain...tactical advantage to our working together more often. Perhaps even with other heroes such as the Green Arrow. It’s obvious that I couldn’t have dispatched Captain Nazi on my own and I think you benefited from my planning and level-headedness .”
“Thanks, I think. Do you, um, want my cell number?”
“No, I’ll be able to find you when I need to.”
“That’s comforting.”
Batwoman turned to leave and then stopped. She looked back over her shoulder. “A word of friendly advice? Black? So not your color.” And then she was gone.
Clara shook her head as she walked back out through the darkened ballroom. Friends, huh? Well, God knows she could use a friend who wasn’t a gender-confused nineteen-year-old. If the tabloids were any indication, Helena Wayne knew a thing or two about romance. Where Louis was concerned, it looked like she was going to need every “tactical advantage” she could get. And if not tactical advantage, what were friends for?
FINIS
Credit for the “Ho Ball” joke goes to my high school pal Dominic. Our senior year, the winter semi-formal theme was “Naughty or Nice.” Most girls went with naughty. Dominic’s infamous witticism was quoted in the year book.