Five Things the Devil Never Did
1. Tempt Eve. That was all some really great propaganda on the part of Israel and his higher ups. In fact, the Devil hadn't even been there, in Eden. It wasn't a minion of his, either. No matter how many times he tried to explain this fact to people, no matter how loudly he insisted that no, he had been a little busy during Opening Week or Month or whatever it was, that he had to set up Hell and make it presentable for the (soon to be tortured) souls he would have to deal with. They never believed him. Ever. It was kind of frustrating, to say the least.
2. Tempt anyone, really. Not willfully. Not on purpose, like so many people liked to imply. "The Devil's possessed her!"
"NO I HAVEN'T!"
Occasionally, sure, he might compel some poor person to hop back on the wagon, but it was never intentional. Never. He was just lonely, that was all, and what better way to meet wtih and talk to really nice people than to go out and get them drunk? "Don't judge," he'd say when the wife showed up at his (thankfully not permanent) residence. "I'm just the Devil."
They judged anyway, the haters.
3. Make a contest with Israel's boss about that guy Jesus. The Devil didn't give a damn about Jesus and whatever the fuck he did in the desert. The Devil didn't even know who the hell this Jesus dude was--he didn't listen to interoffice gossip. It was a busy time for him, torturing souls, cleaning up after the mess and watching the paperwork pile up on his desk. He was too BUSY to worry about some dude walkin' around rocking out and doing good.
4. Forget to say please and thank you. He wasn't nasty, after all--not intentionally. It was nice to be polite, even when you were driving flaming skewers into someone's chest. If the question "Does that hurt?" was answered by screams, he was quick to apologize. He apologized profusely, particularly because he couldn't help if it was only his job, but he also enjoyed doing he. He was kind of the perfect man for the job, and it wasn't very nice. To make up for enjoying their pain, he tried to be nice and a little bit funny when they were strapped down. IT didn't always work to lighten the mood, but he figured he got points for trying.
5. Turn his paperwork on time.
Hey, what could he say? He was the Devil.
2. Tempt anyone, really. Not willfully. Not on purpose, like so many people liked to imply. "The Devil's possessed her!"
"NO I HAVEN'T!"
Occasionally, sure, he might compel some poor person to hop back on the wagon, but it was never intentional. Never. He was just lonely, that was all, and what better way to meet wtih and talk to really nice people than to go out and get them drunk? "Don't judge," he'd say when the wife showed up at his (thankfully not permanent) residence. "I'm just the Devil."
They judged anyway, the haters.
3. Make a contest with Israel's boss about that guy Jesus. The Devil didn't give a damn about Jesus and whatever the fuck he did in the desert. The Devil didn't even know who the hell this Jesus dude was--he didn't listen to interoffice gossip. It was a busy time for him, torturing souls, cleaning up after the mess and watching the paperwork pile up on his desk. He was too BUSY to worry about some dude walkin' around rocking out and doing good.
4. Forget to say please and thank you. He wasn't nasty, after all--not intentionally. It was nice to be polite, even when you were driving flaming skewers into someone's chest. If the question "Does that hurt?" was answered by screams, he was quick to apologize. He apologized profusely, particularly because he couldn't help if it was only his job, but he also enjoyed doing he. He was kind of the perfect man for the job, and it wasn't very nice. To make up for enjoying their pain, he tried to be nice and a little bit funny when they were strapped down. IT didn't always work to lighten the mood, but he figured he got points for trying.
5. Turn his paperwork on time.
Hey, what could he say? He was the Devil.